Inner negative involves an outer positive.

[Basil]

Dear all,

I told you guys the story of my GF and I. We broke up (she broke up with me) because she said she wants to meet other people and see the world. It all came too sudden for me. I wanted to go and talk to her that day with optimism but ended up having my heart broken.

I have read almost every single comments and almost every stories you guys have posted. Thanks to you all and I must say they all have affected me greatly. Some stories I found connected with my life and my relationship. Now it comes to the part where I came accross. "The Pursuer and the Distancer". I broke up and some of the comments were to let her go and find yourself and heal yourself. I've been trying. But I want her back badly and I know she still has feelings for me (or cares for me as I would put it). You guys say if I stay away and give her space she'll eventually comes back to you. For my personal opinion is that if I dont call her and don't talk to her I'd feel as if I am distancing myself from her and she would feel like I dont' care about her anymore. Though if I get too close to her she might feel as if I'm getting too attached and as I have found that girls don't like people who try to get too close.

I put up the subject for inner negative involves an out positive because I believe that every negative there should be at least a positive. I am confused whether I should give her space or go to her and have a talk and tell her all my feelings for her?? Please help me!! Thank you in advance.

Mr. Basil

[killer_bimbo]

I'm not sure about how you would go about getting her back in your situation. I think there has to be a balance between giving her space and trying to make sure you're still on her mind. If she wants space, and you keep contacting her, it'll only drive her away further, she'll feel like you're not respecting what she wants, and not respecting her. If you giver her that space, you also run the risk of losing her too. But you have to think, do you want to give your love to someone who doesn't share the same feeling? And if she did share the same feelings, she won't forget about you in a hurry, even if she was to go with other people. If she truly loves you, she'll see you in lots of her everyday things, in her bed, when she does the things you used to do together, and then it's up to her to decide what is more important to her, her freedom or her love for you. If she decides her freedom is more important to her, then you have to forget about getting back together, and find someone with a love that is worth yours. You still have to live your life in the mean time, and try to get out and things, you can't put your life on hold.

 

If you do decide to phone her one last time to try to sort things out in your head, the worst thing to do would be to blurt out your feelings for her, from what I've read in your previous posts, you were going out for 5 months, and in that length of time, it isn't always certain that you'll both love each other, so the fact that you love her may come as a shock to her and push her away, especially as she doesn't seem comfortable with a committed relationship at the moment. If you do speak to her, the best thing to do would be to find out exactly what you mean to her rather than tell her what she means to you, and go from there, if her feelings match yours, you may have a chance, if they don't, there's nothing you can do about it really, except give her space to think about what she really feels for you.

 

That might not be much help, I'm going through a similar thing, but with a much longer term relationship, so I'm struggling with similar things. I think you've probably done everything you can do, and now the ball is in her court. If she's worth your love, she'll come back to you, if not, why would you want to love somebody who's not worth your feelings? But again, don't just sit around waiting for a phonecall. It's quite likely she'll phone you out of the blue anyway, if she at least cares about you, she'll still be interested in your life, even if she's not interested in a relationship with you. But again, don't sit around waiting for her, go out and do wthe things you did before you met her

[-touch-of-heaven-]

Basil,

 

I haven't read your earlier posts, I'm just going on what I read here, so forgive me if some of my words have no connection to actual life. Here's the trouble with things, like killer_bimbo said, the ball -is- in your former girlfriend's court, not yours. People around here say this thing all the time, they say: "relax and just flow." But I don't believe in that. It's said generally - flow with the river of life, so to speak. But life isn't about flowing. It's about making life flow. Controlling it. The problem is that in a situation like this you're wishing there was something you could do and yet there is nothing to be done. You just want to tell her more and more how much you feel, and be with her every day, to make her see - but the very basis of why you two broke up is because she wants time apart. Time for other people. In all honesty that's a cruel thing to say to someone, that she doesn't want to be with you because, she wants others. Not even someone specific, but just generally others. Now listen very closely - you have to hang in there, and control yourself and what you do, like a sniper controls what his target sees of him. You have to know deep down inside that things will get better. In what way, only time will tell. Perhaps tomorrow you will meet someone new who will help take your mind off her, and ease your pain - most likely it will not happen tomorrow, because if you are anything like me, you need a lot of time. Perhaps she'll decide she isn't better off without you, and if you still want her back then you guys could work through your problems and make it work. Whatever happens, know that you are unique and special, and that your heart will not be alone forever. You will find happiness, either with or without her - and trust me I know that right now happiness for you is only with her, but even if you don't want someone else, keep your mind open to reason that says to you that you -can- find someone else to care for, and who will care for you.

 

And know that we are all here to help each other - you've got us.

 

So good luck, and if you want to talk further, just contact me.

 

^-touch-of-heaven-^

[zippitt]

She "MAY" eventually come back to you if you give her the distance she needs. But you do need to give her that time, "absense makes the heart grow fonder". It's not always the case; she could just as easily drift away. Who ever said there was any sort of guarantee in relationship, or even after the relationship? I don't mean to be rude about this, but the more you keep clinging to the idea of being with her the harder it will be on you. This is where it gets more complicated; you don't want to totally shut her out. But you must give yourself time to heal so as the next time you talk to her you don't get emotional. The time to heal of course is different for everyone. The point is, the next time you see her you can talk to her as a friend. Show curiosity on how she is doing with life but don't pry. Don't act concerned about who she might be dating, or if she ever thinks about you. Don't call her all the time. Just be a friend, if she still has feelings for you they will likely come out. If you are truly just being friendly and she still pushes away then cut it off. I know it's scary to give it time because you think the other person will just forget about you and you will lose any opportunities. However, if they still want it to work or still feel the same it won't hurt to wait a while before you talk to them again. Actually it can do a lot of good, both parties have time to think away and you can learn a lot about yourself. When my ex broke it off the first time I was pathetic, I was too emotional to even hold a conversation. I tried, and everything just came out wrong...so don't ever try to talk when you are still dealing with all those emotions, you might regret what you say. The second time we broke it off we still talked and saw each other about once a week. It was a bad idea. We tried being friends but ended up being together again. It wasn't long before the same issues cropped up and we finally broke it off completely a month later. My point here is until you heal somewhat, you can't be friends in most relationships and you just end up where you last left off. It will make you feel empty and numb, it becomes exhausting, the constant ups and downs of trying to be friends, fighting, getting back together, and splitting up. Not giving yourself enough time to get over it just drags you through an emotional roller coaster. Clinging to the past will do same, too much hope does too. You have to give yourself the time. You need to give her the space she asks for. You need to move on with your life. I know it's not easy, in fact I have fallen weak a couple of times. But things Do get better.

[Basil]

Dear all that replied

Thank you all so much for the advice and cheer-ups. I appreciated them very much. I have been trying to forget about her and forget about the day that we broke up, which seems to be echoing in my mind every now and again. You guys are right, if she loves you then she'll come back to you. It wasn't me who broke up with her but it was her fault that she let go of someone who loved her.

I'm healing and getting my life back together. The other day she called and she just wanted to talk about my life and stuff. I didn't feel as much love as I had for her when we were going out, maybe because I realized that what she wanted was friendship and that I have been hurted enough.

To all of you. I wish you enough and I wish you happy life. Life is like a game of tennis as you all might have said. You just have to hit back whatever comes at you or whatever lands in your court. The final outcome is up to you, a winner.. or a loser.

Thank you again all. I have healed because of you.