xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Hi guys. Quick background. Dumped in december last year, NC since jan this year, was not on speaking terms with my ex, but have recently started talking to him again (only online though). I attempted to make contact with him online one night last month, expecting him to ignore, and then block me like he had done before, but instead, we wound up talking for a couple of hours! Since then we have talked online 4 or 5 times, and he has done the initial contacting. I only contacted him that first time. He has said hello first every other time. I guess you could say that we are friends now. And I'm at the stage where I'm happy with that, and it wouldn't bother me if we didn't get back together. However, I'm thinking of asking him for another chance. Just so I know, and can stop wondering. I will be perfectly ok if he says no (a little dissappointed sure, but my life doesn't depend on him saying yes like it would have 6 months ago), and it would be great if he said yes. If he does say no, then I can finally give up completely, and really move on. I'm just a little unsure of how to go about it...I dont want to ask him online, or through a text or anything, because you never know who could be sitting at the computer, or on his phone. I would rather do it face to face. Does anyone have any advice? How to approach the question, when, how long should I wait etc. (keeping in mind that we've only been talking again for a few weeks). How to make it sound casual, like I'm not pushing him for an answer right away (because I won't be)... Thanks guys. Any advice would be appreciated. Link to comment
papalazarou Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Hi there, As you have been chatting informally for a bit why not arrange to meet for a drink/coffee somewhere for an hour or two to begin with? That way you will know whether he is interested or not. If he says I will let you know when Im free and doesnt offer alternatives then you have your answer that hes happpy to chat but thats it. If he says great then you know he is happy to meet - ok it may be as "friends" but you will at least get to see him face to face and whilst it may not be the right time to talk about getting back together at least you will get a gut feeling whether its a possibility or that ship has sailed. Who knows after meeting you may think "actually im not interested"! Link to comment
AusTrist Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Yeh you cant rush anything basically you will have to treat it as though you are meeting him for the first time. Dont try and make things happen just go with the flow and who knows you may just become fantastic friends or u could wind up in another relationship. Just remember that he may have changed to a point where you may not be attracted to him anymore and the best thing you can do is just leave it at that and dont question it because obviously he may have done that to just make himself feel a better person. Link to comment
tdjkris Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Try do NC. totally. It's better for you on the long run. He dumped you, he should come to you. BY person! not only online chatting, txts...BS. He should come by person and then you will decide what to do. Till then, do NC and heal your soul. My ex came (by person) after 5 months.But then I played with her, she asked whether we are in relationship or what? I said I don't know. The truth is I was healed in this 5 months of TOTALLY NC I was better alone. Good luck. Link to comment
xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 Hi there, As you have been chatting informally for a bit why not arrange to meet for a drink/coffee somewhere for an hour or two to begin with? That way you will know whether he is interested or not. If he says I will let you know when Im free and doesnt offer alternatives then you have your answer that hes happpy to chat but thats it. If he says great then you know he is happy to meet - ok it may be as "friends" but you will at least get to see him face to face and whilst it may not be the right time to talk about getting back together at least you will get a gut feeling whether its a possibility or that ship has sailed. Who knows after meeting you may think "actually im not interested"! Thanks for replying. Thats a great idea, I had a similar one, I'm just not sure about how/when to ask him, and how to make it not sound like a date... The last thing I want him to think is "she wants to get back together" and have him run the other direction. Any suggestions? I also had that thought, what if i think "actually im not interested"!! lol oh well, if it happens it happens i guess lol Yeh you cant rush anything basically you will have to treat it as though you are meeting him for the first time. Dont try and make things happen just go with the flow and who knows you may just become fantastic friends or u could wind up in another relationship. Just remember that he may have changed to a point where you may not be attracted to him anymore and the best thing you can do is just leave it at that and dont question it because obviously he may have done that to just make himself feel a better person. Thanks for