Anon333 Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Hi..I think I might be a rare bird..But I am 27 and dont feel like I've ever met someone I fell head over heels for....I always end up falling into relationships, in which I date the person with doubts in my mind, and hoping the doubts will go away and feelings will grow...By the time the relationship ends (and usually in push and pull turmoil, of on and off) I am usually heartbroken and realize that I should not have pushed this person away with my doubts....I dont think this is a matter of finding the right person anymore....It takes me a LONG time to get over people after the breakup..They always move on before me and I am usually left feeling regretful and torn....And I do not have interest in anyone else....Everyone around me seems pretentious or fake..Not genuine enough for me...Usually I end up meeting someone at a bar half drunk and end up dating them...all the while still trying to get over my last relationship..Even if its been a year....Wanting the relationship to work, and yet being conscious of the relationships inevitable doom, thereforeeee sabotaging the relationship from the beginning..THis seems to be a cycle for me....Very rarely do I meet someone that I think is a genuine good down to earth person who I feel like I could be myself around and be happy with....What is wrong with me...I dont think this is common...But if anyone has ever felt this way can you please tell me? My last ex, I pushed away and didnt think it would work from the beginning..Six months into the relationship we were fighting and arguing...I tried to take a break, and he ended up marrying someone a month later...I have been heartbroken over this....I think moreso I cant figure out why I push these people away..I did it my last relationship as well.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angeliamce Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Okay-I am far from an expert on relationships, but I have been reading this book by the Gray the guy that wrote mars and venus called Mars and Venus on a date. There is basically a whole chapter on people like you- so, don't worry it a common thing. Gray says that after a woman and man is attracted to each other the next stage is uncertaintly for many. In this stage a girl/guy uses this fantasy image of the guy/girl wants to find problems with the girl/guy- or thinks there is something better out there. I know most people hate self- help books, but if you are like me sometimes relationships are a complete mystery. You mentioned it takes you a long time to get over the end of a relationship and then you follow a similar pattern of just hooking up w/ someone new that you porbably will end up breaking/fighting with- Gray says that one needs to have a healthy break-up to enter into a successful relationship. You end a relationship with a closed heart, because your mind is controlling you and taking over your heart from loving. You can love- the reason people are pushing you away may because they can feel your doubts about them. This would be a wonderful opportunity to end a relationship in a positive way, so you can prepare yourself for a rich, loving relationship. Think about the good things from this relationship- and believe you will end this pattern. This may not help you- but, for some reason reading about why things happen helps me. Wish you a good nght!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 26, 2007 Author Share Posted July 26, 2007 Hi..Thanks so much for the advice...I usually enter the relationships casually...Because I am still cautious from last relationships, and I don't want to feel needy or get completely engalphed in a new relationship...My last relationship..I tried really hard to maintain that level of freedom and independence I was just learning to have on my own...So when this "casual" relationship ended up getting more and more serious, the more trouble started and I pushed away...I dont think I was ever in a relationship where I looked at the person and thought "I could marry this person some day"...And because I didnt feel that way..I thought "it is innevitable we are going to break up"..But I also thought.."maybe if I give it more time I will start to feel that way"....But by that point I actually end up feeling less and less that way..But at the same time...I am so attached to the person (the thing I was afraid of and trying to avoid in the first place), that I end up extremely heart broken, and hurt when they find someone else....I know it is common as you say, for people to be uncertain in the beginning of relationships..But I thought that was when people are supposed to be in the "honeymoon" stage and have fun and enjoy eachother, and kinda throw caution into the wind and say "who knows what will happen"..Or "I love this person but Im gonna hold off saying it"...That is what normal people do right? I know it takes all types..But I envy those people who could feel so intensely i about someone inthe beginning, even if it ends up falling apart..I feel like I end up burning myself twice..Never enjoying a relationship and then being depressed and heartbroken when its over..Ugh...THank you for you input...Its good to know Im not a complete crazy lady...And it makes sense about feeling closure from the last relationship to start a healthy new one...But is it common to have closure..That usually comes with time and healing...And it takes me a long time to feel it..And it also takes me entering a new relationship to get over the last one completely...But I NEVER can date right away...Everyone always dates someone right after dating me...And I feel like it is because I was such a nightmare of a girlfriend pushing them away.