rich_1517

one thing i realised early on was a "deciding period" was the most dangerous solution to the relationship.

someone may have adivsed her well. it allows for emotional ping pong to occur and remorse, regret, but not action. it gives the i miss you no chance to really be effective.

its one of the best exit plans. its borderline cruel to the dumpee but very effective for the dumper. she has had enough access to me to feel loved, definitely loss of contact on any real level with me but.

her emotional distance which was actually here when i returned two weeks before break up and i couldnt really see was growing. during the first week of the break up we kissed and she liked it a lot. then by week three she said no kissing, then week seven gives me my stuff.

now all those things could mean nothing, or could be saynig she didnt know how to let go and needed the time to do it. that she knows i am not the one, but has been with me so long she didnt know how to deal with the time. so two months, a safety net for her feelings while she built herself stronger against me.

i have to, i must get stronger to let this go.

thanks guys

i do not know what i will do. having been able to avoid impulsive behaviour and let the process of first stage depression, denial come and go i am now in anger. hopefully acceptance comes next, a much better place to operate from.

I may do nothing. but you guys are awesome. i have now learned to take something from everyone and then let it sit for a while so pour it on.

but this post and my current emotions i know are the balance coming back and i have honor that.

i post my name so if you are bored with my story you can ignore it.

well its down to one week and its been a journey.

its week seven of two months. apparrently i had my math wrong she said march 15th.

well i just changed this post to reflect where i am.

i am angry at her and myself. god do we give away power! i am so angry that i let her run over my feelings this way. who did i pick for a mate?

true she did not ask me to wait but her calling, coming by when i was clearly wanting an answer was wrong!!!. i know what i am feeling is normal as i take stock in the last seven weeks and the desperation i felt.

man did i pick a winner. though i have loved her a lot, and if we could find each other again i would marry her. i am furious that she could be cavalier with my feelings in this way (Mar, Avman, Etc, dont start cheering, i know you were waiting for this

how could i allow it? it was inconsiderate at best, cruel at worst but even worse than that she didnt think it through at all. she let me lift her up and took the opportunity to be cavalier about it. When she called yesterday to ask if i would hang out with her and her son, i asked if she had read the letter, she said "she skiimed it!" it wasnt long maybe eight paragraphs.

when i told her i had come a long way to get to her, that my self respect was involved now, that the changes i was making were making it hard to wait. she said "you want to start playing with your new toy?" meaning me.

I know she is emotionally insulated but i am a fool. i am furious that i did this to myself, and allowed her to take advantage of it.

if we backtrack, i was depressed and had hit bottom after i cam home from NJ, i had put my father who has been my best friend into a demenita care facility. I needed her, i lost my best friend and she was the anchor i needed. my confidence and self respect were at all time low.

i am incensed that i couldnt throw a safety net up, but i was hurting and it took all my energy not to obsess, or do something foolish.

So now i am faced with the fact that i have offered marriage, made changes and offered more to someone who is "non chalant" about me, deciding.

though it is now down to a week I am ready to send an email that says.

"take as long as you want to decide. I am not waiting. I do not see a week making any difference in your feelings towards me. i meant everything i said and my committment was real, perhaps to late to do any good but it was honest and from the heart.

you have giving me no reason to stay and while you say one week is all that is left, i cannot see what one week will change in the the abscense of feelings you seem to have. I made a major committment to you, i was not expecting the world to collapse at that, but i cannot see you saying "come live with me" at this point.

I no longer wish to swing in the breeze of your indecision, especially when its my future and self respect in the balance."

so anyone want to stop me? i will do nothing for two days but i have reached my breaking point.

