How do I get to him...

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Hi guys. Quick background. Dumped in december, NC since jan, only recently started talking to my ex again (only online so far). I do want him back, but the more I talk to him, the less likely it looks like it might happen (which i think is his intention).

 

He 'seems' to have changed a great deal, well, into a complete stranger actually. He is the opposite of who/what he used to be, always telling me he saw such and such out the other night, had a great yarn to them, went here, went there, drank this...etc. etc. etc. He was a mummys boy when we were together, he hated parties, didn't drink, was extremely shy, and was a nice, sensible, respectable guy. A very family orientated guy, his family were very close knit and I loved that about him. Not many guys I meet are that close to their parents, and protective of their sister. Now, I hate to say it, but he 'seems' to have turned into a pub crawling, drunk, dropkick, idiot of a guy, and I KNOW that is not who he is. Its so sad to see him trying so hard to be something he's not. And I think it is mainly for my benefit. (its like hes trying to say "I am different now") I think that its who he wants me to think he is.

 

I don't see any need to tell him where i go, and who i talk to, and what i do, etc, so I'm not sure why he thinks I need to know what he gets up to. (I don't really want to know to be honest). But tonight when I was talking to him, I saw a glimpse of the old Brett. The nice guy. The respectable guy. I know he's still in there somewhere, and I know I could bring him back if he would just give us a second chance.... I will be fine if we dont get back together, I just need to find out, so I can stop the endless wondering.

 

Some days I think about how/when to ask him, etc.. so much that I feel like picking up the phone and just saying "do you think we could try again" (he hasn't given me his number though). This has happened several times now, and I have been very close to blurting it out online also. The tension just builds up and I can no longer stand it. It would be disastorous (sp?) if I were to do this though, as we have only recently become friends again, and neither of us have brought up the relationship, and he has no idea what i'm busting to ask him.

 

I guess my question is, how do I deal with this, and if need be, how do I ask him, or do i at all...It's so frustrating to sit back and watch him act like a tool, bragging about 'drinkin at the pubs every weekend', thinking it makes him sound cool, when in reality it makes him sound like an alcoholic bum who has nothing better to do of a weekend than go to the pubs and get smashed.

 

I have nothing against people who do this, or act like he is acting, its just that its not him. Its really not. And if his parents heard about how he was talking/acting they would be quite upset I would think. Thanks for reading, and sorry its long!

[CrapAtNC]

Invite him out on a short 'non-date' first. Just a coffee, or ice cream, or lunch somewhere. Relax. Be yourself. Don't mention the relationship. Have fun. Leave on a good note - early if need be.

 

Then build from there. I wouldn't dive straight in with the question. When you've been on a few more dates (real dates), wait until a good moment during the date - when you're both laughing or reminiscing happily - and mention how good you two were together. Make it a question: "We were good together, weren't we?" If you get a yes, suggest getting back together, then say nothing.

 

Good luck!

[Beec]

I would not ask the questions ever, and I would wait to bring up you as a couple until such time as he is basically busitng moves on you.

 

The first step one takes in seducing someone is to make an indirect approach. He should not know you have any interest.

 

Why is this so not him? Sorry, I've done some of those things he is now, and I still tried to be the protective brother and close to my parents. More importantly, do not think he will change jsut because you are toghether. Indeed, if you were smart, there should be times with any man you are with when you encourage him to go out and have fun, and do whatever, within a few limits.

 

I read a story a few years ago, written by a guy who knew when he wanted to marry his wife. At the time, he was on a beach on a surfing trip with his buddies. She was back in the Mid-West. He knew she was right in part because she told him to go. One of his friends mentioned it and she said that her guy should go without any prompting.

[Mavis VDSande]

I agree - I mean he hasn't given you his number and you've been talking online for how long now?

 

I think he prob knows that you like him and want to try again but he wants to keep some distance because he can prob feel that you're about to pop the qns anytime soon. Just reading your post I feel the pressure already!!!

 

As for his changing - you can be an outgoing popular guy but still be loving to your family. He's changing that's fine - he has a right to. You can't expect that the old fella you knew him to be will come back or is what he really is. In fact - how do you know that he's pretending to be someone he's not? It's up to him how he lives his life.

