rich_1517

Jeaously is tough, especially when there "seems" to be cause. but jealousy is also a poison that destroys relationships. it makes the person under suspicion (your girlfriend) feel not trusted and judged. its bad for love in general.

sometimes the best way to handle it is to attack head on, become this guys friend. get to know him, get to know his girlfriend and them together.

no one can control another persons feelings. if she wants to be with someone else thats what she will do, but you cant let it eat you up inside and destroy your relationship before a shot is ever fired.

by getting to know this guy you may make yourself feel better and also remove some of your feelings about this. it also says ok "hes our friend" just dont say why you are doing this. someone else may have better advice dont just rely on me

I know its hard hang in there.

i wouldnt feel stupid, trust me it only makes you feel stupid. really. The point is what do YOU want? if he hasnt called it is a little strange, i dont know the real answer some people can have long distance and no contact relationships for a long time, and you have allowed this in this relationship so for the most part it seems normal.

But are you happy about that? i think you need to define your comfort level here and then issue terms to him, but be prepared that if he is distant anyway it may be a long time or never that he comes around to what you want.

i dont know the whole answer here but it seems kind of lame to blow you off completely and not even call for VD.

My take on it? let him go you could do a lot better. dont kick yourself, take his beahviour as "not available" and change it to you "not available" and move on. go out, have fun, do hobbies, etc.

keep me posted. i hope you get some clarity.

need more information

1. how many "dates" have you actually been on?

2. how long overall has this been going on?

3. how many times (approx) has he called you

it sounds like he is sending the lets be friends signals, im not sure. How do you get the committment phobe perspective you have, becuase he wont with you or has he said this or implied it?

keep it simple though, dont take this bad im a long poster myself, but page breaks and spaces help to read your thoughts better. try to make just bullets where you can. I know what the mind is like during these things but organizing your thoughts onscreen may also help off.

Stop playing games with each other. neither one wants the other when you have them, why? you both take for granted that the other is there when they are and then beg to have that back when they are gone.

you have to decide if this is what you really want and not just lonely and missing what you "thought" you had, and then decide if you can really commit to her yourself.

the game you are playing is called "catch me" feels horrible on this side doesnt it? but you have both played it on each other quite a bit. and the pain you both have dished out is significant. I would stop and ask yourself is this truly worth it. you have to start here before you can ask how to get her back.

I know you are hurting i dont mean to be unsympathetic but everything you are saying shows that you have had her and then didnt want her.

Hi fellow obsessors

yeah its true they leave and no matter how hard we try we cannot get them out of our mind. Worse we cant get our feet grounded long enough to deal effectively with it.

Even if you are lucky enough to find this site early in the process, you can still make mistakes based on a lack of objectivity.

So first the donts

1. even if its week 1 or week 5 etc. ask yourself if you are being the real you, or are all your actions, thoughts and desires showing you want this back? no matter how hard I tried and kept conversation to a minimum situations did come up that showed my hurt.

Why? becuase i was and it was only a matter of time before she (in my case) pushed hard enough to make contact that it "leaked out". The sad fact is any action taken during this time of obsessing will not come out right, in my case i thought asking for time was a good idea, no it showed i was hurt, everything showed i was hurt. its a good idea to ask for time if they keep doing emotional drive bys to make themselves feel good, but not if you want to project emotional health.

The only thing that didnt show i was hurt was when i did the "no contact" approach on this site. see link removed

1a: so what to do? nothing, nothing nothing, unless you have your feelings under control enough to be a little distant from it, do not meet. In my case she pushed for "helping" this lead to a five hour "non date" and i was fine for four hours of. it was like old times, then dinner came and i had to ask "whats up?" (DONT). this lead to me hurt when i didnt get the response i wanted, she felt bad, etc, etc.

If you arent under control, do the phone thing but only get together if you can envision walking away from it hearing "im still deciding" "no i havent changed my mind" "i was lonely" "i just missed you", etc. the fact is they are still going through things their own way, with one very powerful point in their favor: They broke it off, it feels easier at first for them to contact you, less agony or lack of clarity.

Ideally, if you are like me and had three weeks of obsessing about it before you landed in the "oh my god" phase of how big i had made this thing in my mind, i gave so much power to it that i know for a fact that A: it made her uncomfortable and no longer "easy" to just call me up. B: i was not the guy who she loved before, i was a shadow of it, damaging to getting back, extremely damaging to my feelings about myself.

