oh my god... ho Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 My bf keeps asking me if I cheated on him. I have, but I keep telling him no. There is a specific incident that he is worried about and will ask every now & again if anything happened that night. In my defense, I had broken up w/ him at the time and had no intentions of getting back together. Yes, I happened to kiss someone, and that was it. And really I didn't pursuit it, the other person did because they knew I had broken up w/ my bf, and I was pretty intoxicated at the time as well. But there's also another incident after we got back together when I was upset w/ my bf and decided to go out w/ friends. Also very intoxicated at the time, this person took advantage of the situation and kissed me again. I know it sounds so dumb to say it wasn't my fault, but that's how I truly feel. I don't even remember making a conscious decision to kiss this guy back, it just happened, and it didn't go any further than that which it very well could have. After I finally realized what I was doing, I stopped it. The problem is that my bf is already a very jealous/untrusting type. I can't go out w/ my friends to the bar or go out dancing w/out him or he will completely flip. If I tell him this, I can only imagine the reactions. One, he'll break up w/ me and not take me back. Two, he could take me back, but our relationship could change a LOT because he doesn't trust me. He'll want to have the password for my email, my myspace, and check my phone all the time. He'll definitely never let me go out w/ my friends, or if he does I'll have to deal w/ him asking me a million questions each time. He's also a very vengeful person and I could see him finding an opportunity to hurt me back by cheating on me, and then wanting to call it "even". I mean, the list is endless. I realize what I did, and I haven't hung out w/ the guy on purpose since the last incident. I have completely avoided him at all costs. I feel like I've learned my lesson and since have not gone out & drank w/ my friends when me & the bf get into it. I realize that I put myself in a lot of bad situations sometimes and that it's very difficult for me to stand up for myself. I don't think anyone could truly understand why I do the things I do except for me, so what is the point in telling someone when they will only be hurt and not understand?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 Hey, If you were broken up with him at the time you kissed the other guy, it's not cheating and it's none of his business unless you want to tell him. Kissing is not that big a deal and it's not like you would be putting his health at risk. This is one of your old threads: Is this boyfriend the one who beats you up? Are you still with him? Why? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krystal_Ivy Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 kissing him when u broke up is not cheating BUT the second time was. would YOU want to know if he cheated on you? in a relationship you must be honest! you have to face up to the consequences of being irresponsible, and if the relationship is solid and real it will get through it, if he chooses not to forgive you then it wasn't meant to be. Tell him how drunk you were and I don't blame him for not trusting you, going out drinking and dancing without him and getting drunk. You should tell him that you won't go out and drink anymore without him, or bars/clubs anymore without him. You must find a compramise where he feels comfortible after you've done this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythical_Suicide Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 IMO, if y'all were broken up then it was not cheating so you are not doing anything wrong by not telling him of what happened. I just also wanted to add, why would you want to be with such a guy who is so controlling? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krystal_Ivy Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 are you guys forgetting that she DID cheat after when they were together and she kissed that guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 This is from the OP's other post: OMG, Is this the same guy? Who has beat you up and controls and abuses you? It's concerning if you are still with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 are you guys forgetting that she DID cheat after when they were together and she kissed that guy? From what she describes, the guy kissed her and when she realized what happened she stopped it right away. The bigger issue here if you ask me is that he beats her up and controls her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 The problem is that my bf is already a very jealous/untrusting type. I can't go out w/ my friends to the bar or go out dancing w/out him or he will completely flip. If I tell him this, I can only imagine the reactions. One, he'll break up w/ me and not take me back. This doesn't really quite sound like a happy, balanced relationship. I don't personally see as "One" above being a problem. If you can't be your own person while you're in this relationship then perhaps the relationship needs to go. The first kiss is inconsequential because you weren't with him at the time. The second kiss isn't quite your doing to hear you tell if, but the situation in general is one that you got into on your own (you went to a bar with friend without him and let yourself have too much to drink) and you know your bf is against that in the first place, so that's a bit tougher to feel totally guilt free of OTHER than the fact you should be able to do some things without him. Points to the same thing though, this relationship is not a great place for you