is it normal to feel such loss from an abusive relationship?

[Anon333]

I believe that my ex verbally abused me to an extent and he also hit me at one point after the break up and caused a huge bruise on my thigh...The physical part actually didnt bother me...It was more the verbal things he said..When we broke up...He held me and restrained me from running away while he told me all about his new girlfriend and I cried..And then he continued to belittle me and tell me what an aweful girlfriend I was..When we were together there were many times I was a brat and put him through hell...But when he snapped, he tore me apart by calling me names and making me feel like I was two inches tall...It seemed to escalate that the meaner things he said to me...The more I pulled away and didnt feel close to him..to which point he would try to be so sweet and make it work and talk things over..and when I couldnt talk things over he would get angry with me....Now the relationship is over...And in a strange way I feel lie I miss some of that dominance in my life...I know it made me feel like crap at the time...Maybe I am a masochist? maybe since this is all I knew of a relationship since my most recent one I am missing it..It is just hard for me to understand why I would miss this person so much that I know had the potential to cheat on me and hurt me more...I dont understand why my heart almost aches for that....It sounds so twisted and wrong..I must just have low self esteem? Ive never been in an abusive relationship...I dont know if mine qualifies..If anything he would probably say I was abusive by being emotionally and physically cold..But I feel like I am left feeling so at loss with myself and wishing I could have "fixed" things and made things work..Even though when he was mean, I really felt like he was stealing parts of who I was.....Has anyone feel this way? I feel almost ashamed or defective to want someone who has hurt me and continues to hurt me...I know I hurt him as well..And he seems to be healthy in that he would never want to be with me because of what I put him through...So why do I????

[prizmpyxis]

Hi Anon,

 

I have been in an abusive relationship similar to the one you described. My ex would belittle me so much and make me feel like such a horrible person. He also eventually started having sex with another woman behind my back, claiming that we weren't really together. My father was also both verbally and physically abusive to me, as well as the rest of my family when I was growing up...so I can relate.

 

The thing is, even though this person abused you, hurt you, and is probably a complete dirtbag...you miss him because I'm sure there were times when he wasn't like that at all. An abusive person is not abusive 24/7, and in fact they are usually quite the opposite the rest of the time. My Dad would always bring my Mom flowers and apologize after he hurt her and he'd act sweet for days. I'm sure that you not only miss having someone in your life, but you also miss those good times...even though the bad outweigh them.

 

Another thing is that in a lot of abusive scenarios, the woman loses so much self esteem that she starts to feel like she NEEDS that person in her life and that she needs that dominance. Abusive people are extremely manipulative, and I'm sure your ex made you feel that you needed him in your life. What you need to do now is to break free of that image, because he is gone and that is what's best for you. You are an independent person, and you do not need anyone telling you what to do, or hurting you. You deserve respect, and love. Never settle for less, and make sure you stay away from your ex for good.

[Anon333]

Thank you prizm..I get confused between blaming myself for the whole relationship going wrong and then realizing that he stepped out of bounds often when he got angry and really hurt the core of me...I still dont know how abusive it was..Some days I feel like everything I did was wrong and feel so much regret..I pushed him away..I acted out..I was stubborn and pouty..It was not like I was some poor little girl that let him boss me around and hurt me...I actually question if parts of me were abusive, when I would snap at him while he was trying to talk patiently..So it is hard to see clearly the relationship...I do know that the times he snapped and yelled at me for hours and threatened to be with other woman and told me I was stupid and did not stop belittling me, were such horrible moments in the relationship, I found it hard to feel good about a future with him afterwards...But then it would continue and he would beg to make it work out...Now he claims he never loved me and that I pushed him away and made him crazy and act that way......I think your last paragraph is telling in that the sudden loss of him is almost a part inside me that is missing....And it must be my self esteem..On some days I realize the pain I feel is clearly coming moreso from me feeling worthless..Like he defined me as that...He begged to make it work with me, and left me in a heartbeat..So now I am left to pick up so many jumbled pieces....But it is strange...I dont just miss the good times..I miss that dominance he had over me...Not that yelling and hurting me..But it feels like it spoke to something inside of me..I know it sounds totally twisted to say that.....I am afraid I will crave this from someone else in a sick way...I am afraid I will want another domineering abusive relationship....I know it sounds horrible....Maybe I was the one that caused it, and made him be that way because I provoked it and wanted it...it scares me these thoughts..I can say I want a healthy relationship...But then I wonder if I did if I would feel like something was missing....