No one can say "no contact" and being strong will get them back, we dont control what they will do, but obsession is a killer, pure and simple. let them go, do not call, do not send flowers. let them go and get back to being yourself as quick as you can, start going to movies and coffee and etc RIGHT NOW. the point is even if you are suffering but want them back the sooner you get back on your feet the more attractive you will be.

In my example i started dating, I am honest about it with the girl i date, that i am not looking for anything right now, but do not tell them you are mourning a loss. show up, have fun. One of the things you will immediately notice is just how out of sorts you are, how much we have become removed from life. use these signs as signals to change. smile, actively listen to your friends or date and do not talk about "it".

I can't promise that it will go fast or slow but it will go which is a lot better than sitting at home wondering if they will call and holding onto dark thoughts until all the life drains out. yes thats what some of my days are like

I want her back. i cant help it, she asked for two months to make a decision about us (no conditions, meaning we are basically broken up while she decides).

i have done no contact, its been a month, she called today because someone cloned her credit card and ran up 3k on it. wanted to know if I had any reciepts around etc, no i dont think she thought it was me.

she had previously been calling a lot while i was doing no contact, and then went way over the boundaries and then said she is still deciding. so I asked for a week of no contact from her, I did show my feelings and said at first that if you just want to be friends you will have to wait, if you want more then call me. yeah i know.

So this is like my tenth post about this, i love her and miss her, and want the chance, my confidence is such that i think i can handle casual contact and flirting while this period expires.

I am worried that if she has 0 interaction with me in person during this period she will let go completely, she has said she doesnt want to get my hopes up and that for now we have to be friends, but no she hasnt decided.

so do i storm the gates? while getting more grounded? the simple fact is i want another shot at this, and if i have to pay the price i will i just dont know how to get around the "no contact" thing.

Hi wow thats a lot. i beg to differ about the personality disorder, its a common term for when we dont feel like we fit in with life.

i have a similar experience and it left me pretty messed up. you cant change what happened but you can reorient your needs to feel more comfortable.

get into a survivors group, they are estremely helpful in the healing process, continue therapy but maybe make it goal oriented, instead of rehasing based on a week or days feelings, start with how you want to feel and remove the boundaries to them as they come up.

I am sensitive and needy. i hated it, but i had to admit to myself that i was and that i had to provide for those emotional needs myself and not bring them to a relationship as baggage. the way i did that was to learn what was truly good about me and take an honest look at my "faulty thinking" about myself and my own judgements.

The truth is we are all lovable and "healthy" if we choose to be just some of us have to take a slightly longer road to self love. thats where your answer is.

I had great success with "voice dialogue" developed by hal and sidra stone. it allow me to address the different sides of me to gain better understanding and freedom.

hang in there you will be ok. PM if you want i have some experience and would love to help if i can.

time and space, i am friends with many close encounters with friends from earlier days. the point is if you really want to make this friends you can. the faster you move away from thinking of more the faster you will return to being friends. all of my past loves of even three years or more have turned to friends.

if you truly want more it may be hard for a while, find the answer in yourself of what you really want first. if its going to cause you pain to watch him date you may need space for a while.

hang in there

I am sad. I am in one month of a two month "deciding period" she left on little notice. 3 years together.

She has a kid, im 42, shes 30

I will not recap the details except to say, i have done no contact, she has called i have made a one week boundary of no contact to give myself time to heal, she was sending very mixed signals then backed of to say "im still deciding" thats the reason for my boundary.

I am really struggling with remorse right now, pain is less, loss is great, obsession is ok, i have some of my power back.

I would not accept some things about her, and as my life got harder (lost my business and have struggled financially, my dad has alzheimers) I became less fun.

I became more closed off to her and resented her, she isnt very good with nurturing or intimacy and she is also lazy about changing those things, actually she really doesnt care to.

but still i stayed. and i took for granted that she would be there even though i was clearly not happy, and i expressed it fairly often, still we had good times in there and there has been love and trust between us, most of all best friends.

but i cannot escape that i love her so, and that if given the choice, which i dont think i have i would deal with those things and move in. I found i was being uncommital and declined to move in twice. i know now i hurt her a lot.

i did not get real about finances and my failed business, i got desperate and tried to make it work, but stability would not come back. she had to deal with 2 years of my financial hardship while her salary went up. for mom i can see now that is a big thing.

i refused to address quitting smoking, her number one beef. and now with my strength returning I am reluctant to quit becuase it seems only for her, and sends a message of weakness.

