Milk You Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 Day One. Day 1 meaning… the day I broke up with my boyfriend. Hello fellow readers. I’ve decided to make a journal to help me get over my now ex boyfriend… who we shall call… … okay, I’ll think up a fake for him later. I probably won’t use his name much anyway. First day… doing fine. Taking every precaution I possible can not to plunge into depression. Surrounding myself with friends during the day, online friends at night, music in-between. Deleted most things I could think of that would remind me of him. Trying my hardest not to worry about him. Trying my hardest not to think about our relationship. Failing. Let me give you a little background on the day. I started out thinking, “This isn’t working. I’m going to break up with him.” As the day progressed, and I made numerous attempts to write out what I wanted to say and failed, I realized I really didn’t want to break up with him. I decided to try to talk things out and work out the problems. Needless to say, during that talk we broke up. I’d be in a much worse mood right now if it wasn’t for Locke2121. He talked some sense into me, and took the edge off of the “What have I done?!” thoughts I was beginning to feel. I’ve managed to keep them at bay, for now. I’m worried. I’m afraid. I know that as the days go by, they will return. Hopefully I’ll be able to stave them off. A part of me wonders if I shouldn’t try to hold everything in and should just let myself grieve. I’m scared to grieve… I’m afraid to feel that much pain. I left him shortly before school ended. Shortly before our anniversary. Do you know what this means? Our anniversary plans are no more. Our three week trip that we’ve been waiting years to take is no more. I try not to think about it… I try not to think about how much I have hurt him… but it seems that if I am not actively talking to someone who makes me forget these feelings, they well up again. I never wanted to hurt him… I never wanted my angel to feel so much pain… Here I go again… I’ll never get over him if I keep thinking these things, but I… I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do. I told him this a few times before we broke up. I kept saying, “I don’t know what to do.” Eventually he said, “There’s nothing you can do.” Then it was over. Well… Day 1... Lots of regrets… lots of wanting him back and lots of reminding myself why it wouldn’t work out… I need to stay strong and not contact him. It’s best for the both of us. I need to delete him from my MSN. His name is a dead give away of how he feels. Even if we aren’t talking in any other way, I can look at that and get a clear picture of how he is doing. Yeah… I really need to delete that. I’m afraid of what’s to come. The days and nights without him. I know I’ll miss him so much. And as soon as I think something like this, I start to cry. I try not to cry, but I think that tonight when I go to bed I’ll cry myself to sleep. I’ll let myself cry at night when I know I’ll fall asleep and it’ll be over soon… Dear God, please help me get through the days… I am afraid of the nightmares and the dreams of him I know are coming. That’s one thing I’m not afraid to admit… I’m scared. A month or so before we break up I said, I’m afraid that we will end up breaking up if this keeps up. He said, don’t worry, have faith. He said, do you think we won’t last? And I said, don’t worry, have faith, because I do. And today, all I could say was, what can be done. Please, just tell me, what can be done. And he said, there’s nothing you can change. And then I gave up. Where was my faith? That same one month ago we had a big fight. And I said, I’ll leave you if this doesn’t change. And he said, I’ll change. And he said, will change. And will change. And then things were well. He changed and I changed, but and changed for the worse. And I said, this hurts. And I said, what happened. And he said, I feel uncomfortable. And I find out it’s because of me. Yet he still tells me, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s not you. Well anyway I’m just babbling… obviously a lot more conversation took place… those were just highlights… I know that someday down the line he’ll hate me. He’ll say, “Look at what you’ve done to me. Look at how you’ve hurt me.” And what will I say? I’ll have nothing to say. But I know that someday down that same line he’ll say, “I’m over you.” I hope, I pray, he’ll say, “I’m over you.” And I hope I’ll be able to say the same. Someday I’ll be able to think about him sharing what we had with another woman, and I’ll be able to be happy for him. Someday I hope he’ll feel the same way about me. Someday I hope we’ll be able to say, “It didn’t work out between us, but at least [he/she] is happy.” I think that once I can do that… I’ll be truly over him. Do I want to be truly over him? No. Do I know what else to do? No. In my fairy tale land, we become friends for awhile and manage to regain all that we’ve lost over the years. Then