Why can't life be wonderful again?

[spunkmaster]

That's all I've been able to think of all day, that song by...I can't remember who, which is funny cuz I remember the name of the album is "Songs from an American Storybook, part 2" and I can't remember the band. Sad kinda.

 

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what I wanted. Part of me knows I'd be better off without him and the emotional rollercoaster that his job and BPD puts us through. But the other part of me loves him and wants to do what it takes to make things right.

 

I wish he would tell me what he wanted. Or, to rephrase...I wish he'd tell me what he wanted besides time to clear his head, and figure out what he wants.

 

It would be so much easier if he'd just say..."I want time to screw around, try out different people." or something like that. The truth.

 

I wish the awkward silence at the end of our phone calls wasn't there. That little 5 second gap between the "I'll talk to you later" and "Bye" where the I love you's usually go. I want so badly to just rant and tell him everything.

 

I wish he would have asked how I was doing when I told him that I'd been in the hospital and had a miscarriage, instead of just the "That's probably for the best." Would it have killed you to ask how I was doing? No. I understand that it may be hard for you to handle, S. But put yourself in my shoes for a second. I feel like such a freaking FAILURE. I didn't even KNOW. And the doctors say it was probably the stress of what was going on at the time, combined with moving that was to blame.

 

I want to hate you so bad, S. for your not being there for me Sunday and Monday. On Mother's day...of all days for something like that to happen. And i can't, because I love you too much.

 

I wish I knew if this was the end for us, instead of this just dragging out into oblivion. I don't know what you want from me. I don't even know what I want from me. Or from us.

 

*sigh*

 

Why does being a grown up have to suck so bad sometimes? I wish life could be easy again. When the hardest choices you had to make was who to sit with at lunch, or who was going to be your prom date.

 

But wait...life was never that easy for me. I take on so much for myself, I keep life from being easy.

 

I am the patron saint of lost causes.

 

People come to me with their problems. I guess that's why my sisters think I'll make a good president for Delts next semester. But what about me? Who do I go to with my problems? Oh yeah, that's right...the one person I talk to is the one person who I feel I can't talk to anymore without it being awkward, because he doesn't know his head from his butt anymore.

 

I keep getting the urge to cut; I keep fighting it. I don't know why I think it'll help make me feel better. I think it's because I know I need to feel the pain to know that I'm still alive. That's such a depressing thought; but I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all I guess.

 

I've been reduced to quoting songs; oh, the irony. I can relate everything in my life to music.

 

"Here's the girl you were after...can you say that you don't love her anymore?"

 

"You're sick of feeling numb...you're not the only one."

 

"I know I'm not the one you thought you knew back in high school...it's none of your concern, I guess you'll never learn. I'm sick of being told to wait my turn."

 

"Cant I take away all this pain? I try to every night, all in vain...Sometimes I cannot take this place, sometimes its my life I cant taste. Sometimes I cannot feel my face; Youll never see me fall from grace."

 

This list could go on for a while, but I guess that pretty much sums it up.

 

I should stop ranting and get back to work now I suppose.

[spunkmaster]

So the saga continues. The awkwardness on the phone. The pretended non-chalance. Your little freudian slip about "home" being St. Louis has me worried. I know about Christina. You don't know I know, but I do. That's where she is. I wonder if you've ever slept with her. If you ever will. I wonder what exactly she means to you. I wonder why you sent her money. I wonder a lot of things.

 

I had a crazy dream last night, that you had come home and we were fighting. But even though I really am shorter than you, in my dream, I was a LOT shorter than you. Apparently, my sub-conscious recognizes things that I can't see in my waking life.

 

I'm tired of you making me feel small and insignificant when we argue. I never realized that you did that to me, until I thought about it after I woke up. I feel like you never listen to me. Like you hear what I'm saying, but you don't LISTEN to what I'm saying. There's a big difference. And I realized a few other things too. Like I have no reason to be apologizing or trying to make things right when it was YOU who started this whole episode. Why should I be the only one fighting for us while you take time to "clear your head" and "get things figured out." It shouldn't work that way. It DOESN'T work that way...at least not in normal relationships.

 

Why do I cling to this so badly? Maybe I'm afraid of being single again. Or that I won't find someone else with the kindness that I see in your eyes. Or, rather, used to see. (back to quoting song lyrics; go figure.) I had thought that the whole "we're engaged" thing gave us a little more gumption when it came to not breaking up. I guess I thought maybe you'd be a little more willing to work out any problems that came up, since ya know...you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Or maybe you just thought you had to come up with something good so you could win that bear and not have to buy me a V. Day/anniversary present. I could have done without; if you didn't mean it, I'd really rather you hadn't asked.

