i am back....

[hazeleyed]

I am back....I know i always come back and then disappear. Well I took everyones advice and started counselling. It took a lot to get me to that point. I was not ready to let go at some point in my life but I knew he was bad for me. Not sure who was bad for who to be honest. I couldnt let go of anything ...the last straw was when he left me alone in a parking lot downtown. We went clubbing one night and I did not want to go because it was his friends. His friends dont like me and I dont like them. I always felt awkard with all of them. ANyway we were already fighting and then when we got into the club and finally found his friends the girl didn't even seem to recgonize me.,..she brushed me off when i wished her. It pist me off and I walked off. He didnt follow me to the bar. He usually goes blind when his friends are around him. Its like he doesnt even recoginize me. Anyway so when he did come up to me we got into an argument and he walked out of the club with me following him to the parking. Once at the parking lot i tried to get in but he locked his doors...opened his window just enough to throw my purse and pants out ....I tried to grab the door handle and knock on the window and he door off once i tried to open the door....i was left all alone feeling so ashamed of myself....feeling like I let myself down. I felt like a loser, a stupid idiot who had not listened to nayone. HE tried calling me after 30 min but i didnt pick up...i hitchiiked my way home...he came thre to pick up some things and i grabbed his arm and started crying...i asked him why he just left me there...he tried to get me off but i wouldnt let go...then he banged my head against the wall and then the floor......i still cry whenever I think about this...

 

I have tried to let go of a lot of people...I am trying once again. Only this time everything depends on the decisions I make today. If i want law school Ineed to focus and in order for me to focus I need to let go of everyone who makes me feel so down about my life. But it feels like every time I get a little stronger something happens that pushes me one step back. I am not weak....I am not strong either. I dont even know who I am anymore. I am not sure if i ever knew....I feel lonely at times if i am not busy....i feel as if nobody loves me enough, the only relief i find is when i sit with my parents and immediate family members. I have two other friends but everyone else just makes me feel so crappy.

 

There are days where if someone even asks me about him i cry...its like i have reopened the wounds. I know its my fault that i went back and I know I made it harder for myself but i am trying....i really am. COunselling helps a little but not too much because I feel like I need to find something inside myself ot motivate me , to make me understand that I am doing things right. JUst sometimes its so hard because all this is new again...i dont have people constantly around me and when I get lonely its so easy to say i might as well go back...but its a temproary relief isnt it....kinda like those drug addicts who get temporary fixtures and promise they will never do it again...its like i am addicted to being hurt.

 

The days i feel strong i dont even think about these people....i feel as if i dont care about the people who sat with me and heard my story and the next day they went out with him. I saw pictures and its so hurtful to see that these people were the same ones who cried with me the previous night. I am not sure how to take anyones words right now...i am overly suspicious and I HATE everyone....i am so angry at the world sometimes....i am angry at everyone at school ...most of all i am angry with myself. At times I HATE who i am...who i became....who i could have became...

[willow2900]

Hi hazeleyed ,

 

I think counselling is a very good thing for you right now. You need to work through all these emotions. They are all very real and worthy emotions for you. I can see how counselling could be very beneficial for you.

 

Try not to look at the pictures, online albums etc that will hurt you. They do provide a temporary relief for a split second and then a lot on anger and resentment over the current situation. Try to avoid it if you can.

 

You already know yourself that jumping back in to a relationship with this guy would not be healthy for you in any way. Remember that when you have those lonely feelings. Remember why you are strong without him, and why you chose to leave the relationship. It wasn't healthy for you, and it should not be a part of your life again.

 

Continue with your counselling and you may want to consider the journal portion of this site, or a personal journal of some kind. I think you might find it cathartic.

[hazeleyed]

Thanks Willow2920,

 

I often find myself alone these days not because people are tired of hearing my stories. But because sometimes I dont even understand why I start crying. However, I am really proud of one thing which is that this relationship has taught me to pick out guys wisely. I know what is abusive and what is not...who will treat me right and who will not. These are important factors to consider when finding the guy. But i know iam not ready so i am working on myself.

 

I have been looking through sites containing information on being abused and it talks about how one must pray to give them strength and courage in their weak moments and also how I should want to achieve something...work on myself.

