My journal/journey of healing and enjoying life again

[bubblyblonde11]

This break up/healing of the heart sure isn't easy - otherwise forums like this would not exist!

 

I think and I am a fine one to talk but we need to stay away from anything that makes us feel, think or read about our ex's only then will we heal. try not too look hun, I will too, it just brings up all those feelings and reminders of past feelings which we just don't need to enable healing.

[bubblyblonde11]

I find constant reminders of things here.

 

So with that said, I thank everyone for there friendship, help, kindness now this will be very tough but I am gonna stay awayfrom here for a while.

[bubblyblonde11]

^^^^can't need the support^^^^^^^^^

 

But do and will be spending a little less time here and helping others as I need to help me, I'm so sorry guys, forgive me please.

 

I think this I why I am struggling at the moment because my anger for him has disapated and that was keeping me focused on my eating, on the gym, on keeping busy, now I feel a little lost and don;t know what to feel.

[bubblyblonde11]

Maybe this is the grieving process starting right now, perhaps all these months of trying to carry on, trying to be strong I just wasn't grieving properly.

 

I need to get this upset out, the tears of hurt, the tears of sadness that something that started out so great turned so bad, tears of lonliness and tears of losing someone.

[bubblyblonde11]

To hell with those who doubt me, doubt my feelings, how much I give and how much I care, doubt how I make friends, doubt my communication style, I am fcuking great person. I never pray on the weaker more fragile person instead I give warmth and empathy. Do not doubt me, you don't know me well enough to comment on who I am.

 

Better today.

 

Coming off the meds must have meant some adjusting too.

 

Also have been stressed and under pressure with my job.

 

But I am proud, though everything that has happened over the last few months I haven't had anytime off sick and solidered on through and this clearly has had an impact.

 

I am tired and drained cannot wait for my upcoming holiday, two weeks of pure fun, exhiliration, laughs and sunshine. Coming back will be hard but we'll deal with that when it comes.

 

I also am proud that after the split I didn't sit in and just wallow in self pity, I went out, met new people, got down the gym, started eating properly, went for pampering massages/reflexology, went to concerts/gigs etc.

 

I am also proud that on here and at the priory I have tried to help others as much as I can, probably again having an impact on me but at least I can say that I am a nice person who is very caring and gives alot.

[bubblyblonde11]

I have a lovely flat of my own which I always wanted, with lovely brown leather sofas, 32" Flat Screen TV, Sky plus box. I support myself totally and have done now for 5yrs.

 

I have travelled to many many places incl Orlando Florida twice soon to be third time, Toronto, Vancover, many of the Greek Islands, Turkey, Italy incl beautiful Lake Como where George Clooney lives some of the year, France incl Paris, Spain, Tenerife, Majorca, Menorca, Tunisa, Prague, Edinburgh.

 

I always wanted to go to singing lessons and last year I did and then did a performance with a band in front of about 100 people.

 

Four years ago I got my NVQ Level 4 in Business and Finance.

 

I built my career up from working internally in Sales Support where no one would give the oppotunity to work out in the field as an Account Manager, but I never gave up I kept trying and in the end I did it and have been working as this with different companies ever since.

 

I have done quite a few charity runs, namely the Race for Life for Cancer Research this year in Guildford raising around £250 and 2yrs ago in Croydon. The Bupa Feetbeat 10km run in Hyde Park twice.

 

Survived with just a slipped disc in my back but with my life after being drugged in club last August.

[bubblyblonde11]

feeling rather upset now. I thought this was a place I could come for support and offer some support and compassion to others who I see having troubles.

 

Maybe not the case.

 

Is this not about posting when I need, when you are lonely, need advice, want help, want to offer help.

 

THIS WHOLE SITUATION HAS MADE ME FEEL REALLY LOW AGAIN.

 

I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE BECAUSE I NEED THE SUPPORT BUT NOW I FEEL PARANOID. I FEEL BULLIED GENUINELY.

 

* * * * IS life really worth it when you cannot even us a public forum which is aimed at those who don't want to "NOT ALONE".

 

What is the point of life

 

Thanks

[bubblyblonde11]

I came here to feel better and she has just totally invalidated my whole use of this site and made me think twice about all I wanted and all I was trying to do.