So i wait while this "deciding period" comes and goes trying to stay real, i am treating it as over becuase its healthier and focusing on changing my life.

So i am in pain and once again at a loss for direction. ideas?

sorry to hear it man. but no this isnt about making her come back right now. its about healing you up and quick, she may come back she may not but you have to plan for not.

anything, i mean anything you say right now will fall on deaf ears, your abscense will speak louder than your words. you can even tell her later that you knew and it hurt you a lot to see someone you cared about mistreated but you didnt want to interfere with her choices, but not now, it will only look like meddling.

no one can effectively tell you to let go, it only makes you hang on more. so if you really want to hurt yourself and make sure this is out of your system then chase her, tell her the new guy is a jerk, etc. it will magnify your pain to the point that you have to let go. i dont mean to be harsh i am trying to let go myself, the point is that we have to heal up to deal with the world and our exs. its lonely, its painful but you will heal from this. the key is to start.

go for walks, hang out with friends, got a hobby? go on casual.

Ahh, clarity here. The ex has shown an ability to call, sometimes a lot becuase she misses me, etc. But still hasnt decided. I am pretty sure she gets the message that maybe not contacting without a decision is not a good idea. But she probably will call to connect.

so to make it a little clearer, I see my strength returning and feel ready to deal with this better from a "what can be done here" stand point. at the same time i am trying to make sure i am not setting myself up to get spun again.

thoughts?

A word to new people, this forum is a great method to get through things, i started off in agony and despair and am watching the return of dignity and self direction. its with the help and support of the people here. thanks.

Want to get advice from as many people as feel like giving it.

Background:

3 years lots of love, fun, trust

trouble - lack of acceptance of my habits, lack of acceptance her nagging and intimacy issues (shuts down xxx)

but still lots of love, fun and trust

business for me gets really bad, i dont accept and try to change it. but i dont surrender to it.

she invites me to live with her twice i decline saying work on xxx and i will, i just wanted to see some progress.

family problems for me - dad has alzhemiers, i begin to withdraw more from her.

I get back from difficult trip, finances really bad, havent stopped fighting saving business when i should have gotten job.

she ends it after i ask for attention. then changes to "i need two months to decide if i want you as boyfriend or friend"

ok so its a month now, almost. i went to her immediately after and owned my mistakes, ungrateful, not facing the money issue, not trying to quit smoking, not committing and moving in. kind of pathetic really it was definitely begging. ok im human.

begin no contact - and have lots of obsessing and pain, thankfully she couldnt see much of it.

she starts calling, and calling, then excuse to hang out. I agree and find myself in a very mixed message of hang out, and im still deciding. Oops.

I now ask for a week of no contact to look for work and other things i am trying get straight in my life. she agrees (very flat emotionally she is, always has been, nothing to read into here)

now i am realizing that i am getting stronger again, treating the break up as real (not as her deciding period). lots of anger, trying to stay focused on me and taking care of business.

So.... the week will end and she will call or she wont, what are peoples suggestions about next steps for me. I am leaving it open becuase i am truly open to it. If you need clarification please PM me.

thanks in advance.

Ok a new turn of events for me. I dont know if i am seeking advice or just need to discourge my wealth of pain and anger.

God do we throw it away when someone leaves us. I look back at my behaviour in the first week, the pleading nature i had, the fragile, hurt neediness and i am disgusted. Yes i owned my mistakes in the relationship, but i didnt have to fall apart to do it ARRRRHHH.

I have been on an emotional spin cycle before this happened. The girl and i had problems, no doubt. But love existed and trust. She couldnt/wouldnt be physically attentive (at all) i just asked for a little initiative sometimes (once in a year was what i got). I had to put my dad into a mental facility for alzheimers, i lost my company. I come home from this and say i need attention and that i am devastated and she chose that moment to first break it off and then change it to i need two months to decide if we are friends or more.

Man, does anyone else here think that was extremely lame? What did i do? I ran after her immediately, said i had been afraid to commit, had been ungrateful and not as accepting as i could have been, that i hadnt dealt with the reality of failed business and needed to get regular work instead of haning on.

Ok so meant it and its true, these things needed to be addressed, BUT i gave so much power away. She and i have been friends and elevated her to godhood, what was i thinking. Ok break ups are painful, but that is no way to save it! acccckkk! there can be nothing worthwhile with that kind of pleading.