to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TANKGRL Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 I agree, the first kiss is none of his business. BUT the second one is clearly cheating. It sounds like you have a problem with controlling your alcohol. If you are willing to get soooo drunk that someone can take an advantage of you.....then what's stopping you from having sex with another person. His feelings of untrustworthiness is justifiable. I wouldn't trust you either ESPECIALLY if you were going out with your friends. You need to hold back a bit and not put yourself into those situations. It is your fault it has happened because you made yourself available by 1. being there and NOT with your bf, 2. Being to drunk to control a situation, 3. Being with people who aren't watching out for your best interest and making sure you don't make had choices by fault or accident. My boyfriend and I rarely go anywhere without each other. I would NEVER go to a bar without him, I feel safer with him by my side and I know he will back off anyone who over steps their boundaries with me. I think you need to re-evaluate your actions. So far you have made some actions that I believe are good choices....staying away from that guy is GOOD!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythical_Suicide Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 I agree, the first kiss is non of his business. BUT the second one clearly cheating. It sounds like you have a problem with controlling your alcohol. If you are willing to get soooo drunk that someone can take an advantage of you.....then what's stopping you from having sex with another person. His feelings of untrustworthiness is justifiable. I wouldn't trust you either ESPECIALLY if you were going out with your friends. Have you read her previous posts? Kissing another guy isn't half as bad and concerning as what her bf (if its the same one) has done to her! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TANKGRL Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 If it's the same guy that beats her..... she NEEDS to smarten up and move on.... time to grow up and make decisions for better health and a better life for yourself. I understand it isn't easy to leave but I have been in that same situation as her TWICE and I made the decisions to save myself. You gotta be strong girl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpressedone89 Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 i was gonna say tell him but if dude is abusive, dont say a thing. if he puts hands on you, then you'd be putting yourself in danger. i want to say ditch this loser, but i know it isnt that easy. i dont see anything good possibly coming from telling him though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krystal_Ivy Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 Have you read her previous posts? Kissing another guy isn't half as bad and concerning as what her bf (if its the same one) has done to her! were not here to comapre who's actions are worse, his or hers. We're here to answer her question about her cheating. It's her decision if she wants to be with this guy or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NYAmicas Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 He sounds abusive. Very abusive. To answer your question I dont think you should tell him over something like a kiss (that was all, right?) and cause all those problems on yourself. But from what you've already posted about him, you'd be better off if you decide to leave. I really hope you do make that choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythical_Suicide Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 were not here to comapre who's actions are worse, his or hers. We're here to answer her question about her cheating. It's her decision if she wants to be with this guy or not. Yes it's her decision, but why should she go and risk confrontation with a psycho bf over a kiss that she didn't even initiate? Noone was trying to compare whose actions were worse but i'm sorry I would feel much worse about being abusive than I would about kissing someone and not telling my SO. You screwed up and its obvious you feel bad about it, learn from the mistake and don't do it again that's all I can say. Telling the bf isn't going to do anything but make things worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oh my god... ho Posted June 1, 2007 Author Share Posted June 1, 2007 Yes, this is the same BF. That's part of the reason I don't want to say anything if he asks me. I think he might try to find the guy and do something to him. He's said if I ever cheated on him that he would hate to see what would happen to the guy because he & his friends would kick his a$$ basically. It could just be all talk, but you never know. He beat up his brother in law once for something that was a big deal, but still... resorting to violence wasn't the right thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythical_Suicide Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 This guy seems like he is seriously screwed up in the head, I would definitely suggest you try getting away from him. The relationship is in no way, shape or form healthy for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oh my god... ho Posted June 1, 2007 Author Share Posted June 1, 2007 Another reason I haven't said anything is that I've in a way "justified" it because of all the horrible things he's done to me. But despite everything, I feel horrible about it, and I think about it daily. The guilt gets so bad sometimes, even though I don't feel like I did anything THAT wrong. The fact is, I hate having to lie to someone's face. I know in his eyes cheating is the worst possible thing I could do, and he's