we become lovers, and everything is okay again. That’s all I want, I just want everything to be okay again… Now I’m crying. Great. And I just checked to see if he’d responded to an e-mail I wrote earlier… and for some reason I checked the trash can where all his old e-mails currently reside… of course that doesn’t help. There’s this song that makes me think of us. The song, I believe, is about somebody who is dying. However, a lot of the lyrics make me think of me and him, and they make me cry when I hear them. The song is “If I’d Found The Right Words To Say” by Snow Patrol. Just so happens to be one of my favorite songs. One I’ll be avoiding listening to for some time now. Right about now if I'd found the right words to say (Wishing I could talk to him and make him feel better…) I'd tell you you're safe and take hold of your hand (Wishing I could comfort him like I always do…) I'll be there by your side for the rest of your life (Wishing I could tell him something like this again… always made him feel better in the past.) Our bodies could fall off the end of the world Something told me we'd be happy forever (Something we’ve to each other numerous times, something we truly believed…) I don't see how this could change any of that (Makes me think of us breaking up and wishing we could still be friends and be happy together) I will follow your ghost as it climbs up the rock-face And lie with you on the grass above (This makes me think of the ghost of the relationship… constantly thinking about it all the time.) And I’d like to change all this (The things leading up to the break up… the break up itself…) And I’d like to wake up from this By your side (Wishing this was all a dream.) How did we ever survive for this length of time (Wondering how we got through so much together, and for so long.) Living with only one care in the world (Thinking one thing will make everything better.) But the light that shines from her whenever she's happy Is worth every minute that we've saved ourselves (Realizing that the good times in the relationship were worth it, even if it ended. Remembering that we stayed together for so long and tried our best to keep each other happy.) Maybe there's a hope in just one final second (The last things we said to each other…) A flash of her love as she waves us goodbye (Waving the relationship goodbye.) Don't torture yourself with what we might have given We did everything that we could ever do (Reminded each other of how much we tried to make it work, as much as we can go back and ask, “What if?” we both know deep down that we gave it our all.) And I'd like to change all this And I'd like to wake up from this By your side (Wishing everything was different. Wishing we could change it, somehow…) Turns out I don’t actually need to hear the song to cry over the lyrics… So, , I’m dedicating this song to you… and I hope that someday I’ll be able to listen to it and not cry over you in the process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted May 24, 2007 Author Share Posted May 24, 2007 I checked my "list of people who've added me on MSN" thingie and noticed that my ex re added me... makes me wonder if he's going through the same thing I am... deleting me and then re adding me to see if I'm online, what my name is, things like that... or maybe he was debating on talking to me... This is a habit I'll really need to break. If I'm not constantly checking for an e-mail I'll be checking that list to see if he's still got me added or not. Then one day he'll delete me for good and if I'm still not over him enough that I'm still checking all the time I know it'll hurt. Sigh... !!! I just remembered I missed an important event, too... I'd completely forgotten about it, my mind was on my ex... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted May 24, 2007 Author Share Posted May 24, 2007 I'm heading off to bed now... normally I leave my computer on in hopes my ex will send me cute little messages to wake up to... I know I shouldn't do that tonight, because when I wake up to no messages I'll start the day off hurt... but I just want to do it one more night... I'll keep my hopes up for one more night... Part of me hopes that he'll contact me and ask for a reconciliation... another part of me hopes he doesn't... because I know that's not what either of us needs right now. And right now I'm relying on his strength not to contact me, because I know that if he did and said he wanted to get back together, I'd accept. I'm still not strong enough to keep in mind the reasons we broke up, even though I think that if we did get together again the same things would happen all over again. In a way, I'm still relying on him to help me get through this, even though we're apart. I don't have a problem with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted May 24, 2007 Author Share Posted May 24, 2007 Day Two I have a few moments to spare this morning, so I thought I'd write about what I dreamt of last night. I woke up