So at least i intiated no contact immediately after and kept a decent face on it for her, actually behaved pretty well and normal to her, while i bled on friends and family.

Then she called, and called and called, and wanted to get together, this turned into a five hour non-date, becuase in the middle of dinner i asked, what is this? she said she is still deciding. Me still an emotional wreck underneath got sad and then made boundaries. I felt like she was just using me becuase she is lonely (which may be true, based on her behaviour she looks done to me).

So i asked for no contact from her for a week while i look for a job and quit smoking (yes i put that on the table too)

And tonight it came home how pathetic i have been. I am no longer sure about this whole thing, I am angry i gave so much power to it and her. I want to call her up but i am also angry at her too for her timing. I wish there had been another way but i guess not. I am just flat out angry and wish i had been stronger. She may or may not call next week but clearly i need to get grounded emotionally to deal with her.

Sorry for the long vent, learn from this dont give too much away.

i think you know the answer, unless you didnt explain the reason for it. if this was recent then call if you didnt fully explain it, but do it in a dignfied way "im sorry if i was out of line, the family situation overwhelmed me and i neglected you, for that i am sorry, I am sad that you no longer want to see me, but i will respect your wishes if thats what you want." and then drop it. do not press her. If you said these things or something like it then no dont contact her.

the ball is in her court. You have to get rid of the pain the best way you can so that when/if she calls you are more ready for it. If you have seen no contact then stick to it. If shes done then she is done and probably no amount of wooing will get her back.

Neediness will definitely not get her back. I hate to say it that way but i had mine recently call (a lot) and want to hang out, etc. And i blew it by saying i couldnt be "just friends" right now. I had another way i could have gone with it, which is ok i understand. swallow my hurt and move on, i ended up asking her not to call so i could heal up and move on. then in restrospect realized that i was just scared and showing i was needy.

The reason i tell you these things is so that you know you are talking to someone with recent experience.

She may call she may not. but which you do you want her to see? begging or the guy she fell for. remove your desperation by doing other things, work out, go for walks, hang out with friends, help others in worse positions than you. the point is you have to get out of your head long enough to see clearly.

Its ok to have hope. I try to keep hope and no hope to a minimum and just do the next thing in front of me.

But no i do not think you should contact her. if you havent seen "no contact" at the main forum index look it up. you seem to have but you may want to reread it.

Wow, sorry my friend that is painful. I had the same situation a long time ago, I ended it with the love of my life who promptly slept with the "player" in our group of friends. I was so angry and jealous and hurt i rejected her three months later when she tried to come talk to me.

She stood in my bathroom screaming "i hate you". See i had been the jerk but didnt accept it and other things but the point is. I loved this girl and here was my opportunity and i blew it. I couldnt forgive her.

Be glad shes with a jerk, she could be with a good guy and that would really be tough. Work on yourself and heal up. if, big IF, she gets dumped and hurt then she may call and need you. no guarantees, none.

but thats what you want to aim for. if you really did make her "perfect" stop, thats a need on your part that has nothing to do with reality and is unfair to her. you cant have a relationship with a goddess, and i am sure she doesnt see herself that way. it also makes one very nervous to be perfect. had it done to me.

So get busy getting over it, i know thats hard and these words may hurt but do you want to be seen as pathetic and needy or confident and attractive, the choice will dicate your actions. To become confident and attractive - restore your self esteem. HOW? like this:

hobbies

working out

help others (answer posts on this board if you can)

go out with friends

go on a date (casual)

do something for someone else. someone moving help, some one fixing something help.

Listen to someone with worse problems than yours

eat

go for long walks

stay busy

what were your goals in life with/without her? do you still have them?

get outside at least 20 minutes everyday.

if you start feeling better - let yourself

keep doing this for a while and actively not talk about her and you will feel better. its ok to let go, it really is. you will be ok.

ok first, you are not drowning! it will be ok whatever the outcome. No do not call her. if you truly are not ok with hearing from her or talking to her then do not ever speak to her until you ready to be friends.

but thats not what you want is it. you want her back, yes? then you will have to do the dreaded no contact (see the main forum). the thing is and hard as it is too hear, you will have to let go enough to let her see you again as a whole person, not broken up inside. i know no contact seems like a game and it is, but if you play to win you might.