very against that. Also I haven't said anything because our relationship is on such shakey ground anyway, I really don't know how long it could last anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 Then why try to hold the relationship together? Just let it go ... there are better things and far nicer people out there for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krystal_Ivy Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 Another reason I haven't said anything is that I've in a way "justified" it because of all the horrible things he's done to me. But despite everything, I feel horrible about it, and I think about it daily. The guilt gets so bad sometimes, even though I don't feel like I did anything THAT wrong. The fact is, I hate having to lie to someone's face. I know in his eyes cheating is the worst possible thing I could do, and he's very against that. Also I haven't said anything because our relationship is on such shakey ground anyway, I really don't know how long it could last anyway. well maybe telling him the truth can be a way out of this relationship. It may seem "justified" to you but why would you want to stoo to his level? it's being deceitful to the one you love. Your conscience is telling you to do the right thing, so listen to it! But yes, honestly It does sound like a very unhealthy relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massari Posted June 3, 2007 Share Posted June 3, 2007 Ok here is deal IMHO. your bf is abusing and short temper and controlling. I am not abusive or short tempered. but I am very jealous and have trust issues when it comes to relationships. I have had a gf EXACTLTY like you. The same thing happened she said the guy kissed me, she said " I went to his house and we were watching TV and the guy kissed me. I immidiately backed out and left his house and called you, now why are you getting mad?" I mean are you kidding me? how can I NOT Be mad. but my point here is that do you think you can gain his trust. ppl who are controlling check your stuff usually have insecurity issues I am like that aswell and I am not proud. but you know what I have found 8 months after that kissing thing? I found that she cheated on me again with another guy. I read her facebook messages. I realize what I did, and I haven't hung out w/ the guy on purpose since the last incident. I have completely avoided him at all costs. I feel like I've learned my lesson and since have not gone out & drank w/ my friends when me & the bf get into it. I realize that I put myself in a lot of bad situations sometimes and that it's very difficult for me to stand up for myself. I don't think anyone could truly understand why I do the things I do except for me, so what is the point in telling someone when they will only be hurt and not understand?? its not a matter of not understanding .. he is probably thinking why my gf puts herself in these situations cause I thought the exact same thing and I was right .. she cheated again. Will you do this ever again? will you be ok with not going to clubs and bars without him? if no then you two are completely different, Now I am not considering him being abusive at this point. this is him being NOT an abusive person and thats how one would react. But if he is abusive you need to work extra hard to gain that trust. I am sure there is a reason why he is abusive and is so much controlling Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lansingway Posted June 3, 2007 Share Posted June 3, 2007 i'll refrain from the negative and simply TELL you to come clean. The more you lie, the more there is no chance to reconcile and he will end up hating you. He may be able to deal with your affair but he will never overcome deception and lies. Also, you don't need to post crap about how you will never cheat again unless yoiu have a crystal ball. The fact that you have not told him the truth yet means your into your own gratification and self preser vation. Understand that at this point...it is not about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted June 3, 2007 Share Posted June 3, 2007 I wonder if you stepped outside the relationship because you feel alot is missing there because he beats you, controls you, and does not treat you with love and respect. Most of the time cheating results because the cheating partner feels that they are missing something in the relationship. Have you given any more thought to leaving this man? You know it's wrong to allow him to continue to abuse you, and honestly you don't sound very happy. If stay with him you deny yourself the chance to find a good guy who would never dream of hurting you. But if you go, you give yourself that change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalika Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 I think you need to feel less guilty and more angry. I can't say I understand your reasons for staying with him. I would not be surprised if the abuse escalates over time. Imagine this scenario: You wake up one day, and throw up. You discover you're pregnant with his baby. How would you feel about bringing a child into the world with him? It's really not that far-out a concept. He IS your boyfriend. Things happen, birth control fails. What would you do? How would you feel about having his child, and having to be involved in his life for the rest of yours? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oh my god... ho Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 Hmm I don't remember saying I know I'll never cheat again, but I would hope I don't. I don't know honestly. But I don't know, things are getting better and only time will tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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