Arrrgggghhhhh

first off relax, being in love this way the first time is incredible, some people try to recapture that feeling the rest of their lives.

but you have to rein it in, you must win her heart to share in that love. if you overwhelm her with too much feelings she may run. but how does she feel do you know? I would also take her entire name out the post it doesnt take a genuis to fill in those blanks.

remember this is something new, but it is happening to you. its how nature works, if it didnt we would have any kids.

be attentive but also dont fawn on her, take her on dates but sometimes be a little unavailable. you are still early enough in things to make the chase part of the game.

its best if you are both head over heels or you will get hurt, so wait until she starts to show some of the feelings you have. tell her you love her when you feel its right, but not out of desperation of losing her EVER, its never comes off right. but what you feeling is normal, we have all been there and survived it. she is just a girl remember that, love her all you want but she is human.

but mostly relax and enjoy, this is a great time in your life, just relax. the key is to get her to the same place as you. what types of things does she like? what does she like to do? what kind of food? do somethings but not all. remember you are seducing her love.

Thats great!

my suggestions are about giving and recieving feedback, but first about telling the truth no matter how hard.

i dont mean painful truths like "your ugly"

I mean truths like "it hurts when you look at other women". vulnerability is hard to express, its also important that its mature as well. sometimes we bottle things up so tight they come out petulant or needy. i would look there first before saying something. a good rule of thumb is "how would i react if he said this to me?"

there are great books out there about communication in relationship i would get one.

On giving feedback i have found this works really well. I dont tell someone who they are, or why they do things, no one ever responds well to "you just say that because youre......."

its best i have found to say:

"when you look at other women" 1. observation

"i think you are interested in them" 2. perception

"it makes me feel like you dont find me attractive" 3. feelings

"i need to know you find me attractive" 4. need

its all about need in the end for people, that example may not fit but the formula works for anything. it brings compasion instead of reaction into the other persons response to your feedback.

on receiving feedback i suggest letting the other person say what they need to, without interrupting or reacting. this is very hard for anyone. but most arguments start becuase no one can say what they mean. its more about listening then hearing.

hope it helps, i still relearn this stuff. while i was writing i had an argument with my roomate then i slowed it down and did pretty much what i said above. it works.

I put my name in the post so if you are bored with my story (i have posted a lot) you can ignore it.

so its now seven weeks (well six weeks of the two months). of a two months deciding period from my girlfriend. better to call that ex. i never should have agreed to the deciding period and have almost called it off twice.

three years together. lots of love, fun, compatible values, intelligence and attraction. very comfortable.

she has intimicy issues meaning she withdraws over time. she has tried to be more attentive with physcal touching etc. and in bed has said if i initiate its ok. but i got frustrated at lack of attention, and wanted more. I became less accepting and pushed her away.

my business failed and my father developed alzheimers, he has been my best friend.

when i got back from putting my dad into a faiclity over christmas i was hurting bad from the finances and the trip. something was up with her but i coulnt see it until later. i asked if she would ever change and give me the support i needed? she said no and left. in the next talks she said what would be different? i told her i had blown it by not committing (she asked me to move in twice) and was takin gout my hard times on her and could have been more accepting.

she tells me that her reasons for her concerns about not continuing are my smoking, lack of financial stability, and not being more willing to do things.

ok so to bring you up to date: i subsequently proposed to her telling her i wanted her in my life, that the changes were happening. i told her i do not need an answer to marriage right now but i do need to know if she wants to have any relationship at all, and soon. i do want to marry her, its not a ploy. I dont think she sees that way either. we had talked long haul before and i felt she should know before it was too late. shes says "i still need the two months." grrrr.

(oh she was very happy with the proposal, she got misty and smiled like the cheshire cat, but then her head kicked in and she said she has to decide still)

she begins calling again we start hanging out. platonic dates, i am tense but have a good time, make jokes and she has a good time too.

then i go to her house to talk about the proposal and saying i dont need an answer on it now. the flowers i got her the day after i propose and my short letter saying i need another chance to prove your love for me was right" is on her table in the vase i gave her last year for vday. ok thats a good sign.

as we get ready to go for a walk, her mom calls, she mutes the phone so her mom doesnt know i am there. and as we go out the door she says wait you have some stuff here. and hands me books etc. to take. ok ouch.

