rich_1517

Howdy

ok so been doing no contact (week 3). she hasnt, she wanted "space". huge surprise here wasnt expecting it but then we had gotten complacent, boring, I had declined to move in twice. After initiial departure i called her (couples days in) and owned what was my fault, that i was uncommittal and lets give it another try. she said im confused and need two months (i have no idea why two months). I was crushed. Basic upshot from her 'we arent working". I had used her "growth things" as reasons not to move in. I know now, again that this was bad. like real bad. (3 year relationship)

So been doing no contact, working out, walking, working, friends, etc. She has been calling 3-4 times. I am a little flirty mostly "hey nice to hear from you" no relationship talk, just small talk, I get off first. Been keeping obsession in check (barely). She has offered to help buy me something two days ago. I said thanks but not right now, but that was very thoughtful.

Background: I have been struglling with money for two years, put my father into a care facility last month. I have been difficult for some time. demanding and unappreciative. not a lot of fun.

Last night i get a call from her, i call her and she says "i didnt call". I had been planning on moving to saying "hey looks like no contact istn working want to go for coffee" but if she didnt call (lie - first ever that i know of). then that has to wait.

I am angry at this turn of events, i would like her to be straight up with me I have to fight the temptation to say "you called this off why are you calling me?" that wouldnt do much of anything.

I want her back but scared i have a 30 year old whose emotionally 15 years old on my hands who could really mess with my heart.

So its clear she misses me, but afraid to let go OR send a message of anything hopeful. The question:

1. continue doing no contact?

2. send flowers?

3. make boundaries?

4. punt the whole thing and deal with the pain but get her away?

5. take the pain i brought this on myself wait her out?

I love her and miss her and want that second chance, just dont know the next step.

thanks guys your words are appreciated. I am walking a lot, working on finding more work and trying to stay mentally and emotionally grounded. this site and your feedback has helped alot.

The i want to have fun is your clue. talking about the relationship is not fun. Try to let go a little, meditiate, excercise, go walk, hang out with friends. get your brain out of hock, you have to be focused and clear to make good decisions. start healing a little from the pain and then deal with the problem.

If i got that speach i would be scared too. She is sending mixed signals here but i would back off a little if you can. figure out what you want then make a plan. See "no contact" rules on this site, its hard ive been doing it but it does work. but there are no guarantees, if you really did make some mistakes (not owning everything to get her back) then fess up, when its time. (when she talks about the relationship you dont bring it up again, period, she needs to miss you and question)

If you are too needy she will go further away.

But for now it looks like you have to respect her wishes for space and get you back in shape, do you want her to see or talk to someone who is all busted up or confident. Go bleed on your friends not her. Again see "No contact" rules or getting her back.

Hang in there

Ok so its clear that after a breakup she engaged she is confused, we have an excellent relationship still. (i am hurting however and still want to get back together). After wanting space she is calling. And saying well i guess im not doing the no contact thing very well.

Ok so the last couple of months of our relationship was getting tougher i took her for granted, she asked me to move in (2nd time two years). I declined basing it on her stuff needing to be more clear.... Basically i realised that i was using it to be non commital.

So i have done no contact (on my part) been nice, got off first, lite flirting, compliments. The obsessing is almost gone.

She seems to be on the fence. I believe its time to call and say um, are you just lonely or is something up? want to have coffee?

At coffee i would say if you are just lonely but still moving on then i need you to respect the space too. If you are not sure then i think we should make a plan before we get to far. Three years of love trust and acceptance is a lot to let go without a second look.

The upshot: i move in we give it six months, doesnt work we end it or we get married.

So timming: do i wait for her to call or do i take the intiative?

Thoughts?

Been there, you run the risk of losing both (maybe) but im sure you know that. Though from what you say they both want you. The answer to your question is borrow anyone of these:

if just for fun and you know it isnt for ever look for who will make you feel the most alive

if for longer these two questions apply strictly to love and work even if you arent planning long term

1. can you accept this person as they are (no changes)

2. if you had children would you want them to raise your kids if you died

they may seem strange but they hold a lot of answers in two simple questions.

and of course do a pros and cons list and finally let go if you can long enough to see which one you would miss most. or imagine you made the decision about one, how would you feel about the other.

and last why not keep both? i did that for six months and then chose when i knew i was falling in love with both.

Cheers

Whoa tiger, the first thing. sllloooowwww the mind down. stay away from your computer for a day, go for walks, excerise, hang out with friends. GET IT OFF YOUR MIND! for a little while. you cannot, you will not make any sense of this in your current state.

Try to go outside and breath in (through your stomach, meaning extend your stomach as you breath in, then slowly exhale all the way out, then two normal breaths, do it again. calm your mind young jedi)

It is always hard to tell reality from our obsessed mind and IMPOSIBLE to make good decisions. You must let go enough to be clear that there were two people in this relationship who are now making their own decisions (whatver they may be) you only have control of yours. To understand her you must be calmer and focused. know what you want and able to guage the impact of what thoses wants may have (on you).

In short do nothing until you can live with whatever you do after you do it.

I have to assume you were the other half of that? I have been there, i thought abortion was an ok form of keeping a relationship from having entanglements. I realised as i sat through one that i felt something leave the room as it happened. I knew then i could never accept it again as an alternative.

