Why can't it just be easy?

[oh my god... ho]

I want to walk away but it seems to hard. I know what I need but I don't want to go through the pain. I know what people will say is that it's worth not being mistreated, but at the moment I can only think about the fact that I hate being alone and I don't have people to go to. My friends are busy with their lives, so is my family, no one wants to take on the burden of me.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I have a few theories on why it is so difficult to leave an abusive relationship...

 

First, the fear of being alone. The person he/she is with although treats the other badly, the one being abused sees it at least it is "better" than being alone.

 

Second, humans are creatures of habit. Although the circumstances the abusee is in is not great, painful...he/she has grown accustomed to the situation and humans feel "safe" in what is familiar. Many people dislike change, even though he/she is unhappy where he/she is at. It is like leaving a job one hates. Yeah, the job stinks and the person does not want to be there, he/she does not want to leave because he/she can do the job well and in his/her sleep. Many people do not want to quit, looking for another job, train, be new again.

 

Third, abuse strips a person's self esteem and confidence. Layer by layer. Slowly. It is a very long process. So, in a sense, the abusee feels like he/she needs to be in the relationship and the abuser.

 

Forth, the fear of the mess afterwards. I feel this is why many people do not want to leave a relationship he/she is unhappy with, whether there was abuse is there or not. The mess meaning, getting his/her things, breaking leases, moving, telling people the relationship is over, seperating bills and or assets, kids (if they are involved). All of those things can really overwhelm a person and deter him/her from leaving an unhappy relationship.

 

It can one of these theories or all of them combined to some degree. I think also many people get stuck on a person's "potential." Yeah, anybody can be nice, caring, respectful if he/she wanted to but actually DOING it is another.

 

I recommend you find a support group in your area geared towards people whom are in your situations. If your friends are true friends, you will NOT burden them. I would want to know RIGHT AWAY if any of my friends were being abused. And I would try anything I could to help. Same with my family. I know for a FACT my family would want to know. There is plenty of support out there, you need to go find it, be proactive in your recovery and not let things come to you.

 

You always have us here on eNotAlone to help and listen as well.

 

(((HUGS)))

[LauraPhelps]

Hey. Well I've been with my bf for a year a half now... It keeps getting worse. The sad thing is deep down I knew it was coming. The sooner you're out the better...

 

If I could only take my own advice... No one understands what it's like to be the one in it. Because even if he's an ass... he's also your best/only friend. The highs are higher than the lows are low. It makes it hard.

 

I've just been reading a bunch of websites on abuse, especially emotional abuse. It helps because it proves that everything he says and does is intentional and planned. It's creepy to read online verbatim the story of my life. BUT... it helps because you'll stop blaming yourself and realize how skewed his reality is.

 

Break up with him when he gets mad at you for something retarded and stupid. Don't worry about him getting mad back... he won't (if he does it will be short lived). He'll immediately turn around and want you back. You just have to be strong enough to ignore him when he does that. When he's being sweeter than ever to get you back...

 

I'm getting there... The fact that my family is not really talking to me, nor my friends, because I'm still with him... it's really starting to sink in too.

 

It seems like it would be easy to get friends once I'm done with him because right now I'm too afraid to go anywhere or hang out with anyone because of what he'll do...

 

But anyway I atleast hope you can relate to this in some way or make sense of it.

 

xo-lp

[Beyondthesea]

Trust me when I say that the feeling you have of being alone, is only a feeling. This is due to being torn down and isolated by your abuser.

 

When I made plans to leave my abuser, I didn't know what to do. I thought I had no one to help me at all. when I talked to a few old friends about the situation, they were so helpful that I took the leap immediately!

 

The problem is:

 

You have to tell someone. Don't be embarrased or ashamed. Reach out to someone trustworthy. It will be alright

[mintblossom]

Alot of choices that are better for us, aren't easy. In fact, they are very very hard, painful and discomforting.

 

Leaving the abuser behind was probably one of the most painful things that I ever had to do. But I can also say that it was one of the very very bestest things that I ever did for myself.

 

You don't deserve to be treated like that.

