My journal/journey of healing and enjoying life again

[bubblyblonde11]

My therapist said it would be good to write things down that I feel angry and upset about so here goes some for my future reference

 

Funny too how you block me straight away and yet still had all your ex’s on IM forever and a day. Amazing

 

Dumping me by text message not very manly is it

 

Dumping me a few hours after leaving A&E again not very caring or manly

 

Dumping me before my birthday hardly nice was it

 

Dumping me right before another holiday (only the third cancelled cause you dumped me) well surprise anyone would think you never wanted to go away with me because if you did, especially knowing how much one was needed we would have gone away long before now.

 

Not hugging your supposed love one when she was ill and had just been through such a traumatic time. If you could not have dealt or coped with it then you could have called up my Mum or even said on your way out call me hunny if you need anything. Then in the morning all I get is a text not even a phone call.

[bubblyblonde11]

And what about Mothers day, well theres another time when you were totally selfish, just because you were doing your half marathon and wanted me there to support you and because it was miles away we had to stay at your Mums house, lucky you seeing your Mum on mothers day, I stood in the freezing weather hailstones, snow to watch and support you. I never got to see my own Mother on Mothers day because when I said about not watching you and going to see my Mum you didn’t like that in the slightest, funny how when it we were having a family get together a few months later that you couldn’t come because making sure your friend had a great birthday was more important, sure it is important but so was seeing my Mum on Mothers day but you couldn’t see that.

 

In the first few months you would make me feel bad if I couldn’t see you for two nights in a row, sending me emails saying I’m sure gonna miss you but that soon changed didn’t it, once you had me right where you wanted and had control, you disappeared for the weekend, totally shut me out or off. Even if you brother or friend was down and I suggested us doing something together you just became mean to me and pushed me away just because it was not what you wanted to do.

 

You just wouldn’t compromise, it had to be your way or not at all a lot of the time.

 

This is what I mean about one rule for you always and another for me, it really was not fair.

 

And as for your Mums closing comments to me when we broke up about she wished that “I’d let her got to know me more”, well when did you Mum ever text me to say hi and hope your ok, huh? I often texted her to say hi and how are you, and when she was in hospital sent several nice messages. Did she do the same to me, no, yet blames me for not getting to know her, well she sure could have tried harder, did she ever come down here and visit us, no she blames me for you not going up there as much as you used to, well it cuts both ways you know.

 

She also clearly still loved your ex even sitting at the dinner table on my first visit to her house in front of everyone starts talking about your ex and when you both used to come in the house to stay over with ANN SUMMERS bags over your shoulders – do you have any idea how small that made me feel and how awful and embarrassed I was.

 

When I was told by priory hospital that they wanted me to come in for 10days to have total rest, I didn’t go, but what did I do that very same night, oh yes drove over to your house to have dinner with you because you wouldn’t come to me, and then that very weekend who had to drive back 2hrs from Birmingham at midnight so you could have a drink (a lot to drink) oh yeah me, that’s who. Pushing myself so hard when I was told to rest you never gave me a chance I kept saying I couldn’t drive I was too tired but you went and had 8pints of guniess anyway so I had no choice.

 

I HATE YOUR GUTS RIGHT NOW

 

AS TOM FROM KEANE SUNG I GAVE MUCH MORE THAN I EVER ASKED FOR

[bubblyblonde11]

We met on dating website, first date was on the 22nd Dec, 2nd date 23rd Dec, he went back up north for Xmas then came back down for two days to be with me, went back up for new years and came to see me on New Years day.

 

He had a 10day work trip mid Jan and just before he went he told me he loved me, while he was out there he sent lots of emails telling me how I'd changed his life and made it complete and how he wanted to marry me, have babies, that he was being totally open and honest, totally himself, loved spending all his time with me etc etc however I had contracted a STD which I got checked out while he was away, I asked him had he been with many girls since splitting with the ex he said no none, I needed to know in case I might have gotten anything more serious so I think valid question. He kept to this story until end of Feb.

 

On his return from his trip in Jan we went out I was telling him that it was nice to find someone I could finally trust as I had prior trust issues and he said he would never abuse that trust and would always be honest with me.

 

Well at the end of Feb I found out he had lied about his previous sex life, came about because I googled him and seen he'd been a member of an online sex dating website thing, he said it was just the one but never used it, after a bit of digging turned out he'd been member of six sites, he said he'd only ever chatted to people on there and swore he never met anyone from them, said the person he slept in between me & his ex g/f with was someone from his Mums work. Because of his lies, I didn't know what to believe anymore, if anything he had told me or did ever tell me was true, I was turned into a total insecure wreak.