[Aurian]

I think you are confusing dominance/abuse with assertiveness and confidence? Maybe you liked that he seemed to think he was right and was confident and took control at times? You can find a guy who is assertive and confident without being hurt and abused.

 

I liked this article I found after an abusive relationship. It helped me understand myself a bit. Look at the article in my signature about Losers and the one about Stockholm Syndrome.

[Anon333]

Aurian..You could be right on...I think I am attracted to assertiveness and confidence, as I feel I am lacking in that...He was assertive and confident in an almost cocky way..and could be pushy..Other times he was assertive in a kind way....And times when I felt like he was being over assertive and pushy, I would react and get defensive..Which would often turn to him exploding and putting me down..It was an ugly cycle....We had our good times...But I think I was a pain in the butt and alwasy moody with him as well....I just know he slept with someone almost every time we broke up..and rubbed it in my face later...He also bragged about having other woman...and like I said, told me how much better his new girlfriend was after we broke up...Needless to say I made him angry and pissed him off....As for that link...It was a blessing..I read it the other day and printed it out and really saw a lot of my ex in many of the warning signs..Especially the moving fast part...He married his following girlfriend a month after me....Also the part about making me feel crazy and saying what I say doens make sense...I always felt tongue tied and nervous around him...and then he would make me feel stupid...Ugh...Thanks for letting me vent...It is such a roller coaster ride of emotions...Between blaming him and blamin myself....I guess I should jusy know it wasnt healthy....But why do I miss it..Why do I miss him? WHy do I miss him talking to me in a domineering way...Even though I cringed when he did in reality? It is strange...

[Aurian]

I felt the same way when I left my ex. He was hurting me almost every day, yet I was sad.

 

I guess it is because the heart doesn't always let go of love as quickly as the head understands that it is a bad relationship.

 

It will pass; your heart will let go of those feelings of needing him. Its okay to feel this way, you need to let the emotions work themselves out in order to heal. If you suppress your emotions they fester. Try not to blame yourself, and try forgive yourself.

 

Myself, I was a wreck for a few weeks and had some ups and downs for 2-3 months. After about half a year I was feeling healed and ready for a new relationship. I learned some things to avoid in the future and what I will and will not accept from a boyfriend/husband. I have learned what is and is not acceptable in any of my relationships. I am happy with someone new now.

[GypsyGurl]

i know how you feel anon...im feeling the same rite now. i just posted on here about how my bf/fiance choked me....i decided to press charges. i still feel like ive now ruined his life by going to the police but the other part of me feels like he ruined my soul by being verbally abusive for a year and then finally just snapping and choking me.....i feel the same way you do about the confidence and assertive thing. my bf/fiance always was so cocky to the point that he looked like a pompus ass in front of pple. he always made me feel like a piece of crap by nitpicking at everything i did and calling me names...the verbal abuse has ruined me...i really want to get back to the old me...but i know it takes time...

[Anon333]

I read your post and wasnt sure what to say....It sounds horrible what he did, trying to strangle you...Do you think he felt guilty and horrible about it after? Just sounded like he was more worried about you telling someone else...The one time my ex was physical was after we were broen up..We were laying down and he was verbally ripping into me about how stupid I was, and then he just slapped me super hard on the thigh...It stung so bad, and I had a big black and blue that didnt go away for about a week....I didnt feel as life threated as your situations..But it was really evil.....Afterwards he laughed at the big bruise, and so did I...He had fingerprints on his arms from me trying to keep him from restraining me...That was probabaly the last time I hung out with him...He got married a couple weeks later....And then contacted me a week later trying to be my friend..It is all a mess...I hope I can pull through and want and have a normal healthy relationship and be happy..Because right now..All I do is miss him...and then feellike something is wromg with me to miss someone who clearly never loved or cared about me.....Ugh...Thanks gypsy gurl..I think it will take awhile to sort htings out..I hope you dont feel too guilty....Maybe it will hit him finally what he did to you....And I think this will make you a stronger person as well...

