Update & Despair

[Ed1]

Hi,

 

To all of those who can remember me, and my situation, I thought I would provide an update, and ask for some more advice....

 

I started a relationship with another woman back in January, very intense, both emotionally and physically. We were both in long term relationships of 5+ years and living with our respective partners. Over time we fell in love, and I realised that I wanted to be with this other woman. I split with my g/f which was massive upheavel in itself, to try and make a stand for our relationship. The other girl told her b/f everything, she told him she had been sleeping with me, going on vacation with me, and that she was in love with me. She also told her work colleagues, her parents, her friends...just about everyone. Her b/f begged her to stay, and after a very traumatic week, she decided to give her relationship one last try. We agreed to a 4 month NC to allow this to happen - which was very hard for me. Neither of us kept to it, and e-mailed, texted, and occasionally spoken on the phone, when we were missing each other too much. I then met up with her one Sunday, and everything was how it was before - close and intimate. She told her b/f everything again - he went mad, but begged her to stay again. Anyway, I received a letter from her yesterday, saying that although her feelings for me have not changed, telling her b/f about the affair had made a completely different person (loving, attentive, supportive etc), and that she had come to the conclusion that instead of leaving me hanging on, she had made a decision to stay with her b/f.

 

I am absolutely beside myself, I feel sick, empty, emotional, powerless...I don't understand what has happened, and why after all this she has returned to her comfort zone, and stuck with her b/f. I also don't understand why he wants to be with her after everything she has done over the past 6 months. I love her, and feel such a mess right now. On top of loosing the woman I am in love with, I have lost my g/f of 6 years (who I loved), my house, my cat everything.

 

Is it worth fighting for this woman or do I just give up? She has said if she ever saw me again she would not be able to keep her hands of me, and that she still feels the same for me and is in love with me.

 

How can she be doing this if she feels this way for me? I just don't understand.

 

Sorry for my ramblings, but I am a bit of a mess right now

 

Ed

[RayKay]

My advice is the same as it was before.

 

Leave her alone, she has made her choice, and if you really DO care about her, you will respect her space and her choice.

 

That means no "accidental meetings".

 

It does not matter why she has made her choice, when she has feelings for you, as she has. She evidently loves him enough, and has invested enough in this relationship to make the choice to stay, and realizes that despite her infatuation with you, it is not the right choice to make to leave her partner. She made some mistakes, and seems to be accepting the responsibility in them and trying to rectify them.

 

And it does not matter why he can stay with her despite it..maybe he saw it as a wake up call, maybe he loves her, maybe he has low self esteem...again, it is irrelevant. It is his choice.

 

Some relationships do heal, recover and strengthen after infidelity. Most don't, but some do.

 

Time to move on, and heal yourself.

[Wimpy]

We were both in long term relationships of 5+ years and living with our respective partners.....

On top of loosing the woman I am in love with, I have lost my g/f of 6 years (who I loved), my house, my cat everything

 

I'll probably get shot down for saying this but I do remember reading about you before.

 

You cheated on your g/f behind her back.

 

You played with fire, got burned and lost everything.

 

Often the people who post on this forum come have been on the receiving end of treatment that, through no fault of their own, has left them devastated.

 

I hate to seem harsh but didn't you bring all this on yourself????????

 

I'm not trying to be inflamatory or insensitive but really - what sympathy do you expect from people??????????

[darkpumpkin]

I understand your loss. I understand why you would be in pain. It's the chance you took all the same. Remember this and learn from it. Do not contact this other woman for no other reason then doing the right thing. Try to move on with your life and make a few better choices in your future. You may not get burned so badly.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

telling her b/f about the affair had made a completely different person (loving, attentive, supportive etc), and that she had come to the conclusion that instead of leaving me hanging on, she had made a decision to stay with her b/f.

 

If I understand this correctly, it seems to me that it is entirely possible that her boyfriend had not been attentive to her and had taken her for granted and this was his wakeup call to change things. It is possible that she was getting from you what she really wanted from her boyfriend and that they have worked things out and that is why she is staying with him. It is possible that what she felt for you was borne out of lonliness because of her situation with her boyfriend...she needed someone to care about her and you were there.

