I've got bruises up & down my arms...

[oh my god... ho]

from this weekend. I've got a huge line accross my neck that looks like someone tried to hang me, when really I just got the shirt literally ripped off my back. I don't even know where to begin. It seems like this relationship just keeps getting worse and worse. My bf & I are too much alike & we keep hurting one another. Seems like we fight about small things, but they always escalate into something HUGE because when one person is willingly to be calm, the other is raging... once the raging one calms down, the calm one starts raging. I don't know what to do anymore, but I know what I should do. This past weekend just shows how bad things have gotten. I don't think it is any longer under our control.

 

My complaints:

 

* He is jealous, doesn't trust me w/ guys, & I can't have guy friends because of that. In this aspect he is very controlling. Gets mad at me if I talk to a guy on myspace even if it's completely innocent. When I'm online, he tells me to behave myself. He's demanded my password so that he can read my messages.

 

* I'm not allowed to go out dancing or to the bar w/ friends (unless he is with me, but most of the times we have gone out together we end up getting into a fight because I say hi to a friend who is a guy & he gets angry, or I don't introduce him to that guy as "my BF" & he gets angry, or I go off and start talking to a girl who I don't introduce him to & he gets angry, or if I want to dance w/ my friends up on the stage he doesn't like that because it's slutty & he won't have a GF who does stuff like that).

 

* He doesn't like a lot of my girl friends because he thinks they are sluts and so he doesn't trust me to hang out w/ them. He knows, or thinks they've cheated on their BFs and thinks I will do the same.

 

* He gets mad at me for being mad at him; tries to turn it around on me. Even when I've had a legitimate reason for being angry. Then he doesn't apologize until he thinks I am going to leave him and he always finds ways to put the blame on me. He never tries to see things from my point of view. He tells me I get mad at "stupid {Mod Edit}". He minimizes my feelings.

 

* He's broken a lot of my things when we are fighting. He broke a present he gave to me for Christmas, he punched a hole in my door, broke into my room and damaged the door frame badly, ripped a very sentimental shirt completely off my back, broke my key chain twice now, broke my key, broke the strap on an $80 purse of mine, & made several other dents in my wall from things he's thrown.

 

* He abuses me verbally. He's called me a {Mod Edit}, a lesbian. When I cry, he tells me I am crazy, that I have problems, and that he just wants to shoot himself. He tells me he hates me, accuses me of cheating on him, tells me I'm no different than every other girl out there.

 

* When he is angry, he takes things away. He took his hoodie off my back once, took back a cellphone he had given me as a gift. When we are fighting at my place, he starts to pack up his stuff like he is leaving for good when we both know he's not. I know he does it just to piss me off.

 

* He's stolen my keys from me when I want to leave and won't let me leave. Yesterday he threw them in the dumpster. Yet when he wants to leave, he just gets into his car and drives off when I am standing at the window trying to talk to him.

 

* He's grabbed my arms, pulled me, pushed me. He's picked me up into the air and thrown me onto the lawn, throw me accross the room. When I walk away, he grabs my shirt and yanks me around. He's pulled my hair. He dumped a glass of water on me when I was trying to sleep in a separate room from him, when I went to change he dumped water on me again. When I fight back, he fights back more.

 

That is the gist of it, I'm sure I can think of more things, but for now I just really needed to get that out. Thanks for listening...

[maynards_razorblade69]

Get Out Now

[lunatic]

I have a simple solution for you. GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE AND AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

This is an extremely abusive relationship.

 

He's extremely jealous and irrational... the best thing you could ever do is free yourself from this relationship.

 

I agree with hubman ... you really need to get out of this relationship.

 

i know i for one can speak from experience..it doesn't get better.. only worse.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

And Welcome to the forum.

 

I'm glad you found us here- there is alot of support and people to listen.

 

Sounds like you are going through a really hard time right now.

 

I was just about your age when I was in a very similar controlling, abusive relationship. It's a very scary place to be, and sometimes it feels like there is no end in sight.

