Getting closer to reconciliation?????

[houdini]

Ok, new update and I need help with this one bad!!!!

 

 

She emailed me today telling me she tried contacting me over the past few days (email,phone...i never responded) She went on to say in her email that she can take a hint but that she wanted to let m know about my sons dental appt where they had to fix 3 cavities and they were going ot have to put him under anesthesia. I emailed her back and told her I was concerned and we exchanged emails and of course the emails turned into me dating another girl. I told her that I have met people but I'm not looking for anything serious after a long term relationship with her. We exchanged emails back and forth and I finally called her told her that I wanted to know what she really wants from us and do you knwo what her response was????? She said, I had called you the other day cause I wanted to sort things out and I'm sorry I called you, I dont know if I can get over you dating someone else!!!!!

 

 

WHAT THE HECK IS SHE TRYING TO DO TO ME....NOW IM THE BAD GUY!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Now all of a sudden I feel like I'm having to defend myself in moving on with my life after she basically threw the "1001 why I'm breaking up with you" excuses book at me. I told her that she didnt want me, she let me go, that she even told me to move on wiht my life adn date if thats what it takes. Now during our phone conversation we went back and forth, it was like an emotional tug-o-war between us, I told her that I would like for us to work things out and I dont expect anything but I do not want to be her friend, she said "I feel like you're putting me in between a rock and a hard place by giving me an altimatum. I told her I want to see her in person so we can talk and she said she will let me know but that she's a bit scared to see me with all the emotions. She kept bringing up the new girl and I keep defending myself. We're going to talk later tonight and I dont know how to get accross that I did nothing wrong!!!

 

What I want is for us to work things out, how do I explain this to her and also reasssure her that it will ONLY be me and her and there will be no one else involved. Should she give me a difinitve answer as to where we stand, what we're going to do???? and also, if she pulls away and tells me to go be happy with the new girl and that she cant let that go....what do I do????? She seems so wishy washy and I think it might be more of the fact that she's alone and I dont think she'd be doing this if she had someone in her life...I just want to play my cards right and I dont want to play games with her!

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

Thanks,

Houdini

[melrich]

She emailed me today telling me she tried contacting me over the past few days (email,phone...i never responded)

 

 

Let me say, if you have a son together you cannot play that game. Seriously, you have to be available, otherwise you are negligent in your duties as a parent. Work out a way between the two of you so you know when a communication is about your son.

[DragonGirl724]

Houdini, you did the right thing by only responding when it concerned your children and also by moving on with your life.

 

 

She is allowed to be upset but not to take it out on you, she brought this upon herself she can not punish you or make you feel bad for moving forward. All you have to say is: "WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO DO?!?! WAIT FOR YOU, IF YOU EVER DECIDED TO COME BACK AROUND!? THAT IS SO SELFISH OF YOU!"

 

ugh* goodluck man, looks like you got a big fat emotional bag of mess to deal with if you so chose to.

 

-DG724

[Wandering_Sword]

When you didn't respond to her email was it on purpose? Or were the messages vague and did not indicate anything to do with your son?

Back to the meat of the problem, your ex is being selfish plain and simple. She doesn't want you and does not want anyone else either. She clearly sees you as a backup and nothing more. Once she is well on her way to find someone else you will be discarded. I would at this point in time try to stop all romantic inclinations towards her and just focus on the boy. Don't try to defend yourself to her with this new woman (regardless of whether or not you are involved) because she has no right to know what is going on in your life. She gave up that right and all else when she cut you loose.

You are getting baited in by her behaviour and letting it get to you. That is why you're posting here for help. The sooner that you realize your ex is never going to be reasonable the better for you. What you are doing is trying to apply logic with a brickwall and it simply wil not work.

I have seen you demonstrate extreme patience, kindness and understanding towards this woman, while I may add, still having a good relationship with your son. You have done more then you truly give yourself credit for but it has to come to an end. I know my words will not stop or deter you and I think for you to finally step away is for her to make you snap. But I think your ex knows this and will not push you to the limits. Meaning that she will continue to play this for a very long time if necessary. Unless you stop it and keep the personal stuff out of the conversations and just keep things simple by only dealing with her in regards to the son.