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FuriousSam Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Did something happened to you when you were young that makes you... (I am walking on eggshells here) have a commitment complex? Besides tall, dark, and handsome... what are you looking for in your perfect man that you can see yourself marrying? Going to bars will generally not help you heal so you might want to consider doing something else to pass time. Just my 2 cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 26, 2007 Author Share Posted July 26, 2007 Hi Furious Sam....I question if something happened in my youth that makes me scared to connect with people...I seem to have intimacy issues, as well as being very shy...It takes me forever to get comfortable with someone where I naturally want to give them affection....I think everyone has traumatic times in their childhood though...So apart from moving to a different place when I was 9 and feeling neglected by my mom around that time, I dont think anything super traumatic happened....That I can remember...I think i get very attached to people I end up with because it does take a long time for me to open up and get used to that person....All the while having doubts about them though....When they leave, I guess I am left feeling like I will never connect or find anyone who I feel comfortable with...I dotn know....I guess what I am looking for in someone, is a person who accepts me for who I am...Moodiness, shyness and all....And someone who can make me laugh....Also someone I am attracted to..but that usually grows with time....I have a hard time being physically attracted to people right away..And that is another reason I have a hard time being intimate and sexual....Do I sound like a complete freak? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 26, 2007 Author Share Posted July 26, 2007 Sorry to move this to the top..But anyone who reads this..Would you say I have a psychological problem..Am I unhealthy? Or do you think that some people feel the way I do and sort through it when they meet the right one and learn from the past??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 Sagittarius..Thank you so much...I think I start to question myself and if I am too picky or have a psychological problem, because all my exes seem to go on to have fruitful relationships, and I was the one that let my doubts take over...And then when I see the relationship workingout, I wonder why I couldnt have done that, and then also the loneliness of being left behind and wishing I had been different..I guess I cant change how I feel when I am with someone...But what if I NEVER feel that spark, or that comfortable feeling...I dont feel like I am capable of that....And that is what is scary....Your post has really helped me look at the big picture though...I think I miss the relationship and having someone there, but the person probably wasnt the right one for me, and I knew it at the time..But when it is gone, the loss feels like I screwed everything up, and I regret it, and it is too late to go back....I know I just need to look ahead..Im trying to be okay with being alone..but it is hard when all my exes are in LTR or married.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 Hi sagittarius, Youve been such a sweetheart to respond to my posts...We are both around the same age, and I feel now, moreso than ever, I am starting to back and panic that I will continue to repeat history with these dead end relationships....I know love comes and goes, and that even for my ex's who may be blissfully in love right now (or not), that in time, they will have there own struggles and pain....Its not that I wish that upon them, its just that when I see how easy it is for them to find someone new, and "fall in love", it makes me feel defective...Like, "why couldnt I have been that person"..But I guess, if I was, I wouldnt have been really happy....Its hard not to regret things....I just worry that something is wrong with me, when it comes to intimacy and meeting people....It scares me, and it scares me I will never meet someone that I feel comfortable with, or who would be willing to put some effort in to be patient with me....I guess you are right, the bars arent the best place to meet a guy though....Just have to gain my confidence back is all I suppose..... Thank YOU again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarity Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Hi Anon, I don't know what kind of insight I can provide you, but my Ex was one who tended to "push away" at times. Like you, she wasn't doing it as a test, but it was just a natural reaction for her during times of uncertainty. It was difficult for me because I was quite the opposite personality; I pull people I care about close in times of uncertainty, which I'm sure has its own pitfalls. I think a big step is that you are cognizant of this behavior and that's first step to dealing with it. Being uncertain about a relationship is one thing and it's probably quite healthy at times, but subconsciously (or worse, consciously) pushing the SO away (perhaps in hopes that they will prove themselves even better than you pictured them, or because you don't feel worth of them, whatever the reasons may be) is never a productive