[GypsyGurl]

anon33, yeah he was always worried about who i was talking to about our issues, eventually i shut my friends out when we would fight. that according to dr carvers article was his obsessive plan. after reading that article a lot of things piece together. he proposed after 9mnths of dating, and it was 2mnths i had left him because he threatened me when i wouldnt get outta his car. i do feel guilty for calling the police but i also feel some relief that they know about him if ever contacts me again he is to be arrested. the last time when we were apart he called/emailed/texted me repeatedly. i had to chnge my fone number and change my locks cause at the time he had a key to my apt. he has no key to the new locks and if he calls or shows up i have the police to take care of him. i am happy im not marrying him and you should be happy your not with your ex. his wife will soon see the real him...you just wait.

[Anon333]

Gypsy..My ex didnt get as bad as yours..But I think it could have easily escallated to that..I was with him only six months...And allthough he was a sweetheart to me...Even from the very biginning he was a bit abrasive and pushy, which put me on guard....He constantly was trying to talk to me about me not showing enough affection and not being sexual enough....But this was within the first few weeks..I told him I just needed time to get comfortable with him...But it became a discussion all the time..He would get offended if I was watching tv with him and paying attention to my cat instead of him..Part of it was flattering that he wanted all this attention...But I also couldnt live up to what he expected from me..I have blamed myself for this for so long....But at the time...I couldnt push myself to be a different way...And thats what he was doing.....I never felt completely at ease like I could be myself or relax, he would say I was acting weird or distant, and at that point maybe I was....It just made me moody and push him away...And when he felt this way he lashed out and called me selfish, immature, childish, self centered, stupid, and brought up my past relationship and said no wonder it didnt work...And then he would tell me about other girls who would want to be with him....if I told him to leave because he was yelling at me, he would tell me he was going to go sleep with a girl....one time he called her in front of me...It hurt, but at the time I would just want him out of my house...Sometimes he would guzzle down a bunch of beers in a middle of a fight and just rip into me...He would go in between saying he was sorry, that I just drove him to that point, and then when I didnt forgive him, he would just get mean again and say I had no common sense, I didnt knwo how to communicate or be in a normal relationship.....

 

I question myself all the time....I feel like there were many times he tried to make things work and talk to me...and I just felt so on guard...I dont know if something is wrong with me....I know I was stubborn....Your ex sounds horrible..My ex never cut me off from my friends..I dont have too many to begin with...A few times when he told me I was stupid or whatnot, and I stuck up for myself and said so and so thinks Im intelligent and a good person he would just say how does it feel having people just say what you want to hear....He would say he was the only one who was being honest with me....That I was selfish and had no common sense when it comes to relationshps....I tend to believe this now..And feel like crap..He bought be flowers and did so many sweet things for me, none of which I showed any appreciation or gave in return....And he begged for me to show him some love and affection, and I just couldnt...He said I must be incapable of love...Im worried that everything he says might be true..

[Iceman26]

Sure it is. In a way you sort of miss the pain they caused you to a certain extent.

 

It is only when you have moved on to bigger and better things that you look back on it and wonder why the hell you ever put up with it in the first place.

[Anon333]

Iceman..I really really hope so....I dont want to "miss" that pain he caused.It is like I am just asking for another unhealthy relationship..I guess why it is good to just take time away to sort my head out....I feel so defunct...I wish I could warn his wife....Right now she probably thinks she met her prince charming...Maybe it was just my personality that brought out the worse in him..and she will be sweet and do what he wants and they will never have a problem?

[GypsyGurl]

youre not incapable of love hun, you mind was subconsiously telling you that this man was not for you. if he was you would have naturally felt comfortable enought to stand up for yourself or play with your cat. Sometimes when someone always complains about your behaviour even if its good behaviour then maybe its them that needs to stop expecting you be obsessed with him like he was with you. I can relate my bf/fiance would get mad if i would do anything that didnt involve him. He would stew about it then blow up about when we were alone. It was horrible. I always saw him flirting with other women, exes even, but if i even textmessaged an ex for a recipe or talked to a guy friend online he would get very jealous and say i wasnt allowed to be on online anymore. He was also very needy as well. If i wanted to be away from him i would cherish the nights where he was working late and get all my errands done and talk to my friends on facebook in those 6hrs he was at work. Its scary to think what it would be like if we had moved in together in October....