 

The only thing you can do now is leave her alone and learn from your mistakes. The pain you are feeling now is the pain that your girlfriend felt when she learned that you were cheating on her and decided to dump her for the other woman. Start seeing things from new eyes...don't only look at what you lost...other woman, girlfriend, house, cat etc...you lost those because of the choices you made. Your ex girlfriend lost a lot as well because of your actions with the other woman. The other woman's partner also lost a lot because he has to deal with the pain of his girlfriend having cheated on him. Everyone in this situation has lost...loss of innocence, loss of trust, loss of respect etc.

[Beec]

Love in the way you speak of it is an emotional attachment. It's not the best or highest for of love, as that is a verb, and it is all about how you treat people. If you do what is best for them, that is love in it's highest form.

 

At the beginning, you each had emotional attachments to the people with which you had been in relationships. That's as it should be. As you began to have your affair, you became emotionally attached to the person with whom you were having the affair. The two emotional attachments were in competition. In your case, the attachment for the affair partner won out over the other attachment. You took your chance that the one you choose would last, and you gave up the attachment to the woman with whom you were living. You partner in the affair, she also had two emotional attachments, and the one to you has not won out. This is the chance you took.

 

Now, you choices are limited. I think like most people who have been dumped, as you affair partner dumped you, you should have no or limit your contact. Keep yourself busy, and over time, you shoudl heal. Also, learn from this, please.

[Ed1]

I get flamed again........and at a time when I least need it.

 

What do you mean what did I expect? Obviously not to end up with nothing for one, and not feeling like my heart has been ripped out for two, and believing what this woman said, that she needed me, that she loved me, that she could see us getting married, having kids etc.

 

I am not the fool that you may think I am. Yes I played with fire - but nobody is perfect. Yes, people on this forum have been on the recieving end of an affair, and I totally agree that affairs are wrong. It still doesn't stop someone walking into your life, and having such a fundamental effect on you, that you doubt everything you have. I did the right thing by splitting with my g/f - I could have dragged it on, concealed it, and then just reverted to the way things were when this happened with the other woman. I respected my g/f more than that, I knew that I needed to set her free, and that I was not giving her what she deserved - a loyal, and devoted partner. That does not mean to say that I instantly stopped loving or caring for her. I still love her, I just don't think we had a future - marriage, kids etc.

 

I have just spoken to the other woman - she called to see how I was. We spent an hour on the phone. She says her feelings for me have definitely not changed, she loves me, she misses me. She said that as much as she wants to stay in touch right now, she knows that she can't keep putting her heart / mind through this.

 

I feel totally empty, I really feel like I have potentially lost the one for me. I made this gamble, because I felt so passionate about someone. Yes, people may feel that this was stupid - but I genuinely felt that this was the woman for me, and who under those circumstances would not have done the same?

[Beec]

I did the right thing by splitting with my g/f - I could have dragged it on, concealed it, and then just reverted to the way things were when this happened with the other woman. I respected my g/f more than that, I knew that I needed to set her free, and that I was not giving her what she deserved - a loyal, and devoted partner. That does not mean to say that I instantly stopped loving or caring for her. I still love her, I just don't think we had a future - marriage, kids etc.

 

Yes you did, you absolutley did the right thing. While I would criticize your affair, you ending things with your gf was the right call.

 

I have just spoken to the other woman - she called to see how I was. We spent an hour on the phone. She says her feelings for me have definitely not changed, she loves me, she misses me. She said that as much as she wants to stay in touch right now, she knows that she can't keep putting her heart / mind through this.

 

I feel totally empty, I really feel like I have potentially lost the one for me. I made this gamble, because I felt so passionate about someone. Yes, people may feel that this was stupid - but I genuinely felt that this was the woman for me, and who under those circumstances would not have done the same?

 

It's going to get better. it will. Time may not heal all of your wounds, but they will at least scar over, and maybe your heart will walk with a slight limp for a while. But things will improve. Over time those emotional attachments will cause you less pain.