[houdini]

Ok, Thanks everyone for responding and I have to agree with you all. My main priority is my son. The reason why she called me on saturday was to thank me for sending her small Mothers day gift (Candle holder,Candle and a card) from my son to her. I did not write anythig mushy in the card other than Happy Mothers day from your son.

 

She left a voicemail thankign me for the gesture and I left it at that and did not respond because I'm tired of her games. She only came arround because seh knows that I have moved on and like you have all stated I believe it's more of the fact that she hasnt moved on first because if there was another guy in the picture I would not be an issue anymore and like WS has said, I'd be thrown out like yesterdays trash.

 

So what do I do, she wants me to call her tonight and I want to lay it down on the table for her and get this over with once and for all. I feel like crap now because I feel that I'm the wrong one in moving on with my life and dating again.

 

What shoudl I say to her when in my heart I woudl like for us to get back together!!!

 

thanks again,

Houdini

[DragonGirl724]

tell her how you feel man! sometimes you have to figure that out on your own. if you want to work it out w/ her said youd like to work it out, but say you werent going to put your life on hold b/c what if she never came back around and you wasted all this time waiting...

 

 

goodluck, hopefully she'll be understanding if not, dont stress her, move on.

 

-DG724

[houdini]

Ok, I will let you know how it goes after our phone call. I'm due to call at 8:30pm pacific standard time (california). Wish me luck!!!!

 

Houdini

[DragonGirl724]

goodluck!! be honest with yourself.

 

You did everything you should have.

 

-DG724

[houdini]

Ok, Just got off the phone, we talked for an hour about a lot of things. This was the first phone conversation in a looooooong time where we didnt argue and actually shared eachothers feelings and talked about what we both did wrong. We made no promises about the future but did agree to meet in person soon (date to be announced) She feels and I feel we owe that to eachother and frankly I'm ok with whatever outcome it may be. I know I may get a little sad when we part ways after meeiting but atleast I'll know what I truly feel inside and how to proceed.

 

She expressed her reasons for ending the relationship which I would have to agree was from my many mistakes, I was not an angel in the relationship and took many things for granted. I know she's scared and thats to be expected but I do believe we made some head way and I just want to take things slow and not ruin what we have started here. She said she would let me know when we could meet. I know this decision could possibly be reversed and I'm preparing for that and not getting my hopes up high. I want to know your suggestions on how to proceed? Do I just play it cool, do not call or email for the next few days? and how do I go about waiting for her to let me know when I can come see her?

 

Thanks!

Houdini

[DragonGirl724]

well Im glad you had a nice chat..and it was progressive.

 

I dont know what you should do...Im kind of in the same boat so I dont have an answer...maybe wait til she contacts you??

 

-DG724

[Wandering_Sword]

Wait for her to confirm a date with you and if she cuts you off after confirming a date. Then its back to business, pure and simple.

Once (or if) you talk, its time to lay it on the table one last final time by explaining your feelings. No ultimatums. Ultimatums tend to draw negative response. If she lays a "I need to think about it." Then you go back and do what you were doing before (dating and re-discovery) and go back to NC.

The most critical part of this is to maintain your cool and not to lose yourself in blasted insecurities.

 

Remember the Fonz...

[DragonGirl724]

or try this:

 

check the weather and pick a beautiful sunny day and call her be like wow I just saw that 'next thursday' is going to be gorgeous..want to go to the park or something?

 

see how she reacts.

just be careful I did this with my BF-not so BF and got rejected. he didnt even reply to my email, so just be prepared for the worst.

 

goodluck.

 

-DG724

[tgt]

I'm happy to hear things are going better for you and your woman - especially since you have a son together. I have to confess I'm also hopeful for this kind of scenario for me since I have 3 kids with my wife! Time seems to work magic though - and I must wait.

 

Take things slow with her and continue to be mysterious aloof when possible to keep her guessing and wanting more - remember now that she knows other women want you suddenly you are more attractive. Make sure to reserve some things to preserve the interest level and dont share every little detail about your life!

