Anon333 Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 I'll make this short...I already know to stay away and heal from my ex..But I cant help being totally perplexed and still hurt by everything....My ex and I of six months had a tumultuous relationship, in which he started off very intense, and I wasnt used to...I ended up pushing him away out of anxiety and perhaps my own intimacy issues...He tried desperately to make it work, when finally I asked for a little space so we can try to work it out, he jumped into a new relationship within the blink of an eye..I was very hurt, and the more I expressed it to him, the more I seemed to push him into the other woman's arms....At that point, everything turned around on me...He was bitter and angry at me, shoving his new found love in my face, and saying this is the girl for him..How much better she was... Long story short...A few times in the beginning he ran back to me and ended up sleeping with me...She found out, and a week later he was married to her....He has posts on myspace and face book saying how she is his everything, that he is so unbelievably in love with her it makes him delusional....I tried to do no contact with him, but he emailed me saying he still wanted to be friends....I told him it was hard beause I still had feelings for him and I cant be his friend now...And how I wish he had wanted to make it work with me, but now it is all too late....He wrote me back angry emails, saying he hopes some day I find the true real love he has found, and that words dont describe how amazing his new love is..And that you just "know" when it is right and what we had was nothing.... Okay..This is getting longer than I thought....When he wrote me these emails..I kinda snapped (I had been trying so hard to be caring and understanding of him, and blaming everything on myself)....I wrote him one last nasty email for him to stay out of my life, or I would tell his wife he is contacting me.....That I never want to hear from him again..and that anyone with common sense or decency would not shove their new love in the face of an ex who is clearly hurt and still has feelings for them....(he married her about a month after I broke up with him)...I have not read any more of his emails..Even though he entitled them "please read this email Im so sorry Im a jerk"..The other night he called and left a voice mail saying he was sorry he hurt me...and that he was drunk and angry I didnt want to be his friend when he sent those emails, Im guessing that is the end of hearing from him, and he just needed to say that......The last twist on this is his wife is out of state right now, and he is moving to the state with her in a week or so....So for now, he is saying goodbye to old friends and missing his wife....So Im sure the unhealthy part of him wants to put all bad things aside between me and him so he can move on to live happily ever after with his wafe (you think?)....Or something...Just all very strange to me...I am anxious for him to leave so I can finally breath...I really wanted to put things behind me and wish him the best..But I still am hurt and have feelings for him...So I dont plan on talking to him or reading any of his emails for a long long time...I really think he wanted to remain friends with me for his own ego boost..But isnt it strange he would try so hard and be so bitter, when he knows his wife wouldnt even want him talking to me (which he even wrote in one email)..Sorry this is so long..DOes anyone have any clue what is going on in his mind? I am trying so hard to get over the hurt...I cant help but to hope the amazing indescribable love he feels for his wife will die away and he will be left to face some realities....But I dunno...Over time I suppose I will wish him the best..ust cant help but to feel left in the gutter... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 Hi and welcome to eNotAlone. Other than him saying so, do you have any evidence that he really is married, or even that this other woman exists? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 welcome to enotalone. sorry to hear of the breakup, but it sounds like it was a rollercoaster relationship and probably not good for you. I assume you pushed him away for what was at the time a good reason? maybe you weren't ready for the relationship either. I guess he was trying to shove it in your face, because you hurt his ego when you broke up with him. I would say, since he is married, you need to back off completely and not be worried what he is thinking. now that he is married, he should be channeling his energy into his wife, not on his exgfs. I have no idea what is going on in his mind, I can't relate to such a person. However, I don't see how anything he can say to you at this point can make you feel good or happy or positive. even if he tells you that losing you was the biggest mistake of his life, well, he's a newly married man! shouldn't be talking to you like that! anyway, stop looking at his myspace or websites or emails. pretend that he has already left the country, and focus on you right now. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 15, 2007 Author Share Posted July 15, 2007 Thanks for the fast responses....I dont think in anyway he thinks it is a mistake in losing me..In fact he thinks that the fact he found his new wife and that we broke up was wonderful...He is in honeymoon bliss right now..But probably going a bit nuts without her..I agree that now that he is married, anything he says at all, good or bad, will only hurt me...I have made up my mind not to have anything to do with him..and I dont look at his myspace page anymore..and a friend of mine told me about the facebook page being all lovey dovey pukey....I have backed off completely, but he seemed to aggressively persue my friendship and then get mad that I rejected it...WHich to me is very odd..I think maybe he just needs a constant ego boost from anyone possible, including his ex's....Ugh...It really upsets me he married so fast and feels like I was nothing compared to this new amazing"real" love he has..I had so many regrets that I expressed to him about how I acted in the relationship...But he just ate them up and used it to fuel his new relationship..ugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 15, 2007 Author Share Posted July 15, 2007 DN, he is for sure married..even a picture of him and his new wife holding the marriage license together at city hall with a big cheesy smile on their faces (puke).. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 Then your best bet is to tell him you don't want to hear from him again and cut him out of your life - and your heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 15, 2007 Author Share Posted July 15, 2007 yes..Thanks...I have told him that I dont want to ever hear from him again..He left that message saying he was sorry....So now all I need to concentrate on is cutting him out of my heart....But it is harder than I thought. ...I hope some day I can be friends with him..But I dont know if it is possible..Thank you for your advice again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 friends? If you were a newlywed, would you want your husband being 'friends' with his ex that he only had a 6 month rollercoaster relationship with? probably not!! I'd stay away from this situation altogether. plenty of other people you can be friends with, ones that come with a lot less baggage and drama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 That is one very rashly married and unhappy man. Do you REALLY think this man is blissfully in love with his new wife? No, this man doesn't love himself...he is too busy seeking approval and trying desperately for a relationship...any relationship. Look at his pattern...he was too intense with you at the beginning, when you wanted to take it slow, he immediately jumped into a new relationship and got married right away (a stable man doesn't do that). Not only that, he was in your face about it.....promoting this as the love of his life blah blah and in the meantime trying to maintain contact with you. A man who is blissfully in love does not try as hard as he did to maintain contact with you...does not shove his supposed new found love in your face. He is trying to make you jealous and hurt over what you lost. This man will wake up one day and realize he made such a huge mistake. This man is so desperate for someone he is acting very rashly. I don't believe for a second that he is madly in love with his wife...otherwise he wouldn't be doing the things he is doing. He is completely over the top. Don't be surprised if this sham of a marriage implodes. It was built on a lie and all of his actions are to get back at you. I think he does have feelings for you and that is why he is acting out the way he is. He is emotionally messed up and that is why he behaved so rashly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 Sorry if I am blunt. Cut him off. Don't listen to a g-d thing he says. As far as him and his wife, his life, his gab: Whatever You know what? It just doesn't matter. And I speak as someone whose ex is on his way to the aisle. Time to start thinking of you and your life. As for him, Whatever! Honestly. Is it easy to work out what is going on in your heart? No. Feelings don't die instantly. There are a lot of questions. There's grief, anger, confusion. Just hold on to the fact that nothing that he does, that has happened or will happen, can cut away from who you are unless you allow it. Some people in this world are simply totally involved. He sounds like that at least right now. Me me me me me. Remember that. It helps. It's not about you. Block him from email or change your address. Do it with phone too, if you must. The dude is married. It's self preservation. You're worth it. Also a big hug your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 If you want to be friends with him, give him some time and space for him to get used to his new marriage and him without you in his life. Then approach him a ways down the road when feelings have cooled and cooler heads prevail. Don't do it now. You're too emotionally charged and involved in this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 15, 2007 Author Share Posted July 15, 2007 I agree with everything all of you have said..My head has started to stop the constant racing, but it is still going at a steady pace....I know right now is NOT a good time for me or him to talk or be friends...I agree with crazyaboutdogs that he is in an emotionally