Anon333 Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Okay..This may sound shallow or stupid..But the one regret that keeps bothering me the most about my breakup is that when we were together I had a hard time opening up and being sexual in the bedroom...I often turned him down or didnt feel in the mood...Felt pressure all the time....He was experienced, adenturous, and probably could have taught me some fun things, and I may have learned to enjoy and have fun with sex, and the whole relationship might have been different from that.....I regret more than anything I lost my chance to do those things with him..... I know there are other people out there..But when I look back, I feel like he could have been the best for me to open up..From the little things we did do in the bedroom..I know it was nothing for him..but now I cant get it out of my head..I know he found a girlfriend who was sexual right off and fulfilled those things...If he had been patient with me, I might have grown to that way...I just wish I could have had that chance..That is probably the one thing I think I will have a hard time finding from someone else....Maybe Im wrong..I hope......When he looks back, all he remembers is how unsexual I was, and it makes him glad he is not with me....Now I wish more than ever I could have changed that...He's been nothing but mean to me anyways though..and I know it is useless regrettiing these things.....It just sets me back when I think about it..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Honey, This type is thinking is not going to help you. We can sit and overanalyze the demise of a relationship to death..... and the bottom line is that they just don't want to be with us, for one reason or another. Being adventuresome in the bedroom takes trust, respect, and being comfortable with that person. Maybe something inside you didn't feel right and comfortable about being open sexually with him- your body is very instinctive and there's definitely a mind-body connection. Having said that, you've got to stop focusing on this ex and this breakup, and blaming yourself. He dashed off and married a girl a month later. He isn't the type of guy you want to waste any more time thinking about. Try and do something nice for yourself today and get him and the breakup off your mind. You are worth being with someone who wants to be with you- and when you recognize that and treat yourself as such, I suspect you will begin to attract people who treat you that way too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sao2 Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Hi again anon. Look you know about my situation, which sadly I am doing worse again lately, but not the point. Anyways while in all my relationships sex has been a major aspect I never look at the lack of adequate sex as a major detriment to the relationship. Yes while in the relationship I may place a lack of an adequate sex life high, but afterwards a lack of sex is a manifestation of a deeper problem. In your case I think it was the fact that you didn't trust that he was for real(which he wasn't). Believe me, when you find someone that you truly fall for the openness in the bedroom will come. It may take some patience, but it will happen. I have always dated somewhat shy reserved girls, and her satisfaction in the bedroom always has more to do with her and her level of trust in me than anything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted August 10, 2007 Author Share Posted August 10, 2007 Thanks hope....I know you are right..I know he was no good for me..I know part of what made me feel insecure about him was that he was soo sexual and had slept with so many woman, and had been kinda pushy about it...I just wish that even if the relationship ended up bad, I could have let myself have fun in that way..I know it is too late...I just hope I can find that sexual, outgoing, adventurous person somewhere else so I can have fun...But you are right..Beinf comfortable and trusting was a big thing that made it hard for me to do...I just posted this, because even though I am accepting he wa snot right for me, and was a jerk to me in the end....The sex thing is still something that bothers me despite those things.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted August 10, 2007 Author Share Posted August 10, 2007 Thank you sao..I really, really hope so....I just feel like all my issues Ive ever had came to light being with my ex....And I want so bad to have a normal sexual happy relationship,,,,Makes me cry..I know it might take me longer to open up and feel comfortable with someone...Im just scared Ill never find this....Everyone seems to throw caution to the wind and get caught up in mind blowing sex in the "honeymoon" stage...Which is usually the early stages of a relationship...For me, I am still getting to know someone and trust them and feel comfortable..I jsut wish I could have that passionate fun feeling like Im sure my ex had with his girfriends right off the bat...You know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cimmie Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 If you are not on the same page with someone emotionally, and you are a sensitive person, the sex will be off. If you don't trust someone, it is very difficult to be uninhibited with them. Part of you knew this. And I think you were proved right after the fact. Hope is right about trust and respect being necessary, for some more than for others. You have your standards in that area, and when you meet someone trustworthy and respectful of you as