Am I the Dumper or the Dumpee that's the Question??

[thouse]

I am confused about which one of us did the breaking up, and so I wanted some other perspectives. Me and this guy dated for almost 4 years. When I finally said hey we are either going to be in a relationship or I am moving on, he told me that he was not ready for a serious relationship, though he still would like to date me. I decided that was not the avenue I wanted to take so I said that was it. This is my question however, is the fact that he rejected a relationship with me mean he dumped me or does the fact that I told him that I would no longer date him under the circumstances mean I dumped him.

[Ms_ME]

Haa.. it can go either way.. he started it.. then said.. oh lets just date, nothing serious.. yooh said.. thats it.. basically no thanks! yooh had the finally say.. so I guess yooh dumped him..

 

feel better? =D

[renaissancewoman101]

Technically, I think you dumped him. You guys were dating, you wanted something a bit more "defined and serious" and he didn't. So you told him that wasn't acceptable to you, and that was it. He was open to just casual dating. You weren't. It's not a bad thing. At least you didnt get your feelings all in a jumble over him and attached to him. Now, that would have been bad.

[thouse]

if you guys think that I dumped him, is it rude to not take his calls, when he does reach out? I am pretty much doing NC because truth of the matter is I am not really depressed about the situation but more mad about the situation because after 4 yrs he just decides he does not want a relationship so I guess I am probably a mixture of mad, hurt, resentful, and bitter.(Whoa what a combination).

[thouse]

Yes, he just called me last Sunday, and made up some stupid reason for calling but I know he just wants to call me, he thinks Iam seeing someone else so I just let him think that (eventhough I'm not) he's not calling me everyday nonstop, but when he sees that I am not contacting him, he contacts me.

[Dako]

If you both wanted something different, I'd call it mutual.

[PitterPatter99]

NC is not everything. I hate how people on here seem to say that NC is the cure for every relationship.

[Dako]

NC is not everything. I hate how people on here seem to say that NC is the cure for every relationship.

 

I've never considered it a cure for a relationship. NC as a way to speed the painful process of healing when there is no longer a relationship.

 

The people who need it most are denying that the relationship is over, and cling to the fantasy of reconciliation sometimes even while the ex is living with someone else.

[nuttybuddy]

hey thouse,

 

that's how wimpy guys dump girls. that's EXACTLY how my bf dumped me. i brought up the same "where is this relationship going?" question and he had no answer for me. so i got mad and dumped him. but i was sooo hurt that i tried to get back together, and he didn't want to!!! so initially, i thought IIIII dumped him, but after seeing that he didn't want to get back together with me, it was obvious that HEEEE dumped me.

 

so that's how wimpy guys do it. they will just passively not satisfy you to the point where they make YOU BE THE BAD PERSON and that way they'll end up looking like they were the good guy.

 

someone told me that in all relationships, it's ALWAYS the guy who makes the decision on whether the relationship breaks or not. if the guy doesn't want the relationship to break up, then he'll do whatever it takes to keep it going. but if he's determined to be ok with the break up.... eventually it was up to him.

 

Cuz think about it.... girls are the ones who get asked out. We girls are the ones who should be chased. So if the guy doesn't want to keep chasing... it's goodbye relationship.

 

Btw, as for my relationship... we're back together. I guess he still wants to give it another go..... we'll see how long it lasts..

[servedcold]

someone told me that in all relationships, it's ALWAYS the guy who makes the decision on whether the relationship breaks or not. if the guy doesn't want the relationship to break up, then he'll do whatever it takes to keep it going. but if he's determined to be ok with the break up.... eventually it was up to him.

 

Cuz think about it.... girls are the ones who get asked out. We girls are the ones who should be chased. So if the guy doesn't want to keep chasing... it's goodbye relationship.

 

 

I couldn't disagree with the above more.

 

My exGF slept with another man while professing undying love for me and bringing up marriage several times each week. So who exactly "made the decision" in my case?