when we talk she says she is still deciding and that she says the changes i have made may go away if things were back to normal. (got the job, quitting smoking now, going out more). she says she is trying to imagine things in the future and see how they feel. i tell her if these things are not feelings based but how we work together lets solve them together. she says the feelings and "things" are intertwined and i cant help. Hmmm. ok.

so we go back to her house and have dinner, we joke around. she wants to go see a movie today with me. we were going to go to costco after dinner to get me the patch, but i realise i am feeling like a ghost walking around her house and tell her i should get going. so i leave, we hug, she then comes outside to say she had a nice time and was good to see me.

ok, whats going is that she has said she doesnt want to get my hopes up, that during this deciding period we have to be friends. well im kind of tired of it.

she is a person who is emotionally lazy. she is literally processing everything at half speed and has given herself a deadline to done. yes frustrating considering i hooked my future into that process.

I am not optimistic and was ready to send a heartfelt letter of "i understand you need time, but to wait i need to know that you want to pursue a relationship on some level or i have to move on."

I go on to say that has she considered a middle ground, that it doesnt have to be all or nothing. that i have laid my heart out and thats ok if i know there is something to work for.

well i didnt send it. i was ready to but a friend said, well if you want to end it do it. i said she doesnt have the expereience to consider options here. he said she asked for two months, give her two months (two weeks till over). sheesh.

ok so now i am thinking of sending the letter with less ultimatum in it. But i need to know she is willing to meet me on this at some level or i have to move on. left to just her, i think she will waffle all the way through this, not consider options and well stay confused and hurt us both.

my letter says prettty much that we have three years together, clearly love each other still and that its worth a compromise. that the loss that is coming is worth trying a six month move in to see if we can do it together.

so here I am stuck with the following options:

1. do nothing and hang out still showing her i can be the guy she fell in love with originally.

2. push a little with the letter to say consider options and the implication that she wont have me as a friend until enough time has passed that i can truly be one.

3. do nothing and be unavailable creating some tension and preview of my abscense while she decides (this with or without letter)

4. break it off on my terms saying i need an answer now, that i understand. but the ambiguity is too unhealthy for me, and that if she will consider options i will wait. to consider living together for six months to see if the changes are real. but that if she cannot meet me at all, if she must be completely cut off then i have to intepret that as no.

HELP!!!

i am trying to rekindle a relationship. seven weeks since break up. she left saying she needed time. she is not pursuing anyone.

after obsessing, hurting, etc. We begain to talk, she would make contact but of no substance.

during this time i changed quite a bit about myself, steady job after failed business. willing to commit, realised values were old. want the family.

so i realised that i want to marry this girl. and proposed, it wasnt needy or desperate, just that i had changed and i also talked about what i was willing to do differently to make us work.

so she is still deciding. but says things like my committing weigh in as factors. she is deciding what the flavor of her love is, meaning as i understand it now, she loves me but has doubts, fears.

what i am dealing with is someone who avoids feelings, being a "feeler" means this makes me want to pursue, so other than proposing i havent called, sent flowers (until after proposal) i am giving her the space she needs to decide. with some mistakes of boundaries along the way, she would call too much or send mixed signals.

so this is very hard, she is so emotionally removed i couldnt tell you a thing about what she is thinking. I looked up our pattern and its a mild case of love addict/avoidant. meaning i love being in love, she expects me to provide the intimicay but is terrified of being too intimate.

what have i done to myself? i love her very much, and could see us together for life. but how do i handle this period of waiting for her to decide while she is so cold?

I have suggested platonic dates to hang out and rekindle. she said are you sure you would be ok with that? i said i think so but i would prefer it be a date. she said it has to be platonic while she decides. ARRGGHH!

I could really use advice here, I know that i must be confident and not needy, but i also think i need to keep sending the love interest message to support my proposal. yes it was necessary she needed to know i had changed my values and was willing to commit.

So how do i proceed to pursue and respect space with someone who is very "unemotional"? i have sent a memories email, dropped off flowers. and havent done anything for three days (five since proposing)

Thanks in advance for your advice

i thought i would put my name in the title because i am a repeat poster so if you are getting bored with my story or reached your limit on it you can ignore it.