 

You SAY that you DID mean it, so why all of this all of a sudden? I think maybe it was a step we weren't ready for. I thought I was, until you pulled all this. Now, not only are YOU questioning everything, so am I. How is that fair?

 

I miss you so much. Three weeks I haven't seen you, as of tomorrow. You tell me you miss me. You won't tell me you love me. As the night closes in, that's the only thing I can think of. I know you care for me. Do you really love me? If you do, then why isn't that enough? It's been enough before...what makes now any different?

 

I've never been so hurt in my entire life. I don't have the heart to tell anyone that we're fighting/broken up, other than my roommate, and that's only because I can't really keep it from her.

 

I know that whatever will be, will be. And that I can only control VERY few things in my life; you are not on that list. I fully realize that. She tells me to just chill and let things flow; she doesn't know everything. No one ever will. I can't tell anyone; this is something I feel that I must face alone. The more people know, the more unsolicited opinions I get, and you know I hate that. If I ask for opinions, that's great. I'll listen to whatever you have to say; DON'T force them on me. I'm great at giving advice usually, but I'll be danged if I can take it.

 

Your mom thinks I'm better off without you. That I can do sooo much better. Why can't people just see? I love you, despite your flaws. Because of them maybe. I can't deal with this much more. It's driving me insane. I've never felt more alone in my entire life. Even when surrounded by people, I feel insignificant and alone.

 

I cut today. Just to see if it would help. It's not much, more of a little nick really. But I did feel better, for a while. And then you called. I guess I really am a pretty good liar. You believe I'm fine. I'm still hurt that you haven't asked me how I'm handling what happened last weekend. It's been almost a week. I still cry when I think about it.

 

I wish I could see you. Kiss you. Hold you. Have you hold me. We thought trucking would be good for you; in a sense, it is. It sucks that what's good for you is apparently bad for US. We've talked about this before. It works for me, but you think it's unfair. Who is it more unfair to, Shane? Me? Or you?

 

Was I really that far out of line when I said all I expected out of you was monogamy? Yeah, you told me you haven't cheated, and maybe it's me being paranoid about my last two serious SO's having cheated...but something isn't right. And even if you haven't been cheating physically, an emotional affair is just as bad. Worse maybe.

 

I just don't understand. I feel like I'm slowly losing my grip on everything, and one day...I'll have lost it all. And nobody will be there. And nobody will care. Or those who are will say "I told you so."

 

I hate it when theyr'e right.

 

:sad:

[spunkmaster]

Since I seem to be relating so well to music, I think today's entry will be song lyrics, because they say how I'm feeling better than I ever would be able to.

 

Def Leppard

"Long, Long Way To Go"

 

You held my hand and then you slipped away

And I may never see your face again

So tell me how do I fill the emptiness inside?

Without love, what is life?

 

And anyone who knew us both can see

You always were the better part of me

I never wanted to be this free

All this pain, does it go away?

 

Then every time I turn around

And youre nowhere to be found

I know I got a long, long way to go

Before I can say goodbye to you

Oh, I got a long, long way to go

Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew

To you, to you

 

From memory, there is no hiding place

Turn on the tv and I see you there

In every crowd theres always someone with your face

Everywhere, trying not to care

 

Then every time I turn around

And youre nowhere to be found

I know I got a long, long way to go

Before I can say goodbye to you

Oh, I got a long, long way to go

Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew

 

To you, I wish you everything

And all the best that life can bring

I only hope you think of me sometimes, oh

And even though I feel the pain

I know that I will love again

The time will come, oh, and Ill move on

 

I got a long, long way to go

Before I can say goodbye to you

Oh, I got a long, long way to go, got a long way to go

Before I can say goodbye, before I say goodbye

To all I ever knew, to all I ever knew

I got a long, I got a long, long way to go, long way to go

Before I can say, before I say, goodbye to you

Say goodbye, say goodbye

Oh, I got a long, long way to go

Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew

Girl, I wish you the best I know, oh and all of the rest, to you

I got a long, long way to go

Before I can say goodbye to you

 

 

 

And this song...it reminds me of us. The things we've said. Some parts are you talking to me; others are me talking to you. But it still fits. And no, I'll never be able to hate you.

 

Blue October

"Hate Me"

 

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me?

It is I that wanted space

 

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

 

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

 

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with

The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again

In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take

So I’ll drive so f***king far away that I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

 

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

 

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

And like a baby boy I never was a man

Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

 

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

For you

 

If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,

if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.

I can't believe you actually picked me

 

Today wasn't such a good day.

 

I miss you so much, and want to see you. But at the same time, I don't know what I'd do if I did see you. I want to slap some sense into you, for putting me...us...through this crap. I just want to know if I should keep holding on, or move on and start over again, Is that too much to ask for??!!

 

Or you to ask how I'm doing. That'd be nice too. I'd settle for that.