 

And I don't know if you are trolling with the second paragraph, but in case you aren't, you may want to rethink the implications of what you have said...

[thouse]

To some degree I agree with you NuttyBuddy, there is no doubt in my mind he was waiting for me to end it because he was such a coward to say hey I want things to be over so he let me do it.

 

I guess the thing I want most to come out of this for me is for him to want me the same way I wanted him and I get the chance to reject him. I will not however be trying to get back with him.

 

How did you guys end up getting back together NuttyBuddy??

[sao2]

I actually think he was the dumper in this case. Sorry, you have been dumped. After 4 years it is acceptable and normal to want something more serious.

[thouse]

That's what I figured I knew I had been dumped. Thanks SAO2 for your honesty.

[volpe]

i agree with dako. it is mutual. you both want something different. that's why you have to ask who is dumping? but it has nothing to do with nc... you can dump and still NEED NC. just because you dump doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

[renaissancewoman101]

Why would dumpers need NC???? They're the ones that caused the pain. I've never been the dumper but I would think the dumper would be in the power position since he/she have the upper hand.

[thouse]

The dumper could definitely need NC. Believe me it hurts to have to leave someone that you saw a life with, and they would not meet you half way to make things work, and in my situation I wasn't really the dumper he just made me look like I was the dumper, he led me to do what he wanted done all the while. He knew I would want to be in a relationship, and could not be a man and let me go.

[rosie76]

I'm in the same boat, and in the sense that you wanted more from him than he wanted from you I'd say it's reasonable that you feel the disappointment, hurt, sadness, ego-puncture of a dumped person. I think the difference between the two different positions is down to who feels more for / wants more of the other person. The loss of the relationship is mutual, but the 'I'm not good enough' feelings hit the one who felt more whether they have the common sense to get out of a situation that is not enough for them or not.

 

That said, I think it's reasonable - and even expected between genuine people - that when a significant relationship ends both the dumper and dumpee feel upset. You've both enjoyed something for a long time that is now over and it's reasonable that you both need to mourn it, will miss it, might want more contact to keep the person in your life, might want less contact to heal, etc. I've been in situations where I was the dumper where I have been absolutely gutted - just because the relationship doens't work doesn't mean you don't care a lot about the other person and the part they play/played in your life.

 

As for what you should do - do what feels most comfortable to you with as much kindness and honesty as possible (so long as there is no cheating, bad behaviour, etc. - in which case you no longer have an obligation to be kind.)

[nuttybuddy]

Hey servedcold, I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. It's messed up that your gf cheated on you and lied to you. I'm sorry you had to experience that. I wouldn't blame you if you became more distrustful of girls after that.

But I'm referring to a relationship where there's basic honesty between the couple.

 

Hey thouse, as far as getting back with my bf... it was weird. I needed closure in my break up if he was truly adamant about it. So I went to have a final talk with him. I suggested that we could give it another try with the changes I thought we needed to work on (i.e. he needed to communicate more and i needed to change.) And trust me, I did not expect him to say what he said next. He immediately responded with an ok. I didn't even have to try to convince him. So, that was a weird and unexpected thing. I was pretty stunned. In my mind, I was ready to get my closure and leave if he decided that he really didn't want to give it another chance.

 

What I learned from my experience is that you can't MAKE a person love you. It's something that they freely do because they want to. And I used to take that for granted. But now, I appreciate it so much more. And so this time, we are both working at our new relationship. It's not perfect, cuz we still have bumpy roads, but we are trying to work through it. Remember, it takes two people to make a relationship.

 

My advice to you thouse is.... get your closure if you don't have it. Find out exactly why he's not ready to commit to you. What is exactly keeping him from moving ahead. Is it something about you that you can fix? Or is it just cold feet from his point of view? And if there's something that you guys can work on, then maybe you could suggest it. Otherwise, move on knowing what was wrong and you can better prepare for your next relationship with someone else.