[Anon333]

Gypsy...It got to the point with me as well, where I enjoyed my time away from him where I could just sit back and relax with my cat in my lap and watch stupid tv shows....Some nights I would warn him before he came over that this was all I wanted to do and that I felt like being alone that night...He would say he would just come to hang out and not bother me..But then he would end up making fun of what I watched or getting mad I wasnt paying attention to him..Even though I told him ahead of time this was how I was feeling that night...I wonder if your ex will be like mine and jump head first into a new relationship....If he is the same type of person he will....It is very hurtful, and very hard...It is good to remember these bad things...Because despite all the crappy things my ex did, I still miss him and wish it could have worked out......Even when I expressed this to him, he said he never would be with me even if I was a completely different person....It hurts that he could care less about me...But I guess it makes me realize I dont need someone in my life who feels this way....Some of the ways my ex was, could have been interpretted as sweet in many people's eyes....But for me, it felt like it was neediness and pushiness....Maybe Im just all wrong.. I dont think Ill figure it out unless I find someone I actually get along with and feel comfortable with..The fact he found someone else and has rejected me, makes me feel like the one that was all wrong...

[Iceman26]

Iceman..I really really hope so....I dont want to "miss" that pain he caused.It is like I am just asking for another unhealthy relationship..I guess why it is good to just take time away to sort my head out....I feel so defunct...I wish I could warn his wife....Right now she probably thinks she met her prince charming...Maybe it was just my personality that brought out the worse in him..and she will be sweet and do what he wants and they will never have a problem?

 

Maybe "missing" is the wrong terminology. I think being used to it is probably the more correct way to say it.

[Aurian]

My ex would say the same things. That I was bullied and hurt a lot as a child because I must have deserved it, just like I deserved to be yelled at and put down constantly by him. It was always my fault he lost his temper - it was never his fault for throwing things, breaking my stuff or screaming in my face or waving a knife around. He also said I was hopeless at relationships and emotionally too unstable to be in one if he wasn;t soooooo patient and loving.

 

Bullcrap.

 

I am in a loving healthy relationship now. It is not me that was the problem!

 

You never felt at ease with him because he was always ripping you apart and trying to change who you are. A real relationship is about love and support, not putdowns and hurt.

 

 

 

My ex used to pretend to try make things work with me too - but only if everything was pinned on me. Anything I wanted to ask him to change was incredibly stupid and unreasonable, it was laughable. That is not trying to make things work - that is just another tactic for him to try change you into something more compliant and meek for him.

 

Its so easy to believe what the abuser says because you do/did love and trust him, but don`t trust him. Don`t believe him. They take an insecurity and make it seem real. Its not real.

 

 

 

If he is treating her better, it is probably only because he is winning her over and trapping her into a relationship with him. At the moment, she is probably enjoying the attention, but the minute she does something he doesn`t like, he will hurt and rip into her too. Its not you. Its HIM.

 

 

 

No. Some things can be interpreted as sweet, but you`re smart. You sensed that he wasn`t good and that he was pushing and clinging to you too much. That is a good instinct to trust. He only found someone else because he wanted someone easier to manipulate and hurt. He only wanted to find someone more compliant and more easy to turn into his slave.

 

Build your self-esteem back up first before you find a new relationship and then you can find someone who loves you, praises you, supports you and is happy the way you are.

[Anon333]

Aurian..Thank You, Thank You so much for taking the time and responding to what I wrote..It truly means a lot....I know no relationship is black and white...I wasnt some helpless little girl, who was attacked and abused....I was cranky and moody and often was in the wrong in the relationship...I often drove him crazy...BUT....I also think my instincts were right from the beginning...

 

When I first met him and we were trying to be sexual, I got uncomfortable, and he seemed to get turned off by me being uneasy...He seemed to act like I should have been more loose and easy going...as if something was wrong with me...Other people I have dated have either accepted my uneasiness and gave it time and patience, and would have been understanding...He immediately was wondering if something happened to me in my childhood, was asking why I couldnt loosen up..Kept telling me to take it as a challenge and have fun with it...The more he pushed the more unnatural and uncomfortable I felt..I told him I just needed to get to know him more..That was kind of the epitome of our relationship...He pushed my affection and intimacy with him just the same, and I was still getting to know him and felt like he was abrasive..He thought I was distant and weird...But I just wasnt ready to say I loved him and be all over him in the first week, I knwo some people get wrapped up like that, I just wanted to take it slower....