 

ugh. Life, you're such a b****.

[Locke2121]

*turns down the lights, starts Neon Moon, puts Spunk's arms around neck and starts to dance*

 

Remember, a smile is just a song away.

[spunkmaster]

Locke, you're my hero.

 

 

 

"The words of every sad song seem to say what I think."

[Locke2121]

*kiss* Close your eyes and dance.

[spunkmaster]

I just want to be free. Free from what, I'm not entirely sure.

 

You said you'd call. You didn't. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep letting you do this to me. WHY?! Why this? Why now? What did I do? Where did I go wrong?

 

Why can't I say the things I need to say to you? Why do the words always catch in the back of my throat. I think this is what choking on my pride feels like.

 

You make me so mad!!!

 

And yet, all I want right now is one of your famous hugs. I don't feel well. Guess it's a good thing I'm going to the dr. tomorrow...although YOU don't know that, because YOU didn't BOTHER to ASK.

 

You don't deserve me, Shane. You won't know what you had until I'm gone. Realize this, before it's too late for both of us.

 

Or maybe, the damage has already been done.

 

I don't know anymore.

 

[spunkmaster]

I had another weird dream last night. It was Fantasia-esque, in that it was made of little mini-movies, and then set to music.

 

It started out that I was moving out of a dorm, and I was packing the last few things. My mom and Robert showed up to help me move. I remember being hungry...and then I'm in the new place. It felt like another dorm, but if it was, it's the weirdest I've ever seen. It was more like an efficiency apartment that had been plopped down in a restaurant.

 

I walk in the room and try to turn on the lights, but there's a padlock on the switch, so I can't. Then I think to myself "I'll find something to eat before I check in." and walk towards the fridge. On the way there, I find tons and tons of soda, like seriously 20 cases. It strikes me as odd, but I grab a half gone bottle and drink it, and shove the rest of it out of the way. I open the fridge, and there is even more soda, and some ham and cheese. I decide to make a ham and cheese sandwhich, so I turn to find some bread. I walk around the fridge to find a short hallway into a walk-in fridge and freezer. I go in there, and I see probably 30 dozen eggs, and trays upon trays of steak and/or chicken. I wonder to myself if someone is getting married, because this is how I want my wedding feast to look.

 

Next, I am looking at the paper. It must have been the Sunday paper, because that's the only day they print my favorite section--the engagement announcements, wedding announcements, and anniversaries. I come accross an engagement announcement for a girl I went to high school with, named Tracy. (In real life, she actually IS engaged, although probably not to the type of guy I saw her with in the picture-he had dreadlocks, etc.) I thought the announcement was weird, because it said she didnt' get a ring from him, so the photographer had given her a ring that was oversized-approximately the size of a bracelet, maybe-and in the picture, she was staring longingly at it, while he was down on one knee giggling up at her.

 

Then Im at the wedding reception. I remember seeing her in a weird, old fashioned-ish dress that was red and ivory. It buttoned all the way up, came down to the knee, and was lacy. I don't remember seeing him. I remember grilling steak-ka-bobs and telling my mom I didn't want the vegetables on it. My steak kept falling off the skewer. My mom said "Now this is how it should be."

 

Then we're in a basement, and there's an earthquake. Someone thought we'd be safest in the basement. I remember someone saying "If I make it through this..." but I don't remember what she said she'd do. I get the feeling they were all rich snobby people. I don't know if they were the same people I was at the wedding party with. I remember someone saying it was a manic earthquake, because it kept rumbling, then it'd stop, then start again. It was like something was pounding on the ground above us. We'd sink lower with each boom, although when the dust cleared, we saw there was no need to.

 

Then it jumps to an overview of a guy swimming in the ocean. A narrator's voice says he only has a mile until he's done, able to get out of the ocean. However, when he gets close, a shark starts chasing him. He does a flip (like a dolphin) to let the shark get ahead of him. It comes back around him, but a few seconds later he's jumping out of the water. The shark comes up the embankment (it looked like one of those runaway truck ramps in the mountains) and he again jumps over it. It goes up into the brush at the top and screeches around as he's walking up. When the guy gets to the top, the shark comes screeching out in front of him and jumps off the cliff back into the ocean.