 

How long have you been with your boyfriend? Do you have family nearby? Friends who are aware of what's going on?

 

I suspect because you posted here that you are afraid and you know this isn't a healthy relationship, and on some level you are unhappy with being controlled and abused.

 

Have you thought about leaving?

 

What do you think might happen if you were to leave?

[ButterflyWrists]

Abuse in a relationship can only get worse, what has kept you from leaving him? is there anywhere u can escape to? If you want to talk more privetly PM me... I as well as many other people on here have been in abusive relationships...

Please if possible go somewhere tonight, or asap and just escape him, keep talking on here...

I know somethings are painful, but it does help...

I'm so sorry this happened to you

 

Huggs! Miss X

[DeeTeeCee]

i agree with everyone who's said that you must get out of this relationship. i'm sorry to hear of the situation and circumstances and feel like the one thing you can do for yourself is to detach from this relationship.

 

i'm sure there are elements which make this much easier said than done, but we're here to support you.

[teagirl]

You sound like you are in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. Which is a big part of being in a abusive relationship. In fact while I was reading your post I kept thinking all your complaints are classic of being involved with an abusive person.

 

Especially the fact that he doesn't like any of your female friends and calls them all sluts. I'm not sure how much you know about abusers but that tactic is called isolation. Isolation works really well for the abuser because it means they have gotten you away from anyone who might be tell you to get out of the relationship. It also is a highly controlling thing to do.

 

The impact and danger that isolation has is it makes you feel completely alone and increasingly like something is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you.

 

What I want to say to you is that you are NOT alone. This forum is a good place to get support. There is also a lot of womens groups out there that can help you deal with being in a abusive relationship.

 

I feel one of the best things you can do for yourself is to quietly start to educate yourself on being involved with an abusive person. There are many books available and good websites. The more information you have, the more you will realize you are not alone and that what you are going through and how you are feeling is really normal for being involved in this kind of relationship.

 

Right now you need to focus on you. There is nothing you can personally do to change your b/f behavior. You haven't done anything wrong and you are not responsible for him behaving the way he is. You can not fix him or change him. You can only get help for yourself and keep the focus on you.

 

There is help available, and I think by coming here and posting you have made a great start.

[redrose85]

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear all that you are going through! Those aren't merely complaints, they are all concrete reasons why you should leave, asap. It is not going to get better. pls pls pls leave!

[JadedStar]

Why are you still with him? You do make that choice you know.

 

Instead of taking so much energy to write about all the things he does that are so obviously bad, and feeling so horrible, use that energy to tell him this is over. Until you do, you can only blame yourself. YOu do have a choice here.

[oh my god... ho]

 

How long have you been with your boyfriend? Do you have family nearby? Friends who are aware of what's going on?

 

Have you thought about leaving?

 

What do you think might happen if you were to leave?

 

I've been w/ him for a little over 6 months. I still live in my hometown, so my family lives close by. I have told a few friends just recently about the problems. It started w/ just the jealousy, then he started breaking my stuff, and now it's turned into physically hurting me. Everyone just thought we argued a lot, which we do, but it's progressively gotten worse.

 

I have broken up w/ him twice before, but taken him back because he apologized to me completely, said he was wrong, and that he was going to work on things. He did the same last night. All day he treated me like crap, threw me around, etc. but once get got scared that I was going to leave him, boy did he change his tune. He always promises he's going to work on it, but it never changes.

 

If I left I'd be unhappy & alone. Right now, I am just unhappy, but I also have someone to be unhappy w/. He is scared too. I don't think he wants to be alone. But I don't think things are going to change. We've talked about counseling, but honestly what are the chances of things changing even if we do go?

 

Previous to this relationship, I just got out of a 3 year relationship. I thought I was so lucky to meet someone, but now I feel that I need to end another relationship, and that makes me sad. I kept asking God why he was putting me through this? I've been in an abusive relationship before (not my 3 year) and here I am right back in another one. I know from experience that once that door is open, it never closes. The only reason I got out of the first abusive relationship was because I met someone who basically saved me from it. That was the person I was w/ for 3 years, but am no longer. This time I know I won't have a Prince Charming.