 

I feel like giving up on life - when someone cannot treat someone with emotional weakness with kindness and instead with insults and it is only the weaker one, the one whom has problems i.e. me, that now is left to pick up the pieces.

 

DO YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW

[bubblyblonde11]

I feel I want to get a little out about my prior history.

 

My parents divorced when I was about 9yrs old - Mum remarried to a guy called D - at first it was great I had two Dads, how fab for a girl of 9. My new stepfather was a Scout Leader, this will make sense later on.

 

I don't remember much details of that part of my life, only certain parts, I have block it totally from my memory.

 

Timings I cannot really remember but after sometime, things were not right, my new stepfather ignored me, hated me, hit me, hit my Mum, hit me when I ran often to the defence of my mother being thrown down the stairs etc.

 

I was never going to be good enough for him no matter what I did, no matter how I tried and why well because he was understandably interested in his new baby son, but also my older brother whom was 4yrs older than me.

 

Years of either being hit, once because I was bouncing my new baby brother on my leg he fell and cried, without even knowing what had happened as he wasn't even in the room, the Stepfather came in and hit me on my bare leg so hard I had an instant massive bruise and wheel marks on my leg. Years of being ignored and unfavoured Mum finally decided to divorce him.

 

He stayed in the house for 1.5yrs while the divorce was going through, making everyones life a misery, even one day standing 2inches from me blaming me for the whole divorce and being totally evil to a 14yr old.

 

After the divorce Mum started an investigation into his behaviour with his Scout troop, he was found guilty of "messing with them" and went to prision, went to a hard prision in Brixton, London because he was a PHEDOPHILE.

 

So this was why I wasn't ever going to be good enough for him, he liked boys not girls, Mum and me where just in the way, he just wanted to get at my older brother, who was old enough to defend himself even threw him through the window once, but also interested in his heir (my little brother who has since he was 18 disowned his biogoical father and even changed his name).

 

My first serious boyfriend was when I was 22 which was when I lost my virginity, I never had before probably because I just never trusted men.

 

Anyway this b/f after 6months, started showing violence toward me, the first time infront of his entire family - why I didn't leave then I don't know I thought I could make things better, make things right again so 6.5yrs later only then did I get the confidence to get up and leave, I was 28 and living in a house with him.

 

I had no confidence, I truly thought that no other man would want me that my life without him would be over only after losing a little weight and a guy at work showing interest in me did I realise, hey perhaps there is a life outside this awful relationship, where I was beaten to a pulp, kick in the stomach when I thought I was having his baby, smacked in the head so hard I saw sparks and everything went black, where on New Years day I woke up to half my hair lying on the pillow where the night before he had pulled my head back and forth so much by my hair alot came out, I could not even brush my hair the next day the pain was just too much.

 

In Decemeber 2001 I decided I couldn't do this anymore, we lived under the same roof for another 11months until the house was sold and I could move into my new flat. It was awful, he kicked in my new computer because I was talking to others on the internet, he threw a glass at me and so on and so forth. In the Jan 2002 he insisted that he came to Austria, on a family holiday where my older brother was getting married, it got so bad that on my Brothers stag night the night before the wedding he asked me what was going on, I said I don't want to tell you, but he insisted that I did, so I had to tell him, actually we have split up and I didn't want him to come but he insisted that he did.

 

Do I feel guilty about telling my brother that the day before is Wedding yes and never felt better about it to this day, but what choice did I have.

 

I also on this holiday was looking after my heavily disabled Dad, in a ski resort, the strain was immense.

 

In Nov 2002 I moved into my new place, it felt great I couldn't believe after nearly having a nervous breakdown I was moving into a pad of my own.

 

In Dec 2002 I slept with the guy that had shown interest a year before.

 

But after two months of enjoy this new freedom, in Jan 2002 someone crash into the back of my car and wrote it off, I was left alone mostly to deal with being incapacitated and in alot of pain.

 

In those 4yrs of being single I made the most of my time, I made plans, kept busy, supported myself, built up some great friends.

 

In July 2004 I left my job I had been in for 3.5yrs to move onto a new challenge with a new company, but my joy was short lived, my new boss bullied me and picked on me regually, my new friend that started the same day as me S was supportive and sympathetic but after 3months I couldn't cope but also couldn't leave as I had no one to fall back on financially so I kept going but looking for a new job frantically.