[mr me]

i guess i just wanted to add as well because its really weird how my situation was. I have been tryin to do everything to feel able to leave but in alot of ways its just too hard. Im not even with the person anymore but for me because i am a loner and i let it go on for so long that it just sucks. I also had her leave me so it was surreal. I feel like people sometimes dont see guys go thru this but alot of people feel like they could help someone out and in real life u can but when it comes to a relationship it doesnt work out. That person needs to help themselves but that was also hard for me because she did but she then left me to do that. Thats the reason why she left and it just totally was the hardest thing for me to do but im kinda seeing the good from that now. it seems hard because sometimes u dont want to hurt their trust afterwards but its ur life now and u should be able to enjoy it however u want it. I am just hoping to take my own advice now. Its just it all was so bad and its really isolating to be a guy in that situation because it might be common but its never talked about. Its like my life has been so much better and i dont have to stress and worry all the time but i just kinda realized right now after everything else that i had to get over that it was really just the abuse that kept it like i felt stuck but now i see otherwise. its also really weird because she wants to be friends because she felt bad but i know we can never really have a real friendship. Its like im not in love with her but it felt like i was trapped so thats all i really knew how to do was love this woman but now its like its all over and im finally getting out of the mess i was in.

[Anotherday]

Because the dynamics of abusive relationships are so warped. I can relate to everything you say. I ended things but couldn't stand the loneliness. He didn't even miss me.

 

I say leave before you get to this point, 'cause it feels even worse when you're at this point.

 

The opposite of love isn't hate, rather indifference.

[mintblossom]

When I was with the abuser, I was SCARED to death of being alone. It really really scared me......even though I was already alone...I just didn't know it.

 

When you are with someone who is hurtful, mean, abusive, cruel, jealous, threatening, and emotionally violent.....you are already alone. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally you are already completed isolated.

 

I was scared to death of being on my own. But because I stayed alone and with myself......gradually the fear went away. It really did. It didn't happen all at once, it didn't happen overnight...but as I got healthier and felt better, I became less scared.

 

For the first time I became really and truly OKAY and great with being single on my own. Even without the support of any friends.

 

But if you're not used to it, it can be really really emotionally hard. But I have to say....the end result is worth it.

[oh my god... ho]

I don't want to leave him. I love him more than anything. I want to fix our problems so that we can get married. I want what we have when things are perfectly good and we get along. But I don't think I'll ever have it. I don't want to be alone; that is the last thing I want.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

"I love him more than anything."

 

Although it may seem like you love him, you don't. It is my strong belief a person cannot love the person whom abuses him/her. It is called DEPENDENCE. You are depending on him to fill your self worth, your indentity. You said so yourself, you do not want to be alone. That to me sends a strong message you dependent on him. If you were not, you could leave.

 

"I want to fix our problems so that we can get married."

 

You cannot "fix" those problems on your own and you cannot "fix" him, change him, tame him, etc. Please do not fall into the line of thinking that he will see what a good girlfriend you are, how understanding you are, how patient you are and eventually you will be "rewarded" with him coming around and treating you better. It WILL NEVER happen.

 

"I want what we have when things are perfectly good and we get along."

 

You are addicted the highs and lows of this relationship. You are addicted to the drama. When it is bad it is REALLY bad and when it is good, it is REALLY good. There is no in-between. This is not a healthy relationship. Try not to confuse drama and love. They are not the same. And one does not lead to the other.

 

You are addicted to him, you are addicted to "fixing" him, you are addicted to the relationship's "potential." None of this constitutes love.

 

I strongly recommend you seek out some support groups in your area and gather the strength to leave this man. He is never going to change. It is time you realize that. Life is too short to be in this mess. There is better and more beautiful things awaiting for you. I promise.

[LauraPhelps]

I feel exactly the same as her (oh my god... ho!). I don't want to leave my relationship at all even though recently I've learned that I probably should. Most of the time it is so perfect!

 

...But I don't feel that in any way I love the drama. Unless it's subconscious. I know people on this site often think that is the case of "victims" to love the ups and downs but I don't relate. I hate drama and remove myself from dramatic situations and people.

 

I also don't feel dependent on my boyfriend at all! But I do love him to death. And I do think I'm going to marry him.

 

More clearly... I think once "victims" realize what is going on or the potential for bad things to happen they KNOW more than anyone else what they need to do. Leave him! They choose to stay in the relationship because of love... not because of dependence and drama. Not because they can't get out.

 

How do you convince yourself not to want someone when he's all you've wanted all along??

 

How do you make yourself ready to leave him when you love him, truly, but know it's not smart??

[godschild]

hi, you read my mind. Its hard because my Fiance knows I have no where to go and he feeds off that. Always. I really have little/no friends. It sucks. I have terrible anxiety and I cant live my lie like this. You neither. I pray for you girlie.