your advice. You have a good point. Talking to him online has made me see that he is indeed a different person. (or he at least wants me to think that...its easy to sound like you're living it up when the other person can't hear/see you i guess) But i guess the only way to find out is to find out... lol if that made sense! Try do NC. totally. It's better for you on the long run. He dumped you, he should come to you. BY person! not only online chatting, txts...BS. He should come by person and then you will decide what to do. Till then, do NC and heal your soul. My ex came (by person) after 5 months.But then I played with her, she asked whether we are in relationship or what? I said I don't know. The truth is I was healed in this 5 months of TOTALLY NC I was better alone. Good luck. Thanks for your advice. It has already been over 5 months of NC though. I am healed. Trust me, it was a major achievement to have him respond to me online, let alone have him contact me! lol. I am quite happy to be friends and only friends with him, I just have to ask...I have to... so my curiosity can be put to rest lol. I don't want to spend my life wondering "what if..." If he says yes, great, we can try and who knows, maybe it would work, maybe it wouldn't. If he says no, thats cool too, hopefully we can continue to be friends and we'll both find someone else who makes us happy. If I never ask I'll never know will I... its a daunting thought, and makes me feel a little bit sick (nervous) in the stomach, thinking about revealing my feelings to him when theres a high possibility they won't be returned....its so different from when we were starting out the first time. I knew he was interested, so it was no problem opening up. I'm thinking about asking him to come to the cemetery with me to see my grandpa on the anniversary of his death which is coming up soon (no, its not my idea of a morbid date lol) he did this with me last year, when we were together, and having him there was such a huge support and made it a tiny bit easier...I don't know that he would come though. I was thinking I could ask him about getting back together after that. Like on the way home or something...Any thoughts? Link to comment
papalazarou Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 I'm thinking about asking him to come to the cemetery with me to see my grandpa on the anniversary of his death which is coming up soon (no, its not my idea of a morbid date lol) he did this with me last year, when we were together, and having him there was such a huge support and made it a tiny bit easier...I don't know that he would come though. I was thinking I could ask him about getting back together after that. Like on the way home or something...Any thoughts? No thats far too "heavy" it needs to be light and upbeat. I would just meet first and see how it goes. If you meet again and then again then I think you should ask. But not on the first meet up. Link to comment
tree Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 remember how it was when you first started dating? you were just hanging out and then both of you were giving the right signals and then it was off? you didn't hand him a paper to sign his name on it on the first date, did you? same thing here. no one has to be the first one to ask but you've to hang together first and let it naturally occur. if you point blank ask him, it's too 'formal' so to speak. best of super luck! Link to comment
tdjkris Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 I don't want to spend my life wondering "what if..." If he says yes' date=' great, we can try and who knows, maybe it would work, maybe it wouldn't. If he says no, thats cool too, hopefully we can continue to be friends and we'll both find someone else who makes us happy.[/quote'] If ,if , if...Ok, I understand you, I was in your shoes before 8 months. I begged, even asked her for wedding, after 2 months of NC... But, after 8 months, the issues were the same, deep inside me I was unhappy, I knew she isn't "the one" for me. But I guess I was addicted to her, it was impossible for me to be without her.Now,after I was dumped for the second time,it 's almost 4 weeks of NC,but now,as opposed the last time, I don't speak to family or friends for now (last time they suggested me to open my soul and tell her I love her etc...).Now I have energy to tell friends it didn't work,I deserve better If I never ask I'll never know will I... its a daunting thought' date=' and makes me feel a little bit sick (nervous) in the stomach, thinking about revealing my feelings to him when theres a high possibility they won't be returned....its so different from when we were starting out the first time. I [i']knew[/i] he was interested, so it was no problem opening up. Ok, I suggest you to move on. Maybe it's for good,who knows, I don't want you to suffer again like me.But it's your life. Try save your dignity. Let him try harder to win you back,and you will see. Till then, work on yourself,enjoy your freedom Link to comment