 

In December 2004 I got offered an interview for an Account Mananger role, my dreams career wise had come true and I got the job. I started in Jan 2005 but after 9months they decided to close up and I was made redundant in Dec 2005.

 

I found another role quickly doing a very similar role, but this company was bad, from when I started and there was 25 other Account Managers to the time of me leaving in Dec 2006 of just 8, everyone hated it, several of the office staff have also now left too.

 

But I got my current role which is challeging and lonely at time but a good company. In Dec 2006 I met the ex who as most of you know swept me off my feet, the rest can wait for another time or has already been written.

 

So excuse me if sometimes I feel down and feel that life is not worth living, I as alot of others I know have had my fair share of total sh!t and yes it is difficult to cope with the downs because I feel as the good person I have always tried to be, that perhaps I deserve a little break in life.

 

 

But I can say this, life does carry on, I am a good person like many of you on here - you must remember that it is these people that are bad not us.

 

It is these people who are selfish, uncaring and bad - we are good people.

 

I am a good person, through all the above I am still here, I have never done drugs, I have never been to prision, I have a great career and my own place, I am well liked and loved and will find love again.

 

There is a great life, you just have to go after it as it will never just land on your doorstep.

[bubblyblonde11]

ON TOP OF THE ABOVE THIS NOW IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT RECENT EVENTS ON HERE.

 

MODS SORRY BUT FOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS YOU NEED AND SHOULD TAKE NOTE OF THIS BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT I FEEL HAS BEEN DONE TO ME AND I AM CONCERNED ABOUT OTHERS IN THE FUTURE.

 

 

What is bullying?

 

constant nit-picking, fault-finding and criticism of a trivial nature - the triviality, regularity and frequency betray bullying; often there is a grain of truth (but only a grain) in the criticism to fool you into believing the criticism has validity, which it does not; often, the criticism is based on distortion, misrepresentation or fabrication

simultaneous with the criticism, a constant refusal to acknowledge you and your contributions and achievements or to recognise your existence and value

constant attempts to undermine you and your position, status, worth, value and potential

where you are in a group (eg at work), being singled out and treated differently; for instance, everyone else can get away with murder but the moment you put a foot wrong - however trivial - action is taken against you

being isolated and separated from colleagues, excluded from what's going on, marginalized, overruled, ignored, sidelined, frozen out, sent to Coventry

being belittled, demeaned and patronised, especially in front of others

being humiliated, shouted at and threatened, often in front of others

being overloaded with work, or having all your work taken away and replaced with either menial tasks (filing, photocopying, minute taking) or with no work at all

finding that your work - and the credit for it - is stolen and plagiarised

having your responsibility increased but your authority taken away

having annual leave, sickness leave, and - especially - compassionate leave refused

being denied training necessary for you to fulfil your duties

having unrealistic goals set, which change as you approach them

ditto deadlines which are changed at short notice - or no notice - and without you being informed until it's too late

finding that everything you say and do is twisted, distorted and misrepresented

being subjected to disciplinary procedures with verbal or written warnings imposed for trivial or fabricated reasons and without proper investigation

being coerced into leaving through no fault of your own, constructive dismissal, early or ill-health retirement, etc

For further information on what bullying is, click here. For an answer to the question Why me?, click here.

 

How do I recognise a bully?

 

Most bullying is traceable to one person, male or female - bullying is not a gender issue. Bullies are often clever people (especially female bullies) but you can be clever too.

 

Who does this describe in your life?

 

Jekyll & Hyde nature - vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target sees both sides

is a convincing, compulsive liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment

uses lots of charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present; the motive of the charm is deception and its purpose is to compensate for lack of empathy

relies on mimicry to convince others that they are a "normal" human being but their words, writing and deeds are hollow, superficial and glib

displays a great deal of certitude and self-assuredness to mask their insecurity

excels at deception

exhibits unusual inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters or sexual behaviour; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or intimations of sexual harassment, sex discrimination or sexual abuse (sometimes racial prejudice as well)

exhibits much controlling behaviour and is a control freak

displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to acknowledge, value and praise others

when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression

often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully is oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen (and believe they are seen), and how they are actually seen

has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, trust and integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, distrust and deceitfulness)

when called to account, immediately and aggressively denies everything, then counter-attacks with distorted or fabricated criticisms and allegations; if this is insufficient, quickly feigns victimhood, often by bursting into tears (the purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus evade accountability by manipulating others through the use of guilt)

is also ... aggressive, devious, manipulative, spiteful, vengeful, doesn't listen, can't sustain mature adult conversation, lacks a conscience, shows no remorse, is drawn to power, emotionally cold and flat, humourless, joyless, ungrateful, dysfunctional, disruptive, divisive, rigid and inflexible, selfish, insincere, insecure, immature and deeply inadequate, especially in interpersonal skills