of a few times so I had around three separate dreams, all of my ex. In the first one I heard footsteps, and I thought they were him, coming into my room to visit me. In the second one, he confronted me about my journal and pointed out some keywords that let me know he's been reading it without outright saying it. I didn't know what to say to him after that, I was just kind of silent but I was secretly hoping he'd comfort me and try to reconcile. In the third one, he responded to my e-mail with an e-mail that started out by telling me how much I'd hurt him, then got kind of playful toward the middle/end. I was asleep so it took me a few hours to notice it, and I noticed he'd changed his MSN name to "Respond..." and then to "Respond... like the calm we're used to." I spent the rest of the dream trying to think of an equally playful e-mail and hoping he'd actually write me back again. Those weren't very good dreams, yet they were very peaceful for some reason. They make me miss him even more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 Trying to fight against your feelings, is the surest way to make them worse. Instead you need to embrace them. You need to cry, vent your anger and come out the other side cleaner than you went in. Trying to hold the feelings in, surrounding yourself with friends and doing your best to stay happy, only leaves the feelings unresolved. They will rot inside you, making you feel worse for so much longer than you should. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted May 24, 2007 Author Share Posted May 24, 2007 I have so much more free time on my hands, it's amazing. I don't know what to do with myself. When I was with him I always felt pressed for time, because I spent a lot of it with him and didn't have much left over. Now I'm sitting here trying to find something to do to waste time so I don't fall asleep. I'm going to take some summer classes, hopefully get into something artful and start swimming again. Water always relaxes/calms me. Today was alright. Spent some time at Tim Hortons with my friends, so that was nice. Thinking about taking a weekend trip. I need one, but I don't know if I'm up for it physically yet. Also not sure if I'll be able to get my friends to tag along, since they have no monies. We'll see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted May 25, 2007 Author Share Posted May 25, 2007 "I wish there was a painkiller to take your pain away." One of my friends said this to me. He has no idea how much it meant to me, how much it comforted me to know someone cared enough to say something like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted May 25, 2007 Author Share Posted May 25, 2007 I just got off the phone with the same guy. He hasn't been feeling well lately so I told him I hoped he felt better soon. And he said, "I'll feel better when you smile." Aww. How sweet. Makes me feel good, but at the same time reminds me of things like that my ex used to say. I'm heading off to bed, got my ex/my friend on my mind... I wonder what I'll dream tonight. Pray to God that no bad dreams... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted May 26, 2007 Author Share Posted May 26, 2007 Day Three Made it through day three. Woohoo! Lots of things happened today, but I already rambled about them to Locke and I'm too tired to recap. Well, I guess I could do a small recap... Had fun at school, Went shopping, Ex changed his name to something happy, Was finally able to delete him from MSN (still checking the folks who added me list though) Had fun watching COHEED AND CAMBRIA DVDS WOOHOO!!! Met some new friends tonight. So... that's about it. Good day overall, going to bed in pain though, not sure how well that'll go. Goodnight all. I survived day three. Yay. =) My friend told me he hopes I wake up with a smile tomorrow. Aww. =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jvc21 Posted May 26, 2007 Share Posted May 26, 2007 hey, keep it up. You're doing great for your third day. We're all here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted May 27, 2007 Author Share Posted May 27, 2007 Day Four Thank you, JVC. =) So, today went pretty well. My ex IMed me and told me he was doing great, told me what he'd be doing and all that jazz. I was happy to hear from him, but at the same time it set me back because I'm back to hoping/wishing he'll talk to me instead of moving on from that. I went on a huge shopping spree today, going again tomorrow. Making myself look pretty and all that jazz to keep myself happy. I'm kind of hoping my ex doesn't contact me for awhile, because then I can get over hopes he'll want to be friends again and/or want me back and start to heal. However, I'm not gonna ask him not to talk to me. I don't have the heart to do that. It's a little bit harder not having him on MSN but still hoping he'll contact me, because I don't know when he's online and not talking with me, or if he isn't there at all. I hate wondering over it at all, because