 

It seems to me that someone is trying to keep a couple guys on the hook and waiting for her. Not sure why, but this call of hers was probably not good for you. Why does she keep telling you how she feels, when her actions do not seem to follow her feelings. Sorry, but she seems to me as a woman who knows nothing about love, either the kind as a verb or the emotional attachment. If she knew about the kind as a verb, she would do it, adn she has not done it for either you or her bf. None of it was done with the interests of either him or you at heart. It seems to me as if she wants to have a collection of men, and that is not really love. She jsut seems as if she is williing to sacrifice nothing, for anyone.

 

 

In a good way, I think maybe, maybe, this is a lessen that God (or the Gods, or fate, as you will have it) sent you. You were not with the right woman, your gf. Something came along to show you that, and it did. I think the affair partner is also not the right woman. Sorry, if that is not what you want to her, but she seems so self-centered.

 

In time, you will heal. Learn from this and get it right when the right woman comes along.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes you did, you absolutley did the right thing. While I would criticize your affair, you ending things with your gf was the right call.

 

I have just spoken to the other woman - she called to see how I was. We spent an hour on the phone. She says her feelings for me have definitely not changed, she loves me, she misses me. She said that as much as she wants to stay in touch right now, she knows that she can't keep putting her heart / mind through this.

 

I feel totally empty, I really feel like I have potentially lost the one for me. I made this gamble, because I felt so passionate about someone. Yes, people may feel that this was stupid - but I genuinely felt that this was the woman for me, and who under those circumstances would not have done the same?

 

It's going to get better. it will. Time may not heal all of your wounds, but they will at least scar over, and maybe your heart will walk with a slight limp for a while. But things will improve. Over time those emotional attachments will cause you less pain.

 

It seems to me that someone is trying to keep a couple guys on the hook and waiting for her. Not sure why, but this call of hers was probably not good for you. Why does she keep telling you how she feels, when her actions do not seem to follow her feelings. Sorry, but she seems to me as a woman who knows nothing about love, either the kind as a verb or the emotional attachment. If she knew about the kind as a verb, she would do it, adn she has not done it for either you or her bf. None of it was done with the interests of either him or you at heart. It seems to me as if she wants to have a collection of men, and that is not really love. She jsut seems as if she is williing to sacrifice nothing, for anyone.

 

 

In a good way, I think maybe, maybe, this is a lessen that God (or the Gods, or fate, as you will have it) sent you. You were not with the right woman, your gf. Something came along to show you that, and it did. I think the affair partner is also not the right woman. Sorry, if that is not what you want to her, but she seems so self-centered.

 

In time, you will heal. Learn from this and get it right when the right woman comes along.

 

I think Beec hit the nail on the head...neither of those women were right for you. The other woman is not the prize you think she is because she has been stringing you and her boyfriend along for months. She made her decision and to contact you yet again declaring her love for you is making a mockery of her decision to stay with her boyfriend and making a mockery of the sacrifice you made for her. She is no good and maybe time to reflect will help you see that she is very self-absorbed.

 

With regards to the flaming, I think we all understand that you are in pain...and yes, you did end things with your girlfriend....but as I recall, it was only after you were flamed in your previous posts and people got on your case for not being fair to your girlfriend. You ending things with your girlfriend happened long after you were totally immersed in this affair and leading a double life. Also, what is disturbing throughout all of this is your total lack of empathy for what you put your girlfriend through and what this other woman's boyfriend is going through. Yes, you are in pain.....but so are two other people who did nothing wrong excpet love partners who weren't true to them. Hopefully some distance away from this situation and no contact with the other woman will allow you the time to reflect on your actions and realize that you are not the only one who has suffered a loss and betrayal in this whole business.

[Ed1]

Thanks for all your comments - as hard as things are right now, I do appreciate the advice (regardless of if it is what I want to hear or not).

 

I feel like ENA members have a bad impression of this other woman. I genuinely feel that she has been torn between two guys. I initially felt the same way, and continued with my g/f, but I came to realise (prehaps quicker than this other woman) that I needed to make a stand and split with my g/f. She called me today to see if I was okay, after the letter, and to say sorry for hurting me and causing me so much pain. I asked her about her feelings for me, and she said that what good would it do me knowing. I wanted to know, and she said that I should never doubt her feelings for me, and her love for me, that she will never forget me, and does think about / miss me. She realised that the NC was not working - from BOTH parties - her and me. When I did not contact her, she would contact me and vice versa. It got to the point where she acknowledged how impossible the situation was, and this instigated the letter yesterday. Nothing has changed other than she has become a lot more decisive with respect to what she needs to do i.e. Total No Contact.