I estimate one person in thirty has this behaviour profile. I describe them as having a disordered personality: an aggressive but intelligent individual who expresses their violence psychologically (constant criticism etc) rather than physically (assault). For the full profile, click here; to see and be able to recognise the four most common types of serial bully, click here.

 

What does bullying do to my health?

 

Bullying causes injury to health and makes you ill. How many of these symptoms do you have?

 

constant high levels of stress and anxiety

frequent illness such as viral infections especially flu and glandular fever, colds, coughs, chest, ear, nose and throat infections (stress plays havoc with your immune system)

aches and pains in the joints and muscles with no obvious cause; also back pain with no obvious cause and which won't go away or respond to treatment

headaches and migraines

tiredness, exhaustion, constant fatigue

sleeplessness, nightmares, waking early, waking up more tired than when you went to bed

flashbacks and replays, obsessiveness, can't get the bullying out of your mind

irritable bowel syndrome

skin problems such as eczema, psoriasis, athlete's foot, ulcers, shingles, urticaria

poor concentration, can't concentrate on anything for long

bad or intermittently-functioning memory, forgetfulness, especially with trivial day-to-day things

sweating, trembling, shaking, palpitations, panic attacks

tearfulness, bursting into tears regularly and over trivial things

uncharacteristic irritability and angry outbursts

hypervigilance (feels like but is not paranoia), being constantly on edge

hypersensitivity, fragility, isolation, withdrawal

reactive depression, a feeling of woebegoneness, lethargy, hopelessness, anger, futility and more

shattered self-confidence, low self-worth, low self-esteem, loss of self-love, etc

[bubblyblonde11]

This is something that needs to be looked at and addresses, seriously before others end up doing silly things to themselves due to being made to feel worse than they did before.

 

 

 

Bullies need not target their "victims" because they are weak.

 

 

 

#You may just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Bullies are predatory and opportunistic.

 

 

 

#Being good at your job.

 

 

 

#Being popular with people.

 

 

 

#The bully fears exposure of their inadequacy and incompetence, your presense, popularity and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel that fear.

 

 

 

#Being the expert and the person to whom people come to for advice, getting more attention than the bully.

 

 

 

#Having a well-defined set of values which you will not compromise.

 

 

 

#Having a sense of integrity.

 

 

 

#Having at least one vulnerability that can be exploited.

 

 

 

#Being too old or expensive.

 

 

 

#Showing independence of thought or deed.

 

 

 

#Jealousy and envy are strong motivators of bullying.

 

 

# Unwarranted or invalid criticism while ignoring achievement

 

 

 

# Undermine in front of others, raise false concerns, or express doubts over a persons performance or standard of work, however unsubstantiated this may be

 

 

 

# Overrule, ignore and isolate a person from what’s happening.

 

 

 

# Regularly choose the target by offensive remarks and language or give the silent treatment.

 

 

 

#Single out and unfairly treat a person differently to other members of staff.

 

 

 

# Degrade, threaten, or humiliate.

 

 

 

# Subject someone to unwarranted or unjustified verbal or written warnings. This falls under The Employment Act 2002 (Dispute Resolution)

 

 

 

# Set goals and deadlines which are unachievable or which are changed without notice or reason.

 

 

 

# Deny information necessary for undertaking work whilst others often receive more than they need.

 

 

 

# Refuse support if they are a manager.

 

 

 

# Overload a person with work or have all their work taken away and replaced with inappropriate jobs.

 

 

 

# Increase someone’s responsibility but remove his/her authority.

 

 

 

# Have work plagiarised, – the bully then presenting the target’s work as their own.

 

 

 

# Find requests for leave unacceptable and place unnecessary conditions, sometimes overturning previous approval.

 

 

 

# Send unpleasant or threatening calls or harass with intimidating memos, notes or emails

 

 

 

# Invite you to informal meetings which turn out to be disciplinary hearings

 

 

 

# Encourage you to feel guilty and to believe you are always the one at fault

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

^ my mom always told me (when she got sick of me complaning about bullies)that bullies have no power unless you give it too them............