 

Then it's back to me. I'm in what looks on the outside like my old house. For some reason, I'm sitting out in the yard (I think I was in a silk nightgown, that's what it seemed like) and sorting clothes. I was packing to go somewhere, but I don't remember where. I feel that Shane is inside. An east indian guy comes walking up to me. He's trying to sell me something as I sort the clothes. I refuse him and walk up towards the front of the house. He keeps trying, then lays a guilt trip on me and says "If you were in my shoes, I would buy" and some other stuff that I can't remember. Then he starts to walk off. He stops a foot or so onto the road, and stretches his foot out. Somehow the road has turned to dirt and I can see that he's dug through and found a dead animal. I can do nothing but stand and stare at him. Suddenly he has leaned over and picked up the dead animal (I think it was a cat maybe) and is hurling it; I thought at me, but it ends up sailing right by me and going into some trailer/dumpster thing. At this point I'm scared out of my mind and run towards the front door. I had the sense that he was following me, but he should have caught me, because I kept stumbling and falling. I get into the house and turn to lock the door. I think I remember seeing him on the porch as I go to shut the door. I fumble around and finally manage to get the lock to slide into place, and turn around.

 

There is a man there, and I call him Shane. But he doesn't look like Shane. He's watching tv, and I ask him why he's not packing....then it fades to us in the bedroom. I'm asking him why we're sleeping in different beds when we're married, and point out that even though it is my parents' house, they're not home. And we're MARRIED. And that life isn't about him anymore. Or me. It's about us. He tells me I'm right.

 

Then I'm crouched on the floor, peering under a...almost like a saloon door, but not quite. He (the Shane but not Shane person) is telling me he's home, etc etc and walking in, but while he's walking in, he's dropping rugs. I wonder why, and then I realize I'm suspicious of him, which is why I'm hiding and watching. And sure enough, he's dropping the rugs for a woman to step on to avoid the sound of her heels hitting the hardwood floors. He drops her off in a room, and then goes off to find me, not realizing I'm in the room where she is, which I guess had two doors.

 

She admires herself in front of the mirror. She is shorter, and a little on the chunky side, with about chin length blond hair. For some reason she takes her top off and is playing with herself, or something. She is wearing a girdle or something like it under her top. I walk into the room behind her and she looks surprised, but not overly surprised, kind of like she was expecting to see me. She is taunting me in a sexual sense...something like..."This is what he wants." And I take off my shirt and I'm like no...how can he want you? You don't have a chest at all. (She was rather small chested.) I turn to walk out of the room, and I have a closing remark for her that I say over my shoulder as I walk out of the room. For some reason, I felt the need to say to her "By the way, even with that girdle, your fat is still sticking out." Which is odd because I'd never say something like that, because I'm def not the skinniest person in the world. I remember her having a hurt look on her face, and I felt satisfied.

 

And then I woke up. I can't believe I remember that much of my dream. Especially since I haven't been sleeping well anyways. Mostly because of the dreams. This is the craziest one yet. I think I might have woken myself up at a few points throughout the few hours I was asleep, but I always fell right back asleep and picked up where I left off. Like when he threw the dead cat at me and I ran into the house. I was scared at that point. I could feel it. I think I remember finding the shark incident funny because of the way the guy was jumping, and the narrator. And I felt squished during the earthquake.

 

Maybe I can make heads or tails of this later.

[spunkmaster]

There's another part I just remembered, which is where I got the Fantasia reference to begin with. I think this was before the earthquake, or before the shark guy. I can't exactly remember. I remember there being classical music, and dancing trees that were on fire. Not like flaming fire, but like glowing embers of fire. Like they were lit from within by the embers of a fire. They said something to me, but for the life of me, I can't remember what. And I think it was cloudy at this point.

[Gus Almighty]

Hang in there lady, days go wrong then they get worse. Just remember to live for the times when everythings great again.

 

I myself have trouble finding those good times or rather waiting for them some days.

 

All in all I think you must feel good about who you are before you can solve any one problem you have and feel satisfied with it.

[spunkmaster]

I've decided. I'm nixing the niceties with you. I can't deal with it anymore. I have to figure out how to make you talk to me. If this is the end, then dang it, just tell me. I'm not waiting around anymore. I can't. It's killing me inside. You tell me you miss me; if you wanted to be with me, you'd make me believe it.

 

How am I going to tell everyone? All my friends love you. I don't want them to have pity on me. I don't want to have to tell them at all. I don't want to give you an ultimatum, but you've left me with no other choice. I can't keep worrying about you all the time. I have to find myself in the mess that you left behind.

 

I want you; you know that. You say I was the best thing that ever happened to you. Your own mother even says that. But...I guess it's time to let you go. Like that old saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours." I thought we did this last summer...But I guess I'm being tested again.

 

What do I have to do to deserve some happiness? To find someone who is capable of loving me the way that I love them? I don't believe in half-a**ed loving someone. It's all or nothing. You said you agreed.

 

I took the ring off. It's sad though, because I have a tan line from it, so everyone will know it used to be there. I cried. I cried for you. For the things we lost. What might have been. What could still be.

 

It's never too late to change what might have been. But I don't know if I still want whatever that might be. You say you can't make yourself happy, and thereforeeee, you can't make anybody else happy. If I wasn't happy, then what would you call it? You said you were happy, too. And that if I made you miserable, this probably wouldn't be happening. What kind of sick sense does that make?!