messed up place right now..I think he is euphoric in love, which can cause craziness, but I also think his feelings of love are of him being validated and getting approval and what he needs from another person..Something he didnt get from our relationship..He made it clear in his last mean email, that even if he didnt get married, he NEVER would have been with me again..That I wasnt intellectually on his same level, and that the feelings he had for me were more caring and "concern"...And that now he pities me, for not ever having the "real" mind blowing love he has now...I hope you can all imagine how unbelievably hurt and then angry I was..I finally gave him a piece of my mind and didnt care what he thought,...ANd yet he writes he still cares for me and wants to be my friend? Even though his wife wouldnt want it....I told him in time I would be his friend, and he is just like "but Im moving away in a month"..???? WHy does he need to not give me time and space, and be friends now..while his wife is out of town?Makes me want to scream... It's all grand..I know you are right..All I seem to do is look up statistics of failed marriages and try to find research on weddings that happen too soon, on impulsive people..Trying to find something that will assure me the marriage will fail...In reality, no matter how unstable he is, he has the potential to have a long and happy marriage, with the typical bumps here and there..And perhaps he met the woman he was meant to live his life with...I cant keep thinkin the marriage will fail and he will come running back to me and fix all the damage that has been said and done..I have to do that on my own... I do think I will get over an accept it all by the time the end of the year rolls around..He will be concentrating on school and his marriage in another state, and I will be moving cross country the end of the year to a positive environment with my sister....Imhope by then, or a year from now, I could drop a quic line to say hello...I have a hard time with the idea of being close to someone and never talking to them again...all my ex's I talk to once in awhile...But right now, if I were to be friends..It would cause nothing but pain.....Im so hurt by everything right niw..ANd have been driving myself crazy trying to figure him and his marriage out...I feel like I have done nothing but blame myself and feel lousy about myself for so much..and he seemed to prolong that with all his nasty emails...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 15, 2007 Author Share Posted July 15, 2007 My last email was so angry and mean and said for him to never contact me again..He apologized numerous times...SHould I just let it go..Or should I send a quick note saying it is okay and that we just need a long time apart for things to clear if we ever want to be real friends..and that I wish him best...Or should I just let those mean words be my last words to him? Its kind of unsettling... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 send him a quick note so he knows what's going on. Then let it go for now (I know, it's not easy) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 You are trying to 'figure out' his marriage as if it were logical and it makes sense, but this guy sounds like a rather large infant who just rushes from person to person and thing to thing based on his particular thought of the moment. he almost sounds a bit mental and at a minimum VERY confused and infantile. you should be very glad you didn't marry him or get serious, becuase would you want your husband contacting his ex girlfriend he had broken up with just recently, right after the wedding? he is very self centered and wants the world to revolve around him, and to keep all his toys (YOU!) handy if he's in the mood to play with them. please don't try to be 'mature' or figure out someone who is this childish with no forethought to what he is doing or the consequences of it. consider yourself lucky he is gone, and let it go. you need to find a real adult for a real relationship, not someone who behaves this erratically and immaturely. you don't owe him anything, he leaped off onto another woman the second you didn't meet his big baby needs, so let him stay there, and get yourself free from him. don't respond, move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 15, 2007 Author Share Posted July 15, 2007 Thank you both....I think I will leave things as they are and not write him a quick note, however tempting it may be..Unless he tries to apologize again or contact me..Ill quickly tell him to leave me alone and I cant talk to him, nor should he talk to me...Thank you rennaisancewoman for the advice...I think down the road when I could care less if he is married or not, I will be happy to be a casual friend....But be strong, you are right in that he is selfish to want that security and approval from his ex, while he just got married....The fact that I said it was too soon for me to be friends with him and he belittled me for it, proves his intentions were purely selfish...I cant figure him out..Or his marriage...I do believe he is in some time of euphoric manic state, if you want to call it love, in which he feels like part of himself is now whole, since meeting this girl...I felt like he needed that from me in the relationship..I admit I was often cold and distant from him and hurt him more than I realized at the time...But perhaps I sensed all the neediness in him, and knew I didnt have it in me to fulfill this...I suspect his new wife has this same need he feels, and they fit together in this way..It will prolly end up being a codependant relationship..Perhaps they will work through it and make it..But I cant dwell on that stuff..Its really hard to concentrate on myself and feel good about myself rightn now...But i am making progress..the longer I go not contacting him or hearing from him helps....Thank you bestrong..I know I need to stop figuring him out and figure out myself.