For those of you familiar skip to section 2

Section One

The Couple: 3 years together. lack of acceptance by both of the other, keep wanting the other to change. she wanted me to stop smoking, diet, take care of details. I wanted her to address being closed off emotionally and intimatly. But we both stayed, both are stubborn. a lot of love existed (still does for both). Best friends, always fun and compatible in most situations, complimentary values and beliefs.

The lead in to break up: work and family have been very hard. I became more frustrated and worried as my fathers health declined and business failed. I tried to find any kind of work but always have money problems. She has dealt with this for two years. loaned me money, meager trips. Has dealt with it fine. I became more frustrated with her lack of growth and used it to avoid moving in. as time moved the last four months i pulled back a lot and complained more.

The break up: I said it when i got back from putting my dad into a mental facility. Will this ever change? she said no and left. being passive aggressive she waited until she couldnt handle it anymore and split. then changed it to two months deciding period.

After Break up: devasted went to her a week in and said i would change, i had been ungrateful, unwilling to do work different, and uncommital, she said i still need two months. then a week later starts calling, and finds reason to hang out, finally after too many hours of this i ask "whats up?". she says still deciding. I dont like it much, im sad, she feels bad. I say dont call unless you want more than friends (she followed up next day with have to be friends right now, dont want to get your hopes up). then starts calling immediately afterward to chat. Sheesh i ask for a week of no contact to find a job.

Section Two

Havent quit smoking yet, got a good job. cleaning up financial history.

well i proposed to her yesterday. kept it simple, coffee shop, the words were more important than the setting. and normal was important because we are separated so fancy and inimtate were out. The words were, why my part caused the break up, what has changed, how i feel and want, what i am willing to do.

she was floored, when she was in her heart her face lit up and she was misty, she almost stopped me from the actual kneeling proposal and i was terrified, she said no its just theres so many people around, i laughed and did it anyway. she fell into me.

so then her head kicks in and she says i cant decide right now. I said i wasnt expecting an answer right now, its kind of a big decision.

the fact is i had not been committing and i knew she was hurt over and over about that. So i have put on the table that i am committing and willing to make the changes that are needed to support a marriage and family.

she said she is still deciding about what kind of love she has for me "friend or more" this is coming from a girl who cant go to the movies right now. I didnt say i cant either, (I dont like missing her that much, i imagine that she doesnt either.) hopefully she will find the right friend who will tell her "in love" comes and goes, but love is always there. obviously she feel out of love. thats hard but i am trying to "wake" that up.

So i am pursuing, giving the romance that wasnt there for a long time, not demanding an answer, flowers and notes that say basically "i need the second chance to prove you were right to love me" no intentional direct contact.

well thats not working, again i am trying to drop off flowers at her office and we run into each other. end up talking, which is good because its make normal start to come into the picture.

So i told her that i am pursuing her, that i want the second chance to prove she was right to love me. she didnt stop me or ask me not to pursue. this is a good thing, again she said she hasnt decided, again i say i wasnt asking her to now. but at some point i will put a limit on the deal. it shows i respect myself enough not to swing in the breeze for ever and that these changes plus what i already have to offer make me marriage material (i wont say that its implied)

SO - i need romantic suggestions in the form of letters, cute but not pushy things to do (ALL STEALtH) she has to decide when and where to hang out. which happened today because i sent her the "memories" email: a list of the things we have done over the years, she went to meet me where she would knew i would be but i was late getting flowers for her.

so any ideas of how to win her back in the form of letters, flower, and other are very welcome. boundary stuff as well, but not at this point second guessing or why i have to do no contact anymore.