Mavis VDSande Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 I think you should stick to NC. Like a poster said here - MSN and texts are BS when it comes to a real heartfelt reconciliation. Also your suggestions on asking him sound like bad ideas. Too emotional, too heavy and very unattractive! You need to build on your own emotional strength, and right now, you're not ready to meet him. You're ready to chat to him from afar, but not to meet him. I think you care about him a lot more than you're revealing here perhaps, more than what he's revealing too. You must remember that he lost faith in the rels, thereforeeee asking him to try again is not going to give him that faith back. He can only decide himself if he feels that it's worth giving your rels another go. That can only happen if he makes the decision on his own without your part or pressure on it. Which brings me too - why did he end things in the first place? Link to comment
andy5128 Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Hi Ya I agree with Pap here.. Yeah by all means after that amount of time and that you have been chatting well even if just casually online. Take it to the next level and just ask "Do you fancy grabbing a coffee to catch up sometime?" something lke that. Keep the get together quite short so a couple of hours at most. Take it from there really. I would not do the grave visit as also agree thats a bit heavy and full on right now. Just arrange that casual catch up and keep it light no heavy relationship stuff the first time and just get a feel for things. Then do that a few times and take it from there. Take it slowly and build upto what you want to ask don't dive in that may push him away. Good Luck and keep us posted... Andy Link to comment
xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted July 6, 2007 Author Share Posted July 6, 2007 Thanks everyone for your advice. You have all been a big help in a slightly (ok very) confusing time! Which brings me too - why did he end things in the first place? I've been asking myself that question for the last 6 months. I don't know. He never told me, and if I had asked, he wouldn't have answered. I didn't get any closure whatsoever. He ended it, and bam. That was it. We didn't speak for almost 6 months. I tried once to contact him, back in january, but he ignored me, so after that I went NC, (it wasn't very hard lol) and this is the first time we've talked in almost 6 months. (first hurdle cleared!) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It was hopeless to even think about trying again, I would think "how can we get back together if he won't even speak to me" but now, he's gotten over himself, we can actually have a conversation and be civil, and we even had a few laughs, and a few friendly digs at each other. There has been no mention of the relationship, why it ended, etc, by either of us, and I'm not going to purposelly mention anything like that. If he brings anything up, fine, I will talk about it casually, but I'm not going to keep constantly bringing it up to him. I probably should add about the grave visit - I realise its way too heavy for a first meeting, its not for another couple of months, I just thought if we're going ok by then, and have met up and stuff, maybe I could ask him. I should have put that in the first post, sorry. But I would assure him its not...how do i say...like too serious...he wouldn't have to come in with me, he could just sit in the car and wait for me. But I don't know. I'm not really game to ask him, I guess I'll meet up with him first (if he is willing) and see how that goes. Link to comment
tdjkris Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 I wish you all the best of course. Just pls look at this web-site, it helped me a lot to realize that I am stuck with wrong girl despite I was totally in love.(addiction, addiction ) link removed Link to comment
xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted July 6, 2007 Author Share Posted July 6, 2007 I wish you all the best of course. Just pls look at this web-site, it helped me a lot to realize that I am stuck with wrong girl despite I was totally in love.(addiction, addiction ) link removed Thanks for that, it was an interesting read - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - My ex and I both got new cell phones after we broke up. Neither of us gave each other our new numbers, although I do know his. (my sister, and a few of my friends have it....go figure...) I have no idea if he knows mine or not. I'm wondering whether I should text him, or make contact with him on it, but not sure if I should as he hasn't given me the number....Should I wait until he does? (if he does) or just go ahead, and say "so and so gave it to me"...don't want to push him away or freak him out though... Link to comment
andy5128 Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 If he hasnt himself give you the number I would not contact him via it. Continue with the online chat and arrange a get together on there. If he gives you his number online then fine. Let him give you the number to use. Link to comment
xxYoure My Butterflyxx Posted July 6, 2007 Author Share Posted July 6, 2007 ok thanks for that! I was really tempted to just send a "hey how you going?" text, or something, but I didn't want him to be like "howd you get this number and why did you ask for it" lol Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.