 

I went from being confident, happy and outgoing to a total depressed wreak, I agreed stupidly when I found out about his lies that I would try to stay with him although I had walked out of his flat that morning devastated.

 

Also he said that he never has any contact with any of his ex's, he had left himself signed into his email at my house on morning so I took a look, turns out he did with one who she sent sexy messages but he told her to go away but he didn't tell me about it even though I had oddly enough the same day gotten an email from one of my ex's which I told him about, also that there was another ex he emails and talks with every now and again whom he says that he still has feelings for and always will in an odd way and that they were "special friends". I decided to keep quiet about it go away on our romantic weekend just forget about it but in Milan just before Easter we were having a romantic dinner out and he decided to start talking about the ex that sent the sexy message, with that I told him to get the bill walked out the restaurant and back to the hotel as I didn't want to cause a scene out. When we got back I went mad, said I cannot believe you are still lying to me, and you having feelings for an ex what TF is that all about, we fought for about 4hrs in the room, I'd made myself sick, drunk a bottle of wine, took aload of tablets. I was totally devastated but more than before that he could lie again when he was supposed to be building trust how could he have feelings for another and also that he ruined our romantic weekend away.

 

I cannot tell you, being lied to once was bad, but when you think someone is building that trust back up and they clearly are not, well my world came crashing down before my eyes. My prince charming had become a toad, totally devastated. But I kept going vowed to stay with him.

 

Anyway 4months of emotional turnmoil, totally insecure, not knowing what he was telling me was truthful or not. We argued because I didn't know what to believe, I needed constant reassurance from him. He dumped me on Easter Saturday saying it was all his fault and I would be better off without him (I should have been stronger), the first bank holiday in May and middle of June but came back always talking about marriage, babies and us moving to USA etc.

 

I became depressed in these 4months and isolated myself quite a bit from everyone, until I started seeing a therapist who suggested I tell my family and friends and they can support me. I did build a support group around me as best I could.

 

Well like you know he ended up dumping me when I had come out of hospital needing him to help me and look after me, the day after my op this boyfriend of mine came round after his works do and couldn't even cuddle me and when I got upset didn't udnerstand why I was upset surely cuddling someone when they are ill and being ill is normal thing to expect?

 

I know for him it was alot to handle but it was his fault I became like I did in the first place and am I wrong to think it was his responsilibilty to help and take care of. Talk to me and comfort me when I needed it, because if he hadn't lied I would not have been feeling this way.

 

So how come after all this, after all I went through the deperession, the pain and hurt, the money I spent on medication, therapy, books - am I the one to get DUMPED. Doesn't seem fair to me, life isn't fair.

 

God I went from being loved (so I thought) looking forward to spending my birthday with a male for the first time in 5years to dumped days before, I was supposed to go to Thailand the week after my birthday but my holiday of a lifetime turned into surviving through work n life in general, my time when I should have been recovering from my operation rusing around seeing family because I'd been dumped and didn't want to be alone.

[bubblyblonde11]

I should have known it was too good too be true but you convinced me. You preyed on me and once you had control you started to back off. Once you had the serious commitment from me, then all of a sudden you didn't want it, then you did, then you didn't.

 

I was a rebound, classic signs I didn't know what I was looking for at the time its only been reading books since that I have found out all of what you promised and how you were so early on was not because you fell for me, its because you would have fallen for anyone who came along and gave you interest and made you feel loved again because you were still healing from your last break up.

 

I'm so angry at you for making false promises and for making me believe you were this almost perfect male that I couldn't live without or find anyone like it ever again, thats the web you spun around me, I couldn't break free.

 

I am also angry at myself for not being strong enough to break free myself, so you have done me a favour I suppose. I need to think on that one a little more.

[bubblyblonde11]

And when your girlfriend takes 45mins to get ready but you take much longer than her there is a problem but then again you were not that great looking so needed all the help you could muster up I suppose.

 

 

Oh yes and when we went out with your brother about 2wks before you broke it off with me, you put money on the pool table for a game and I asked you to put some for me, and you said well give me a pound then, jesus not even worth a quid.

 

And the Sunday before you dumped me we finished the bottle of wine you bought and you had a spare but you would not let us open it, you made me open the special bottle I had bought to take to dinner with my neighbours on Tuesday. Then you drank it all but one glass that I got.