 

if you ignore a bully then they have no power.........

[bubblyblonde11]

I feel I want to get a little out about my prior history.

 

My parents divorced when I was about 9yrs old - Mum remarried to a guy called D - at first it was great I had two Dads, how fab for a girl of 9. My new stepfather was a Scout Leader, this will make sense later on.

 

I don't remember much details of that part of my life, only certain parts, I have block it totally from my memory.

 

Timings I cannot really remember but after sometime, things were not right, my new stepfather ignored me, hated me, hit me, hit my Mum, hit me when I ran often to the defence of my mother being thrown down the stairs etc.

 

I was never going to be good enough for him no matter what I did, no matter how I tried and why well because he was understandably interested in his new baby son, but also my older brother whom was 4yrs older than me.

 

Years of either being hit, once because I was bouncing my new baby brother on my leg he fell and cried, without even knowing what had happened as he wasn't even in the room, the Stepfather came in and hit me on my bare leg so hard I had an instant massive bruise and wheel marks on my leg. Years of being ignored and unfavoured Mum finally decided to divorce him.

 

He stayed in the house for 1.5yrs while the divorce was going through, making everyones life a misery, even one day standing 2inches from me blaming me for the whole divorce and being totally evil to a 14yr old.

 

After the divorce Mum started an investigation into his behaviour with his Scout troop, he was found guilty of "messing with them" and went to prision, went to a hard prision in Brixton, London because he was a PHEDOPHILE.

 

So this was why I wasn't ever going to be good enough for him, he liked boys not girls, Mum and me where just in the way, he just wanted to get at my older brother, who was old enough to defend himself even threw him through the window once, but also interested in his heir (my little brother who has since he was 18 disowned his biogoical father and even changed his name).

 

My first serious boyfriend was when I was 22 which was when I lost my virginity, I never had before probably because I just never trusted men.

 

Anyway this b/f after 6months, started showing violence toward me, the first time infront of his entire family - why I didn't leave then I don't know I thought I could make things better, make things right again so 6.5yrs later only then did I get the confidence to get up and leave, I was 28 and living in a house with him.

 

I had no confidence, I truly thought that no other man would want me that my life without him would be over only after losing a little weight and a guy at work showing interest in me did I realise, hey perhaps there is a life outside this awful relationship, where I was beaten to a pulp, kick in the stomach when I thought I was having his baby, smacked in the head so hard I saw sparks and everything went black, where on New Years day I woke up to half my hair lying on the pillow where the night before he had pulled my head back and forth so much by my hair alot came out, I could not even brush my hair the next day the pain was just too much.

 

In Decemeber 2001 I decided I couldn't do this anymore, we lived under the same roof for another 11months until the house was sold and I could move into my new flat. It was awful, he kicked in my new computer because I was talking to others on the internet, he threw a glass at me and so on and so forth. In the Jan 2002 he insisted that he came to Austria, on a family holiday where my older brother was getting married, it got so bad that on my Brothers stag night the night before the wedding he asked me what was going on, I said I don't want to tell you, but he insisted that I did, so I had to tell him, actually we have split up and I didn't want him to come but he insisted that he did.

 

Do I feel guilty about telling my brother that the day before is Wedding yes and never felt better about it to this day, but what choice did I have.

 

I also on this holiday was looking after my heavily disabled Dad, in a ski resort, the strain was immense.

 

In Nov 2002 I moved into my new place, it felt great I couldn't believe after nearly having a nervous breakdown I was moving into a pad of my own.

 

In Dec 2002 I slept with the guy that had shown interest a year before.

 

But after two months of enjoy this new freedom, in Jan 2002 someone crash into the back of my car and wrote it off, I was left alone mostly to deal with being incapacitated and in alot of pain.

 

In those 4yrs of being single I made the most of my time, I made plans, kept busy, supported myself, built up some great friends.

