Some thoughts...

[hazeleyed]

So its Tuesday night again and July 18th and I sit here feeling like nothing really has moved forward since last week. I feel as if I am stuck in the same position I was a few weeks ago. Am I healing? Am I hurting? Am I weak? I am not really sure because I dont know what I am expecting. September is fast approaching and I will be goin gback to the same building that I remember as hurtful and painful. The same people who backstabbed me and decieved me. The same enviornment full of anger, jealousy and pain. So now my question to myself is how do I get out of my last year alive...and not just alive but with a good GPA and an acceptance from a law school. I think my biggest accomplishment will be to get one and show people who never believed in me that I did it.

 

But the question is how if some nights I cant stop feeling so down and hurt over everything. TO be honest I dont even know if its hurt I feel or just lonliness and sadness over everything? I remember my relationship with my ex and how abusive it was..and how I dont want to be there because everytime I think about how it would be ....I know the answer. I really do! But I am scared because I dont want to go back in September and fall into the same hole again. The only difference is he no longer goes to that school because he is kicked out unless he lies to his parents again...God knows , he is unprediictable...he leaves me text msgs these days asking me how the new guys are and how if i am being pleased by soemone else that is why i am not contacting him? I am just amazed because at times I am strong and it wont bug me but then there are htose nights where he just gts under my skin. I try not to even bother reading what he says but I am only human.

 

To be honest I am feeling much stronger but the work on me is slowed down because I have become lazy. I dont feel the same energy I felt years ago when i first broke up with him. i feel like whats the point? I feel like a failure at times but I need to pick myself up....I need to listen to music that gets me up and not down again and again...and most of all I need to remember how bad it was to be with him and his friends...how I messed up my essays and how many times I had to beg my professors for extensions...I need to remember how no one was there for me when I was down in the gutter ....I need to remmeber that just like good times last a bit , this bad time will pass too.

 

Will something ever good come my way again or will I just be alone? To be honest at school I think to myself how come all the good guys are taken..then I think u know what even if he wasnt taken I would not be ready to be with a complete guy because I am so hurt deep down inside, there is so much wrong with me that no one would want to be with me...i have so much to learn and so much healing to do that no one would want to put up with that....its not my time to find anyone because ineed to find myself.

 

Happiness....thats what I want...but wherever I look all i see and feel is emptyness and lonliness and the tears that drop down my face. Whenever I think about everything I freeze...I dont know how to get back up...I dont need anything , i need to pray and i need to be okay with myself. There are a lot of messed up people in this world and these are amazing lessons for me. I will be okay....I will be fine.....I am strong and God walks beside me......

[Hiryuu]

It's nice to see you came to the realisation (a lot sooner than I did!) that in fact, it was a wonderful life lesson, and that no matter how bad it may have been, I would do it all again, as there is no other way I could have improved / learned the things I did. I don't know if you feel that way or not.

 

I hope that the drive for reaching law school will in some way motivate you to achieve what you want. Change really is an amazing thing. You may not even have to wait a year for it to happen, but don't rush it in any case.

 

As for a song, I'll suggest "Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse", have a look for it on youtube. It's all about change.

 

Look after yourself.