King5 Posted June 13, 2007 Share Posted June 13, 2007 I was speaking with a friend today about my wife and she said that the situation is easily fixable. That although she is emailing all the time to this one guy, it was obvious to her she was using him to fulfill her needs for attention and fantasy. Misdirected needs mind you....but still her needs. Needs that I left unattended as I got swallowed whole in my job and despression. I am throwing this up there for others to weigh in on her reasons why this is a fantasy she is playing out in her mind again, according to my friend who is a woman as well 1) Dude is ugly, short, married with 3 kids 2) He tried to meet her and she refused....many times 3) She has never requested to meet him or speak to him on the phone 4) She has not requested photos after I found one of him online 5) She is almost always positioning the conversation to get compliments on a quick side note...we are in therapy and trying to work through a ton of issues and I have requested her continued emails to this guy be put on the next sessions agenda. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fnlyfrei Posted June 14, 2007 Share Posted June 14, 2007 The first thing you need to realize is that it IS just a fantasy. Fantasies crumble eventually. I hope she finds a more tangible, real way to boost her self-esteem that is productive. Sitting in front of a computer isn't it. I think you are smart to bring this to your therapy session. You sound like you really love her and want to work this out...she needs to want this too though. Good luck to you both ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Share Posted June 14, 2007 well #4 just went bye bye on my commute home...crap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted June 22, 2007 Author Share Posted June 22, 2007 intercepted email last night before we got to therapy today.....I am beyond heartbroken I have nothing left to lose at this point so I might as well tell you thetruth. I fell for you the first night I talked to you on the phone and I haven't stopped thinking about you since. That is always my problem. I can't even keep my heart out of anything. I know you have a talent for reading people so I shouldn't have felt so flattered by you. But you are the first person in a very long time to know me in a way that no one else does. I wanted to be with you, but in more ways than you wanted. I knew from the night I asked you what keeps you interested in your wife and you replied that you love her that I was never going to get from you what I really wanted. And I really didn't trust you. Because in my heart I wanted to believe that someday you would fall for me and that we'd be together. It's all so romantic, the writing, the unrequited love. It's amazing. I don't care at this point if you believe me or not. But how could I just have an affair with you? Why would I be with you knowing that it would only lead to pure heartache? You told me time and time again that you are not leaving your wife. And I am not looking for someone who isn't fully committed to me. I have that now. Maybe none of this makes sense to you. Maybe you still think I'm lying. But I at least had to say it so that you will know that when I said I was going to miss you- I meant it. So...what the hell do I do with this? Right now.....I want to destroy something. This guy basically admitted that he cheated on his wife this weekend and it drove my wife insane. I feel like I've been shoved into a closet with no way t get out but that I'm able to hear whats going on outside in the room... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
servedcold Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 IMO... 1. Don't show her rage. Anger is ok, but in a very controlled way. You should not tolerate this disrespect and cheating in your marriage, and it is in no way a subject for "negotiation" in MC. Regardless of your fault in the marriage situation, her cheating is NOT your fault. You can apologize for creating the environment, but make sure she understands that you know her actions are hers and hers alone, and she is entirely accountable for them. 2. This IS an affair, not just a fantasy, and she is getting a taste for infidelity [edit... I see she has cheated in the past...she alreadt HAS a taste]. Time to shut her experiment in disloyalty down if you want to save your marriage. 3. EXPOSE the affair to her family, your family, your friends, the OM's wife. This will make her extremely angry, you should reply to her anger with "I am going to do whatever it takes to fight for our marriage." She will get over her anger eventually, and if she doesn't, then she was gone anyway. 4. If you do nothing and wait for it to fizzle out, by your inaction, she will rationalize that you don't really care and will do it again and again, and it WILL eventually become physical. She may already be casting about for a more available replacement for this guy. ' Best wishes. Oh and after reading your other thread, I agree with rabican 1000% FIRE THE THERAPIST WHO SAID SHE IS JUST ACTING OUT! This person is way beyond incompetent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2ndTime Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 First thing...... DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF...... Needs that I left unattended as I got swallowed whole in my job and despression It is hers to own. She is a grown up and made a choise. Don't let her put this on you. It takes two to fix but only one to destroy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted June 25, 2007 Author Share Posted June 25, 2007 I know I shouldn't be laughing...but I was able to extract their last conversation online... He rejected her Should I be laughing as hard as I am right now...he admitted to cheating on his wife last weekend with a redhead and told my wife that she would never jeapordize her lifestyle by cheating on me. That he knew it from the beginning and that this had been a fun exercise for him. She was flamming pissed god...the smile I have to way to big right now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 So....I didn't come right out and tell her, in therapy, that I saw her email expressing feelings for thr guy. I know this is a death sentance as she has told me before that if she finds out that I have broken her trust with privacy one more time then its over. Catch-22 right? Damed if I do and damed if I don't? The therapist brought up the email guy in therapy as I had privately asked her to do and my wife said that it was blown way out of proportion and that she is no longer emailing him. Strangely....she hasn't chatted with him since their last exchange last week. He sent two in...she didn't reply to either and deleted them. The only female friend that knows 100% of what is going on disagrees with me, in my hope, that the emails were planted to see if I was still reading to see if she could get me all fired up again. My friend thinks I should just get a divorce attorney and end it right now... anyways just giving the update. On the surface things are better then ever, more hand holding, dating, kissing, sex...everything is better. I still won't budge that we need to maintain therapy, and she is being MUCH more truthful in therapy...but I also know that she is hiding something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 I'd like to personally thank you for airing your secret ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 So cool! I put that comment on the wrong thread. I imagine it shocked you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 actually it made me laugh my butt off...I thought you were just airing