 

So right now fear of loneliness and the fact that I won't have anyone because all of my friends are in relationships, and several of my friends are even leaving town.

[Tigris]

LEAVE IT'S TOO DANGEROUS TO STAY!!!!

[Aurian]

At least when you`re by yourself and lonely, you`re not being hurt. I was also in an abusive relationship. I stayed because he convinced me that my reactions to his behaviour was "provoking" him, and thus it was all my fault. I was also scared to give up on my marriage and to give up on hoping he would change back to the person I fell in love with.

 

He finally pushed me too far and I ended it. He did the begging/loving thing, but I just couldn`t believe it anymore. Nothing ever changed and he would be back to hurting me again.

 

I left. It was bad being on my own at first, it was lonely. But I had my family back - people he made me push away or he`d hurt me. I had no friends left (he drove them away), but I made new ones. I was able to leave the house and do things I enjoyed again. I was able to create art again without having it put down or broken. I was able to be myself again and be happy with my successes instead of both being put down and derided.

 

Its much better to be alone than it is to be with someone who wants to break you.

 

I was alone for half a year, just focusing on myself and cleaning up the garbage he put into my head and had me believing. I am in a new relationship now, but because I am not "needy" I was able to find someone who is worth being with - someone who makes me happy - instead of clinging to the first person who showed interest.

 

If it helps, read the article in my signature below. Its all about losers.

 

So why are you with your loser? Being alone just means learning to love yourself instead of learning to hate yourself with an abusive person.

[DragonGirl724]

I've been w/ him for a little over 6 months. I still live in my hometown, so my family lives close by. I have told a few friends just recently about the problems. It started w/ just the jealousy, then he started breaking my stuff, and now it's turned into physically hurting me. Everyone just thought we argued a lot, which we do, but it's progressively gotten worse.

 

6months and it's this bad...this guy has potential to kill you the longer this progresses.

 

I have broken up w/ him twice before, but taken him back because he apologized to me completely, said he was wrong, and that he was going to work on things. He did the same last night. All day he treated me like crap, threw me around, etc. but once get got scared that I was going to leave him, boy did he change his tune. He always promises he's going to work on it, but it never changes.

 

EMPTY PROMISES DON'T MEAN {Mod Edit}!! You are admitting he is treating you like crap but yet you stay for fear of being alone. You are NOT alone..you'd be SINGLE. THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE! You have friends, family and us at the forum to go to, you are NOT alone!!! Confide in your family, tell his family and all your friends an his friends!!! Don't even pack up your stuff. get escorted by a couple of males and pick up your things on a random day! He is very dangerous, as you can see!

 

If I left I'd be unhappy & alone. Right now, I am just unhappy, but I also have someone to be unhappy w/. He is scared too. I don't think he wants to be alone. But I don't think things are going to change. We've talked about counseling, but honestly what are the chances of things changing even if we do go?

 

Like I said you wont be 'alone' you'd be 'single'. Who cares if he's scared!!! I praise you for seeing that things are not changing and I wouldn't even stick around for the therapy. He needs EXTENSIVE therapy and it will take a lonnng long time for him to be healthy...if ever. Dont wait around. Get private therapy to heal, dont get therapy with him.

 

Previous to this relationship, I just got out of a 3 year relationship. I thought I was so lucky to meet someone, but now I feel that I need to end another relationship, and that makes me sad. I kept asking God why he was putting me through this? I've been in an abusive relationship before (not my 3 year) and here I am right back in another one. I know from experience that once that door is open, it never closes. The only reason I got out of the first abusive relationship was because I met someone who basically saved me from it. That was the person I was w/ for 3 years, but am no longer. This time I know I won't have a Prince Charming.

 

"God" isn't putting you through this...you are constantly being faced with unhealthy situations because you refuse to help yourself and learn from your mistakes. so they keep presenting themself with the next boyfriend until you learn.