 

You got very tight with your money. Tight fisted men make awful boyfriends.

[bubblyblonde11]

Slowly my anger towards you is diminishing. You were not all bad but you should not have lied, you should not have made promises of marriage when clearly you were a commitment phobe and only said it because you were insecure and you wanted to be in control.

 

No wonder I was an emotional wreak and totally insecure as I never knew where you'd be walking out again.

 

You proved that you were a total commitment phobe by the fact

 

We never spent a bank holiday together

 

We had to postpone holiday plans 3 times and never actually went away on holiday together

 

You dumped me before my birthday probably I believe because you did not want to spend anymore/invest in a future you were never going to commit too.

 

**********************************************************

 

Your Mum said she bought up her sons right and too treat women right so does that include making false promises, lying over and over again, pushing your g/f around, being tight.

 

Go back to your 6 sex buddy websites you were registered on, but according to your never met anyone, yeah right, pathetic liar.

 

I really do {Mod Edit} hate you and should have left along long time ago.

[bubblyblonde11]

God I still really hate your guts. You are a wimp. You totally spun a web around me making me stupidly believe you were the perfect specimin of a male all along it was BS once you had me in your control then you turned on me and Fckued me up totally.

 

And you really think I ever believed that you never met anyone from the six sexbuddy websites you joined upto before I met you. BS BS BS BS BS.

 

I was so stupid I am so angry at myself for being taken in by your false crap.

 

If it was legal I would kill you but I am not going to put myself, my life or upset my friends/family in jeaopody for what you did.

[bubblyblonde11]

Totally mad at myself, I can't believe I stayed with after I found out the first lot of lies, I can't believe I stayed with you after the second lot.

 

I also cannot believe your Mum saying that you had stuck by me through alot, well does she know her son it a totally fcuking liar and totally bull * * * *ter.

 

OMG I feel so stupid, how could I have been so dumb, how?

 

I cannot believe myself I have been a total * * * *head as far as us was concerned.

 

You even tried to turn your lies back on me, tried to justify them.

 

Grrrrgggghhhhh

 

You had something so great in me, you spoiled everything why did you have to lie and be full of total crap, you will never find someone who loved and will be as devoted to you as I was. You'll find this out eventually but it is too late because of everything the fact you left me in such a cruel way after all I had stuck by you, you will never ever form any part of my life ever again.

[bubblyblonde11]

Wow someone wrote this to me in one of my posts - it's amazing

 

One of the posts

but honestly bubbly you shouldnt be getting yourself too angered at yourself, as the reason it happened is obviously because you are a nice warm hearted person who thought u were doing right in the first place, so nothing really is any fault of yours.

As i said in a PM its the nice folk that come off worst 99% of the time as were the ones that always try to see the better side of people and give people benefits of the doubt, and thats not a fault of personality in any way, its an asset which good people have!

so no youve not done anything wrong to be mad at yourself at, being a nice person with a big heart is far from wrong

 

 

Another post truly brilliant

So true! People who are kind and considerate, loyal and caring, patient and understanding tend to beat themselves up when the relationship is over, because they feel they should have known better and not accepted what was being dished out. One thing I have noticed....it is the the SELFISH people that actually walk quickly away from troubled relationships because they can't be bothered....they only WANT TO TAKE from a relationship, not give...so they are looking for a relationship where they can give very little and just take, take, take. It is the people who are the GIVERS, the kinder, gentler people, who ARE NOT STUPID, DO INDEED SEE THE RED FLAGS, but their nature is such that they BELIEVE IN THE GOODNESS OF PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY THEMSELVES ARE GOOD who stay in the relationship for those reasons.

 

You see in others what you yourself are...Selfish people who hurt others tend to see others as selfish and hurtful even when the other person is not....conversely, kind and generous people, believe in the goodness of others...even when there are red flags showing that perhaps this is not the case. So when the relationship goes to pot, they beat themselves up for being kind and gentle......how many times do selfish people beat themselves up for the demise of a relationship...no, they are too busy assigning blame to the kind person, or saying that the kind person was abused by them because they were too stupid to stop the abuse. In other words, the cruel person blames the "victim" and the "victim" starts believing that same mentality that if he/she was stronger, he/she would have gotten out of the relationship sooner.

