xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 Hi everyone. In the office alone today, and the radio is being cruel, playing all songs that have something to do with my breakup lol. Some of you probably know my story by now, but if not, I've been trying to meet up with my ex [a casual, "u going to take me for a drive in your new car?"] so I can see for myself if he has really turned into the idiot that he seems to have, (I have only been talking to him online since I re-established contact a little over a month ago after 6 months of NC not being on speaking terms - but he has been the one initiating it) but having trouble as neither of us had each other's cell phone numbers. I gave him my number, the way Papillion suggested to me (saying I had to go, text me later if you want, left number and then signed off and didn't come back). Well he didn't text me, and it's been a couple of weeks. But I'm ok with that part. About a week after I gave him my number, I was online again, (I think it was wed/thurs last week) and so was he, I had been on for about 20 mins, and had come to the conclusion that he wasn't going to talk to me, and I might as well sign off and go to bed lol. Just as I was thinking that, he said hello to me, and a lengthy conversation followed. I hadn't mentioned meeting up again since the first time I ever brought it up, so I just said "so when are you going to take me for this drive?" expecting him to say "oh i don't know, I don't think I'll be able to" or some flimsy excuse, when in actual fact, he said "ummmm, when I get back from *town 6 hours drive away*?" He was leaving in the next couple of days, would be away for a week. (This week). I said "ok then" and he went on to say he had to work the next day and the day after, then that afternoon he was travelling to this town, so it would have to be when he got back. (He goes there for a week about every 5/6 weeks, its part of his job.) I said that was fine and told him to just text me one afternoon when he wasn't busy, to which he replied "yep, righto". His little sister, lets call her P and I got on quite well, and I have only seen her once briefly since the breakup, 6 months ago (been broken up for 8 months) so I thought I'd send her a text to let her know I hadn't forgotten her, that I was thinking of her and to see how school and things were going for her. I texted her on monday night, and haven't got a reply yet. Now this is someone who absolutely adored me. And I'm not saying that to be up myself lol. I used to stay in her room when I slept at my ex's place, as it was the only other bedroom and she has 2 beds in there. The second bed became "my" bed. My ex's mother wouldn't let anyone else sleep in it! lol. P is 14 now, was 13 when my ex and I were together. She adored me, she really did. The whole family did. My ex told me (when we were still together) one night P had done her hair a certain way, and she came into my ex's room and said to him "look, I straightened my hair like You're My Butterfly does!" when he told me that a few weeks after it happened, I nearly cried, it was so sweet of her, and she was such a cutie. It made me feel really good. So of course it made me feel quite the opposite when she didn't text me back. I know there could be a few different reasons why she hasn't (may not have the same number, may not have money on her phone, mother might have said "don't reply to that" -[my ex's mother has been less than friendly to me since we broke up, and he was the one that broke it off!] or it could be any number of reasons) but it hurt all the same. A lot. It sort of made me realise "wow it really is over, if P won't even talk to me!" Even though my ex and I are in contact again... So I've come to the conclusion that...its time. It's time to finally let go for good. I've tried to be nice, in my contact with the ex, when I see his parents, all the time really. I've tried to hold on to something that's long gone for almost 8 months now. I can't keep going through life unaware of what I'm missing, or the person I could be...I'm not doing this to myself anymore. It also made me realise that although I tried to let go properly before, I never did it, and I never really tried, because I was scared. I don't know what of...of letting go, of the future definitely without him in it, of quite possibly never seeing him again..I was scared. By holding on, it felt like i still had him somehow. I still had even just a little piece of what we used to have. I had his memory, and it was like he was still there. When I talked to him online, it was like nothing had changed, except we don't say, "bye, love you" when we sign off.. If I just held on, eventually he would come back, and everything would be ok again. When in reality, I was - as the saying goes - flogging a dead horse. I'm still scared. But this time, I'm ready. I don't expect him to text me when he gets back next week. I really don't. And part of not being able to let go, was I was confused about how to think about everything. After I heard about The Secret. When I first thought about trying to re-establish contact, I'd first think, "it's not going to work, he won't talk to me" then i'd think, "but you have to think positively or it won't happen...it will work, of course it will" so I went round and round in circles. Didn't want to bring any negativity. Does anyone know what I mean? About thinking positively even though it could be detrimental to healing? I'd think "he won't text me" [realistically] and then "hang on, think positively, yes he will" [hopeful]. But even though it's negative thinking, I know that realistically, he probably won't text me. And I probably actually prefer it that way, because if he did, I don't know that I'd have the strength to be able to cancel our "meet up". I have now realised, that by meeting up with him, this could be potentially disastorous (sp?) to my healing process. Once I got in the car with him, saw him up close again, and talked like old times, I know I wouldn't want to get out. I would keep holding on, and it would be that much harder to actually let go. (plus it would be really hard to get out of the car without kissing him goodbye lol). So I don't think I can do that to myself. I