What i am learning

No contact is for myself in the early stages of hurt, obession and loss. rebuild myself before taking action.

if they broke it off they have the time table which could be never or next week, but better to let go anyway and see "if" they contact.

it is ok to make boundaries of no contact for your self if they are calling, coming, over but have nothing to say or are trying to become friends. its better if you can avoid contact without telling them you need space becuse it shows you are hurt. Lets face it it does hurt but it does nothing more than make them feel guilty, which wont help.

thanks ceecee

whats holding me up is no contact. becuase i have doubts and i had to cut her off from calling once because of mixed signals that she only called once and i think it made her sad.

i am back and forth on this. i believe the concept that she has to miss me to more open to the "idea" of starting again, so i follow no contact.

at the same time i am afraid that a woman will make her mind up when there is lack of evidence besides just her feelings. meaing i gave her serious doubts, and feel i have to address them again, and soon.

some of the senior members feel that five weeks is too soon and that i should wait longer and let her miss me more, i should change more and that will make a better footing.

and i have the unshakeable fear that she is done with me. so jus the idea is terrifying, but when i know its time to go do it i will, she means that much to me.

See why im confused?

Hi

well i wont bore you totally. the girl left five weeks ago.

i knew the moment she left i had been trapped in my own crap for way too long. I used to make a lot of money then my business started to fail. I got into a lot of fear and stopped living in the moment, bills piled up and well you get the idea.

this imapcted the relationship. so did my not committing and giving her a hard time about something i had trouble accepting. dont get me wrong there was a lot there we both loved about each other and this break up has been hard.

she asked for a two month deciding period of boyfriend or friend.

i knew at once i was in trouble, that she was the girl and i had created real doubts.

so the scoop from her mom is she wants stable income, and marriage and kids. i didnt know this. she said she is not pursuing anyone else, so get busy.

so here i am with no contact, she actually called a lot in week 2 and 3, i was still huring but put a good face on it. had a way too long date that made me ask "whats up" she said still deciding. eep.

so forget the rest that followed i had to ask for a week of no contact to find work.

now i am stuck, i know i want to marry her and that i may be too late. I also know she is not the emotionally open type so she may just let things fall apart on their own, she has a lot of reasons to doubt.

do i go to her? tell her that i am want to go the distance, or do i run the risk that i will never get to tell her becuase i am obeying no contact so that she will miss me and change her mind? the fact is she wont change her mind with the info she has now. HELP

I wont go through the background. but 3 years, she left 5 weeks ago saying i need two months to decide. We had some problems going in but i held most of them. my business failed and i didnt want to face it so this lead to harder and harder financial times, i was also not committing.

Ok so she didnt say much at the break up, just i need to be alone. I was floored.

I went to her at one week out and said that i knew i had screwed up, that i hadnt committed becuase i was scared, that i felt i wasnt holding up my end of the financial side, that i made her feel bad by not accepting some things about her. Up to this point we have had a loving relationship with me gripping now and then about xxx not happening more.

Ok so i do no contact, and have pretty much until she went way over the boundaries and i asked her not to call while looked for work. She has not talked about relationship at all. Has looked like she is done, and she may be. Her calls though have always contained "hows quitting smoking?" "the job" she has actually offered twice to buy me the patch. should i let her?

Her mom sent me a blank email, this lead to me calling her and she said:

exactly the things i had apologised for. that she wants to be married and have kids, that she wants a partner with a stable income and lifestyle, and no smoking.

her mom was glad she made the change because she normally would just sit in it and not change. But her mom is not opposed to me and basically said "get busy" and that there is no one else she is pursuing.

her mom was very clear that she wants to be married, not just living with. I know i already want to marry her i have just been scared and caught in my own problems.

So there are three weeks left to the "deciding period" other than the obvious secure a job, quit smoking and be more confident does anyone have suggestions about how i proceed from here.

am i putting a lot of expecations on these changes? yes, did they need to happen anyway. definitely, i dont want to date anymore, i want to settle down and have kids and i love this woman very much.

i wont run to her and say "look i've changed" but i will bring up things in conversation like, "yeah i like the job, its different but more secure" no sales pitch. I have to let her drive still.

so do i just continue no contact and let her see the changes? is it time for some pursuit, a flower or two. i am starting to think no contact is sending her the message that i am moving on and she may just let go out of sadness.

personally i want to send a note with a white flower: "i will respect the time you have asked for and just know i love and miss you, i am changing and these things had to happen anyway."

i know that is counter to no contact im just not sure its a fit anymore. she had real reasons to leave, and my willingness to committ is one of them.

advice welcome.