 

I know I was a brat sometimes...But I also expressed to him that he acted above me and made me feel like he knew everything and I was just supposed to accept everything he said...I even told him he came accross as arrogant..The thing is...He listened to me when I said this and said he would try not to do that..WHich is rare for a typical "looser" from that article of yours..He WAS willing to talk about what he was doing wrong and what I was doing wrong..The only problem was that the only issues I had with him, is that he seemed to have SOOO many issues with me that he constantly wanted to discuss and get to the core of....Asking me why I didnt show more affetcion or get him flowers like he got me. I regret not trying to do more...I dont know if this was wrong of him..Or we were just incompatible..I asked him why he wanted to be with me if he saw so many bad things about me..and he would just say he saw something good deep inside all my "issues"..Which made me feel worse..He said he loved me so many times....And yet today he tells me he didnt mean it caus ehe didnt know what love was...Ugh!..I dunno....

 

Thank you for your response.....He was not always verbally abusive...And sometimes I snapped and yelled at him and pouted....But I never belittled him the way he did...I dont think I had it in me..It always felt like I was under him...Maybe it was just my insecurities...And maybe part of me that hated that when I was with him...Yearn for that in a strange childlike way...Ill never figure it out..But I do hope I will grow stronger from this...I really have gotten to the point in the past couple days that I dont want to hear from him at all for a very very long time if ever....I wish there was a way I ould put it to peace with him...But I know he will just say more hurtful things to me..About what a nightmare I was, and how he never loved me...It is too painful.....

 

Im afraid this girl he found really must be easier to manipulate than me...She found out he cheated on her with me, and he proposed to her, and she married him.....At least thats what Im pretty sure happened...Its sad....I knwo they both believe they are in love, and they both feel this way...But if he hasnt faced the issues he had with me...It is bound to come out with her..But maybe she will just be easygoing and happy with him bossing her around...? You think? SOrry this was so long...

[Aurian]

Aurian..Thank You, Thank You so much for taking the time and responding to what I wrote..It truly means a lot....I know no relationship is black and white...I wasnt some helpless little girl, who was attacked and abused....I was cranky and moody and often was in the wrong in the relationship...I often drove him crazy...BUT....I also think my instincts were right from the beginning...

 

You`re welcome, Anon. Yes, no relationship is perfect and everyone is allowed to have their moods or be wrong. The important thing is how you handle those moods and wrongness. I can be moody sometimes, but I try to minimalize any hurt I might do to others or even give them a heads up ("I`m a bit cranky today. Bad time of the month / rough day at work / etc"). Or you can admit you are wrong and listen to the other person too. You don`t hurt the other person and you don`t belittle them - that is how an abuser handles his grumpy moods and being wrong.

 

When I first met him and we were trying to be sexual, I got uncomfortable, and he seemed to get turned off by me being uneasy...He seemed to act like I should have been more loose and easy going...as if something was wrong with me...Other people I have dated have either accepted my uneasiness and gave it time and patience, and would have been understanding...He immediately was wondering if something happened to me in my childhood, was asking why I couldnt loosen up..Kept telling me to take it as a challenge and have fun with it...The more he pushed the more unnatural and uncomfortable I felt..I told him I just needed to get to know him more..That was kind of the epitome of our relationship...He pushed my affection and intimacy with him just the same, and I was still getting to know him and felt like he was abrasive..He thought I was distant and weird...But I just wasnt ready to say I loved him and be all over him in the first week, I knwo some people get wrapped up like that, I just wanted to take it slower....

 

That`s fine. Some people can jump into sex as something light and fun, and some people take it more seriously and want time. Any decent guy would respect your needs, not push you. I waited with my new (good) guy and he completely respected my feelings and was okay with waiting with me. That is how a good guy should handle it, even if he wants to jump in right away!

 

I know I was a brat sometimes...

 

Says who? Him? I would discount anything he said about you. He says things to hurt you. They may sound very believable, but you need to consider the source and decide for yourself what you REALLY think your strengths and weaknesses are. My ex said a lot of rotten things. Some were completely wrong and some had a grain (a TINY one!) of truth. So with time and help, I rejected the garbage and fixed the ones I acknowledged to be slightly true.

 

But I also expressed to him that he acted above me and made me feel like he knew everything and I was just supposed to accept everything he said...I even told him he came accross as arrogant..The thing is...He listened to me when I said this and said he would try not to do that..WHich is rare for a typical "looser" from that article of yours..He WAS willing to talk about what he was doing wrong and what I was doing wrong. The only problem was that the only issues I had with him, is that he seemed to have SOOO many issues with me that he constantly wanted to discuss and get to the core of....