 

In July 2004 I left my job I had been in for 3.5yrs to move onto a new challenge with a new company, but my joy was short lived, my new boss bullied me and picked on me regually, my new friend that started the same day as me S was supportive and sympathetic but after 3months I couldn't cope but also couldn't leave as I had no one to fall back on financially so I kept going but looking for a new job frantically.

 

In December 2004 I got offered an interview for an Account Mananger role, my dreams career wise had come true and I got the job. I started in Jan 2005 but after 9months they decided to close up and I was made redundant in Dec 2005.

 

I found another role quickly doing a very similar role, but this company was bad, from when I started and there was 25 other Account Managers to the time of me leaving in Dec 2006 of just 8, everyone hated it, several of the office staff have also now left too.

 

But I got my current role which is challeging and lonely at time but a good company. In Dec 2006 I met the ex who as most of you know swept me off my feet, the rest can wait for another time or has already been written.

 

So excuse me if sometimes I feel down and feel that life is not worth living, I as alot of others I know have had my fair share of total sh!t and yes it is difficult to cope with the downs because I feel as the good person I have always tried to be, that perhaps I deserve a little break in life.

 

 

 

Also not forgetting in Aug 2006 I was drugged in a nightclub, I collasped and an ambulance was called. I suppose you could say I was lucky, I only ended up with a slipped disc which will take 4yrs to heal.

 

4more years of pain - I have only just recoved from the whiplash injury gained in Jan 2003 crash as mentioned above.

 

Oh and that I was in hospital in May 2007 and now under a specialist who doesn't know what is wrong with me, but severe pain in my right side that was that back I had to go to A&E at 3am in the morning.

 

Oh yeah and the fact I have severe acid reflux as the anti imflammatories taken for the crash in Jan 2003, for 18 months cause stomach ulcers and burns in my stomach. I have to have regular endoscopies.

 

Oh and don't forget the fact I have to have a fasting blood test in the next few days to see if I am diabetic and possible thyriod problems.

 

And the fact that yes I see a therapist, at the Priory on a regular basis and taken medication and have been for several months now.

 

So all in all, I am in pain in my head, in pain in my body and trying to deal with a broken heart.

 

All this and NO TIME OFF WORK, and why well they no nothing of my problems because it is a new job I cannot afford to get the sack, I am still on my probationary period and if I were to lose my job, my car, my home would all have to go too. My job is fairly high pressured and I have struggled to carry on and struggled to cope, flippin heck even remembering things has become so difficult hecnce why I have to go and have blood tests this week.

 

You can see now possibly why yes I get down, I get lonely, I need to be around people even if only online.

 

Yes I have problems and people are too quick to judge on what they do not know about.

 

I am sick of having a bad time, yes others have worse but mine has been fairly constant for well forever. There is only so much one person can take and considering all the above least I have never murdered anyone, got into drugs, prositution etc etc and still am a nice person that just wants help and wants to help others in pain too because she understands what its like.

 

So lord if you do exist, give me a break please before I completey give up. I only have a little fight left in me now as once again the tears run down my face.

[bubblyblonde11]

trying to carry on, not for me but I think I would pretty much kill my family if I ended my life I'm not sure I can do that to them.

[bubblyblonde11]

I'm trying ok, please do not ever knock someone for trying everything they know and everything they can to get better even if its coming here more than I probably should.

 

I am trying my hardest.

 

I am trying to recover my brain/mind as well as my heart as well as my neck problems, back problems, and other problems I have with my health.

 

I deserve words of praise not ones of critisim. I am a nice person with a good heart thats had to deal with alot of sh!t so everyone just give me a break I am trying to cope but yes I struggle sometimes, all the pain, pressure etc all gets too much at times.

[bubblyblonde11]

Thurs - down during the day, works do started off still in naff mood but then when started having a laugh that helped. Also that my boss told me to stop stressing so much about my figures.

 

Fri - total hangover from hell, OMG I felt so awful how I drove home (3.5hrs) I do not know but was in a decent enough mood.

 

Sat - Feel a little blue, nothing major but wondering whether I need to go back to 20mg on my meds cause I think I may be trying to come off them too quickly. Not looking forward to this evening going to my friend who when she drinks she gets really down and I mean really down more than me and I only get that low when I am alone! She wanted me to stay but have had to put my foot down and say no, as once she gets to this point I can just leave.