 

The REALITY of the matter is that the kinder, gentler person stayed not necessarily because of insecurities and co-dependence, but because there was a genuine belief that there was love there, that the person had good points etc. When you are immersed in a situation, sometimes it is very difficult to understand the true nature of what you are dealing with...and most likely the person who is behaving callously has some kind of personality disorder. The person who ends up hurt by the callous partner, doesn't have a firm grasp of what exactly is going on, why the partner behaves that way, until there is a breaking point and the hurt person starts reading and going to counselling. Then it all comes to light....and guess what...while they start getting a clearer picture of what made the other person tick...the more horrified they are for staying and then they beat themselves up for it. Knowledge is power and with that knowledge, you wonder how you could have been so naive...and yet, it is through this pain that the "victim" becomes knowledegeable while the abuser (or person who did not behave well) stays in a rut with no power of introspection and growth.

 

If you ask me, I would rather be the kind, gentle and caring person who may get hurt along the way but ends up with far more knowledge and coping skills than the selfish person who is just looking for someone to cater to their needs and thereforeeee never has any kind of emotional growth.

[bubblyblonde11]

I still can;t believe you dumped me before my birthday, just a few days, I planned your presents so long before your birthday even bought you tickets for Keane. What did you plan for mine, nothing, nader, oh apart from the two dvds from my long list on Amazon.

 

I gave too much of myself, my money, my time, my soul - you took took took. * * * * YOU - YOU TOTAL AND UTTER * * * * I * * * *ING HATE YOUR GUTS AND HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL.

[bubblyblonde11]

Bubbly, remember one thing...you are emotionally healthy whereas he is not. You will thrive in your life whereas he will just keep doing the same thing over and over again in the succeeding relationships. He is not happy within himself and that is why he behaves the way he does. That should give you some satisfaction...he is NOT a happy man, he never will be, because he needs to hurt others and lie to himself and others, in order to feel better about himself. You, on the other hand, have the ability to love yourself and love others...which allows you to be at peace with yourself. He will never be at peace with himself. Justice will come eventually...what goes around comes around...I have seen that happen before. Just because things look so hunky dory on the outside, doesn't mean they are that great on the inside. He is indeed suffering his own internal h.ll. I have seen enough abusive and personality disordered people in my life to realize that they go through their own private h..ll despite appearances. If you look closely at their actions and words and scratch beneath the surface, you will find that they are in deep emotional pain. With regards to the man who betrayed me, I now recognize him for who he is and realize his outer persona just masked a very wounded lost soul. That is punishment enough to have to live a life of internal misery while pretending to the world that you are a shining star.

[bubblyblonde11]

I Have Nothing Left For You. Good Luck And Goodbye. Now This Is All About Me And My Life Becoming Greater Than It Was.

[bubblyblonde11]

You remember what your words where when I texted you the day I came out of A & E, your text back - you didn't even call me were "what was I supposed to sit in and wait to hear from you" How mean can someone be to someone who'd clearly been in hospital. You were not in the least bit worried or anxious about my health, speaks reams I suppose.

[bubblyblonde11]

Wow look at what Allan thought of you

 

"It's good to hear you've moved on (I just thought he wasn't very sympathetic to you and a bit over-bearing at times)"

 

Even he like others have confirmed - you were controlling, domineering, unsympathic, expected perfection, were dishonest, selfish - shall I go on.

 

Shame I had to be out of it, too see it so thank you for setting me the FCUK free, go onto your next victim.

 

Me in the meantime will probably end up married with children and you'll have nothing FCUK off you low life piece of SH!T.

[bubblyblonde11]

Today was a good day, I finally have my confidence that I need to do my job back and some good things are starting to happen. July and August were understandably hard & difficult to get through and do a great job but now we are in September and I will get my deals in need to and make me the success I was before Dec 2006.

[bubblyblonde11]

For me to remember just in case

 

AGAIN - Brian McKnight

 

 

What are u calling me for

Thought it was over when u walked out the door Reminding me of the pain

That u caused

In my heart

No im not missing u at all

No im not trying to make u feel small

Lately it cuts like a knife

That u think u could walk right back into my life sooo..

 

[chorus

You dont have to call

And we dont have a reason to talk

If u want something to say

Then start telling me how you could hurt me that way

Cuz it was hell getting over u

Damn you for what yoooou put me through

The curtain's closed goodbye the end

Cuz i dont think my heart

Will let me love you again

 

Everything u said was a lie

Right to my face couldnt understand why

and how u could do me that way

and then walk back in my life

But tell me where were u when i couldnt sleep and where where u when i couldnt eat

and where u when i criiiiiiied

Theres no way i could let u back into my life

sooo...