 

Sometimes it gets really hard ...the other day Ijsut on on enotalone and went through all my old posts and Blenders post...they made me feel good, strong and at times powerful.....i am just scared ....i dont want to go back but i found myself going back because i fell weak....i can no longer keep doing this with my life. It hurts so much....sometimes i yell at my parents for the littlest things....I am not sure where life wants to take me but I want to create a path for myself....

[Wandering_Sword]

But it feels like every time I get a little stronger something happens that pushes me one step back. I am not weak....I am not strong either.

 

 

You are definitely NOT weak, but you are strong. Give yourself some credit, it takes a lot of strength to look at one's own mistakes, accept them and seek to correct them. You are taking some incredible steps to fix your situation and yes, it was a mistake to go back but no one is perfect and you shouldn't condemn yourself for making them. As long as you learned and not repeat them then you are wiser for it.

[hazeleyed]

Thanks for your reply wandering_sword. I am just scared that this has become a cycle ....I want to break away from it but something about my university allows him to control me. I feel like I have no control when I am at university...i feel like i am so alone and I dont know what to do with that loneliness...does that make sense?

[littletorn]

Hey Hazeleyed.

About a year ago I broke up with a guy, well, he broke up with me. I was living with him (something he pushed on me) and one night he told me he never had loved me and had cheated on me several times throughout the relationship. I left that night.

I did go to counseling and I learned a lot from it. But I didn't realize that until a long time afterward. My counselor was the first person to tell me he was an abusive person. I never saw it before.

There were those days when I couldn't eat or sleep... I am also in college and did poorly because I was so upset. But the point is one day things got a little better, and the next day things got even better. I understood that many people could not leave an abusive relationship. I felt this strength inside me because I knew it would never happen again... I would never let it happen again! I was in control!

Now I tell you my story because I think we have a lot in common. You walked away from an abusive relationship, bravo! Do you know how many women stay in them? Most do.

Right now is the time you have to hold on, and take back all the control he has taken from you. If he calls, emails, or txts you should not reply. And if you do, you should tell him to get lost. The more contact you have the less likely you will be able to heal.

Hold your head up. I think you are strong. Cause I've been there and it's hard. But it sounds like you are on the way to recovery. Just hang in there.

[hazeleyed]

Dear littletorn,

 

I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story with me. I am really angry at everything around me which is why I blow up really fast. I believe its from staying in the relationship for almost 3 years. I always had to defend myself with him and I never could feel comfortable in my skin. As years went by this is what I learned and how to cope with everything. Yelling, screaming, hitting, pushing....this is what I know now and it hurts to know that because I never used to be like this. People tick me off so easily and I lose my cool if I feel like I am being cornered or that I have to defend myself and my whereabouts to them. It also sucks now that everyone I meet thinks I am investigating them but I am really not. I think I am just not ready to meet anyone new whether its a guy or girl for a relationship or friendship. I always feel like people have ulterior motives....or that they are lying to me. I hate knowing that someone thinks i am a * * * * * ...I hate the fact if people associate me with him....I hate how everythng worked out.

 

I am strong but am I strong enough not to go back for the 4th time? Am i strong enough to make the right choice which will benefit me for the future and not short term? See its not even about me still loving him..I think a part of me already accepted if I ever went back I would never be happy but why do i go back? Why do I still at times pick up his phone calls? I have put myself in a situation where I want to go to law school and need to write my LSATS ...I need to do well on them if I dont I can kiss my dream goodbye. Its something that motivates me but something that also upsets me. When I entered university I had a dream to do so well but when I met him it was like I stopped living for myself. God how many times have I sat here and thought about this....I wish I could just die sometimes and be born again...fresh , clean plate so that I dont have to think about it. Believe it or not all this has made a big impact on me. Maybe some people who have never been the same position as U and I wont understand....but it really hurts. I am really lonely now because I have lost friends, I have lost respect and my dignity at that university....I had to beg my teachers to give me extensions, I fell in my eyes somewhere and deep down inside I hurt my ego. Now I have to back to all the bad images I left behind....I feel ashamed...I feel so ugly inside. Perhaps I even feel like a failure to some extent...big, ugly failure.