 

I want you to tell me the truth. Tell me you found someone else. Tell me you're tired of me. Tell me about her, whoever she is. I need closure. An ending. Not this...purgatory. I don't want it to end this way. I want to see you one more time, for one last hug. So I can remember the sad goodbye, and not the actual last goodbye we had. That hurts worse than anything else. I want to hear you tell me you love me. If that was ever true at all.

 

I want this pain to go away. I don't want to miss you. I don't want to love you. Not after this. But I just can't help it.

 

How will I ever be able to get over you? I'm never going to be able to forget you. You'll always be at the back of my mind. We went through so much together...your new career; your dad passing away; the emotional baggage. When did it all become too much?

 

 

When did I become not enough?

[spunkmaster]

I came to a realization today.

 

You're not the only guy who will ever want to be with me. I am young, in college, ambitious, President of my sorority, a sports writer, and to top it all off, I'm funny and I have a great personality. I'm what a lot of guys are looking for, provided they can get past the external wrapper that all this stuff comes in. So why the hell should I be so afraid of not finding anyone like you?

 

Yeah, we fit together like bookends when we cuddle. Yeah, all my friends like you. Yeah, you did your best to provide for my every need. Financially anyways. I didn't EVER ask you to get me presents. I asked you to be there for me. That's all. And you kinda suck when it comes to that area, because you are an attention wh*re. If it's not all about you, you create drama until it is. That's fine and dandy most of the time. Sometimes, I just want it to be about me.

 

Like the day I got in that wreck, and you YELLED at me. I didn't even do anything wrong, and I was upset so I called to talk to you, and you had the nerve to yell at ME? What a load of crap.

 

Just so you know (although you never will, cuz I doubt you're going to read this, and I'm sure you won't ask the next time you talk to me) my dr's appt. went fine. I feel like they were aliens prodding my reproductive system with a cattle prod, but I'll be fine. So thanks for asking. *note the sarcasm*

 

I don't need you. I DON'T. I may want you...but I certainly don't need you.

 

 

The song of the day: "Radio" by Alkaline Trio

 

Shaking like a dog sh*ttin' razorblades,

waking up next to nothing, after dreaming of you and me

I'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved

while you're taking your time with apologies,

I'm making my plans for revenge

Red eyes on orange horizons

If Columbus was wrong I'd drive straight off the edge

I'd drive straight off the edge

 

Taking your own life with boredom,

I'm taking my own life with wine

it helps you to rule out the sorrow,

it helps me to empty my mind

Making the most of a bad time

I'm smoking the brains from my head

Leaving the coal calling the kettle black and orange and red

This kettle is seeing red

 

I've got a big fat f***in' bone to pick with you, my darling

In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying

I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you,

plugged in and ready to fall

 

Shaking like a dog sh*ttin' razorblades,

waking up next to nothing, after dreaming of you and me

Waking up all alone, waking up so relieved

while you're taking your time with apologies,

I'm planning out my revenge

Red eyes on orange horizons

If Columbus was wrong I'd drive straight off the edge

I'm seeing red

 

I've got a big fat f***in' bone to pick with you, my darling

In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying

I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you,

plugged in and ready to fall

 

Plugged in and ready to fall

[spunkmaster]

This is really pathetic. I can't even listen to some of my favorite music right now, because it all reminds me of you and the times we had together.

 

I can't walk by those music booths in Wal-Mart because it reminds me of all the times that you and I danced to them in the middle of the aisle with everyone watching. I loved it when you did that. You made me feel like the only person in the world with you.

 

I'm not talking to you until YOU call ME. I've decided. I just hope my willpower holds out.

 

 

I first dedicated this song to all my senior friends who are graduating...but now, it sadly applies to you as well.

 

 

"For Good" from the musical Wicked

 

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you:

 

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

 

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend:

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a skybird

In a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you:

 

I have been changed for good

 

And just to clear the air

I ask forgiveness

For the things I've done you blame me for

 

But then, I guess we know

There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

 

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun.

Like a stream the meets a boulder halfway through the wood.

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea.

Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood.

 

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better

 

And I have been changed for good.

 

 

 

I hope you know that you carry a piece of my heart with you. Had I ever realized that you put the pieces of my heart back together just to have your chance at smashing it again, I'd have been a lot more careful. And I'd probably have given you some super glue.

[spunkmaster]

So, apparently I have no will power. I called him after a brief little argument with myself: Do I get everything off my chest? Or do I wait for him to make a move? I decided that I didn't want to wait around forever...so I called him.