I still dont know the reason you were "forced" to break up. umm, why?

the point of no contact for you is two fold. 1. you start to heal up and become whole again. 2. You arent chasing her.

Now it depends on who broke it off, was it you or her?

If it was you then go back and apologise, nothing hurts like rejection.

If it was her, she will call again or not but you cant control that. the point is to become the guy she fell for. start working out, go for walks, hang out with friends. if she is in your social group show up infrequently but always be upbeat, and say hi when you see her.

You have to heal yourself, its not appealing to have someone who is bummed out and needy. trust me i have been going through it too. Take some time and then ask the more expereinced on this site how to "make contact again" without looking like it.

Best of luck.

If you love them then i would take the chance of telling him that if he doesnt change, if he cant co-eaqually support the financial responsisbilities of the relationship then you will have to leave and that you cant imagine the hardship of having a family together under these circumstance.

be honest and direct, dont let him bargain. maybe set a time period to see change, tell him no more credit debt. period. tell him that he has a choice now. the relationship or his behavior.

this will give you a feeling that you are giving him a chance and that if he just cant do it, then you have your answer.

It sounds heartbreaking i know its hard when someone you love wont do life as an adult. This may be your chance to wake him up about it. The key is not to blame him, tell him how it affects you and your fears about the future. Tell him you love him dearly but that you cant imagine doing this without change.

FYI: i just got dropped by girl and those same fears (not trust) about stability have been my issues, but she didnt really address them until it was too late (she left told me after) maybe if she had said something sooner i would have changed. (i lost my company and didnt face it).

ouch, well my friend i can relate. I did pretty much the same thing, blamed her for much and pushed her away, she isnt very emotional so i didnt see it coming until she said "its over" i created the circumstance she took the opportunity.

if this is within the last few days then quickly do an analysis of your own behaviour (honestly) if you have been a jerk, how? Women know how they have been hurt and if your cries of I'll do better dont have enough truth in them they will possibly throw out the whole thing.

Lok at:

selfishisness - were you?

ungrateful?

controlling?

angry?

each one has a solution that you have to find in yourself. these things are poison to a relationship if they get out of hand.

Talk to her as soon as you can, dinner if you can, if you have to drive there ok. swallow your pride, be prepared to hear "no" and not get hurt.

Then get busy, real busy, she will call, dont call her, make sure you get all your wrongs on the table without looking like a wimp and honest admittal of what you did and that you are working on it.

Then work on it. and start healing from the loss becuase she probably was as ready to go as you were to be angry. i have to face it myself, just becuase it took us months to admit we were no fun anymore doesnt mean its in her time. meaning that she may have thought the same too, just not acted on it.

Long distance relationships are very, very hard. You may not want this so i would also take time to ask yourself if maybe this isnt for the best, obviously it has upset you to see her go. The question is do you love her enough to have the relationship with her on her terms? which by not saying much about the planning, etc. says she wants to live her life whether you can handle it or not. Trying to control someone we love only makes them go farther. I wish there was an easy answer here.

ok for those of you who have been following please bear with the first part, or skip to the second

Background: 3 year relationship. my business failed. she has some issues with intimacy, which i am wlling to accept now. i became depressed and pushy about it and the failure of my business. we always had a good time together, have a level of love and trust, fun, friendship that is hard to find. I knew i was deeply in love, she never felt so loved (her words). bt in the fall she invited for the second time to move in. I declined and was souring on the relationship, i didnt know i was afraid to commit.

she broke it off after one of my "discussions" I had just returned from putting my father into an institution (hes been my best friend) for dementia and was very sad. I had asked for attention, she was half baked about it. I got angry, no yelling just i cant do this i need you right now (im not normally real needy, i tend to push away when hurt).

So after the break up i realized i had been uncommital and ungrateful. Went to her said i would be willing to move in, had been ungrateful and not being real about finances. she said she needed two months to make up her mind (this is now the half way mark)

So i do no contact, and it works, she calls, and she calls and then walks all over the boundaries, touching me, etc. no xxx. but then says she is still deciding (wheter to be friends or more), dont get your hopes up, we have to be friends right now. So i set a boundary of one week to keep getting my life in order and to give her the space she needs.