 

As for my g/f and her b/f - believe me, I constantly think about the mess, hurt and damage we have done with this affair. I really do. I just don't go into detail with that on here, as I need help with coping with my issues.

 

I just don't know how to get through this. She is an amazing woman. Yes, she has not acted honourably - and she more than acknowledges that. She feels that this is the hardest thing / decision that she has had to make, and again, I re-iterate that she was genuinely torn between two partners. Is that so wrong? Does that not happen?

 

I guess what I can't come to terms with is the fact that both of us love each other, and yet she has decieded to stay with her b/f. It is just a hard thing to rationalise. I don't understand how she knows / feels that she could quite easiliy spend the rest of her life with me, want kids with me, but still make this decision.

 

I am sure that her b/f does love her, but I also worry what is going to happen down the road. Again, I will probably get flamed for this next comment, but I worry for her, that he is just doing everything in his power right now to please her, but sooner or later will hurt her and betray her. I know you will say this is nuts for me to think this way, but I do genuinely care so much for her, and I do love her

 

My world feels like it has been turned upside down, and I just wish that someone would understand that I did this not because I wanted to hurt anyone. That was on my mind constantly. But because I truly felt this was the woman for me - that I could imagine a life and a future with this woman - and I still do. I can't be angy with her, as I think she has been in a really difficult, and emotionally draining situation. Yes, you could argue that it was her own doing, but matters of the heart are not so easily ruled with rationale thought / actions - are they?

[atomicglow]

Hey -- I feel your pain -- I'm going through the same thiing -- although at a slightly different stage-- check out my recent thread & posts...

 

Keep your head up...

[Donnyboy]

Sorry to hear your pain. Her boyfriend obviously has something that you don't.

 

There are plenty more fish in the sea. Just give it time.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The bottom line is that you don't want to be someone's second best. She has continually put you second, and her boyfriend first, and chosen to stay with him time and again. I am not saying that to be mean, but to point out something that cannot be ignored. No matter how enchanted you are with her, she is more enchanted with her boyfriend than with you, or she would have chosen you.

 

So please take her down off the pedestal, and recognize that she is not the one for you, or she would have chosen you. And frequently in situations like this where you get a person who is as indecisive as this woman is (and willing to jerk two men around because she emotionally is not strong enough to commit to one), she will end up leaving BOTH of you for her next attraction down the road.

 

Also recognize that 95% of affairs that start the way yours did end badly, and the people do not end up permanently together because it eventually disintegrates amid lack of trust etc.

 

You really do need a fresh slate, as hard as that seems now, and to recgonize that she is neither perfect nor perfect for you. A passionate affair can be quite enthralling for a while, but really doesn't go the distance. Maybe she recognizes this, and is choosing what she sees as a safer long term bet for survival.

 

Please spend time with your friends and do things to break your obsession with her. Consider attending counseling to help you get thru this period, and to help you work on accepting that she is not a fairy princess, but a woman who was willing to cheat on her boyfriend, then jerk you around til your own relationship broke up, then dump you in the end. A therapist really can help you see how the whole scenario was most likely doomed from the beginning, and you deserve someone who thinks you are first and best, and not a relationship started in lies and hurting other people.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Excellent post!! I agree with Be Strong.

You have to move forward and not dwell on why she chose him and not you. Learn from this experience but don't let it ruin your life. Get your life back in order, perhaps take on more responsibilities at work, do some volunteer work, get involved in activities...just keep yourself busy and when you find your thoughts going to her, shove them out. Deal with the here and now...your present and your future. Don't dwell on the past.

[Enakmai]

What do you mean what did I expect?

 

People feel resentment for negative things that have happened to them in their lives. This is a simple case of them projecting their feelings onto you with an emotionally charged statement. They're glad.

 

Obviously not to end up with nothing for one, and not feeling like my heart has been ripped out for two, and believing what this woman said, that she needed me, that she loved me, that she could see us getting married, having kids etc.