 

It didn't go so well. He yelled. A lot. And basically said the same things over and over again. I tried to get the answers from him that I'm looking for...nothing. He accused me of hacking his email account. I'm kind of offended actually. I probably could have, but why bother? I don't want to know anymore than I already do. Which granted, isn't much. But even that little bit is more than enough.

 

He told me that SHE's just a friend who's going thru a bad time. I believe him. To an extent. SHE's uber-pretty...yeah, I was nosy and looked up HER myspace. SHE has a daughter. And SHE's old enough to go out with him to bars and random * * * * that he used to do before he met me. And SHE's thinner. And prettier.

 

He keeps saying he wants to disappear. Actually, he says he wants to die. That worries me. He said his life was a big pile of crap. I tried to tell him that his life was what he chose to make of it, and if he wanted to he could change it. He told me to quit trying, to which I told him that trying was the only thing I was good for.

 

He tried telling me what he thought I needed to hear to make me hate him. That he had been screwing around on me since he got his own truck, had a different gf in every state, etc. He said he'd say whatever it took to make me hate him and make it easier on me. I told him that him cheating on me was something I certainly didn't want to hear, as I'd probably end up in the looneybin if he had. I could not deal with dating 3 cheaters in a row. If he had, then it's obviously not a problem with them, but with me...to which he said all men are scum. Nice of him to admit that I guess.

 

I told him all I wanted to hear him say was that he didn't want me anymore. And he said he couldn't tell me that.

 

And then he hung up. Again. For like the zillionth time in the 45 minutes we were talking. He knows how much it ticks me off. I chose not to call him back, as I was crying pretty hard.

 

I don't want to give up hope on him. But he wants me to leave him alone. He's doing his best to push me away.

 

 

 

So away I shall go. Even though I feel like a part of me is dying.

 

 

 

 

"How far do I have to go to make you understand? I want to make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't go on living with the way things are, so I'm going to walk away, but it's up to you to say how far...."

[spunkmaster]

I told Amber. She swears not to tell anyone. Which means everyone will know by the end of the week. But that's ok. I can't believe you had your mom come over to do your dirty work. But I should have expected it, you're still pretty immature like that.

 

I met a guy today. Sort of. He's from Iowa. He told me I was pretty and that I had a sexy voice. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm not ready to jump into anything by any means, but it's nice to have someone to talk to and take my mind off things. He's going through a divorce. He's got two kids. And he's 26. Younger than you. Do I want that baggage? I dunno. You know me. I like fixing people's problems. We'll see what comes of it. I'm not getting my hopes up. I've kind of lost my faith in men and love in general.

 

I was thinking today. Of the last 4.5 years, I've been single for a grand total of maybe 3 months. Maybe less. I am a serial monogamist. I think a little me time is in order. But I hate being lonely. And I don't do the FWB thing...so we'll see.

 

We'll see.

 

On the upside, I have happier lyrics to post today, and they describe exactly how I'm feeling. I'll only post the important parts, for brevity's sake.

 

Defying Gravity from Wicked

 

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes and leap!

 

It's time to try

Defying gravity

I think I'll try

Defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

 

I'm through accepting limits

'Cuz someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy

Defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye!

 

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who'd ground me

Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity

I'm flying high

[spunkmaster]

I feel oddly happy right now. Or not happy, per se...but not miserable and depressed. Which I am glad about. I certainly can't complain, anyway.

 

He's started in with the sad away messages, just like the last time we broke up and got back together. We refused to talk to each other for a week, but we'd both put up sad/depressing away messages to let the other one know how we felt. Currently, his says "when all your wishes are granted, many of your dreams are destroyed." Well, guess what buddy, you walked out on me, not the other way around.

 

So I hope you had fun destroying both of our dreams, if what we had and what was going to be/could have been/whatever was ever really a dream of yours...

 

Now that I've had some time to analyze our relationship, I can see that various aspects of it had worn away. I wish we had seen that earlier. But without honesty, there can be no trust. Without trust, there can be no love. I think there were a few occasions where he wasn't honest with me, which caused my trust in him to wear down. Yeah, I love him. But it hasn't been the same for a while.

 

I can't figure out exactly why that is. I could make it easy and blame it on him starting his new career. The demise of our relationship can certainly be attributed to that; but as for what started the erosion, I really can't say. I know I should just let it go, and move on...but I'd like to learn and prevent it (whatever IT was) from happening in the future.

 

I still love him. I'll willingly admit it. I believe that if you really love/d someone, you never stop loving them. The love you feel changes, and gets less sharp and painful over time, but it's still there. I still love my other exes, but not in a romantic way. I don't want to be back with them. But I still care and want what's best for them.

 

Just like I want what's best for Shane. Even though it kills me to say that because I believe I am what's best for him. I know that feeling will pass, and we'll both move on. But the path he is on worries me. It seems like it's only a matter of time before he self-destructs. But I can't save him from his problems when I can't even save myself.