 

So right now fear of loneliness and the fact that I won't have anyone because all of my friends are in relationships, and several of my friends are even leaving town.

 

Self-pity will only cripple you...if this guy doesn't cripple you first. YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT ALONE, SO STOP SAYING THAT!

 

BETTER TO BE SINGLE THAN GETTING THE CRAP BEAT OUT OF YOU!!!!!

 

 

Steps to take:

 

*LEAVE...RIGHT NOW!!! GO SOMEWHERE SAFE!!

 

*CONFIDE IN FAMILY & FRIENDS.

 

*DON'T ANSWER HIS CALLS/EMAILS/TEXTS ETC!

 

*IN A WEEK OR SO GO GATHER YOUR THINGS TO MOVE OUT WITH MORE THAN 1 MALE!!! GO ON A RANDOM DAY, PREFERABLY WHEN HE IS NOT GOING TO BE HOME!

 

*SEEK THERAPY!

 

*DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU AGAIN!

 

-DG724

[oh my god... ho]

I want to add that I started the physical abuse. The first few times, I hit him. I tried to stop, and was pretty successful for awhile, but then I did it again a couple weeks ago, and most recently last Friday when we got into a huge argument. Only recently did he start fighting back after I initiated. Last Sunday was the first time he did it back without me initiating.

[kellbell]

The thing is, you both bring the worst out of each other and it seems like you are not compatible.

 

Time to pack up and leave and perhaps seek some counseling for yourself.

 

Hang in there.

[Hope75]

I want to add that I started the physical abuse. The first few times, I hit him. I tried to stop, and was pretty successful for awhile, but then I did it again a couple weeks ago, and most recently last Friday when we got into a huge argument. Only recently did he start fighting back after I initiated. Last Sunday was the first time he did it back without me initiating.

 

Hey Girl,

 

This relationship sounds really dangerous. Only 6 months and it's already escalated to physical abuse.

 

Do you think not having a boyfriend is so bad that you should stay and get beat up? Or beat him up?

 

I was ini your situation when I was younger too. I was with someone for 5 years who was abusive to me. It started like yours did... and then it got worse. He beat me, raped me, choked and punched me, slammed me into walls, you name it and he did it to me. At the end he almost killed me. Do you want to wait until it reaches that point? Somehow I don't think you do, or you wouldn't have posted here.

 

Girl, you know deep down that a relationship like this is not right and not healthy. Being with him is not better than being on your own. You have been with someone who treated you kindly so you know that is how it is supposed to be- please don't kid yourself into thinking this is acceptable, because it's not.

 

Just because you hit him first doesn't make any of this right. We don't hit people we love- you were wrong to do so but that does not give him the right to hit you back, it just shows how dysfunctional this relationship is.

 

You have family and friends- whether they have boyfriends or not. Do they know how he has been physically abusive with you? How about your family?

[oh my god... ho]

Some friends know, some don't. My parents don't know. Part of me wants to leave the situation, but I feel guilt-tripped into staying. I couldn't stand it. He came over to my apt last night and was crying. I can't stand to hurt someone that I care about. I know that sounds weird considering all that I have gone through, but seeing it right in front of me just makes it all that much more difficult. I have the feeling if I do leave the relationship, I just want to leave completely because knowing me I will cave in. I have a friend in Germany I could go visit for awhile, and I'm considering doing that. He is pulling every trick in the book, he wanted to take me out to lunch today, and he wants to make plans w/ me tonight to do whatever. I mean, he is just going to go back to being how he was after all this fear in him goes away, right?

[Hope75]

OMG,

 

That's the oldest trick in the book, and why I stayed with my ex for as long as I did. Everytime he abused me, he was always SO sorry afterwards. He would apologize, buy me things, take me out, and be sweet as pie for days afterwards. I would live for those times. And, like you, I felt bad for him and couldn't imagine hurting him. That's why I stayed and stayed, and it just kept getting worse. But you said it yourself, he isn't going to change. Guys like that almost never do.