This really hard, this two month thing. Its not real, its saying I am here when and if you want me. How is she and i for that matter going to process anything effectively if its this grey? it seems to remove the loss for her and make it absolutely bananas for me.

so i am going to treat it as over for this week and greive. i dont want to i want it to be different i want her back and to have the opportunity. If/When she contacts me next week i am not sure how to proceed. On one hand i can be charming but removed, but lets be honest i will still be hurting. So do i let her run her two month thing and be "unavailable" or do i let her set the pace for her comfort zone knowing there is a very good chance she will say its over for good.

I want to send her the message "hey lets treat this as over so EVERYONE can feel the hurt" but she is not the emotional type and may never address her feelings. so while i am beginning to heal i am still emotionally bargaining. ideas?

I need ages to help me out here. One rose is always best, its the truest.

Be confident not arrogant but confident, girls and women find that sexy.

dont talk too much unless thats one of the things she likes.

Be attentive but not overly

the best lines are the ones that come from the heart, if one that you read feels right then thats from the heart. pick your moment and do not hesitate.

The point is just say it. if i knew more i could suggest more to you.

GOOD LUCK YOU WILL DO FINE!!!!

Hi

week three of a "2 month" break at her request. at the end of the two months she will make her decision -> start pain here

so ok i start no contact immediately -> lite, fun etc, when she calls

week two she starts calling a lot -> (no relationship talk either of us)

more calls -> i miss you, etc etc

week three -> excuse by her to get together, lasts four hours, she buys dinner -> I bring up whats going on (not too much pressure) she says shes still deciding. i get a little sad, she feels guilty, able to clean it up well before night ends. she says to not get my hopes up and kssing not ok right now.

next day -> not expecting her to call, she calls 3 times (i avoid) send simple text message at end of day.

today -> she calls again to "chat" more stuff is coming up, but no i repeat not the relationship. she is asking about my quitting smoking and job search. I make it lite, get off first. ok so she misses me.

The truth: this is very hard for me there is a lot that doesnt make sense.

So i can keep doing no contact but am i just setting the stage to be a "cake and eat it too" situation, she can call when she is lonely but....

we have been together three years. i dont understand what the two months is. what doesnt she know. I am contemplating asking for two weeks of no contact so that i can treat her "dont get your hopes up" comment as real, and she can see what its like without me. This is setting the stage for me to move on, on my terms.

any advice here?

two and half weeks into a break off/up. She had left completely than changed it to i need time - two months to decide. She started calling - a lot.

I used no contact rules. even though it was killing me. i kept it light and fun no pressure. zero.

she wants to get together over something simple, helping get some things from her moms (completely unecessary). supposed to be a short trip maybe half an hour. She hangs out. wants to go for a walk, holds my hand, puts her arm in mine, we are having a great time. i go to pick something up and she starts rubbing my back.

ok so i stay focused and lets go pick the stuff up while its still light. after shes want to get dinner, she'll treat. the half hour is now almost four hours.

so for someone who wants to move on or have space this is weird right, signals right. WRONG.

Do not give your power away, I let dinner go on and made the mistake of asking her what was up. dinner had been going fine and we were having a good time. I ended up restating my case for being together, she told me she was still deciding.

I should have left it there, instead i did raise a fuss (mild) about sending mixed signals. BAD MOVE - of course shes sending mixed signals. the date ended a little early with her feeling guilty, i was sad, kissed her goodnight and feel i have completely blown it.

She did tell me things i needed to hear about why the break for her, but she is still glued to the two months thing. She also said kissing right now is not a good idea.

Bottom line - i got good information but lost my power, I gave it away by showing my feelings and telling her we should try to make it work before its too late.

So a word to the trying to get wise: dont throw out your power too soon as i did, let them tell you. shes clearly confused and doesnt know boundaries. I did learn that my financial difficulties of the last two years are a part of her decision. so thats good but painful, i needed to address this stuff anyway. now i feel i have pushed her away

Let them miss you. dont misread signals and think its an opportunity. they have to actually SAY something dont read into it. DONT take the fact that they want to go to dinner or touch you as a sign that they want to get back together.

I should have played by the fact that i can only control me and not pushed for more clarity, becuase there is none. And its not going to happen on my time its on hers. Of course i want it to work out and im scared and i see the reasons. DONT lose control, let them fall into you without throwing it away. Now i have to go back to "no contact" again for me, but she can call i can't even though she has asked me to. and i am in pain. I am scared that i have made her strong against me and shown that lack of clarity hurts me. this is hard. My gut has been telling me shes done because she sends no positive signals, true/untrue? cant tell from her behaviour, but she is strong. Her ex husband is now helping out with things that i was going to do for her.

