Advice needed please..

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Hi everyone I'm new here, this is my first post My story: My bf dumped me in december after over a year. It was a pretty bad breakup. Very messy. I have worked on myself, changed for the better, (i really needed to, I wasn't a very nice girl sometimes back then, and treated him not very nicely...granted, he did the same to me but...) I am at peace with myself, and glad to have "me" back. But I still want him back. And we aren't on speaking terms, so its going to be a bit of a challenge...

 

We had an almost perfect relationship - I don't have the rose coloured glasses on, there were some really bad parts to it too - we were sooo close, so strong and so in love. He was my best friend, and I was his. We did everything together. I thought nothing could tear us apart...all my friends said to me when we broke up "I can't believe it, I thought you guys would get married!"...we had discussed it, and both knew that it was each other that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives withso i wasn't the only one who thought that.. and he'd been telling me he loved me up until the day before he dumped me, so I don't think 'loss of feelings' was anything to do with it...but I feel that now, that I have made these changes to myself, we could really work if we could just try again. I don't know where to start though..

 

I saw him today, driving, I had to give way to him on an intersection, and he drove right by and didn't even look...how could he do that, we used to be each others everything! I still love him, I think I always will, and I really want him back, I really want him to see that I've changed. I feel so different these days, I'm really not the same girl he broke up with.

 

I guess I'm just looking for suggestions on how to go about this. We haven't spoken since the start of this year. I've tried a couple of times, but to no avail. It's not like I could just ring him up and start chatting either... I did have one crazy idea of sending him a cd with just a couple of songs on it that said something along the lines of 'im sorry, will you take me back/i still love you' but I'm not really sure about that, and something tells me if I doubt it, I shouldn't do it...Any advice/opinions/critiscisms would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou (sorry it's a bit long)

[Reilly2856]

It's great to hear that you've made such personal progress. And you should be proud of the changes you've made...but you should not expect those changes to be noticed by him. Firstly because changing is really about yourself and not done so (at least should not be done) just to impress someone else. Secondly because you have really had no contact with him for so long. You mentioned something about trying to contact him a couple of times but to no avail....what did you mean?

 

Honestly, it looks like a lost cause. He may have felt something for you, but that may not be true now. I do think there are "loss of feelings" on his part because if there weren't he would've at least tried to maintain contact with you or try to contact you again. He was your best friend and the love of your life...but sometimes, we just need to let go. We don't always get what we want in life. He has moved on. The simple fact that there is no contact between you two may be an indication that he is not interested in maintaining anything further. Best advice on my part would be to suggest moving on. Will be hard, but use these changes you've made for yourself and invest them in a relationship with someone new.

[Jess...]

First off, welcome to enotalone! This is a great place for support and advice Hmm...your story sounds similar to mine... I'm not exactly on speaking terms with my ex either...in fact one of the last things he said to me was "I hate you Jess, I really do"....it was in anger though, and I don't think he really meant it...He often drives past and doesn't look at me too... actually its more like "I'm-not-looking-at-you-see-I-have-my-head-turned-I'm-not-looking-at-you" doing it on purpose so its painfully obvious. Well its painfully obvious that he's deliberately not looking. Or trying to make it look like he's not. lol

 

Anyway, I don't really have any advice for you, as I'm sort of in the same situation, and don't really know what to do about it myself, but just know you're not alone. It does get better, its been 6 months for me too, and I'm finally really coming out of the fog. I'm just not sure about the cd either...he's not in the same emotional place he was when you were together, it may not have the effect you're hoping for...

 

Chin up

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Thanks for your reply. I didn't make the changes especially for him, they were for myself, but it would be nice (and he would be surprised to say the least) if he knew how different I am today...

 

I tried to contact him a couple of times but to no avail - I mean I tried to talk to him on msn and he didn't respond, then blocked me. A couple of weeks later, he unblocked me, and i can't understand that...but I didn't try to talk to him again. I had sent a couple of emails (just casual ones, hey how you going sort of thing) but never got any replies.

 

I've often thought it was a lost cause, but I don't want to completely give up...I have pretty much gotten over it, but I just would really like him back...Just want to try one more time. Then I could fully move on. I never got any closure, and maybe this is my way of getting it. Or maybe I'm just a little emotional because I saw him today lol

[thelonelydoll]

Not feeling like we've gotten closure is one of the great obstacles for NC and healing for real. Believe you me, I felt it very strongly too. I started a document of all the things I wished to get off my chest, items got added and removed with time, and while I'm back in contact with my ex, I've still got that document to refer to. Thing is, it enabled me to get a sense of closure on its own even before we started speaking again.