 

 

Wanna know some methods of how I can stop the odd thoughts and chains of thoughts stopping dead in there tracks.

[bubblyblonde11]

Just trying to remain hopeful that I will find my honest and emotionally strong lover oneday.

 

I don't mind being single, life is busy, but I don't want to be anymore. That said I don't want a complicated life either. Just wanna be loved for me and all the good things I can offer and have rather than a person picking on my one fault that I had. One out of about 100 good points.

 

I am sad, tired and lonely but am trying to be as happy as I can with what I am blessed with.

[bubblyblonde11]

Bad day yesterday. You silly mare. Doing bit better today had a better nights sleep lots to get done today. I just wanted to post this PM I got from a good friend that yest helped me so much and remind me of why I don't want the ex back and why I am better of alone, it spoke reams to me about alot of other things too.

 

To that person - you are my rock right now, I am eternally grateful.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Like I said before, I'm not going to let you fall

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I wish I knew what happened that caused you to be dragged down this road, I really do.

 

Fat and ugly: You can't be serious. How many here have told you how attractive you are? You made a comment about how in that pic of yours you had no make up on. All that told me was that you don't need any to look beautiful. You ARE a beautiful woman, but it's not enough for me to say that. You have to believe it yourself.

 

You WILL find someone for a LT relationship. You have so many great things to offer in a relationship that will be too hard to ignore. That said, I'd focus more on yourself now and less on that as it seems to be what your mind is telling you right now.

 

People don't like you and you are pathetic. You know people like you. You should know that I do, and so do many others here. I don't doubt for a second that the story is the same for the ones around you. Why do you think you are pathetic? Because you are having a hard time coping right now and that you are feeling down? That only shows that you are like the rest of us here: hurting.

 

You are not worthy of love. Not only are you worthy, YOU DESERVE IT. Love yourself first, that's what you need most right now. Appreciate and love the fantastic person you are inside and out, the person many of the people here have seen and admired.

 

People probably do wish for you to get over it, but not so their lives to get back to normal, but because you do not deserve to feel the way that you do. You are punishing yourself, and for what? A relationship with a selfish, insensitive man who was more concerned about himself than you? Someone who pushed your mind to the limit and did nothing? The wrong person is being punished here. You deserve so much better than that.

 

You hate life. Go ahead and hate it, in fact be defiant about it. You are in pain and hurt. You have a lot of crap thrown at you your entire life and yet here you are. The fact that you have gone through as much as you have and are still here shows incredible strength. Use that strength you have and get the best of life. You have amazing strength, your life has tempered you to have it. It's hidden, but it's there.

 

It's too hard. I wish it wasn't so hard, but this is where your strength comes in. You have it, I have seen it. To stop fighting is to give up, I can only do so much at a computer but I won't let you give up. You never let me to when I was down and I became stronger for it. Borrow some of my strength if you need to but I won't let you give up. You deserve more.

 

You can't cope at 34. Feeling weak and hopeless unfortunately knows no age. Besides that yes you can, I KNOW it. You are down right now, yes, but it will only be that way for as long as you allow it.

 

Your holiday is coming up, it's a grand scale opportunity to like you said refresh the brain matter.

 

The rest of what you said just comes from having no self esteem.......which blows my mind. The people you have helped and that have come to respect you, the hard work you've put into yourself, is that for nothing? You have every right to feel beautiful and confident. Don't let one individual who hurt you(I'll be honest in saying I think he plays a heavy hand in this) break you down. He did that once. He is not in your life anymore, don't let him do it again.

 

I don't know if anything I'm saying helps, but I do know what I feel. You suffer needlessly, I hope soon you'll see that. You deserve to see what I and many others I am very certain see: a beautiful, talented, good hearted, and inspirational woman with a talent to make others smile with her personality.

 

You stand in front of a mirror that is so covered in gunk from your past that you can't see what others do. Find some way to get that stuff off the mirror so you can see why people say that about you.

 

You are beautiful in so many ways, and the only one that can't see it is you.

 

((hugs))

 

You need to find that happiness in yourself, girl. You may have lost where you placed it, but it's still there.

__________________

[bubblyblonde11]

Well well well

 

The time is here almost. Two weeks of fun, little stress, plenty to make sure brain matter doesn't over think or get down in the dumps.