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 Anon333, I hope everything works out for you. This is a good place to vent your feelings and have people listen to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 15, 2007 Author Share Posted July 15, 2007 Thank you so much...I think time patience, and getting through those lonely hard times, will put me to a better place...And your advice and kind words have surely helped a lot..Thank You..! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 A man euphorically in love with someone else does not run after a recent ex and say and do the things he did. This is a man who is hurting tremendously and trying to find bandaids to ease the pain...impulsive marriage, over the top salesmanship on how happy he is in the marriage...lashing out at the recent ex who he felt hurt by etc. Even if this marriage lasts, it won't be a happy one because he is not happy within himself. I know plenty of people who married impulsively or embarked on a marriage of convenience. There were problems in the marriage within the first year. In one, the couple separated within the first year, got back together and spent the next 6 years fighting, going to counselling, separating, having children who are now messed up and finally, after about 7 years of h-ll they are now embroiled in a nasty divorce and custody battle that has been going on for 3 years. Your ex is not stable and I don't see that marriage working out. You said that you were distant and cold during the relationship...I wonder if that is why he was needy...the more distant and cold one person is, the needier the other person becomes. In all fairness to your ex, it does indeed sound like you hurt him pretty badly and he ended up trying to get even with you by showing you that he could easily find someone else. In the long run he is hurting himself...and over time he will see that. I don't really know the dynamics of your relationship, but you have acknowledged your role in this. Your ex is hurting big time and doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with it in a mature and rational way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Share Posted July 16, 2007 Crazyabout dogs..Im not familiar with impulse marrieges..I know some people meet and fall in love and know it is right within the first few weeks of knowing eachother..It is difficult for me to understand whether this is what has happened..If the relationships demise was all my fault for being cold and distant, than I do believe maybe he just found a girl who loves him and he loves back..If the reason I was distant was because I sensed his intensity was not quite real, even if he felt it, and I wanted to take it slower, than perhaps his relationship feels totally intense and like he's in love, but will pan out to be a struggle as the euphoria wears of..??maybe...I really dont know....It is really difficult to say who was at fault..I completely see my intimacy issues and coldness playing a part..But in all the people I have ever dated, I never felt that rushed for it to be carefree natural and loving right away...It takes time for me to get comfortable and get to know someone..I guess he felt that way right away with his wife...he said he bonds with her on an intellectual level and they know how to communicate and sort out issues they have....So I cant help but to think they must have some common bond that could last..It is all driving me crazy to think about...But I do agree that if I ever marrid him, I would not like to think he was talking to his ex..But then again..I would not marry someone that fast no matter how in love I felt..But I guess thats where me and him differ and wherehis girlfriend fills that passionate romantic roll....I dunno...I feel really depressed about it all..thank you for your input crazyabout dogs..it helps to know someone who has seen impulse marriages..Ive tried to be honest and tell you everything as objectively as possible... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 From everything you wrote about how he has behaved, his marriage is a house of cards...he rushes too quickly into relationships...he tried that with you and then when it didn't work with you, he found a woman just as emotionally needy as him. That doesn't mean it is love, that is neediness and insecurity. He kept running back to you even after being with her...someone who is blissfully in love just doesn't do that. If he was so blissfully in love, he wouldn't even have time to think of you, let alone contact you or sleep with you. How long that marriage will last is anybody's guess, but he is not in a healthy emotional place right now and one day he will be kicking himself for his rash decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Share Posted July 16, 2007 thanks crazyaboutdogs....I guess even if he feels in love, and they are both fulfilling eachothers needs and it seems blissful right now...There will come a time when he realizes he still has to face his issues and love doesnt cure all his needs forever....I think this is true..I mean..Right now I could sure go for some love and comfort right now..Perhaps I'd feel almost normal...Someone who thinks Im great and takes away all my pain..But I know that at the end of the day, I onlu have myself to face, no matter how good it feels to be wrapped up in someone elses arms..ANd the other difference is that I cannot jump into a new relationship like that...But he says out of all his girlfriends (and he has had A LOT) he has never felt the way he has with his now wife...how dreamy..(puke)....I just hope I dont hear from him for a long time..because anything he says will not matter in the least now that he is married...Im sure if his marriage doesnt last..I will be over him by then..But right now..I cant help but to feel it is all a tragedy......crazyaboutdogs..Your input and advice has been tremendously helpful...I truly appreciate your input...I think knowing I am not 100% at fault helps me heal...And some days I cant help but to feel so low about myself and blame myself for everything...But I think that is because he is so happily married and voiced how it was all my fault and he finally found something "real"..That is really hard for a person to process..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 But I think that is because he is so happily married and voiced how it was all my fault and he finally found something "real"..That is really hard for a person to process..... You keep assuming he is happily married just because he keeps making a point of telling you this...appearances are deceiving...very insecure people cover up their problems and feelings by doing and saying the opposite of how they really feel. The mere fact that he has to insist on how happy he is and how you are such a miserable retch is indicative that what he is saying does not match how he is feeling. Do not always take words at face value...the angrier a person, the more hurt they are. A happily married person simply does not act the way he is acting. Read the lyrics to this song: Song: The Tracks Of My Tears Lyrics People say I'm the life of the party Because I tell a joke or two Although I might be laughing loud and hearty Deep inside I'm blue So take a good look at my face You'll see my smile looks out of place If you look closer, it's easy to trace The tracks of my tears.. I need you, need you Since you left me if you see me with another girl Seeming like I'm having fun Although she may be cute She's just a substitute Because you're the permanent one.. So take a good look at my face You'll see my smile looks out of place If you look closer, it's easy to trace The tracks of my tears.. I need you, need you Outside I'm masquerading Inside my hope is fading Just a clown oh yeah Since you put me down My smile is my make up I wear since my break up with you.. So take a good look at my face You'll see my smile looks out of place If you look closer, it's easy to trace The tracks of my tears Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Share Posted July 16, 2007 Yes...I suppose if he was blissfully in love, he would wish me the best and say he was sorry about the way things ended and not even look back..But I cant help to think that even if I was in love this soon, I'd want him in my life as well..because you cant just erase someone..I just wouldnt have gone about it the way he did....I think he will be a mystery for a very long time...I do think he is the honeymoon stage right now...and is maybe in infatuation or something from this girl..It will be up to them to make it work now that they are married..I just dont think it was realistic that he got married so soon without getting to know her better...But maybe you can feel like you know someone right away...I hear people say that..so it is hard to completely dismiss...I know underneath whatever love he is feeling now..Is the same confused needy person he is....And I know that the feelings I have right now of neediness and confusion are being worked through and processed so I will be a better person..I just dont see him growing from this, and it hurting him in the future..I have to try to focus on myself though...Thanks so much again crazyabout dogs, for going out of your way to respond to me...It is really a kind of solace within my own painful healing process... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 Yes...I suppose if he was blissfully in love, he would wish me the best and say he was sorry about the way things ended and not even look back. no, you're still missing the point! if he were that blissfully in love, he'd be too busy having wild monkey sex with the new Mrs. to have enough time to log onto his computer and send you an e-mail. the faster you forget this guy, the better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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