 

Heh, another tactic used by my ex. He only listened (or pretended to) so he would look like a good guy. But note something, he listened and said he would fix it, but he never did, did he? Talk is cheap. If he didn`t bother to change, then all the listening in the world doesn`t matter. My ex also used those times of listening as a club - "I listened to you, so you need to listen to this this this and THIS! And fix them too. After all, I listened to you!" Thing is, the talking is more manipulation. They get a chance to make you feel bad about yourself by telling you things that are wrong with you in a reasonable-sounding way. Because its said reasonably, its more believable, and you take it to heart. Meanwhile, the things you had trouble with him... in one ear and out the other. Why should he listen to someone he thinks is so far "beneath" him?

 

I asked him why he wanted to be with me if he saw so many bad things about me..and he would just say he saw something good deep inside all my "issues"..Which made me feel worse..He said he loved me so many times....And yet today he tells me he didnt mean it caus ehe didnt know what love was...Ugh!..I dunno....

 

Saying the right things to hurt you the most. Cheap talk again.

 

And sometimes I snapped and yelled at him and pouted....But I never belittled him the way he did...I dont think I had it in me..

 

One will do that when provoked over and over. I had things I did I wasn`t proud of either, but I never did the things he did to me. I also never done them since I left the relationship. The abuser is trying to provoke you into bad emotions and reactions, wheras he reacts badly to things you do that should not even begin to elicit the same response.

 

It always felt like I was under him...Maybe it was just my insecurities...And maybe part of me that hated that when I was with him...Yearn for that in a strange childlike way...Ill never figure it out..But I do hope I will grow stronger from this...I really have gotten to the point in the past couple days that I dont want to hear from him at all for a very very long time if ever....I wish there was a way I ould put it to peace with him...But I know he will just say more hurtful things to me..About what a nightmare I was, and how he never loved me...It is too painful.....

 

I would just avoid him best you can. I never did get that closure from mine either. A part of me would love to rub the successes I`ve had since leaving and my current bf in his face, but I like to think I am more mature than that I found that writing it and pretending he was reading it helped. I found that saying the things you want to say out loud helped. You won`t get a response, but sometimes just letting it out is what you need.

 

Im afraid this girl he found really must be easier to manipulate than me...She found out he cheated on her with me, and he proposed to her, and she married him.....At least thats what Im pretty sure happened...Its sad....I knwo they both believe they are in love, and they both feel this way...But if he hasnt faced the issues he had with me...It is bound to come out with her..But maybe she will just be easygoing and happy with him bossing her around...? You think? SOrry this was so long...

 

Unless she is really really really subservient, she will eventually do SOMETHING to annoy him and he will do the same things with her that hurt you. She might not be as strong as you and stay or she might leave too eventually. It is sad, but there isn`t much you can do, really. If you try to warn her, she will believe that you are just being a jealous ex-gf, especially with your ex now on his best behaviour with her.

 

Focus on yourself now. *hugs*

[Anon333]

Okay...This response hit home..This was the epitome of out relationship...Talking, talking, talking....When I look back I cant even remember about what...But it wore me out so bad, sometimes I just went numb...Any response I had I was lost for words, or raising my voice, or not making sense, or interrupting him...When I would shut down or say I could discuss it any longer, he would use that as me being abusive and not wanting to wrk through the problems, not listening to him, or know how to work things out...But when we talked, I felt so much like he took charge f the whole conversation...I dont know how our conversations even lasted as long as they did...

 

This is a big reason why I look back and feel so guilty...And this is a big thing he looks back on and says he did everything in his power t make it work and communicate rationally with me...The thing is...99% of the time we were discussing how I could change the way I was...How I could be more affectionate, less "weird", more sexual, how I needed to learn to communicate better....I tried so hard..And I know there was a lot on my end to work on...But he made me feel so inferior constantly talking about my short comings...I didnt feel like we had a moments time in our relationship where I culd be myeslf and we didnt have to discuss these things....That is what drove me abslutely insane...That is what made me snappy and moody...and that is what he reacted to and yelled and screamed how selfish and immature I was...

 

Is this typical of an abusive relationship?...My ex was very intelligent..ANd came accross as the proper way to communicate and work things out...But everything always seemed about me...Even him bringing up my past relationships, using it as an example, saying "I know youve had this issue in the past"....."Hw do you ever expect to have a normal relationship"....And when he met his now wife..All he culd tell me was how much they "clicked" and got along and how good and right it was, and she knew how to treat him..and now he says he never loved me....All of this has made me feel so unbelievably inadequate! My self esteem is so low because of these constant conversations that would turn into outbursts of him putting me down...