 

It seems like a rather obviously personality. She didn't breakup with her partner prior to this instance of cheating.

 

Yes I played with fire - but nobody is perfect.

 

All this means is that you are not expected to be given any empathy.

 

Yes, people on this forum have been on the recieving end of an affair, and I totally agree that affairs are wrong.

 

How do you define 'wrong'? If you would do something 'wrong', what is the relevance in it being 'wrong'? It hurts peoples' feelings. There is no other relevance.

 

It still doesn't stop someone walking into your life, and having such a fundamental effect on you, that you doubt everything you have.

 

The possibility is dependent, not static.

 

I did the right thing by splitting with my g/f - I could have dragged it on, concealed it, and then just reverted to the way things were when this happened with the other woman.

 

I'm not going to tear this up right now, lol.

 

I respected my g/f more than that

 

You cheated and consider that 'wrong'. You're claiming you have respect for her but did something you admitted was 'wrong'. Either you have made a rather foolish claim, or you believe cheating is respectful.

 

, I knew that I needed to set her free, and that I was not giving her what she deserved - a loyal, and devoted partner. That does not mean to say that I instantly stopped loving or caring for her. I still love her, I just don't think we had a future - marriage, kids etc.

 

Makes sense.

 

I have just spoken to the other woman - she called to see how I was. We spent an hour on the phone. She says her feelings for me have definitely not changed, she loves me, she misses me. She said that as much as she wants to stay in touch right now, she knows that she can't keep putting her heart / mind through this.

 

Move on. The situation isn't worth it, and I could convince you with a long line of reasoning, but you would be much happier lacking this situation. Everyone would.

 

I feel totally empty, I really feel like I have potentially lost the one for me.

 

There is always another 'the one'.

 

I made this gamble, because I felt so passionate about someone. Yes, people may feel that this was stupid - but I genuinely felt that this was the woman for me, and who under those circumstances would not have done the same?

 

There is a difference between leaving a relationship and leading someone on and then leaving it. The average, self-considered morale person would not choose the latter.

[Ed1]

The only thing that her b/f has that I haven't is 6 years of being with her.

 

She made a comment yesterday regarding the decision not being made on comparison between me and her b/f. She has said this before during a number of discussions where she said that as soon as she compared the 2 of us, there was no comparison, I was the better partner all round. She even told her b/f this (and before anyone doubts that) I know one of her b/f work colleagues who was amazed when he actually told him this at work. Her b/f was gutted that she had said that there was no comparison and that her feelings for me were infinately stronger.

 

I agree that she has probably chosen what she feels to be the safer long term bet, but surely I could have used that approach with my ex g/f. That does not make it right. I am just finding it very hard to understand that given the paragraph above, why would anyone stay with someone just because it is safer, knowing that I have made a stand, split with my g/f etc, and told her what she means to me? How can she still tell me she feels the same way, yet still want to be with her b/f?

 

She says we can't see each other again because as soon as we do, she know she won't be able to hold back, and we will end up back iin each others arms and re-kindle the affair.

 

I guess the hardest thing is knowing that the woman I love, am in love with, shares the same feelings for me, but yet we are not together. Usually one partner will not feel this way and that is why a relationship splits. I feel like I am in the position where the woman who I feel is the one for me, does feel the same way, but is staying with this guy out of comfort, or because she may consider it to be the longer safe term bet, as somebody mentioned in their reply. This hurts and is very frustrating, as I just feel could I have done something more to demonstrate how serious I am about her, could I do anything else to show that I am a safe long term bet? Does that make any sense or are my ramblings so bad?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Don't be too surprised if this woman contacts you again...I am sure she will...she loves the drama and making men pine for her. The things she has said to her boyfriend and to you are so unbelievably cruel. She sends you a letter and the next day has to call you to reiterate what is in her letter and to tell you how much she loves you. Wow..this woman really has no scruples and I hope one day you will have some distance from this and realize that you put her up on a pedastal and she really doesn't deserve it. Get on with your life...she has proven that she is just not worth it. She is messing around with the emotions of two men and just loving it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you are trying to make sense of this by taking her literally at what she says, but unfortunately, there are plenty of people who are so self centered, they will SAY ANYTHING to manipulate other people. She says you are the far preferable choice, but is staying with second best? i really don't think so, i think she is playing you AND this other guy.