thing and the "pusher" almost always ends up with feelings of remorse. I think you may lack open communication lines in your relationships. Do you talk about the reasons you are "pushing" with your SO's, or do you just "push"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 Clarity, here is what it comes down to..And it is a mystery to me whether I was completely wrong or right..But I have been feeling so guilty and feeling regretful for so long, I am starting to see the other point of view..Although I am sure I hurt my ex while we were together, just as your ex hurt you by "pulling away"....But I must say...I saw warning signs from my ex that scared me, and made it impossible for me to completely open my heart up and give my all....Mayeb it is a case of me being too cautious, maybe we were just two different people with different styles of getting to know someone in a relationship, like you and your ex..... See, my ex was very intense from day one, some people may have eaten this up and gone with it, and had a passionate loving relationship, but I was not feeling it this way...For me, it takes time to open up to someone, feel completely comfortable with sex, and suddenly having your life be hagning out with this person all the time..I was used to living alone, as I was out of a 2 year or so relationship 6 months prior, and felt I had finally gotten myself back....I made everything VERY clear to him..The only thing I may have done wrong, was in the first week, I tried to go with the flow and make out with him in public, wrap myself around him as soon as I saw him, and act lovey dovey....That was maybe the first week, and I thought we were having fun and getitng to know eachother..But he laid it on heavy saying he was falling in love with me, and wanting to be over my house all the time..Doing "sweet" things for me...That in all honesty, I didnt want him doing...I made it clear, i just wanted us to get to know eachother and enjoy eachother's company....If we were watching TV, if I wasnt receptive to him touching me or makiing out with me, he get defensive...If he looked me in the eye and tried to talk to me about what was going on in my head I felt nervous, and tried SO hard to look him in the eye and just say I needed to take things slow....When I didnt feel comfortabel with him going down on me, he seemed pissed..He started telling me I wasnt normal..I started snapping at him for the constant pushing on me, and he kept saying I as pulling away, and where is that person he was falling in love with..I just felt totally cornered.......I tried to tell him I felt like we were incompatible and I that mayeb it was jsut bad timing, and he told me he was sorry for pushing me so hard, and it just takes communication and he woulf back off....But it didnt seem to change much...When we got into fights, perhaps started by my moodiness, he would eventually explode, and make my self esteem so low, I knew this was not someone I could stay with..He would throw out how I was like a child, how immature I was, how unintelligent and selfish I was..He brought up my past relationships and said no wonder it didnt work....After those explosions and him putting me down and making me cry..It was really hard for me to feel that warm loving feleing, and feel good about making love with him or touching him affectionately...In his eyes....We should have been having make up sex afterwards, but it was hard for me to get past all that....I dotn know who was right or wrong..Im sorry to keep going on and on about this..I know this post is very long...But when I look back..I cant blame myself completely..We both drove eachother crazy..and he begged me to open up and keep trying, but it just made things harder and harder.....When finally I wanted to try and just be friends to make it work..He started dating someone else right away...and one month later, he married her..I wont get into the physical and verbal abuse he did to me AFTER the break up when I begged for him back..Thats a whole other story, and probably should make me glad I didnt stay with him.....But still I wonder if I wasnt opening up because my instincts said dont trust this person...Or if me not opening my heart up tot trust him may have avoided all the frustration and mean words he felt and said???? Sagitarrius, Thanks for reading my posts and being supportive..I think the longer I am away fromt he relationship and the more confidant and less lonely I feel, the more I know I can meet many other people as friends and possibly lovers that actually are a positive thing in my life, and maybe I will break this bad habit of on and off push pull relationships!! I will appreciate a guy who is patient and understanding of me and doesnt mind that it takes me awhile to get comfortable with someone....Hope it happens!