I think, "Stop waiting around for him, he's probably out having fun and not even thinking about you." Which of course makes me feel worse. It sucks, I was able to get him off my mind until he talked to me. Now I can't stop thinking about him and wondering what he's up to. A part of me hopes he'll call me, but that probably isn't gonna happen. I'm going to bed really early tonight, gotta get up early to travel for the shoppingness. Hope I have nice dreams and he does, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted May 28, 2007 Author Share Posted May 28, 2007 Day Five Ex is really confusing me. Making this a lot harder. Not really in the mood for talking in detail about it, but suffice it to say today went very well aside from the confusion. Had a random guy call me sexy. That was interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted May 29, 2007 Author Share Posted May 29, 2007 Day Six My ex... the only person who can lift up my spirits, and subsequently shatter them in the course of 24 hours. Damn him. How could I have actually let myself think he still had feelings for me? I shouldn't kid myself. It hurts, it hurts so bad, and I don't understand why he'd do that. Talk to me and then change his mind about it. Tell me he loves me and then delete me and just not talk to me. Why, why would he do that? Why would he hurt me again? Maybe he's just paying me back for hurting him. I guess I deserve it anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 No one deserves to be hurt... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted May 30, 2007 Author Share Posted May 30, 2007 Day Seven Wow... so it was one week today that we broke up. On a Tuesday? Today started off terrible, got through the day fine but now that it's night I find myself missing my ex. I wonder why he talked to me and then just stopped. I don't understand it, and I wonder if I did something wrong. Thank you Locke, you've really helped me a lot through this. I must admit that him (my ex) talking to me and then stopping seemed to hurt a lot more than the break up did. But maybe that's just because the initial days of spending time with people and making sure I was always out are coming to an end, as I must get back to school, etc. Fortunately the end of school is around the corner, and I want to really get out more and find some things to do. So... hopefully tomorrow is filled with less thoughts of my ex than today was. For some reason when he said, "I love you," it really put him on my mind again. Not that he wasn't already, but... just more intense and typical break up emotions, rather than what I was experiencing before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted June 1, 2007 Author Share Posted June 1, 2007 Day Ten Wow, I can't believe it's been ten days. That's a pick-me-upper, didn't think I'd last this long. Yesterday was great and the day before it was alright. I still wake up missing my ex like crazy. I wish we could have still been friends. Hopefully this weekend goes alright. I don't have much planned other than trying to meet some new people. Next week is the last week of school, so I should be studying for exams but I probably won't. I tend to study the day of the test, but I still do fine because it's fresh in my head. Still going through "want him back" and "don't want him back" phases. I still want him back eventually, just wasn't the right time for both of us. I'm depressed this morning, but hopefully I'll feel better as the day progresses. I've learned that the less time I spend doing nothing, the less pain I feel. So I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 Hang tough kid! You're doing just fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted June 2, 2007 Author Share Posted June 2, 2007 Thanks, Locke. =) I have a wisdom tooth growing in. It hurts to do things like eat and smile and laugh and talk at times. On the flip side, it makes me a lot more aware of how often I smile and laugh, which is a good amount considering the recent break up and all. Remember that vacation I mentioned earlier? Well I still want to go somewhere. I don't want to just not go on vacation. I've been thinking of going to Mall of America instead. Hopefully I can find something to do other than just the mall as well, since it closes at 9:30. (I thought a mall like that would at least stay open late...) We'll see how that goes. Our anniversary would have been exactly one week and one day from now. I must admit I fear that day. I'm afraid I'll have an emotional break down because of it. On the other hand, I could be just fine. I continue to surprise myself over what affects me and what doesn't. Significant things like our "first kiss" song I can listen to without feeling sad, yet when someone goes like he used to do I get choked up. Odd. I'm feeling lonely tonight. I asked two people to go to the movies with me and they said no. So I'm stuck here on Friday night being on the internet, which really sucks because the less