[houdini]

Awesome advice everyon and I appreciate the support, as Wandering_Sword knows I've had a roller coaster of a time over the past few months and thanks to him, superdave,Friscodj and the many others here I have to say that without you I would not be in the position I'm in today, so I thank you with all my heart for all your support and love. thanks!

 

I know I'm far from out of the woods and I really dont know where this is going to lead, whether success or a true dead end "again". All I know is I feel a sense of peace within my heart and feel that whatever out come may be I will be ok either way. I guess for the most part what I feel is relief that knowing she cares and she didnt think of me as a piece of trash she just discarded. It's amazing how time apart can make things so much clearer to both parties and when you have "THE" talk you have a sense of closure and things are made clear as to what the cause of the breakup really entailed.

 

I have a long road ahead of me still, with her or without her but either way I know I'll be ok. For those who have struggled with the questions of "why" and "what if's" take the advice from this board and stick with NC no matter how hard it may be or how much it may hurt you, it's the ONLY way you will make any progress whether it's getting your ex back or not.

 

Without NC things would have gone down the tube for me and with NC I've regained myself a bit and most importantly I've healed enough to not settle for anything less than what I know I truly deserve and that's "true love"

 

The ball is in her court, i've done all I've can and now it's up to her to make her move. My position at this time is to continue to do what I've been doing adn that's living my life with no expectations about anything when it comes to me and her. One things for certain though, I will not accept anything less than a full on reconciliation....Friends is out of the picture as I can't be friends with someone I still love.

 

I guess the next couple of weeks will say what's going to happen and I have to keep focus on the fact that whatever happens is meant to happen, I' have to be happy either way and keep doing what I've been doing the past several months.

 

I will keep you posted on what happens but so far so good but again I have NO expectations!!!! when it comes to me and her!!!

 

thanks,

 

Houdini

[DragonGirl724]

houdini,

 

you have the right attitude keep it up. and best of luck in all you do...with or without this girl.

 

-DG724

[Wandering_Sword]

That is some positive thinking and I'm glad to hear it. Keep that line of thought and you'll get better with each day. Good luck and keep us posted.

[houdini]

Update and for those who hope and pray for reconciliation.

 

Well I won't give you any false hope with another success story but I will throw out a warning sign for those who are looking for any sign of getting back together with thier ex. I've learned that most of the time when the ex makes contact with you it's because of thier own selfish reasons and nothing to do with getting back together with you.

 

My ex gave me a glimmer of hope and lucky for me I had no expectations and respected myself enough to settle for nothing less than a full on reconciliation. My ex came back to question me and my life and what Iv'e been doing (dating another girl) and suggested working things out and once I agreed, made my feelings known, she bolted like bat out of hell. and it's been almost a week since I've heard from her.

 

My guard is up, it will take an emotional army to break down this barrier that I have over my heart. She will not give me any false hope and she knows now that I will not play these games with her, if she's hurting then she has to hurt alone and do not look to me for comfort.

 

Everyone here at enotalone, don't read into your exs actions or words until they say the magic words "I want to get back together" anything less than that is not acceptable and will only bring you down and keep you down. I feel good right now, far from being depressed and most of all I feel happy and content with my life and I know it will only get better.

 

She may have tried to ease her feelings about me and what i've been doing but I held strong, kept my composure and sailed through this test of my heart. Like I said earlier, I have NO expectations from her and never will until she says the magic words. I doubt it will ever happen so my life has only consisted of me moving on with my life and preparing my life for a new love down the road!!!!! It's my ex's lost, she could have had a good man that loved her and the kids and she's chosen to be alone and take a chance with someone new down the road....Good luck ex!!!!!!

 

Houdini

[DragonGirl724]

excellent advice houdini!! people sometimes get lost in little things their ex may do and take it for more than what it is. thank you for the reminder that people will go for what they want and they will let it be known if they do.

 

 

I think we could all use a reminder of that every now & again.

 

Thank you.

 

-DG724

[Wandering_Sword]

You wrote some sobering stuff there. I'm glad that you have come such a long way And I agree, it's easy to get sucked into the "I think they're coming back" kind of thinking from a simple message. Steer clear and just keep in mind that the simple message is just a simple message.

Excellent observations houdini and keep up the fantastic work.