 

[chorus

You dont have to call

And we dont have a reason to talk

If u want something to say

Then start telling me how you could hurt me that way

Cuz it was hell getting over u

Damn you for what yoooou put me through

The curtain's closed goodbye the end

Cuz i dont think my heart

Will let me love you again

 

No we can not find a way

I dont have nothing to say

Baby i gotta be real

Guess now u know how it feels

Why are u wasting my time

Guess i been crossing ur mind

Cant let u back in my life

This is goodbyyyyyye

[bubblyblonde11]

Gees this is so apt for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lol

 

Least I have my mind back

 

Heart Of Glass Lyrics (Blondie)

 

Blondie - Heart Of Glass Lyrics

 

Once I had a love and it was a gas

Soon turned out had a heart of glass

Seemed like the real thing, only to find

Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

Once I had a love and it was divine

Soon found out I was losing my mind

It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind

Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

 

In between

What I find is pleasing and I'm feeling fine

Love is so confusing there's no peace of mind

If I fear I'm losing you it's just no good

You teasing like you do

 

Once I had a love and it was a gas

Soon turned out had a heart of glass

Seemed like the real thing, only to find

Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

 

Once I had a love and it was divine

Soon found out I was losing my mind

It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind

Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

 

Lost inside

Adorable illusion and I cannot hide

I'm the one you're using, please don't push me aside

We coulda made it cruising, yeah

 

Yeah, riding high on love's true bluish light

 

Once I had a love and it was a gas

Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass

Seemed like the real thing only to find

Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

[bubblyblonde11]

Well what a div I am, I looked. Not really that bothered only a tad. Lesson learnt again = stay away from looking at ex's on Facebook.

 

And his on link removed. I am so so so so stupid for looking.

[bubblyblonde11]

OMG OMG OMG

 

I feel so happy I could burst - I have no idea why

 

My stomach is flippin over and I have no idea why.

 

This is great, I feel fantastic.

 

HOLIDAY IS ONLY 3wks and 4days away too - look out Orlando cause Debz is coming to town!!!

[bubblyblonde11]

I feel born again, alive properly for the first time in along time!!

 

All that time I was with "L" and I lost myself, was ill, was stressed trying to hold something together by myself that just wasn't meant to be.

 

The sadness of the split now.......

 

I feel like running around the park naked just cause I feel so liberated but probably best to remain in the house instead.

 

Wow

 

 

 

 

 

I am also going to start on here keeping a log of the exercises I do before I go away on my holiday to see how much different it makes in 4wks

 

06/09/07 - 45mins Aqua Aerobics class plus swimming after plus stability exercises incl stomach

 

08/09/07 - 18mins (2km) Treadmill, 5mins (2km) bike, stability ball incl stomach, 15 lengths swimming incl arms only lengths

 

10/09/07 - 20mins (2.25km) Treadmill, 8mins (3km) bike, 8mins (30 flights stairs) Stepper, stability ball press ups (20) and sit ups (60) plus 10 lengths swimming

[bubblyblonde11]

 

 

Pretending that cocktail was my ex! Pain etched in face

 

Both pics are one week after the split, me trying to put on a brave face for my friends birthday girls weekend away in Edinburgh

 

 

[bubblyblonde11]

 

 

Ah now thats better, Friday 7th Sept on way out to London for the evening

 

 

 

Today - the eyes have the life back in them IMO

 

 

[bubblyblonde11]

I feel good der ner ner ner ner ner like I knew that I would der ner ner ner ner ner I feel good der ner ner ner ner I knew that I would der ner ner ner ner so good so good (skip the next bit LMAO)

[bubblyblonde11]

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty,

I feel pretty and witty and bright!

And I pity

Any girl who isn't me tonight.

 

I feel charming,

Oh, so charming

It's alarming how charming I feel!

And so pretty

That I hardly can believe I'm real.

 

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:

Who can that attractive girl be?

Such a pretty face,

Such a pretty dress,

Such a pretty smile,

Such a pretty me!

 

I feel stunning

And entrancing,

Feel like running and dancing for joy,

 

 

THINK I AM GOING NUTS LMAO

[bubblyblonde11]

Still here still fairly happy and still smiling

 

Another hurdle passed today, ex driving past me in his car me in mine. He didn't see me and I didn't really care that much just another hurdle done with.

 

Life throws us challenges everyday, some are small some bigger - I can show life how strong I can be and cope with everything big or small it tries to throw my way.

 

Cause I have alot to live for and be happy about, I have everything to live for.

 

NO ONE KEEPS THE Bubster down for long, EVER.