 

Also as Beec said, I wouldn't make any moves until he's busting moves first. He ended the rels remember, and he seems reluctant to do anything but talk to you via the internet.

 

I know you want to know why you broke up - and he never explained. How can you get back together without knowing what happened in the first place?

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Why is this so not him? Sorry, I've done some of those things he is now, and I still tried to be the protective brother and close to my parents. More importantly, do not think he will change jsut because you are toghether. Indeed, if you were smart, there should be times with any man you are with when you encourage him to go out and have fun, and do whatever, within a few limits.

 

Sorry, I guess it's hard to explain. You sort of have to describe an entire being, and thats really hard with just a few words. No-one knows him like I do, so its really difficult to explain. I have no problem with him going out and having fun, by all means he deserves it. But its the way he acts, the things he says. It's so fake. He's trying to act like a big shot macho, and in reality, he really is just a sweet, shy guy. He hates parties, he even told me the last time we spoke before we went NC (after we had broken up) that he didn't really want to go to the new years eve party he was heading to, and when i asked why was he going then, he couldn't answer me.

 

He used to be such a caring guy, even when we weren't together, but after we broke up, its like his heart vanished. He's been replaced by a cold, disrespectful 'bloke' that seems to treat women like a piece of meat. This is the biggest shock of all. He is very respectful of women, he never forced me to do anything, he never even talked about anything rude in front of me (though I'm sure he saved that for the guys lol). The worst thing he would say was "she's hot", now he goes on about sex, and she's hot, she did this, i wana do this, girls are good for this, etc. and its just not him. He was the shyest, most caring sweetheart, who's now done a complete 180, and people just cannot change that much in the amount of time he had.

 

He may very well still be the protective brother, but nowadays, he wouldn't want anyone to know it. To his 'mates' and everyone else, his sister would just be his sister, and "she doesn't need lookin after, she'll be right"

 

I wouldn't expect him to change if we were together (although he has changed massively since we've been apart). Its just that he would stop pretending, he would be able to be himself, he could open up...Again, its really hard to explain.

 

The short 'non-date' is a great idea, although, I don't know how I would get him to agree to it. Most likely his first reaction would be "she wants me back. and if i go and meet her, she'll think she's in". I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place here lol. And I'm very confused. lol. any advice?

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Only a few times.

 

I know that, but hes not outgoing, thats the thing! He is the shyest little thing! I've been out when he has been there too, and he looks so out of place it made me sad. He looked like he was trying so hard to be cool (hanging out with my friends by the way) and i just couldnt sit there and watch.

 

I think I have a pretty good idea. It was mainly my fault. I was very demanding, (without realising it) a bit clingly perhaps, and a few other things. But, granted, he had flaws too, and it takes 2 to fight.

 

I just don't want to scare him away. I care about him (well the him he used to be) and know that if he gave me another chance, I could make it up to him. I could show him that I can be a good gf and not fight with him, and he can go out and have a good time without worrying about me getting cranky. I have changed so much since we broke up.

 

I just miss him a lot. Its good to talk to him occasionally, but I miss the way we used to talk. So much.

[Clabs]

Hey You're My Butterfly.

 

My take on this is that he is a lost cause. He ended things with you and he hasn't made any attempt at contacting you, only responding to your messages.

 

You say that you will be cool if he says he doesn't want to give it another go, but from some of the things you have written I am not sure that this would actually be the case when it came to crunch time.

 

I think you should move on and stop worrying over this guy. Find yourself someone who does want to be with you and doesn't dump you.

 

Look - half this year has been and gone. How much longer are you going to let this drag on for, wasting more life.

 

I know that this is not what you are wanting to hear but I have not seen one shred of evidence from any of your posts that even hint at him wanting to try again.

 

Of course, this is just advice from some stranger. I don't know him and I don't know you. And nobody knows what will happen in the future - maybe you will hook back up, maybe you won't. But you sound like a bit of a fighter to me and something tells me you won't let this go in a hurry!

 

If you really and truly think you can cope with the possibilty of rejection, then I would say ask him for a coffee and see what happens. If it doesn't work out, you have lost nothing. You can then take this as your closure and finally move on.

 

I just don't want to come on here and find that you have gone there and not got the response you wanted and find you in a mess because of it.