 

But, what I didn't realize is that by staying with him I was hurting myself. Ask yourself, honestly, would someone who loved you hurt you that way? The answer is no, they would never dream of it- not in a million years, no matter how much you pushed them or made them angry. Never.

 

While you are so busy taking care of him... who is watching out for you? Who is protecting you? You can give and give until there is nothing left... and I almost did.

 

Imagine your parents burying you. Because they will, eventually, if you stay with him.

[oh my god... ho]

I don't think it would ever go to that extreme, as in being killed. He just makes me feel like I owe him. He keeps telling me that after I hit him the first time, he stuck around for me to see if I would change and he's glad that he did. I mean, I don't think he is purposely trying to guilt-trip me into staying. I feel like he truly wants for things to change (whether or not that is possible, I don't know).

 

People talk about the fact that the person has to want to change. Yesterday he took my book "The Dance of Anger" to work and started reading it. He was reading it last night too when he came over, and then took it back to work again today. He also said he would go to counseling once his insurance kicks in. I think he really wants to show me that he is trying.

 

I mean, I have been in that exact situation w/ my ex. I did a lot of horrible things, and cheated on him. Well that was the last straw. But I did everything I could to try to win him back. Started reading books about infidelity, blah blah blah... the whole sha-bang. So, I can see where he is coming from. But right now my heart is not completely there. I can't kiss him like I used to. I want to get some space from him, but I have a hard time saying no when he asks to come over. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I also don't want to ignore my needs.

[teagirl]

I'm not going to mince words here. When are you going to save yourself? God isn't putting you through anything. You are putting yourself through this situation. God helps those who help themselves first. You fully recognize this is an abusive situation, but you are not taking full responibility for your choice to be in this relationship.

 

You do have a choice. By not leaving your choice is to continue to be physically abused. Your choice is to stay with this guy. You are currently choosing to not get help for yourself.

 

Why are these the choices you are making for yourself? I think it's time to stop playing the role of victim and get help for yourself and take responsibility for your own physical and mental welfare.

 

I really hope you do that for yourself. Trust me when I tell you I have been there and this isn't about this guy or this relationship. This is all about you and some very deep pain and hurt that you have inside of you. Until you fix yourself you will keep on finding yourself in these kinds of situations with men. Stop trying to fix your b/f and start fixing yourself. What needs to change here is you.

 

I hope you love yourself enough to get the help you need.

[Hope75]

OMG,

 

We never want to believe that the person we love would actually try and kill us. But before this happened, did you ever think that someone who claims to love you would lay a hand on you in a bad way? I never thought it would get that far with my ex either. Really, he was just mad at me because he couldn't find his stash, so he threw a bowling ball at my head. I don't think he was really thinking in depth about the consequences of it when he did it.

 

All it takes is one push the one way, one blow at the wrong angle, and it's over for good. Whether he meant it or not.

 

Please don't kid yourself.

 

You have been in this relationship for 6 months. Get out while you still can.

 

Someone who loves you would never try to control you or be abusive to you. This relationship is not healthy.

 

You are denying your needs every day that you stay with him-- your need to feel safe and happy and healthy and in love with a man who treats you with kindness, love and respect.

[DragonGirl724]

Hope your story is shocking!

 

....................

 

 

wow!

 

So glad youre alive and well!!!!

 

you are right in everything you said.

 

-DG724

[Aurian]

They can go far to act sorry... mine went to counselling, read self-help books and was nice for awhile... then I "provoked" him somehow again and the abuse ESCALATED, as if he was storing up abusive energy during his nice time.

 

Please, no matter how guilty you feel, don't punish yourself and stay with him. He's pulled this sweet and sorry act before didn't he? What makes you think it is real this time?

 

Please leave before you are hurt even more and trapped longer with him. When I finally ended things, my regret was that I didn't see sooner.

[oh my god... ho]

So then how did you leave, really??