a person, I doubt you will have any problem. Please don't let that jerk make you feel inadequate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted August 10, 2007 Author Share Posted August 10, 2007 Thanks so much all of you..Makes me want to cry....I really feel like he was just able to have so much fun mind blowing sex with everyone..and then I came along, and was just a disappointent to him...To this day he says he could have never been with me because I wasnt sexual enough....I have always had a somewhat low libido...And I feel guilty I didnt give it to him enough..But it got to the point at the end that even when we did have sex, I felt like I wasnt enjoying it enough or making it "mind-blowing" enough for him....I just want to be able to be that person..But maybe I never will....Im beginning to wonder if I will not have sex for a very very long time.....Why can some people have so much fun with casual sex.? Or even when you first meet someone and feel "in love", like my ex..How can you just feel so free and connected to someone you just met? I guess I just have "issues"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sao2 Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Sex is like pizza, when it's good it's good, but when it's great . .. actually it's nothing like pizza. Sex without trust, love and with inhibitions has it's place. But sex without inhibition. Sex with trust. That's the real deal, that's what you really want. The other stuff is great, but the real deal, that's what we live for. Easier said than done, but just be patient. Your time will come(no pun intended). When your time comes you will want to be with your guy all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted August 10, 2007 Author Share Posted August 10, 2007 Maybe I just have trust issues....I know my instincts were right with my ex....But I wish I could have just let my issues go...That was a big part of what caused so many issues...It is like which came first the chicken or the egg....He tried so hard to talk to me and get me to open up and trust him....Eventually he was sick of me being awkward or turning him down with sex.....But I know I just needed to get comfortable with him and myself...I dunno....I feel like it could have been amazing, had I let it.. Thanks for the help guys.....I guess I am just missing sex..but I dont want to have sex with anyone....I think it might be the intimacy part I miss...And I want it with someone I trust..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 That's all part of the grieving process, and it's normal. But to blame yourself is not fair to you, and it's damaging to your self esteem. Are you going to do something kind for yourself this weekend? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 I have never, ever had casual sex. I know I am in the minority, but for a bunch of reasons, I have never gone that route. For one thing, I have a "female health issue" that causes me pain with sex very often, so I have to have a lot of trust with my partner. Though this plays into my need for full intimacy with someone emotionally, and my disdain for casual sex, the few encounters I've had where it was more about physical gratification than connecting on a feeling level beyond the physical, I found very little to shout from the rooftops about. So chances are, I am built not to want or be able to get anything out of casual sex. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise, though I totally relate to your feelings of inadequacy comparing yourself to your lover, your lover's lovers and all the people out there who can "just do it with no problem and enjoy it!" I have beaten myself to a pulp waaaaay too many times ruminating over all the fun I think I'm missing. It is so very hurtful what he said to you about your not being sexual enough for him, but after all my experiences totalled up, I feel confident in saying this: Whatever you could have learned with or from him, and whatever you missed, you will be able to find with someone much better for you who not only has the skills as a lover if they are a passionate soul, but will make you feel that you don't have anything to match up to to prove yourself. That is when it's going to happen for you. Think of this as your having saved yourself (though not deliberately) for experiencing all those things with the RIGHT person. He was not the one to initiate you. And it's just as well. It would have been a poor representation of what the potential you have to enjoy yourself actually is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 Anon, You've learned a lesson. That's a big first step. When you find that person that you connect with, you'll connect in all of the right areas. Don't reget! We are all in a process of moving forward, that means learning from the past, not lamenting it! You'll be fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beebee Posted August 11, 2007 Share Posted August 11, 2007 anon... it will happen for you eventually... you will open up to a man through trust and thats beautiful... always remember something though... "never underestimate the power of a women"... its lethal to a man darling... when you learn to "let go", the power you have it indescribable... you wont have some men let you know that though... they will play coy... but you WILL have the sexual power... its amazing and it works all the time... sorry guys... im letting a few secrets out here... forgive me... God bless... beebee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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