maybe cliche...maybe not

[King5]

My wife's brother told her this weekend that he is gay. Sadly they have not had a chance to talk since that moment as it was during a party....no alone time since.

 

 

She is dying inside....not because of the conversation....but because it took him so long to tell her. And she feels that she has lost out on knowing who he really is and what he really likes in life.

 

How should she go about having the conversation with him? He has agreed to sit down and answer questions... All of them are about why he held back from her, and us, for so long and what else he is hiding.

 

Is this the right time for those questions?

[RayKay]

I don't think it is the right time, he will say why when he is ready. I am sure he struggled with it for a long time, maybe fearing acceptance by his family & friends...but most of all it was probably also about coming to terms with himself.

 

I don't think him not disclosing his sexual orientation means he must be hiding other things. That is a very personal thing - and I am sure you did not feel need to disclose to everyone you were straight for example and make a big deal of it!

 

It only seems when someone is gay others think they need to "tell everyone" as some sort of right of passage. People disclose it when they feel it the right time, or necessary, or important to them.

 

I think the LAST thing that needs to be done is to make him feel guilty for not coming out sooner as he was still struggling with his identity and these worries.

 

My brother came out when he was 18, and he was welcomed with loving, open arms. No questions about why he did not tell us sooner. To other family members he has never felt the need to tell. They can find out as the time arises...generally they clue in when they meet his boyfriend! I did not feel need to tell my family I was straight, so why would he need to tell them all he was gay, is how I feel.

 

Guess, what, he is the same person he was before too. Sure, she did not know his "love life"; but that does not change whom he is, or that he is HIM. He is not someone different suddenly since he announced he is gay, if that makes sense! She still knows him, and always has. Does what he "likes" in life change just because he likes men, and not women? I don't think so.

[Beec]

I think a simple statement by your wife, and behavior that comports with the statement is all she needs to do: you are my brother and I will love you no matter what. Let him say what he wants to when he wants to.

[Ash]

I'm not sure I really understand why she is so upset about not knowing earlier. She knows now, the past is gone. Why worry? Would it change how she's lived her life? Probably not a great deal.

 

The concern he is hiding something else almost sounds like an accustion, and even if not, seems to suggest a situation that may have made if difficult in the first place for him to talk.

 

I'd suggest she just let him tell her what he wants to when he wants to.

 

I strongly suspect my sister is gay as well. If she were to tell me I'd just accept it as it was. She's done with her life presumably what she's wanted and appears happy. There's no particular requirement I have to know some of the more intimate details of her life. I just need to know enough to avoid embarrassement to either of us in certain situations.

[Lana0120]

Absolutely. If he's decided he's ready to talk about it.

[King5]

She is hoping that the distance that has been built into their relationship over the last 10-15 years is that he was keeping this from her.

 

And so her questions would be based more around that and if he has other parts of his life (read interests, passions, passtimes) that he has had to withhold as well.

 

She has already welcomed him with open arms, I think she just wants all of her brother.

 

 

does this make sense?

[King5]

Well Wife spent a long weekend with her brother and they had. Her biggest fear was proven false, that he was screwed up so much by their parents that he couldn't love. He loves and had just hiden it from her all these years because it was other guys and not girls.

 

Other then that she just let him talk, and they shared memories, and forged a new bond.

 

 

[Ash]

That's good to hear.