 

It's a tool to help you find closure from within. That plus coming to a realisation that I needed to decide to give up completely - and once I did that, I forgave myself for my bad choices and my part in the dysfunctionality of the relationship.

 

My thoughts are that if you really think this deserves another chance, you really do have to completely give up, let it go, and get over it completely, not just "pretty much". But I would also ask: do you think he has also made changes and improvements to his behavior? Are your reasons for wanting him back based on truly loving him, or on your own desire to problem-solve it?

[Reilly2856]

Hi XXYou're my butterflyXX!

 

I understand where you're coming from and believe me, I know it is very difficult to move on without closure. Part of the reason I asked what you had tried "to no avail" was because I figured it was probably ways like msn mssging and emails. I know how much you want another shot at this, but if he has ignored your emails and blocked you and then, unblocked you (that I'm not sure why but maybe he felt bad for his behaviour...but don't look too much into the whole unblocking deal because he has still made no effort to contact you)....it doesn't look good. You could send him one last email where you clearly express your feelings and ask for another shot at your relationship....but, what if you don't get a response? It will be soooooooo painful to not hear anything back from him, which will send you on another whirlwind of emotions and you may still not get any closure.

 

There really isn't any way out of this. If you really want a shot then ask him...but be prepared to not hear anything back and be prepared for the pain. Just listen to your heart and your head. Oftentimes, when both of them say the same thing then it is the right thing to do. But if both are telling you something different, then see that as another reason to move on from this situation and to forget him.

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Thanks for your reply. To answer your question, yes, my reasons for wanting him back are based on truly loving him. He was my first love, and I will probably always love him, whether I'm with him or not...I had given up completely...I heard a little while ago that he had a new gf, which destroyed all hope I had left, and I started doing a little better, but then I found out it wasn't actually true, and at first I didn't care, but lately, I have just been thinking how much I miss him and how nice it would be to have him back.

 

Your document idea is interesting....maybe I should make one too and see if that helps any...I just want closure! It's so hard to leave everything up in the air so to speak, and things between us will probably always be weird, because we havent been able to say "well its over and everything but ill forgive you, i won't avoid you like the plague anymore, but we're still not together" or something along those lines. So probably forever more, he will purposelly not look at me, ignore me deliberately etc... I wish he would just grow up lol

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Hi! Thanks for your reply! Sending an email and not getting a response is what worries me. Because most likely, he would read it, keep it, and not reply. Just like he has done with all my other emails. He may possibly laugh about it with his mates too, i.e "haha check out this email xxYou're My Butterflyxx sent me! she wants me back hahahahaha!!" and I definitely don't want that (although knowing what sort of guy he is - or at least used to be - I don't think he'd show anyone, but the person he seems to have turned into would probably forward it on to all his mates...though I hope I'm just exaggerating coz I'd hate to think my little sweetie has turned into a jerk...but thats how he appears to me)

 

Yes....I'm really not keen on the emailing idea...maybe I could try to talk to him on msn first? And if there's no response, then just give up? Its been 6 months for goodness sake... surely he'd be over the bitterness etc by now..?

 

What does anyone think about the cd idea? I wasn't plannig on putting my name on it, just a few (probably 3) songs that would make him think of me, and think it could be from me. Then if he ever asked about it, I could deny it, especially if it didn't work. Or if it did, it could be a wonderful 'stroke of luck' that the 'mystery person wanted to see us back together' lol this sounds crazy doesn't it!! I'm having a crazy day lol.

[Reilly2856]

The CD idea may not be a good idea. If you really love someone, you don't forget them...you don't need reminders, because they come to mind without you needing any of that. Girl, I would really suggest that you simply try to either (a) talk to him in person or (b) write a short mssg on msn or email and just say how u feel. Nothing fancy but simply short and to the point asking him for another chance. Those long-winded emails that profess undying love are not very tacky, while a classy, simple email right to the point can achieve just (if not better) as much and will not be laughed at (if he has the indecency to forward it to his friends). If you get no response, it is time to move on. Don't pursue him afterwards.

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Ok, so I tried to talk to him on msn, and, shock horror, he replied!!! I nearly fell off my chair!! We talked for a couple of hours, and neither of us mentioned anything to do with us (me on purpose trying really hard!! all i wanted to say was "i miss u so much, i want another chance, my life's empty without you, take me back!!!!!") and it went ok i think. he didn't give anything away, as to how he feels about possibly trying to reconcile, however he did say he never sees me around anymore...i don't want to read too much into that, but could it be that he possibly notices? (i have been avoiding him on purpose for a few months). So there were no hints or anything, but at least he didn't block me! lol baby steps! but...what now?