secrets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 I know I shouldn't be laughing...but I was able to extract their last conversation online... He rejected her Should I be laughing as hard as I am right now...he admitted to cheating on his wife last weekend with a redhead and told my wife that she would never jeapordize her lifestyle by cheating on me. That he knew it from the beginning and that this had been a fun exercise for him. She was flamming pissed god...the smile I have to way to big right now I guess i can sort of understand the tendency to laugh, but I wouldn't because if i found that my husband had done this even if they NEVER consumated it his mind was already on someone else. This is not fantasy. This was an affair. And I bet it's not over. Now that she was jilted this way she'll probably try to up the ante with him. He sounds like a real snake but that is little solace for you becuase it only means your wife has fallen for a jerk. And yeah, i bet she DID say you ever snoop again and its over. No wonder, she knows what she has been up to. I knew from your first post that you were in the position of denial....and i was not surprised to read your posts thereafter on this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 Thats a SERIOUS fear that I have right now. I saw some of the words and it looked like he could be reeling her in... The only solace I have is that she sounded as if he really hurt her in the email. He told her he thinks she was enfatuated with the fantasy of him, the unknown, and that it really wasn't him. He said that if his actions let her down...then so be it. And she said she thought he was different...that he was interested in her...not out for sex. And that she was glad she had had the reservations about him. NOW that being said I am going to install everything known to mankind to make sure that she hasn't created another email address that I don't know about and has used that as a cover. I am willing to through 100% into rebuilding from this point on and seeing what else I can get from her in therapy. But if she is still talking with him, then sadly I need to meet him. And I have his home information to do so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russell123 Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Thats a SERIOUS fear that I have right now. I saw some of the words and it looked like he could be reeling her in... The only solace I have is that she sounded as if he really hurt her in the email. ... And that she was glad she had had the reservations about him. It sounds like the only reason she didn't meet him was that he rejected her. So if he hadn't acted like a jerk, she would have gone through with it? That isn't very reassuring. Also, how can you possibly care whether or not your snooping makes her angry? If she is willing to leave you over that, considering what she's done, she's obviously not serious about fixing your marriage. Good luck. I think Jaded Star made a good point about the denial thing. Been there myself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted July 2, 2007 Author Share Posted July 2, 2007 Way to confused to think straight to be honest with you. I'm married to a writer of fiction...sometimes I believe what she said in that the emails were there to see if I was still reading...in trying to get me out in the open. Other times I know it's a smoke screen from whats really going on. I have gone back through TONS of emails in both states of mind and found enough to support both positions. All I know right now is that it has been almost 2 weeks since the y last exchanged emails, they do not text anymore and she has only spoken to him on the phone 2 times. The first time back in April when he was giving US legal advice and the 2nd time to tell him that their emails had served a purpose in catching me snooping. The keylogging software brought up no new email addresses or other programs as of yet. So I'll sit here hoping my ass off that I'm deranged and my wife is evil in planting crap for me to freak out over... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 Denial/Hope/Scared...pick one as I'm sure they all fit I have checked the logs and she hasn't emailed him for close to two weeks. She has visited his blog, but there is no way to contact him through the blog and she hasn't posted a reply. Scared/Denial is closer to what I am feelign right now. Things have been better in the last month then they have in over a year, in fact we are spending a long weekend on the coast without the kids. My hope at this point is that what ever was going on in her head is leading her back to me. They never met, spoke only twice, and had nothing physical. I'm sitting here with my fingers crossed that she really came to realize she had fallen for a fantasy and not a real person. Her friend also told her that she was diagnosed with cancer over the weekend and I have been holding her while she has cried her heart out. btw...dude was seriously ugly...(still trying to keep my humor...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 LOL - hold onto that though King5 (The "dude was seriously ugly" one). I know the OM in my situation, while not ugly, is still living with "mumzy" and just finally got his first job at the age of 23. While it doesn't make the situation "right", it sure can knock off a bit of the pain. I am glad that you and your wife are having a weekend away. Looking back at my situation, I think much of our problems is a severe lack of time away from the kids. It is hard to continue the passion with the kids around and I think that lack of passion might be what brought our wives to need to start a "fantasy relationship" with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted July 4, 2007 Author Share Posted July 4, 2007 Yup...we have a coastal vacation this weekend and then a trip to Vegas in early August as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 That sounds most optimistic - hopefully it will give you two time to rekindle the feelings and get closer again. (I just wish I could get a dinner and movie even...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 Optimisitc...I guess I feel like I am living in two worlds.. 1) With a loving caring wife that only shows affection to my face 2) With a wife that lies and preparing for the next lie...just hardening my self towards the pain... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 I hear you, King5 - just don't let the latter completely ruin you... I feel my sanity at times just slipping away due to this and it makes it difficult to enjoy the first point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 Right there with you...yesterday she said she thought I was glaring at her a few times by the pool I said it was the sun and I was squinting...oops Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Sounds better than my fun - my mother was commenting how my daughter maybe should get out of the house more and maybe would like swim lessons or join a soccer team. My wife's comment was "I don't want to be a soccer mom - I want to be a MILF". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King5 Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 I need to find that shirt for you...."I (Heart) hot moms" on the front and "Just not my kids' mom" on the back That is brutal though...sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solarist Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 The sad thing is - for some reason, and god knows it would be easier if I wasn't, but I am still crazy about the woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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