Thanks Beec

Most of the posts here i find are honest and well thought out. I was on another board and got a guy who is just negative about everything, but i also realised that some friends have motives that are suspect around this issue. hers i think wants misery company becuase life is horrid, Mine doesnt want to left alone if i move, and i girl i know wants me to end it so she can have me. sheesh.

Well after some thought i realised that it must be after at least one more phone call, maybe two. The last one could be just "checking in", she will have to show some sign of weakening before i jump the gun. resolve may be where she is and i dont want to run into it thank you.

You are correct, i have to lay off the emotions. its a question of pitch without pressure. or letting enough casual contact happen to let it flow naturally. the problem with that again is she will the last one to take an emotional risk. I may have to go that route anyway.

This also buys me time to quit smoking and to be sure i have secured some regular employment. both of which will make me feel a whole lot better about myself and increase my personal footing.

Still want advice on this.... thanks in advane

I thought i would put my name in the title because i am a repeat poster so if you are getting bored with my story or reached your limit on it you can ignore it.

For those of you familiar skip to section 2

Section One

The Couple: 3 years together. lack of acceptance by both of the other, keep wanting the other to change. she wanted me to stop smoking, diet, take care of details. I wanted her to address being closed off emotionally and intimatly. But we both stayed, both are stubborn. a lot of love existed (still does for both). Best friends, always fun and compatible in most situations, complimentary values and beliefs.

The lead in to break up: work and family have been very hard. I became more frustrated and worried as my fathers health declined and business failed. I tried to find any kind of work but always have money problems. She has dealt with this for two years. loaned me money, meager trips. Has dealt with it fine. I became more frustrated with her lack of growth and used it to avoid moving in. as time moved the last four months i pulled back a lot and complained more.

The break up: I said it when i got back from putting my dad into a mental facility. Will this ever change? she said no and left. being passive aggressive she waited until she couldnt handle it anymore and split. then changed it to two months deciding period.

After Break up: devasted went to her a week in and said i would change, i had been ungrateful, unwilling to do work different, and uncommital, she said i still need two months. then a week later starts calling, and finds reason to hang out, finally after too many hours of this i ask "whats up?". she says still deciding. I dont like it much, im sad, she feels bad. I say dont call unless you want more than friends (she followed up next day with have to be friends right now, dont want to get your hopes up). then starts calling immediately afterward to chat. Sheesh i ask for a week of no contact to find a job.

Section Two

Week 5 since break up

So she called. it was drive by emotionally but she wanted to know if there were changes, work, smoking (I said job comes first then smoking, too much to do at once) i turned the questions back onto her and is she ok? she sounded sad, and a little lost, i got off after a few minutes but said glad you called. She started off concerned about me, like "are you ok?"

Ok, im starting to have trouble with this. In my past i have taken this opportunity to try and clear the air with break ups. This one was very open, unclear and well frustrating. I am in a "deciding period" with a lot of cautions issued by her about not getting my hopes up.

My instincts tell me its time to contact her and ask her how things are going "really". That five weeks has passed and this is how i feel, what i am willing to do and that im prepared to hear no, but the ambiguity has to stop. its either yes lets try to work this out or no it isnt.

I am tired of projecting by default that i am sitting here waiting for the not so anticipated two months to expire, it wont be good, or she will just say "i dont know". while this time has given me a chance to face and begin correcting the mistakes i have made and what i have to change. its kind of hard to stay centered and also feel i am leaving the deicision completely in her hands.

I want to say I love you and i am prepared to hear no, but i need your answer so i can move on with my life, but i do want to know your reasons so i dont make these same mistakes again with someone else.

I understand i may also be getting nervous about her calling, and that she is trying to make contact on some level, but she is so bad with expressing her feelings that she may not be able to. I cant help her with that i know, and i cant read into yet until she calls more. She knows now i do not want to pursue only a friendship. so is this a sit on my hands and wait? or is it getting close to being more direct?