Do i send an email saying calling is fine, hangin out is fine, dont feel bad i just had a bad night? or "no contact again period?

so learn from my experience - any advice for me?

Hi

Im in a most difficult position. my girlfriend and i have been struggling with her lack of interest in sex. We broke up recently (her doing) a surprise, i have been the one with doubts. She is still wrestling with the whole thing. I have maintained no contact, she has not, calling, i miss you, i miss hanging out, etc. Now we going to do something together tonight.

History:

this has happened to her six times now, she is hot in the beginning, cools off and shuts down, she is also emotionally closed off. Boyfriends have dumped her becuase of no sex. then after they have been friends for a while they have sex again and its better.

I have tried to tell her that if she doesnt do therapy this will probably always happen. Its frustrating for me becuase we have a loving, suportive relationship and have both been thinking long term. She has said it but she is trying to decide if we become friends or get back together. and its pretty much around that issue. I have said i will work on my issues.

Do i say anything to her about this? that if we are friends if she calls me two years from now with the same problem with a new guy i would say the same thing "you have to go to therapy, just changing guys isnt going to do it"

I dont think she is done with me but confused. how much do i say? or just be her friend? I love her a lot and want to work it out i just dont know the boundaries here. do i keep doing limited and no contact to make her miss me and let that drive her sexual interest?

Hmmm. background: she broke up with me two and half weeks ago. Huge surprise. 3 years. good couple, have some issues but mostly decent match.

I have had problems with her "stuff" and made it an excuse not to move in on two invitations. She broke it off saying it wasnt working. I imediately told her my mistakes, selfish, stubborn, but mostly i was being uncomittal. She said i need two months.

Begin "No Contact" i havent called her, etc etc. She has been calling me, a lot. I started not answering some for fear of it being "too" comfortable for her. how can she find anything out if she isnt alone? or dating, etc, etc.

So now. I needed to pick up stuff from her moms who mocving. Said i had a friend who would help and i would do it tomorrow. She says "no. no ill help you do it ill pick you up and well use the truck". She also changed from picking her stuff up to saying um later lets not worry about it.

And "i miss you" has changed to "i miss hanging out with you"

she asked "am i sending mixed signals?" and "i still have to figure some things out". um ok.

So when i see her these are the options i see please advise (combinatons allowed )

1. play it honest - "yes you are sendnig mixed signals, i question whether you can get an accurate read on your feelings about us if we are talking all the time"

2. be "limited contact" pick up the stuff, make small talk, say i miss you too when she says it again, dont take it any further unless she does"

3. set boudnaries "if you truly want to see what you want why dont you really try no contact and live with the outcome?"

4. From the heart "look you really dont seem like your into this two month thing, do you want to talk about how we can make this work, then go to separate corners and think about it, you tell me your fears, ill tell you mine and then lets see?"

5. aloof "hey thanks for the help, im glad we got this done, its great to see you, no i dont think we should talk, actually i have to get going"

Me: I want to give it another try, i realize (balanced) what i did wrong and if the two of us are willing to compromise then for gods sake we have a level of acceptance, humor, trust, friendship and love than most people ever find.

Your votes - write ins allowed.

Thanks

Its true people do want what they cant have, doesnt sound very honest with ourselves but we treasure that which we cant take for granted. My advice is to ditch him, in a nice way, just say this is a little too much for me (keep it short). let your heart be broken becuase the truth is he is taking everyone for granted here and he will do so until he gets the message. I dated two women once and i knew they both liked me a lot, but when love started to show i chose one, to be fair to me and to them.

I know that advice sounds hard, drop him nicely and say very little (he will know why, just say this is a little too hard to have half a relationship.) then beat feet. see no contact this is key to getting him back on your terms.

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this really works but not guaranteed. be the one who is unavailable if you can. I know its hard but if you dont prove your worth to him now he will always take you granted. It may be your best chance to get him solely with you, maybe not. If you can stand the pain then see him knowing that he is also with someone else. But it doesnt sound like that is ok with your heart.

On the friend, dont talk about your feelings to this "friend" they also gets the no contact treatment. You dont want someone telling your bo what you are feeling when you are playnig hard to get. you cant control him or what his friends say, one way to cover that is to say at the break up "listen you and i both know there are a lot of rumors around here, if you want to know if i said something, etc. You can call me to find out the truth".