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarity Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Anon, what was the general timecourse of that whole relationship you just described. I don't see much wrong with your actions, considering that things seemed to get hot and heavy (from his end) relatively quickly. My situation was much more drawn out. I was the one who took things slowly in terms of intimacy (our first kiss came after 2 months together!). However, her pushing away happened at various times in the relationship, even at it's ultimate demise, 7 years after it began. Your case seems much faster than that, so I don't know how relevant my input is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 Wow....Im sorry about your 7 year break up..Mine was only six months..But it was really intense, and I still feel down about it....Especially since, he tried so hard to make it work, told me he loved me and saw it working, and then found someone else a week later, and married her a month later....After which he told me he had mistaken his love for me with "concern", and pitied me for being so destructive in relatinships and being so lonely and regretful...He also cheated on his now wife with me, the first two weeks he was with her, and married her two weeks afterwards....He kept saying he was in love with ehr and how much better she was than me, and made me cry..and then he came back to me and said he wasnt in love with her...It was all a mess....as time goes on, I should be happy he is gone...He did treat me like gold when we were first together..But I really didnt want him to...He was also know to have slept with many of the girls in town...and drop them very fast....So I guess maybe it was my instincts that were right,..Even though I cant help but to see that I pushed him away and hurt him, and could have been the one to have loved him and taken care of him..But I guess he found that in his wife now.....If it works for them, I guess thats good..but I have a feeling his verbal abuse may come out down the road..It is hard to erase from ones head no matter how much they apologize afterwards... As for your girlfriend pushing away...Did you do anything that may have pushed her away in he slightest? Sometimes one little thing someone does can create doubts that start to magnify over time....Im really sorry about your break up...I think it is very sweet you took things so slow and got to know your girlfriend...My ex and I slept to gether right away (my fault((alcohol))..and then I guess he expected me to just be a super star in bed..When in reality, I just wanted to get comfortable with him.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarity Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 The guy you're with doesn't sound so great now that he is re-writing history in that he was head over heels with you and now pities you?! Good riddance, I say. I could never claim to be the perfect boyfriend and I'm sure at times I supplied my GF with many reasons to push me away, but I appreciated the times that she recognized what she was doing and talked about it with me instead of just putting up a wall, hurting me. The question from sagittarius (?) was very on point, IMHO, because my GF did have some troubling incidents in her childhood (abuse) that seemed to be the root of her pushing away issues. Regardless of the cause, it still hurts when someone you've been with for so long, worked so hard to make happy, and want nothing but to be with, can still make you feel unwanted. I don't want to portray her so negatively as this topic might, because, as I mentioned, I had my faults too. We are still close friends, we are just not together, or get married as we were supposed to this summer, but that is for the best is what I have come to realize. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 Clarity..Yes..The guy I was with I think wanted to be with me and said he "loved" me because he didnt want be left behind..I just felt like I couldnt give him what he wanted..But he constantly said he loved me and wanted it to work out..As soon as he found someone else..He said that I had pushed him away a long time ago, and his feelings had changed whe I had first said I didnt think it was working..I wish he had accepted that and walked away earlier..As I wish I had...After he found someone else..He blamed me for everything and told me his feelings were more concern and pity...It really hurt..He said a million other hurtful things...I am relaizing more and more he was not meant for me..And we probably would have been miserable together..I question how good of a person he is for the way he hurt me afterwards.... Clarity, it sounds like you are handling your break up well...I know you must be hurting still though..How long have you two been broken up? They say in marriage after being 7 years, people start to get the 7 year itch..Maybe your gurlfriend started feeling that? DOesnt make it anymore comforting..When I asked if you did something that pushed her away...I just meant something small but big in the realm of the relationship...I know in one of my relationships a couple years ago...My boyfriend at the time avoided talking to me at a party, and then just wanted me to drop him off at home afterwards....WHen I confronted him on it he got weirded out and didnt talk to me for a week....Finally he apologized and came back to me...But after that I always questioned the relationship...Similar thing happens if someone cheats....Something hurtful like that...If you didnt do any of those things than you should not feel bad about anything you did...You gave her your love, and she backed out....I cant imagine being in a 7 year relationship and going through that...My longest relationship was probably 2 and a half years on and of...They never seem solid...That is why I worry...But I guess my last two relationships werent meant to be..As my boyfriend before this one, is a cheater...And this last one I am starting to see the light, was not such a winner after all....I guess I am just lonely... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarity Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 In terms of loneliness, you and me both, Anon I think you are doing good in terms of seeing your Ex for what he really is now. In 6 months, you guys were still in the honeymoon period for the majority of the relationship, so I can't give him much credit in making you happy (or vice versa). However, as you said, his actions after the relationship ended speak louder than anything he did during it. We broke up about 6 months ago. You might be right about the 7-year itch, although she's not seeing anyone else either. One thing that did start the beginning of the end for us was when she started to reconnect with her old girlfriends. She went on a trip with them and when she came back she told me (we were engaged at the time) that she wanted to postpone getting married, so we could "figure things out", because she wasn't so sure about things. I thought it was cold feet, but she said there were certain things about me that needed to change. She said I wasn't outgoing or "fun" enough and needed to work on that. I know I'm not the most outgoing guy, but after 6.5 years together, that was a hurtful shock. I tried pretty hard to show her I could be outgoing, but in truth it was unnatural for me. I'm a quiet guy at heart, although I'm very socially able, I just usually prefer cuddling on the couch to dancing in a club, if you know what I mean. At the same time, my trust in her was shattered when she didn't want to get married anymore (something that she had pushed me into in the first place and I was finally warming up to the idea). Honestly, deep down, I feel as if she may have lost some attraction for me, and when she was out partying with her friends, this was highlighted to her. The ironic thing is that after we broke up, as a coping mechanism, I started going to the gym a lot. I lost a ton of weight and for the first time in my life (after 6 months of hard work), I feel really good about the way I look and am getting quite a bit of attention from the opposite sex when I used to get none. I can't honestly tell if she's jealous and wishes we had stayed together, she's good at keeping her emotions to herself, but to be honest, sometimes I hope that she does feel that way. I don't have any strong ill feelings towards her, in fact, I still care for her deeply, we're just not in love anymore, but still, when I think of some of the things that happens, if she now realizes she gave up a good thing, I could relish that a little bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 Clarity..I think I posted on this sight confused about myself because I was supposed to be in the "honeymoon" period with him...But I just couldnt seem to open up enough, be affectionate and sexual and fun with him...I just felt like he pushed me...But when I looked back..I regretted being so cold to him...But now I am starting to think maybe it was just my instincts telling me he was too abrasive and pushy for me...I dont know..... As for your situation..SOunds like you two are still in contact? Or did you go for awhile with no contact? I think your girfriend was a little unfair if her going out and having fun with her girlfriends was the reason to rethink the relationship...Especially if she was the one who was pressuring you for marriage...She knew you were not the party dancing type..So for her to want you to "change" is her own insecurity...She could have just as easily had a scheduled girls night out with her friends where she was able to let loose and have fun, instead of expecting you to mold into her sudden "ideal" boyfriend...Im happy you have gotten to the point of friendship with her...Even at 6 months it can be hard to fight those feelings as friends...But it sounds like you are being strong, and thinking with your head now, a little less than your emotions..Thank you for responding to my post...I guess I need time as well to sort things out...I know I did a lot of things wrong in the relationship...And I dont want to paint my ex as this horrible guy...But in reality..The more I look at things rationally, he was the one calling me selfish and impossible the whole time, and when the relarionship ended he lashed out in unbelievably hurtful ways...Even when we were together, he could be so unbelievably sweet, but then he could be so unbearably mean..He took alot of my self esteem away, and I cant help but to resent him for that..But I know I will only grow and become stronger from this.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarity Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 It sounds like were both following the same (good) path. I agree that I can paint a pretty bad picture of my Ex, but she is still a wonderful person who I care for a lot, just as your Ex seems like a bad guy to me, but as you said, you have fond memories of him. Yes, my Ex and I are in touch regularly, completely as friends, no mistaking that as we are both working hard to make the friendship work. I don't think (and hope I'm right) that either of us are interested in getting back together, although sometimes she makes little comments, wondering where we went wrong, etc., but I'm not sure how to interpret those and quickly try to change the subject, as I'm not interested in getting back together and do not want to lead her on or hurt her. I'm glad to hear your belief and willpower to turn this into a positive experience for you. Talking about our feelings on here helps us sort these complicated emotional messes out. It always helps to have somebody outside of the situation provide some rational input. Thanks for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.