spunkmaster Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 So I guess I should give him kudos for calling...although his apology was lame, and his reasons...fishy...at best. At least he made the effort. And we talked for a while. It was nice. He's also acquired a cat. Says it just "ended up in his truck" which I also think is a load of BS, but eh...not my problem right now. I'm feeling a little down about everything today. My roomie and I have decided that our new house is cursed relationship-wise, because both of us are having some MAJOR issues in our love lives. We're also writing a book, something to the effect of how to treat/how not to treat your girlfriend. We're going to make copies and give them to every guy we see. Ok, not really every guy, but at least our bf's. Or ex's. Whatever the hell they are, seeing as neither of us really knows right now if we're single or not. So, back to posting song lyrics. I'm a HUGE Amber Pacific fan. I had forgotten all about this song, but I found the cd earlier and was listening to it, and came accross this song. It made me cry, not going to lie. The lyrics fit perfectly for me at the moment....so here it is: "IF I FALL" This is for the ones who believe their lives won't change Hoping that someday things will mend and be the same And this is for the ones who have lost it all And all that's left to gain Is a simple reminder that the things that we're blind to slip away How can I say Say I'll be okay? And if I fall through these days that go by without cause Just a painful mistake has left me here on my own And if I fall through these nights I can't seem to go on Just a sign that you're with me gives me the strength to hold on Now that the line's been broken I'm too afraid to just look back The pages have left an empty space You were all I had Why does it have to be this way? These things they'll never change Still I'm left with knowing, content and happy, this is all I need And if I fall through these days that go by without cause Just a painful mistake has left me here on my own And if I fall through these nights I can't seem to go on Just a sign that you're with me gives me the strength to hold on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spunkmaster Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 So I just listened to another song that I can relate to. I *heart* Pearl Jam! This song reminds me of how I know what's best...but still can't entirely walk away from the way he made me feel...not to mention the fact that we've broken up and gotten back together MORE than once. But I know I can find better. He's made that blatantly obvious. "BETTER MAN" Waitin, watchin the clock, its four oclock, its got to stop Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech As he opens the door, she rolls over... Pretends to sleep as he looks her over She lies and says shes in love with him, cant find a better man... She dreams in color, she dreams in red, cant find a better man... Cant find a better man Talkin to herself, theres no one else who needs to know... She tells herself, oh... Memories back when she was bold and strong And waiting for the world to come along... Swears she knew it, now she swears hes gone She lies and says shes in love with him, cant find a better man... She dreams in color, she dreams in red, cant find a better man... She lies and says she still loves him, cant find a better man... She dreams in color, she dreams in red, cant find a better man... Cant find a better man She loved him, yeah...she dont want to leave this way She feeds him, yeah...thats why she'll be back again Cant find a better man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spunkmaster Posted June 11, 2007 Author Share Posted June 11, 2007 Haven't updated in a while. Haven't had anything to add. I haven't talked to him since Friday, because he's being a stupid ass and carrying on talking about the suicide thing. HE called ME ranting and raving about how mad he was and how he was ready to crash his truck into a wall and just die. I told him I didn't know what to say, and he said "how about goodbye?" I still couldn't come up with anything, so he said he'd just let me go and hung up on me...which he knows pisses me off. So I called him back and got his voicemail and left him a nice message basically saying "I care for and love you, but you're being stupid, so if you want a goodbye, here ya go." I wish I hadn't left it like that, but I promised myself I wouldn't call him...so we'll see when/if he calls me again. I wonder if this is some sort of whacked out way that he thought up to get me out of his life forever. I would have thought that he'd be a bit more careful on the subject of suicide given the fact that I had an ex send me a suicide e-mail (classy, I know). But w/e. If this is his way of getting me permanently out, I'm gone. He didn't need to go this far. I've finally made up my mind. I've thought about everything, and I've realized....he's never going to be the person that I want him to be, unless he wants to be that person. And I don't think he does. So that's that. I realize that it's best for me to walk as far away from the emotional blackhole as I can. I don't want him completely out of my life forever...just push him away like he's pushed me away until I can fully say that Ive moved on, and then we can work on a friendship. In other news (since I haven't put any other news except for him in this journal so far) I went to my family reunion over the weekend. It was pretty boring, but I'm glad I went. I was glad to get the chance to spend time with my family. I didn't fully realize how much I missed my dad until I saw him. And my nieces/oldest nephew are staying with my 'rents for the summer! I hadn't seen them in a couple years, so it was exciting to see how much they'd grown up. Except it makes me feel old lol! And I started my new job this past week! I like it so far, except the shirt is uber-ugly. But I'll deal. Speaking of work, I gotta work in the AM, so I guess I'm done for the night! Peace out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spunkmaster Posted June 12, 2007 Author Share Posted June 12, 2007 He called me today. He sounded very chipper. It was odd after the last convo we had. He had sent me an IM this AM, but I didn't have time to answer, as I was getting ready for work. So I finally replied after I got off work, and he called. I noticed that his away message said "good memories can save your life." All he'd say when I asked about it was that it was from a movie, and that it was the truth. So I dunno what's going on with that, but I guess he's over the suicide kick. For now. He asked if I wanted to go with him for a week...he even gave me a compliment (odd, but nice none the less) and said that I was the only one he could stand to be around for a week straight without wanting to hit them. I think it was meant as a compliment, not too sure though. Anyways, I brought up the whole wanting to go with