 

 

That's been a hard lesson to learn.

[spunkmaster]

I feel fine today so far too. Had a much needed girls night last night; or rather girls plus Chris haha. Had some good times, made some good memories, ate some good ice cream.

 

I hardly thought about you at all. Until The Little Mermaid came on, and it made me remember that night after I got done covering a football game and you met me outside work and gave me that bag full of TLM stuff. And the bag that sang. And you looked so happy. And I was happy. I missed those days for the longest time. Even while we were still together.

 

I wonder how you are, where you are...who you'll be with this weekend. If you'll be in town to help your mom. But I haven't asked. I haven't called to find out. Two and a half days and I haven't talked to you. Almost a record.

 

I'm not giving in. I know that if you ever want me back, you'll come to me. Until then, I'm going to have the time of my life. And if that time never comes, at least I wasn't wasting time over you.

 

 

Today's going to be a good day.

[spunkmaster]

I'm feeling a little mean and vindictive today. Don't know why really. I hope he's miserable. And that he realizes what he walked away from. I was doing fine all day until I heard the song "I'll follow you into the dark" by Death Cab for Cutie. He said that song always reminded him of me. I hope it still does.

 

 

 

"If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you, Son. I got 99 problems...but a b***h ain't one." Jay-Z---"99 Problems"

 

Or in my case...YOU aren't one. And right now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

I do still need to get some of my stuff back from him. Not too sure how I'm going to manage that. Guess I'll wait till later in the summer to call him. I don't want to talk to him right now. Hopefully he won't throw my stuff away. I'd have to be even more mad at him then. Not sure if that's possible though.

 

Hmm-the new guy. I don't want to immediately fall into a relationship to have it turn into a mindless rebound. Especially not with all the baggage that both he and I have. I've never dated someone with kids before. Frankly, I'm a little worried. We'll see what happens though. I'm not jumping into anything I'm not ready for.

[spunkmaster]

Hahaha...I just realized...today is Saturday. And it's the first time that it crossed my mind to wonder if you were here in town this weekend. It's def. 9 p.m. Saturday night. If anything, you may have already come and gone. Do I care? Hmm...no, I don't think so. I suppose a small part of me wishes you had come over to see how I was doing, if you were here. But it makes no matter to me, because honestly, I'd probably slap the sh*t out of you and tell you to leave after I made you give me my stuff back.

 

 

You told me you wanted to disappear off the face of the earth the last time we talked. Well guess what, baby? I'm already gone. Guess I beat ya to it.

 

 

I just had ANOTHER realization! I haven't talked to you in three days. And I feel fine.

 

I'm not wasting away without you here. Funny, I always wondered what it would be like if we broke up. I never realized I'd feel....

 

 

LIBERATED. FREE. YOUNG. WILD.

 

and yeah...a little...

 

 

 

HAPPY.

 

More than a little actually.

[spunkmaster]

I couldn't be more mad at him right now. He decides to IM me at 230 in the frickin AM to tell me he'll be here sometime today to get his stuff. And then accuses me of trying to make things hard, when HE is the one being a jerk. Ugh. He wouldn't even tell me when he'd be here, just that he'd let me know today. Like I HAVE all day to wait around on his sorry butt. It's my day off, and I have stuff to do!

 

Needless to say, he's not getting ALL his stuff back on such short notice. I haven't even unpacked all my stuff yet to find all of his stuff. And he's not giving anything of mine back today, so should I really care? Nope. He can throw a hissy fit if he wants, I don't really care.

 

I was doing so well just getting over him. This has been a big setback for me. And I made the mistake of talking to an ex today. We're back to being friends after being broken up for two years. BUT he blatantly came out and said that if he could, he'd try to get me back. I feel bad about it, but I can't ever see myself with him again.

 

"Thanks for the memories...even though they weren't that great."

[spunkmaster]

I am even more confused now than I was before. Honestly.

 

He called, was stiff and unfriendly. Showed up, took his stuff. I walked out and made him talk to me for a few minutes. Then I asked him to get out and give me a hug, which he did, and kissed me on the forehead. Then I asked him to show me how to set up and use something I had recently bought. (yeah, I was stalling for time.) So he comes in and does that. Then he goes to leave, and we go out on the porch. I make him hug me again...but there's a spider, so he kills it for me.

 

Then he comes back and holds my hands, then comes in for another hug. He puts his forehead against mine, and I think to myself "he's going to kiss me, or at least he wants to...do I want him to? What do I do?" so I just stand there and let him decide. He slowly leans in...and kisses me. And it was amazing. I had forgotten how good of a kisser he was. I melted. I kissed him back. I wanted more.