 

I have been blaming myself 100%..He has been blaming me 100%..He remembers me telling him to leave, that I couldnt handle it....All he remembers is me pushing him out and not being able to talk and being moody...But I am a good caring person..I just dont know what happened....Ugh...Sorry again to vent....That paragraph that you responded to helped alot...Because Even when he was coming accross as kind and caring, his words felt like constant criticism..I know I can be sensitive to criticism, but this was constant...I internalized so much of what he said and tk it to heart...To othis day it scares me I will end up a lonely old cat lady like he said I would...We'd talk for hours...no end in sight...ANd when I got upset and raised my voice...I came accross as the crazy one..To which he would say I was crazy and childish....Argh!!

[Aurian]

Were you dating my ex? Geez, almost everything you're writing is major deja vu!

 

He was very intelligent and obviously researched psychology or something because he always sounded reasonable and understanding in those "conversations" while at the same time putting me down and making me seem like I had all the problems. If I got upset or something he was amazingly good at twisting words around until I seemed to be the resistant and crazy one. He even accused ME of abusing HIM because I wasn't "loving" him enough to change the three zillion things he disliked about me.

 

Some abusive relationships are more straightforward. I think intelligent, verbal abusers like our exes are the worst because they are so believable and you end up believing everything they say and taking it to heart. I felt so crappy about myself that by year 5 I was cutting myself and working out suicide plans so I would stop dragging him down. Ugh! Fortunately, one of his "reasonable" requests was that I get counselling because my emotional problems were FAR too big for even the most sensitive and caring boyfriend to help me with. Big mistake - I actually went and learned about self-esteem and how my bf was abusing and manipulating me. It took a year of counselling before my eyes were opened and I started to ask questions of my own.

 

- "Why is everything my fault when he is the one always yelling and breaking things? Why is when I cry I am out of control, wheras he is allowed be angry?"

 

- "Why is he always right?"

 

- "Why does he say one thing yet never actually puts them into action?"

 

- "Why is he with me if he thinks I am so worthless?"

 

- "Why do I think I am worthless? Haven't I done this this and this? Why isn't he supporting me instead of ripping up my accomplishments? Why is he never happy when I get a raise or a promotion? Why does me having a good day always result in a fight that ruins it?"

 

- "Why am I still here? Everything I am reading about a good relationship he is failing, despite his pretty words. I don't believe his pretty words anymore. I am drawing a line in the sand and I will take all the blame no more."

 

It didn't take him long to cross that line - I got heaps of abuse for DARING to make demands (only something like 1/100th of the demands he heaped on me!) or negotiate and I ended it the next day.

 

I still had a lot of garbage he poured into my ear to work out though. It took several months of counselling and "homework" before I could figure out what was real and what wasn't. I was in the same place as you a year ago, feeling rock bottom and like it was somehow my fault.

 

It wasn't your fault.

 

Have you thought about counselling to help you through the mess he left behind? I know I am very appreciative that I have my self-esteem at a good level these days and that I can hold my head high. Ironically, I am more emotionally healthy afterwards because I worked hard to get here, wheras before I was a low-esteem target.

 

At any rate, venting is good. Its good to let out the anger and pain. Bottling it makes it worse and it takes longer to heal. We're here. You can also feel free to PM me if you want to.

[GypsyGurl]

Aurian and Anon33 my ex was the same. I thought he was brilliant. Always telling me what I could do better to benefit him and always pointing out my faults. Aurian, your list of questions are so similiar to how I was feeling before my ex choked me. I was starting to doubt the proposal and why he wasnt being nice to me anymore. It was like the proposal was a sham to keep me around. The question about the crying, really hit home. I would always break down when he would start calling me names when we would fite and I would always break down when he would threaten to not talk to me for a few days until I came to my senses and realized why I made him like this. Its really uncanny how similar these abusers are, and it seems like the smarter ones are even worse. Screwing with your head so badly that you dont even know how to make descions on your own. I want to get back to that place where I lived for myself and never doubted myself....so badly...

 

Also, I agree...seeing a counsellor will help beyond belief. Too have a professional listen to you cry and tell you that your better than him helps alot...I just wish mine wasnt on vacation rite now.