him first...but I don't think he was saying it just to be nice. I think he meant it. But I dunno. Again, we'll see. I have a new song today. Oddly enough, I was listening to it when he called, and he knew what it was and liked it too! So we're both on a break-up song kick I guess. Anywho... "OVER" by Evans Blue You better crawl on your knees the next time you say that you love me fall on your knees, cuz this time I won't be so kind can't you see that this is life and life is killing me is it yours? is it mine? our sky fell down tonight, to wash away our pain tell me, over and over and over and over and over again it never was time for us, it never was time to let me in show me, over and over and over and over and over again it never was time for us, it never was time to let me in you better see how evil you can be when you see my evil smile it's the one that you'll remember when I am not so kind can't you see that this is death and death is saving me I say burn all your bridges while you still have control of the flame I know it's hard but you... tell me, over and over and over and over and over again it never was time for us, it never was time to let me in show me, over and over and over and over and over again it never was time for us, it never was time to let me in you've hardened to the point you're hard and to the point Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spunkmaster Posted June 13, 2007 Author Share Posted June 13, 2007 I don't understand how he can start calling me pet names again, ask me to go with him for a week, tell me he wants to spend time with me....and then in the next breath say he wouldn't sleep in the same bed with me. Have we gone back to the beginning of our relationship, before we started dating? Just the talking, etc? That hardly seems plausible. UGH. I will never understand men. 75% of me realizes I should walk away from him, and realize that my love life is better off if he's not a part of it...that I need to start dating new people, getting out, etc. The other part of me LONGS FOR HIM. To the point that I physically hurt. I'm reminded of the song "Patience" by GNR. (from verse 2) Sit here on the stairs 'Cause I'd rather be alone If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear Sometimes, I get so tense But I can't speed up the time But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider Said woman take it slow Things will be just fine You and I'll just use a little patience Said sugar take the time 'Cause the lights are shining bright You and I've got what it takes to make it We won't fake it, Oh never break it 'Cause I can't take it Yes, back to the crappy, sappy love songs. ACK! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spunkmaster Posted June 18, 2007 Author Share Posted June 18, 2007 SO....wow. We spent Saturday and Sunday together. It was basically like playing house, since it was just the two of us. It felt great. I let him make all the first moves at his own pace...I hope this is a step in the right direction, instead of a step closer to the edge of heartbreak. He kisses me like he loves me. He just won't say it. We were talking to the owner of a small store, and he asked us if we were married, to which we said no. Then the guy asked if we were dating...and we just kind of looked at each other for a few seconds. I wish I could've read his mind in that instant. Then we ran into an old friend of Shane's, and I was introduced, whatever. As we were leaving, a comment was made by the friend that Shane needed a girl like me to keep him in line, and to make sure he doesn't let me go...to which he replied "You're right, no doubt." I wonder what that means too. I honestly feel this weekend was a good step for us on the path to getting back together. But if not, I'll be ready for it. Although he's started making small references to things that we'd do together in the future. So I'm still in a state of confusion, but at least I'm still on cloud 9 from having my cuddle buddy back, at least for the night. I wish I hadn't of had to work, and hadn't of had to leave. I wish he was still here. I wish I could see the future. Oh well. Que sera, sera. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spunkmaster Posted June 22, 2007 Author Share Posted June 22, 2007 He wants to give it another go I think. I think I do, too. I'm scared as hell it's all going to go out the window again. The one thing I keep asking myself: can I trust him? I don't know. We'll see. I'm just going to keep rolling with the tide. Come what may. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spunkmaster Posted July 6, 2007 Author Share Posted July 6, 2007 I would just like to say for the record that men drive me crazy. He still doesn't know what he wants. And he still thinks it's unfair of him to be dragging me thru this mess. Last weekend was pretty good. Could have been better...but could have been a lot worse, too. He was supposed to be here this weekend for my party. He still could be...it's all up to him. I guess we'll see. After our tiff this afternoon, who knows? I hope so...but that's all I can do. Hope. To call, or not to call. That is the question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spunkmaster Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 hmm...yeah, it's been a while. Soo much to update on! YAY for finally having internet back in the apartment! S and I are over. In retrospect, it's been over for a while, and I really am better off this way. There are no hard feelings. I'm kinda sad about it, but I'm not nearly as upset as I thought I'd be. Maybe it's because I can admit to myself that this has been a long time coming...maybe it's because I've got other things to devote my attention to. I dunno. Love stinks though. I've decided that. Someone from the not so distant (although pre-S) past messaged me a few days ago. We dated. It was bad. He wants to try and patch up our friendship and see what can come of it. I dunno. I'm leery. I went up and saw him a couple days ago. That was the first time we'd seen each other in more than 1.5 years. It was veeeeeeeery very awkward. And after 30 minutes with him I could already remember all the old things about him that annoyed me. Turns out they still do. Although both of us professed to have changed a ton in the last 2 years, neither of us seem to be able to show it. I don't know what I want to come of this, but it's nice to repair at least a friendship with K. Work...is work. It sucks. I should be starting back at the paper in a few weeks though, so that'll at least be good. I'm not looking forward to school starting up again. I want all my friends/sisters to come back, but I'm definitely not ready for classes to start yet. This summer has gone way too fast. So I guess that's my update of the last month...in a nutshell anyways. Hopefully I'll be back to stay this time!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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