I'm doing the more I'm thinking about him and feeling sad. Plus I think, "He's probably out having fun with his friends right now." and I don't want to be sitting at home alone while he's out having fun. I am going to the movies tomorrow night, so hopefully that'll be fun. I'm also going to the dentist, so maybe he can give me some painkiller for this tooth so that I can eat the movie theatre fries and Mt. Dew. I'm a little sad that I'm not going through the whole "wisdom tooth" thing with my ex. I know that even though it's something little like a toothache, he'd be really sweet and concerned for me. I remember a few years ago a friend of mine had hers pulled and her friends surprised her with a visit to see how she was doing. And I'm scared that no one will do that for me. I think writing in this is making me sad when I was doing alright, so I'm going to stop now. I'm really hoping that I can plan more outings with my friends this summer, but it seems like it's becoming increasingly harder after the first week of break up. I almost feel like we went out and did so many things as a result of the initial heartbreak, but now that some time has passed I'm on my own. I feel selfish for thinking that way, because I know they have lives too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted June 2, 2007 Author Share Posted June 2, 2007 Day Eleven So I was randomly invited to a sleepover tonight. I'm really excited about the sleepover. At the same time, I'm kind of sad... not about the sleepover, but because I'm so used to calling my bf and telling him I won't be in tonight, and where I'm going and for how long so that he won't worry. So... it's weird just getting up and going. I want to share the excitement with my ex, but I can't. It makes the break up all the more real to me, because it was something so common (letting him know if I was going away and such) and then all of a sudden it's... not there. Even though we've been broken up for over a week now my first thought after being invited was to call him and go, "Guess what honey, I'm going " And then it's like... Oh wait, I can't do that anymore. It's a form of moving on in a way, because I'm going out for fun and not just trying to be around my friends as much as possible so I don't think about my ex. So it's like... wow, I'm actually going out for reasons that have nothing to do with my ex. That's new. Hopefully when I'm there I can just have fun and forget about my ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted June 2, 2007 Author Share Posted June 2, 2007 I forgot to mention: My dentist told me I had beautifully straight teeth. She said she was jealous. My DENTIST is jealous of my teeth. Now that made me feel good. =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted June 3, 2007 Author Share Posted June 3, 2007 Day Twelve I'm happy. Hanging out with my friend was AMAZING, and my ex and I have decided to be friends again. All is well. Exams tomorrow. =( Oh, and it's storming, and I can take pictures, so that's pretty neat too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted June 18, 2007 Author Share Posted June 18, 2007 Day Twenty-Seven Wow, so it's been almost a month already. If my counting was right, that is. I've been avoiding writing in this because I didn't want to have to figure out how long it'd been since we've been broken up... I thought it would depress me. To be honest it's actually very uplifting, to know that I could survive almost a month without him. Nice. A lot has been going on with me. For starters, up until a few days ago I've been doing amazing. I met this guy in driving class and am hoping to get his number tomorrow. He's boring - but it's a start. Speaking of driving class, a former student decided to give us all a "treat" the other day and flash the entire class. I didn't see his "goodies" - I was too busy looking at his sunglasses. Everyone was looking and laughing and someone mentioned sunglasses, so I naturally thought that's what everyone was looking at. They were pretty goofy. I'm glad I was spared the... other part of the show. My ex and I decided to be friends with benefits, but after a week or so I decided that wouldn't work for me. Haven't told him yet, he hasn't made a move on me so there's been no need to. Also almost ended up "more than friends" with a good friend of mine, but it was way too awkward and we both stopped before anything significant happened. A good friend of mine also died recently, and since then I've been in shambles. It's been hard to pick myself up and continue to be happy... I was doing fairly well at getting out, being social, controlling my eating, and all in all doing the things I knew would make me happy and be able to survive this break up. I just don't have the will to anymore though. I'm going to try my best to force myself to still get out though, because I can already see that staying in, doing nothing and being sad is having a really big negative effect on me. Especially since my ex seems to be getting out more - I don't want to be less social than he is. One of my big motivators for trying to get on with my life after her death is that I don't want to be the one staying at home and being sad while my ex is out having all the fun. Right now I am too exhausted to do much of anything. I have made myself sick with eating too much. But I am hoping that tomorrow will be better, and that I will pick myself up and do the things I need to do to keep growing and moving forward. I say tomorrow but there is still hope for today. I'll probably end up napping for a few hours, but this means I'll be up late at night and have a chance to read up on some self improvement books. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 Day Twenty Eight So I just found out that my favourite singer who I've been dying to meet did an autograph signing in the state RIGHT NEXT TO MINE last weekend. Why, why didn't I check the news? ;_; It would have been SO easy and convenient to go. I did absolutely nothing that weekend, my parents weren't working and could have taken me... Rawr. I am sadz0rz. Not to mention it started on Friday, the first day AFTER my driving lessons. So basically the 15th to the 17th was like a weekend to me, because I had no responsibilities and nothing to do. And I could have easily gone to see my mostest favouritest singer in the world IN PERSON. And gotten an autograph. Man, I am pissed. I need to check the site more often or sign up for a newsletter or something. Ah well, next time I'll get to meet them. And hopefully there is a next time that would have been that convenient. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted June 21, 2007 Author Share Posted June 21, 2007 Day Thirty I survived one month! Wooohoo! And to celebrate this one month anniversary, I have acquired a new phone number. (Okay I lied, it wasn't really in any type of celebration, just happened to get it one day before the one-month "anniversary." I will refer to this guy as "Caeleb" from now on. I realized that I've been pretty vague, so I've decided to assign fake names to my friends. Deceased friend - Marissa Good guy friend who I almost hooked up with - Seth Really sweet guy friend who won't stop flirting with me - Kevin Lesbian friend - Alexis Other lesbian friend who I have a tiny crush on - Christine Ex boyfriend - Todd Movie friend - Andrea There. Now hopefully I can actually remember these names, I used O.C names to try to make them easier to remember for me. Kind of sad when I get my own friend's fake names mixed up. xD Here are my top three favorite names at the moment: Christine Wilhelmina Josephine Yeah, just a random little tidbit of information. Nothing exciting really going on in my life right now. Today is the last day of driving school, and there will be no notes. Yay! We're all bringing food, so I'm not going eat until I can get there so I can pig out and not feel guilty. Hopefully I can pick up The Armoury Wars today. I tried yesterday and the day before (just in case they came in early), to no avail. In ten days or so I need to ask Todd if he's still interested in vacationing with me. If not, I might just city-hop and see Dream Theater three times. I want to visit London, but I'm not sure if I can pull that off with a month's planning. I'm excited about Caeleb. I'm thinking about calling him today to see if he can go to the movies with Andrea and Alexis, but I'm not certain I'm confident enough to call him the day after I got his number, especially since I'm going to see him in driving school. Talk about awkward. I might wait until next weekend and try to plan something, because that way my hair will be done (getting it done Saturday) and I can have a few extra days to touch base with him a few times on the phone. I hated how uneventful getting his number was. The conversation literally went like this. Me: "Hey, can I have your number?" Caeleb: Me: Oh * * * *, he's not going to give it to me. Caeleb: Home or cellphone? Me: Cellphone. Caeleb: Me: Caeleb: Me: What was it again? Caeleb: Me: Thanks. Now I do realize that posting the following exchange would mean that if Caeleb was reading his he'd automatically know who it was... but that's okay, I don't think Caeleb reads this anyway. And soon... soon he will forget the entire exchange... Buahahahaha! Yeah... I'm in a good mood today. And... I forgot what I was going to say. Thus ends today's entry. Will Milk & Caeleb go to the movies Friday?! Will Milk chicken out and wait until next weekend?! Will they go anywhere at all?! Find out next time on... "Dear Diary, I'm here to stay!" (Which means they probably won't go to the movies... Har har, bad joke there.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk You Posted June 21, 2007 Author Share Posted June 21, 2007 I'm starting to feel like my own person instead of an extension of Todd. This is a good feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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