 

Take care.

 

Mark

[Benjyh]

i know exactly what ure talking about with the personallity change, only it happened to my ex, whislt we were together. its a very hard thing to deal with, but u need to make him see himself how he was before and what he has turned into. and make him dislike who he has become. which is tricky to do.

 

just a thought

[Beec]

I think this guy is very far away from being how he was.

 

but I think that if you wanted him and wanted him to change, you would be best off by getting him to want you, and then rejecting him, unless he changes back. You'd need to make him want to change. Why would he want to?

[Mavis VDSande]

Regardless of what kind of a guy he is now, you need to look at what actions he has made to show you that he has interest in you and a possible rels with you.

 

The biggest sign to me, and what really sticks out like a sore thumb is this - he has not given you his no. or suggested to meet up for a coffee.

 

Because of this I don't think he's ready to meet you, or have a rels right now. Perhaps he's just looking for fun, hence the way he acts. If he was trying to impress you or act cool around your friends, but he really had feelings for you, wouldn't he have asked you to meet up or given you his no. by now?

 

Look at his actions towards you. Not what he's doing.

 

You could ask him for a casual meet up/coffee - if you do (I think you will anyways), ask when you're online - even though you have his no, don't call him. He might be a bit taken back that you found his no - or even feel that he has no privacy from you.

 

Finally - what's the rush to get together? Why not slowly spend time with each other and see how it goes from there. You seem keen to be "official", you know that this won't be the case, as with developing any friendship/rels these things happen over time. You have to get use to the new him now, and realise that if you do start again, it may not be like what it was before - at all.

[insofar]

Beec: Wow, that's so manipulative.

 

I like the non-date idea. You have to remember that as far as you guys go right now, you're like a new couple, even though you know much more about him than most other people. This means you still have to take it slow, otherwise you'll scare him off quickly.

 

You do have to remember though that you might just plain not be compatible. Maybe he does have more social side that he's trying to bring out for his own reasons (I know I've been trying to be a lot more social since my breakup last year, and it has nothing to do with her). This isn't to say don't try, but if he says no once you've brought the idea up, you've got to accept it. That might mean staying away from him, because you'd be wanting something that he didn't, and that can only mean pain for you if you keep trying to push it.

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Thanks everyone for your advice and opinions, they really do help. I am definitely not going to bring up getting back together straight away, I mean sure I'll ask him for a casual meet up, but I don't think i'll mention anything now lol. Its not that I'm keen to be "official", it wouldn't worry me if we weren't together for another few months, its just that I wanted to start trying again...sooner rather than later if at all possible. Just getting to know each other all over again, you know what I mean. I would never try to pick up where we left off, that would be a disaster, and wouldn't work even if we both tried.

 

Been thinking a lot about it today, and what you guys have said, and you're all right, every one of you. Things are very different now, whether I want them to be or not, and it very well may be that he will be this way forever now. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors (nobody does) but the part of him that he's shown me, isnt very attractive. (to me anyway). He's not (or doesn't seem to be) the guy I fell in love with anymore, he's playing it cool (which a lot of people do, I mean, i don't open up and spill my guts to just anyone, not even him anymore), and it's just sad that someone I loved soooo much, could just dissappear..

 

He seems to have the opinion that having a gf would tie him down and he'd be house bound basically...this is the vibe i get off him whenever he mentions things like "stuff commitment for a joke", then in the same 5 mins, tells me how would move interstate for a girl 'if she was alright'...he has no problem with committment, he often talked about getting married, spending the rest of our lives together, etc, and didn't have a problem with that, he brought it up so many times, said he couldn't wait til we could move in together, all that sort of stuff. How do I make him understand, that even if we were back together, he could still go out with his mates, and do what he wanted, without me getting cranky? (because i wouldn't this time around...i've learnt so much from my mistakes and this breakup)

 

Although he showed me a tiny sliver of the guy he used to be last night, (which gave me a bit of hope), I think the new 'i go to the pub, i'm cool, i don't give a toss' attitude is very much overpowering the old guy, and who knows, he may never come back. I guess the only one who knows would be whoever he gets involved with next, be it me, or someone else. Its just really sad knowing what he can be like, in a really loving and romantic way, and knowing that I may never see that side of him again.