 

No alone time. Coming back will be very hard but I will deal with that when I have too.

 

And I still thank the above person - it made such a difference to how I feel - telling me how it is but in a compassionate way makes me take notice and sit up and listen.

[bubblyblonde11]

Hello there - Well here I am in sunny Orlando, Florida - wanted to have a drink as been driving all the time so spending the night in so thought we'd get some internet access.

 

Holiday has been great so far, challenging at times but no where like before I left. This certainly has been a good rest as well as lots of fun.

 

The weather has been absolutely fantastic only about 2 showers, the rest of the time sunny and very hot so have a nice tan.

 

Done lots of shopping, mostly for myself - sefish maybe but had to be done.

 

Been to all the theme parks, water parks, Clearwater beach which was lovely, Seaworld - shall tell you more on my return.

 

Coming back will be hard but I have some plans and goals I am going to work towards but I fee that I have now healed enough to consider dating properly again, all be it slowly.

 

Take care

 

Oh and to my rock, I still have a copy of your email as above with me and it still is helping me loads.

 

xxxxx

[bubblyblonde11]

Well back from my sunny holiday, lots of fun, sleep, shopping (OMG tons of shopping) and sun (weather was fab).

 

Hope you are all doing ok?

 

I have a nice tan & like said had some good fun - will post some pics later once uploaded them off the camcorder.

 

Anyways

 

I seemed to have gained some of my inner strength back....yey!!

 

My mind is fairly rested, did dream and think about things to do with ex occasionally but I think now hopefully 90% of the times this happens I don't seem to get down about them, and if I do it passes very quickly. I also have some form of acceptance and calming of anger toward him, it was not all his fault I certainly had my part to play in our downfall - yes he cruelly ended it but things had not been right for sometime, my trust in him had gone, my mind clouded and I just do not think we were meant to be, we just were not suited and he not ready for commitment.

 

Got a fair bit of my self esteem back, kept reminding myself of my good points. It also helped to see lots of females in summer gear & swimgear, realising that women come in all shapes and sizes but still have SO, be happy and have self esteem. Also that I am nice, I am caring and it's more that others either take advantage or just are not as nice/kind/caring which is their downfall and not mine. I have so many good qualities and someone will apprieciate them but will also take on the rough as well as the smooth.

 

Thought I'd be really glum about coming back but am fairly happy at the moment, not bad considering have not slept for 24hrs.

 

I have something to focus on now, the gym - ate lots of nice foods there put on a couple of lbs so want to get that off and get fit.

 

But strangely because I have some of my self esteem back the above is not worrying me to the point I feel discusting or gross, just that I want to improve on what I have and also for health benefits, social side and to destress (also because I bought alot of sports gear while in Orlando so now I need to make sure I use it).

 

So my goals for the rest of the year are:

 

Gym

Swimming

Fencing lessons

Dance lessons

Sensible eating

Xmas work party in Dublin

Hit target for EOY

Start saving for next trip away

 

Ps. I have achieved one major hurdle for myself, driving abroad, now I can do that I have no issues with going away on my own so skys the limit and thinking USA driving trip next perhaps.

 

 

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

[bubblyblonde11]

You still hun have no idea how much this helped me, I took a copy with me and have leant and healed so much in two weeks.

 

To you I am so grateful - fancy a visitor early next year?

[bubblyblonde11]

^^^why????^^^^

[bubblyblonde11]

Last couple of days have been good for me, I was worried about having bad post holiday blues aswell as being off my meds now. But hey am doing great, haven't seen anyone or been anywhere yet am ok in my own company.

 

Self esteem is good, want to get back into the gym which once I get back to normal sleep pattern will do so.

 

Also am trying to lose a little weight, just a couple of pounds to get back to where I'd like to be, but that said I know that my body is pretty fit, looks good and that I am a good person, I just got lost down a path that I struggled with which direction to head in but now I seem to be heading once again down the correct one.

 

I give myself credit for being open on here about my struggles. No matter what people think or judge I am a good person, yes I struggled at times, was sensitive but was always honest with my mixed up feelings and always tried to help myself. Do not be harsh to people that cannot see things clearly and are upset, the might need to be handled with kid gloves because they are mixed up, this does not make them bad.

 

I give credit to those who have been caring, supportive and helpful to me, I am grateful to you.