Seraching for answers..Never to find...

[Anon333]

Ive posted on here plenty..About my ex, about wondering why I always regret everything after it is too late...Most of my relationships have been this way...The thing is, everyone says some day you will meet that perosn you are comfortable with and it feels good with. I never had that...Im 27, and all my relationships feel like not just failures in themselves, but failures in MYself...I feel like I blew each and every one of them..All my ex's are either married, or in long term relationships, or at least dating other people....I feel like I cant even get close to someone..Yesterday I hung out with this guy, and he thought I was acting strange because I sat so far away from him on a couch and got freaked out about kissing him..I'm freaking 27 years old and get scared if someone even touches me in a normal affetcionate way...I dont think I have ever been molested or anything has ever happened to me...I feel like If I could let myself go and be myself, and not feel such anxiety and then shamefulness about being nervous and anxious, I could maybe have a normal life....I feel like the only way I open up and meet people is by drinking...And then when I hang out with them when Im not drinking, they like me, but get frustrated at how "weird" I act..My last boyfriend would try to be intimate and look at me in the eyes..And I couldnt even do that...But the sad thing, is after 6 months of him coaxing me and being frustrated at me, and me just feeling like a freak, he left me saying he was fed up with me not giving him sex, and acting like I dont like him...I hurt him and drove him nuts..but I couldnt bring myself to look at him in the eyes and ho,d his hand, or feel comfortable just doing sweet little affectionate gestures..I felt like it was always forced...I realized how stupid I was when it was too late..But I never acted that way on purpose..he thought I was the most difficult girlfriend he had ever had in all his life..and I just feel like this is what will happen the rest of my life....Ill always be stiff and awkward and horrible...Granted, by 6 months, I had warmed up a little bit..but I always felt nervous and doubtful....I hadnt even realized how mush a part of him was in me until he left me..And then he cut me down so hard, and married someone else a month later..It was only a six month relationship, but I feel like it is the epitomy of ALL my relationships and things are coming to a head.....Dont know what to do..I go to therapy...I'm always depressed..I have social anxiety and drink too much to relieve that...Thats how I meet my boyfriends..I know I am attractive, smart, down to earth person when I am comfortable and normal.....But I just cant seem to feel like I can have normal interactions with people lately..and all the things my ex said to me about how impossible I was and he would be surprised if I would ever have a healthy relationship considering how I act, has torn me to pieces..and now he is married, and I feel even worse.....Dont know what to be..i dont want to be alone or in dead end up and down relationships my whole life..and yet, I feel like that is all I know.....](*,)