Dear Diary, I'm here to stay.

[Milk You]

Day Thirty-One

 

Alright, let's see here... I found the main cause of my eating problem: Too much time on my hands!

 

I was out and about until my friend died, after which I stayed indoors and also started eating a lot again. Granted the last few days I have been getting out more and still managed to overeat, but today I was doing well until I became extremely bored. I literally had nothing to do, so I watched some T.V to keep from falling asleep. And while I watched I ate, and ate, and ate.

 

Here's what I've decided... I need a hobby. Not one that only requires me to be at home, either. Until I can get a job, I need something to fill my days with so I don't have too much time on my hands. (And right now I do. I've actually been counting down the hours until I can go to bed, and dreading waking up at 5:30 tomorrow morning and having 5 1/2 hours of free time before I have to do anything.

 

I could always sleep in, but my excessive sleeping has caused me to be extremely tired during the day. This is detrimental because even if I DID have something to do I'd be too damn tired to do it anyway.

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't have any talents or anything, and can't really think of a time consuming hobby that isn't repetitive. I could take up an instrument or something, but spending all my day practicing would just get boring.

 

I really need more friends who don't work and can hang out more often. Sigh.

 

I'm going to start volunteering soon, but even that only takes up some of my day. And I need my whole day to be filled with activities, dammit.

 

If anyone is reading this and knows a particular time-consuming hobby (and not too expensive)... let me know. Please!

[Milk You]

Alright, so here's the situation with Caeleb. I haven't called him yet. I also haven't spoken to either of my movie bound friends tonight, so I'm guessing the movie is off. Either that or it was set for tomorrow and I got the day wrong. What I'm going to do is call Caeleb Wednesday, and ask if he wants to go to a movie either Friday or Saturday. I probably won't be able to pull off a group date, but I'm not certain when I'll be able to hang out in a group of four (Not doing it with three people. Ew.) or more and I don't want to wait too long.

 

(I got two of my school friends' numbers during the year and still haven't called them yet... Just goes to show phone shy I am, lol.)

 

In my personal experience it's almost impossible to get to know someone by just watching a movie with them, unless it's at a house and the person doesn't mind talking during the movie. However, I've also read that people who laugh together tend to be closer. So, I was thinking that we could watch a comedy and kind of get the awkward/just getting to know each other stage over with, and go from there. Since I won't have any friends to help me out, at least if things get too awkward there will be a movie to escape to. Ha ha.

 

I'm just hoping he doesn't outright decline. I haven't spoken to him very much, and I'm not a big fan of calling people just to talk. I prefer to do that in person. So... here's hoping that he'll be up for hanging out with a gal he's only spoken to twice. I'll suggest the two dollar theatre, just in case.

 

And... that's about all the news I have. I am pretty nervous about this, and I'm really hoping I can get some of my friends to join us so it doesn't feel like a date. I don't want to do that just yet.

 

In other news, I'm trying my best to find some other place to meet people so I can get to know more than one person. I have no idea where though, there aren't very many places to meet new people that aren't bars around here. Hopefully I'll be able to get a job soon, which should solve that problem.

[Milk You]

Day Thirty-Three

 

I miss Todd.

[Locke2121]

You're strong.....

[Milk You]

That made my day.

[Milk You]

Day Thirty-Six

 

Todd is unhappy. And I HATE that I can't do more to help him out. It just really gets to me because I know that there is so much more I can do and so much more I can say, but it wouldn't be appropriate because we aren't together anymore. I know I shouldn't be trying to make him happy or cheer him up beyond what a friend would, but I can't help wishing that I could. It just really, really bothers me that he isn't happy. He SEEMS happy until I start to talk about happiness and what not, and then he says he isn't. I just don't understand it, and it's really bothering me. I wish that he would talk to me about whatever is bothering him, but he won't.

 

I'm so worried about him, and I don't know what to do. I guess I should just trust that his new girlfriend will make him feel better. I just hate being right there and having nothing to do or say aside what I would say to a friend. It's frustrating. Not to mention that I can't fathom why he wouldn't be happy. I would normally guess me/how things turned out with us due to the way he's talking, but he's with someone else who I know he has strong feelings for. So why isn't he happy? I don't know why he's not happy being with her, and why he's not happy that the rest of his life is going well.

 

Meh, it just seems to me that when he found someone else he should be happy. So it really baffles me when he tells me he isn't. And I just want so badly to make him feel better. I don't understand any of it.

 

I sent him a bunch of funny links and what not in hopes it would cheer him up. I didn't think he would really need cheering up because everytime I talk to him he tells he's doing great, and that life is going great. Today I told him it was nice how things turned out, how we were both happy with our lives. Then he's like I'm glad you're happy with it, but I'm not.

 

Well why the * * * * not?

 

I don't even know what I feel right now... I want both of us to be happy, and I guess I'm kind of mad at him for not being happy and for saying he's doing great and what not and then turning around and saying that he really isn't.

 

I know I shouldn't be mad at him for any reason, I just... I'm so confused.

 

When it comes to him, I'm just going to try to cheer him up as best I can, but I'm going to try not to focus too much energy on it. I know that if I do I'll just end up putting my life on hold in order to make him happy, which will only end in heartache seeing as he's with someone else and all.

 

This song reminds me of him. It's about wanting to switch places with someone in order to help them through something. I'm dedicating this song to you, Todd.

 

It doesn't hurt me.

You wanna feel how it feels?

You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?

You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?