think the best thing for me right now is NC (it was SO much easier when we weren't on speaking terms - i almost kind of wish we still weren't!) and eventually I know I'll be able to release him fully, and not be constantly planning our next conversation, thinking up things to say to him, strategically placing topics in conversation that insinuate reconciliation... Man it's going to be hard. But I have come this far. I tried to fight. I tried to hold on. I did pretty much everything I could. (that "pretty much" is whats going to haunt me though I think...) How much longer am I going to keep touching the burning stove...No more. So here I am, finally, doing what I should have done 8 months ago. Cutting the cord. Wish me luck... Anyone's advice would be greatly appreciated. Tips, experiences, opinions, words of encouragement haha anything lol. I'm going to need all the support and help I can get. Thanks for reading. Sorry its so long, had to get it out one last time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeca Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 Your on one of the biggest hard points..youve come to realize okay..this isnt working right now..let me take a step back maybe he'll call and I want to be ready and be the best person I can be.. the key part in that sentence was for you to improve yourself and continue forward, try new things and new experiences truly find who "you" are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess... Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 Congrats on getting to that stage. As long as you will be ok if he doesn't call/text you should be fine. Cutting the cord...wish I had the strength Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Papillion Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 hey YMB, hugs to ya so sorry to hear he didnt text. stay positive, deep breath, and get yerself out there girl x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Papillion Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 jess that is such an awesome avatar. lol lol lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess... Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 jess that is such an awesome avatar. lol lol lol hahaha thanks papillion! I love it. I want it on a t-shirt too lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted August 8, 2007 Author Share Posted August 8, 2007 hey YMB, hugs to ya so sorry to hear he didnt text. stay positive, deep breath, and get yerself out there girl x Hi papillion thankyou. Trying really hard to be ok with it. I will get there eventually If he does eventually text, I don't know if I'd reply or not now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Papillion Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 Hi papillion thankyou. Trying really hard to be ok with it. I will get there eventually If he does eventually text, I don't know if I'd reply or not now you must do whatever feels right at the time hun. at least you gave it your best shot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted August 10, 2007 Author Share Posted August 10, 2007 you must do whatever feels right at the time hun. at least you gave it your best shot. Thanks papillion. Did I though? That's what I will forever keep wondering. Well I gave him my number, I suggested meeting up, I did pretty much all I could, I mean I can't force him to contact me. Just dissappointing I guess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p_fred Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Do you think he has missed you since the breakup? If you are to get back together I think he should be telling his family how much he misses you and they would all be hoping you call or text and working to re-establish friendly communication with you. Perhaps more NC is in order.. or you need to keep your heart open to someone new and move him and his family from the present in to the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Papillion Posted August 10, 2007 Share Posted August 10, 2007 Thanks papillion. Did I though? That's what I will forever keep wondering. Well I gave him my number, I suggested meeting up, I did pretty much all I could, I mean I can't force him to contact me. Just dissappointing I guess i know sweetie. very disappointing hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted August 11, 2007 Author Share Posted August 11, 2007 Do you think he has missed you since the breakup? If you are to get back together I think he should be telling his family how much he misses you and they would all be hoping you call or text and working to re-establish friendly communication with you. Perhaps more NC is in order.. or you need to keep your heart open to someone new and move him and his family from the present in to the past. To be honest, I wouldn't have a clue. In some ways I think, yes, he'd have to, we were so in love, how could he not miss me, even a tiny bit now and then...But in some ways, the "new" person he seems to have turned into, probably couldn't care less. But then he'll go and open up and say something which shows the old "Brett" is still in there, (which I have believed since the breakup...I know he's still in there somewhere, and I know I could get him to come back out if he'd just give me the chance) and sparks another little bit of hope in me if you know what I mean. After so long of hearing about how much alcohol he had at this party, and what he did at this blokes place, blah blah blah... the more I talked to him, the better it was for me, because the more I talked to him, the more my feelings started to fade. I saw more and more of a person I wouldn't want to be with, and was slowly losing all hope, realising that my baby had really changed into a dropkick loser who is only after one thing from women. (which is so far from how he used to be it's not funny. It's actually really scary) But then he'll go and say "nah seriously...." and something the old "brett" would have said comes out. And it makes me think. omg, he's still in there. Don't lose hope just yet... i know sweetie. very disappointing hugs. Thanks papillion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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