But for you, you didnt know or did you? either way it was her call, there is no shame here. If it is your moral or religious beliefs then seek absolution in some fashion. If its tied to the girl, talk to her about it (if you are on good terms), or barring that see a therapist first. I AM NOT ONE but i see you are suffering from something deeper than what is on the surface, get help, you seem like a great guy and are punishing yourself horribly for something that was beyond your control in the first place especially if you were being careful about her getting pregnant.

Becuase of the level of greif you are describing get to a therapist and begin the process of healing, there is no shame that i can see.

You take care

If you want her back then skip the games they tell you. Try the direct approach. She may be playing games with you because shes lonely etc, since she knows you care you are an easy target for an ego boost. Set boundaries, if she broke it off, ask her "im confused you keep sending me messages, is everything ok?". this may make her get defensive and stop bugging you or she may say she just likes talking to you or she may tell you something of value (maybe). The point is get her to say why she is still contacting you after the break up. If shes done and it hurts then i would tell her to please lay off for a while you move on. I nkow it hurts believe me.

If you want to get her back use "the treatment" see getting her back "no contact".

FYI: i am going through the same thing and the no contact is working... but it has left me wondering as well why she is calling me, just lonely, etc. and i am about to pull the plug on it one way or the other. You need to set what is comfortable for you.

She is doing exactly what the rule book says. Background: She broke up with me two weeks ago. "need space". i was uncommital after two invites to move in stating wanting to see her progress in some areas (we are three years). After breakup i immediately realised i had been selfish and uncommittal, told her so then began no contact. There are problems no doubt but i wasnt real peachy the last couple of months.

So shes calling, "i saw a massage table and thought you might like me to help you buy it" - "I have no life/friends", lots of joking up beat. I did the hey im glad you called, but im running late, its ok to call.

Now what, i dont know if it will stop here, im scared that she is just lonely and using me but is still moving on, Example: i said my roomate had been my date this week (male/joke) she said see your getting dates already im not.

Any suggestions - let her be in the drivers seat to suggest doing something more than chat on the phone? Help

Week two of the "i need time alone" she said that it isnt working and needs time away, two months (dont ask where the date came from). I was uncommital when she asked me to move in. She also has some intimicy issues that i pushed on. she also wanted me to quit smoking. I didnt move in i didnt quit smoking.

Within a few days of that i realised i had been stubborn wanting her to change as my reasons for not moving in (twice - we are three years together). I copped to being uncommital and using the reasons as excuses to maintain my own distance. She was glad to hear it but.. no effect she still wants two months. My take is she is done but im not sure, she sends mixed signals.

Ok

the quandry now. I have obeyed the no contact rule except where she has contacted me. or we ran into each other. i have kept it light, dont mention anything about relationship. etc.

I did ask if i could drop her stuff off to her, after she changed from "ill arrange to pick it up" to "we can worry about that later" meaning the two months. She said it would be hard to find a place for it so i said ok, dont worry there will be time, my reasoning was that i dont want to meet over artificial reasons, if you want to see i want it to be becuase you want to see me. Was this ok?

During that conversation she said that seeing me made her so sad she was crying after, and she missed me (we ran into each other at starbucks, I stayed outside with friend while she met with another, then said had to go in a nice way). that she wanted to come talk to me like always.

How do i handle next contacts? She will call or contact for some reasons. I am scared that she is done and just not saying it. So the contacts make me nervous as i miss her deeply and am angry too.

I will look at the rules again, but obviously my confidence is low and my head is a basket case. Thoughts?

The first thing we all feel (anyone) when someone we love and trust goes to someone else is anger, denial, bretrayal and intense agonizing loss and emptiness. Thats normal. The thing you have to do, must do is not let this cause you to "react" but to "respond" the difference is you have control over how you respond to him, you cant control reactions.

Start taking care of yourself, let him contact you, dont chase him down, he may be having doubts and concerns about you two, or is unreliable, he and you will now need a little space to find out which. Dont be a door mat, let him live with choices. remember you have value and are not there for whenever he feels like it suits him. He made a choice and has to live with the consequences. DO NOT "HANG OUT" let him call you and if he wants to hang out, tell him isnt that a little weird with your other girlfriend?

Dont rush into anger or calling him with ultimatums or anger, move on for now even though it kills you. Calling him or pushing him will drive him more the other way. Respect what he said "im seeing my ex" ok thats your choice, you dont get me then. living in the gray area will only hurt you. See the "no contact rule" its true. he needs to miss you and wonder if he made the right choice (without your help).

Look i know this isnt easy I am going through it too and it hurts and you want to beg them to come back, etc. But the only chance you have is in his memories and missing your emotional contact coming back.

Then if he should call you are on better terms to tell him how you feel, and what the ground rules are. Dont lose your self worth, rebuild it, get busy, busy, busy. lert time pass. you can get through this. Is there no cause for hope? no but you cant rely on it, you will feel a shift in your self over time to either feeling him coming around or you moving on.

Obviously he cares and misses you. let him.

You are young, give yourself time what you think you want now will probably not be what you want a little later on.

You are worth loving, someone who would invest four years in your knew they had something good. remember that. leave your otions open if you can. get out of the damn house, get busy, excerise play music, go on a date. these things will help you get perspective.