You *be running up that hill*

You and me *be running up that hill*

 

And if I only could,

Make a deal with God,

And get him to swap our places,

Be running up that road,

Be running up that hill,

Be running up that building.

If I only could, oh...

 

You don't want to hurt me,

But see how deep the bullet lies.

Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.

There is thunder in our hearts, baby.

So much hate for the ones we love?

Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

 

You, *be running up that hill*

You and me, *be running up that hill*

You and me won't be unhappy.

 

And if I only could,

Make a deal with God,

And get him to swap our places,

Be running up that road,

Be running up that hill,

Be running up that building,

If I only could, oh...

 

'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,

Let me steal this moment from you now.

C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,

Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

 

And if I only could,

Make a deal with God,

And get him to swap our places,

Be running up that road,

Be running up that hill,

With no problems.

[Milk You]

Day Thirty-Nine

 

I've noticed that because of some recent events, my health routines are slowly starting to decline. I'm gaining weight, getting sick more often, and generally not feeling too good about myself. So I've decided to post a routine to follow, starting tomorrow, because I figure it will be easier to stick to something if the whole world can see if I didn't stick to it.

 

As far as things with Todd go... turns out he really wasn't in a relationship with this other girl. He made it a point to clarify that for me.

 

As far things with Caeleb go... He hasn't called me back yet, much to my dismay. I want to invite him to the Freedom Festival, but I'm still debating on whether or not I should bother calling him back again. I don't want to look desperate.

 

I will probably just invite Alexis or something.

 

Here are my daily requirements. If I list something twice, it should be done twice. These are in no particular order.

 

45 Minute Treadmill.

Brush Teeth

Shower

Wash Face

Apply Cream

Read One Hour

Console Game One Hour

Take Daily Multivitamin

Piano 30 Minutes

Voice 30 Minutes

Eat at least two vegetables

Eat at least one fruit

No junk food

No fast food

No sweets

Don't eat when you're not hungry

Don't keep eating when you're full

Don't eat after 7PM

Shower

Brush Teeth

Apply Cream

Wash Face

Call a non-relative.

30 Mins Test Material

 

Go out to a movie once a week

Take a walk outside twice a week

Weigh self once per week.

Starting Weight: 127.4lbs

 

That's about it. I'm going to try to follow this, and hopefully it will improve my mood as well as my health. I'm going to start titling my posts with the days after the break-up first, and the days after I started the regime second.

[Milk You]

Day Forty | Day One

 

I don't understand the way Todd makes me feel. On one hand, when I take steps to completely move on and heal without him in my life, I'm happy. My happiness is steady. Yet, when Todd is prominent in my life I feel very happy at times, but very sad at other times, either because of something he did/said or because of missing him. It's odd... I don't understand why I still want to be with him and am still trying to be with him, because overall I am not happy doing this. It seems to me as if I am happier when he is just a friend or is not in my life at all, but I still want to be with him. I couldn't handle him being "just a friend" and I would miss him if he was to leave my life for good. I don't know what to do... Right now I am trying to win his love again, but I can clearly see that I am making myself unhappy in the process. But I don't want to stop trying, because then I would never know what could have been.

 

I'm trying to just consider this an "obstacle" to happiness; I keep thinking that if he does take me back, I can be happy again. But I've always been taught that if you look at happiness as a goal to be attained, you'll never be happy. Instead, you should enjoy life along the way. I was enjoying my life until I started trying to get Todd back.. but all the uncertainty, all the hurt feelings from the previous relationship, doing certain things for him, plus the things with the other girl are only making me unhappy.

 

I wish I could just let it go, but I can't. I don't know why... I feel like my life is destined to be this way, chasing after Todd (or anyone else, for that matter) and losing myself in the process. Sometimes I wonder if I'm only here to make other people happy, no matter the cost to my own well being.

 

Regardless, I do love Todd with all my heart. He's hurt me a lot which sometimes makes me wonder why I still love him, and why I'd be willing to try things again. But at the same time I think that maybe I was just supposed to let that go, and move on from it.

 

Obviously a lot has happened with Todd since my last post about him. To put it briefly, I mentioned letting go of my hope that we would get back together and he told me he was secretly hoping we would, but after something that'd happened he wasn't certain. (He wasn't clear on what it was, so I have no idea what he was talking about.) He told me his relationship with the other girl was completely superficial, and pretty much confirmed that in a way I won't mention here.

 

From what he said I get the feeling he doesn't know if he stills wants to be with me, but the last two times he told me that he was secretly hoping we would get back together. I try to take everything he says at face value, but it seems like whenever I do that I find out he'd been hiding his feelings from me, and generally it would have saved us both a bit of heartache if I'd picked up on that. So this time I'm going to speculate: I think he does still like me in that way.

 

So, that's about it I guess. I try to keep my head up and I'm going to try to force myself to keep doing things to make myself happy, and hopefully I'll be truly happy again soon. I need to find a way to balance Todd and my regular life together; so I can spend a little extra time on him to try to win him over, but not so much that it's like my whole life is spent on him. He was talking about how the other girl called him a lot and made every effort to spend time with him, so I'm going to try my best to do something similiar but still keep my own life, too.

 

Yeah, so now that I'm repeating myself... it's probably time to go to bed. I've been having nightmares again, meh. I know the main cause of those was thinking Todd was with another woman. All of this is so confusing.

 

On a happy note... Uhh... The fourth of July is in three days!!!

 

You do something to me that I can't explain... so would I be out of line if I said... I miss you.