 

i am not meaning to be cruel, but i was involved for a while with a guy who i am now convinced is a sociopath, who just LOVED to keep many women on a string, all pining for him and fighting over him. it was just a happy little game for himself, but destroying lots of women that he got involved with. he was the height of charm, attractiveness, very glib, etc. etc., but lacked the one thing that really mattered, true connection and empathy for those he was involved with, and very little impulse control.

 

you are casting this woman as 'normal', but really, you sound normal, and she sounds like someone who has major psychological problems if she is indeed 'choosing' the wrong guy as she claims, or else is someone who loves the drama and whipping men up into a passion, and making herself the center of their worlds.

 

the guy i dated left pure wreckage behind him, and didn't care if he wrecked other people's relatioships and lives to pursue his latest flirtations.

 

this woman is ringing bells for me in how she is treating both you and the other guy, and what she is saying just doesn't add up... look at what she does, not what she says, and you see the chaos and excitement she stirs up for herself, including getting all kinds of people talking about her little dramas..

 

really, please save yourself, let this woman go, and don't waste anymore time on her. she is not thinking about your feelings (or her boyfriends feelings), she is just casting herself as the star in a dramatic production that SHE controls...

[RayKay]

Do I ever agree with this advice!

 

You really have to try and look at this Ed from an outsiders perspective.

 

Do you think a truly healthy, sane woman, whom respected people she loved would be going around telling her family and friends about the drama's she caused? If she really did want to live in peace and was "normal" she would stop calling you after she tells you to leave her alone, she would not be gossiping to her coworkers, friends and family about everything and just creating and living in the cycle over and over.

 

No matter what she is SAYING, her actions are VERY clearly showing something VERY different; she does not truly love either of you. That may be tough for you to comprehend when you are feeling as you do about her and she seems to be reaffirming everything you feel as well, but you need to look at her actions and the choices she is making over and over again.

 

And I guarantee even if she did come over to be with you, she would continue to be JUST as wishy washy - playing you and her ex still, or eventually a new guy.

 

I truly hope time will give you some perspective on what it really quite clear to those on the outside of it all.

[Ed1]

Thanks for the advice, and for sharing past experiences to help to make me understand.

 

I don't want to be feeling like I am now. Believe me, right now I feel the lowest that I have ever felt in my life. I feel empty, totally empty, and to be honest a little scared of what the future holds. In over 30 years of being on this planet, I have never met a person that I would truly say I wanted to marry and have kids. The sad thing is, that I saw that with this woman, and that really hurts. That was my reason for pursuing this in the first place. Granted I could have done things differently, and made sure I was single first, but I saw this woman as my future, as mother of my children. I am not one to give my heart easily, which may not seem so from my threads, but based on past relationships that has always been the case. My now ex g/f was and is an amazing woman, who I know will make an amazing mother and wife. It hurts that I have lost her also - but I only have myself to blame for that. I just did not get the feelings / urge to have kids etc with my ex g/f, which after nearly 7 years was worrying me. Not just for me but for her, as I did not want to waste her life, as she definitely wanted kids. Up until meeting this other woman, I did not have the desire for kids, my feelings totally changed with this woman. So maybe this has made me realise that with the right woman, I do indeed want a family.

 

I know people think that this womans actions speak louder than words, but when I have challenged her feelings for me, and said much the same as people on here have, she gets very upset, and says never doubt how I feel about you, I am totally nuts about you, and I love you. She says that is not what this ias about, it is about giving her relationship one last chance, without comparing, just focusing on what she has for the last 6 years to see if the damage can be repaired.

 

I am just totally beside myself right now. I don't want to do anything. Yes the pain my subside, but I am really worried that given what I have written above, that I may never meet someone again that I feel so strongly and sure about. That really scares me. I really does.

[treefrogkate]

Hi Ed,

 

I remember your situation, and I'm sorry that you're going through this much pain. I didn't read the replies, so I might repeat what others have said.