 

We did that for a few minutes. Then I told him I was even more confused than I had been before. He told me I wasn't the only one. He said that he loves me (I said it back) and that he wants me. That I was indeed the best thing that had happened to him. But he didn't deserve me. That his heart was telling him to not be stupid, and to stay...but his head was telling him that it was for the best. And thereforeeee I wasn't the only one that was confused. He's supposed to call back later to talk about what happened.

 

It was awkward at first, but then we started joking around like we always do. He teased me and tickled me like he used to. I think it was so easy before because I hadn't seen him in a month...now it just hurts. I don't know what I want anymore, and I think that's what hurts the most.

 

I guess I should wait to see how it goes when he calls. If we do get back together, then there is going to be a lot of work involved. A lot of changes. Do I want him back? All of him? I know I want parts of him...but can I handle the whole him?

 

 

I can't play the waiting game with him for long. My heart has already been ripped out and stomped on. I can't--won't-- let that happen again.

[spunkmaster]

It's been a few days. He and I have shared some idle chit chat. I asked him what he was confused about. He said he didn't know. * * *?! How can you not know? Either tell me, or tell me you don't want to tell me. Don't tell me you don't know! *heavy sigh*

 

I'll never understand him. I love him though. Still. I just want to see him, and have him hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I miss his kisses, and him telling me he loves me.

 

 

Guess I'm not doing as good as I thought I was.

 

 

But I can do this. I'll wait it out. Give him time to get his head together. I know begging isn't the way. That will drive him further away. So I'll be available, but not too available. Here if he needs me. Let him come to me. After all, he's the one that pulled away, not me.

 

I'll make it through this.

[spunkmaster]

He's going to be in town this weekend. He said he'd loan me tools so I could put my grill together, or he'd do it himself. I'm nervous to be in the same room with him for more than 5 minutes. I don't trust myself not to jump his bones and...yeah. (**note to self--don't shave legs**)

 

I still love him. He's keeping up with the sappy away messages. Today's says "swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart" which is from .45 by Shinedown...which he knows I love. I wonder what his intentions are in doing this. If they are the same as the last time.

 

I wish I knew what he wanted. I wish I knew what I wanted.

 

Oh, and the other guy...yeah. Liar! Said he didn't have a myspace. Sorry bout ya' sir, but I found yours...and your wife's. Who you're supposedly getting divorced from. Well, both of you say you're happily married, so...get it together, man! Don't lie about something that can EASILY be checked out. Sorry 'bout ya!

 

Maybe one day, I'll find a guy who has his act together, isn't a liar, isn't a cheater, and isn't a jerk.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, right...keep dreaming.

[spunkmaster]

Ugh. Men suck. I've decided this. He stood me up. Didn't even bother calling. Frankly, I don't even care to hear his excuse right now. I'm so frickin mad at him. But...I see now where I stand. He is NEVER going to change.

 

We'll see where it goes from here. If we ever talk again. I'm not calling him unless he calls me first. He has been lately. Up until today actually. There's no reason good enough for him to ditch me without calling first. I guess he found a better way to spend his time. So forget that noise.

 

I'm just PO'd that I spent the day waiting around on him. Took the effort to make sure I look nice. Cleaned up around the house. All for nothing.

 

 

I'm worth more than this. Thankfully, I have some dignity and self-respect. NEVER again will ANY man do this to me, or make me feel this way. I feel seriously worthless. And I know that's wrong. I'm not worthless. If he can't see that, oh frickin well for him.

[spunkmaster]

I hate being weak...or nosy, whichever the case may be. I hate myspace. I hate knowing who she is. I looked at her profile. She's still single, but he left her a comment saying he loves her. As a friend? More? UGH....why do I do this to myself? I'm beginning to think every single man in the entire world is a no good D-bag.

 

This is ripping me apart. I can't do it anymore. I'm walking away. For good. Even though it's killing me. I can't deal with it anymore. He didn't bother to call me today either. No apology, no anything. Just stood me up. I shouldn't have expected any different. I hope he's happy.

 

That's a lie. Never mind. I hope he goes thru all the pain that he's put me through...what comes around, goes around. Karma's a b***h after all.

 

If karma really is all that...what did I do to deserve this? I can't handle this anymore. Life in general...it just keeps getting worse and worse. I should be having the time of my life. But no, I'm miserable with a crapload of emotional baggage from guys treating me like crap. How can I give anyone else advice, when I can't even listen to my own? I think I should disappear under a rock. I'd be so much better off away from the world. I couldn't hurt anyone...nobody could hurt me. I'd be lonely, but that's a small price to pay compared to all this pain.

 

I was doing fine...until Saturday. Then I was PO'd. Now I'm just depressed. And lonely. And hurting. I feel like an animal that has crawled off into the woods to die. Sick, tired, and alone.

 

I'll be better off this way though.