 

I don't want to say I told you so because I'm not that kind of person, but all of the signs were there that she wasn't actually going to leave her boyfriend for you, and we tried to warn you about this. Personally, I doubt she even told her boyfriend anything.

 

I hope you're not doubting breaking up with your girlfriend. It was the right thing to do, and it would have been unfair to her to keep her in second place.

 

You need to CUT ALL CONTACT with this woman. No more phone calls, no more meetings, no more texts or emails, NOTHING. Not to try and make her jealous (although she might be when she sees how her life is without you hanging onto her every word), but so that you can begin the process of moving on. If she calls you, don't answer (or have the phone company block her number). Block her emails. Don't even read them.

 

I can say that she is treating both you and her boyfriend with a lack of respect that confounds my mind, telling you she loves you and misses you while she's still with her boyfriend, keeping you hanging on with her words. It's ridiculous, and you are being played, my friend. She is holding out a carrot to you, and you're following her blindly where she wants you to go.

 

She's made her decision, Ed. If you love her, then you'll be the bigger person and respect that decision.

 

Good luck. Like I said, I'm really sorry you're going through this, but you have the power to stop it. Move on with your life. You don't deserve to be treated the way she's treating you.

 

Edited to add: I can relate to how you are feeling, scared that you'll never find anyone else. I went through this when I finally got the courage to leave my ex-husband. I was terrified that I'd never find anyone else. You have to see, though, that your entire "relationship" ended when you made the move to make it serious and real. She was happy to continue cheating on her boyfriend with you, as long as there wasn't the possibility of her relationship with her boyfriend ending. As soon as you made it real to her, she balked and went back to her boyfriend. There's something in that, Ed. I don't think the feelings she has for you are quite as strong as she would have you believe, no matter what she's telling you.

[treefrogkate]

Ed, how are you doing?

[Ed1]

Hi Treeofgate,

 

Many thanks for your response.....it did help....although the feeling of despair, feeling rock bottom is still the overriding emotion right now. I still feel totally shattered with what has happened, and am really worried about the future.

 

I did get an e-mail early in the week, just with some pics of her looking all gorgeous and sexy. I had asked for them a few weeks ago, and I get sent them now. One even included her b/f, although I don't think there was anything intentional in that. It was a picture that I had asked for in a particular outfit, and this was the only photo she had. It was really nice to see her in the pics, but it sure did hurt, and made me feel physically sick at the thought of loosing her. I have not responded to the mail - although I can't guarantee I won't. I know people on here will think I am like some love sick puppy, but what we had was special, and I truly thought this was the one for me. I put everything on the line for that, and we all the know the outcome. I just keep wishing she would call. I keep wanted to text her, but what will I say, I love you...? I miss you? What good will that do, she already knows that.

 

I can honestly say that right now, in my early 30's, I feel the lowest, most alone, than I have ever felt.

 

Thanks for all your comments ENA members, I hope one day I can advise other members.

 

Ed.

[treefrogkate]

I know you're in a lot of pain right now, but it will get better. I promise.

 

And I know you don't want to hear it, because you're still in love with her, but can't you see how cruel she is being to you? She sends you pictures of herself after telling you she can't be with you, and wants to stay with her boyfriend? Then she tortures you by telling you that she loves you? If she loves you more than she loves her boyfriend, why is she still with him? It sounds like she takes every opportunity she can to make sure you are still hanging on for her in case she decides to dump her boyfriend (or until he dumps her).

 

You have lost whatever wicked game she was playing. She doesn't deserve another moment in your thoughts.

[Ed1]

Hi all,

 

After 3 weeks of licking my wounds and aching heart....and NC....the OW has contacted me twice this week (via text) saying that she is really sorry and really misses me. I tried not to reply but I am nuts about this woman, and the heart ruled the head and and I buckled.

 

Am I reading into this too much or does this mean that I could still have a chance with this woman? I forum members have advised me to move on and forget about her, she doesn't deserve another thought etc. The problem is I think about her all the time and am really miserable without her. The thought of a life without her fills me with sadness - I really love her.

 

I feel really alone, and don't even want to meet anyone else as I don't want to mess with someone else's feelings, and get involved with someone when I have such strong feelings for this woman.

 

Ed.