What Iam learning:

The friends/posters have thier own motives for advice

That in the end i must get grounded enough to decide what i want

That the grass isnt always greener on their side of the fence

That I am worthy of having someone love me and want to work on getting through problems

What I want?

to have that chance to show up, to see if both of us BOTH are now willing to compromise more now that we have seen what alone looks like. It may not work out, but its my wish.

Advice Wanted

a couple things to think about. what do you imagine in your mind when you think of kissing? is it appealing or other? start there.

you may be so nervous you cant enjoy it, try to relax, if you know this guy likes you then maybe trust him if you can. im sure there is better advice out there but i have been complimented on my kissing for decades seriously though. listen to your feelings not your head, let it happen and relax, it will be ok.

things have chagned a little since my first kiss, do you want to be the one to initiate or receive the kiss? sometimes people want to either be in control or not. I dont know if this is helping but i guess i just want to say you will be ok every new thing is scary sometimes.

Hey

i can relate to those feelings. there is probably more here, many people go through that phase of i need to be alone right now and it crushes those who are in love with them.

If you have tried the carrot maybe now the stick? meaning and not to be harsh but maybe its time give him what he wants, see the "no contact" section link removed

its says pretty much all the reasons to let someone go their own way when they say they want to. i have been doing it and its hard. but there are three very good reasons i see in your case

1. respect the space he asks for will show you care enough to let him go even though you dont want to.

2. he will miss you more and may have more doubts if you arent there to make him feel better.

3. you can take the time to see how YOU feel. we kind of miss that part we get so busy worrying about the next thing they are going to do.

How to break it off, its hard my only advice would be to say. I love you and i understand your reasons for not being together. I will respect that you want to be alone right now. i will miss you. dont over complicate it, keep it simple and the truth.

Now is the part you really need to pay attention to "no contact" rules about. they work, if only for you. I am five weeks into a breakup and she is making contact, i have no idea where mine is headed, but i am getting stronger for it. I know this is hard but it sounds like he doesnt want to totally lose you, but you have to let go to find out. keep me posted

OK theres a lot here and im trying to understand. I see a lot from your perspective, he said almost nothing leading up to this? He sounds like he is confused (obviously). is it possible xxx is more important than he is willing to say.

I didnt see his reasons listed, what were they?

He is sending mixed signals, I would cut him off until he can be clearer about what he wants. My ex dropped by for hanging out, arm in arm, rubbing my back then says we have to be friends for right now. One sided physical contact is not cool, its not friends its "i need to touch you, but im not comfortable with you touching me" i dont know the root of it but it shows a real fear of committment, like a kid grabbing candy from the jar when no one is looking.

It takes time to be friends, I am friends with all my ex's becuase we see things in each other from different times in our lives that no one else has.

But if one person has stronger feelings than the other or a mixed motive its very hard to do. If you have feelings and can handle it I would say I need time to heal up and put the relationship behind me to become just your friend. I will call you when i am ready.

If on the other hand you want more, then i would see the no contact section on this site, it seems weird at first and hard to do but it seems to be effective at getting an ex to be more clear. good luck!

link removed

it depends on the nature and reasons of the break up i think. why did he leave, were there things he wanted different?

IMO you should let a little more tension build before you call, only return his calls when you think you are in control of your own feelings.

remember he broke it off, i would say he has to start opening up about that enough that you can get a real read on it before you let him off the hook. lets face it everyone gets lonely after a break up and can call or try to make contact, that is very different from "I want you back".

to protect yourself i would wait until you hear some regret about the breakup, or in his case becuase hes uncomfortable with it that you know thats whats hes trying to do. he found the strength to break it off, maybe he can find the strength to come back.

That would be my suggestion, if you know you just want to be friends the it doesnt matter, if you want more you may have to hold out. i dont know if this helps but..

Neallo you are too cool, hey even if it doesnt work out this forum has been my path for recovery.

i thought i would put my name in the title because i am a repeat poster so if you are getting bored with my story or reached your limit on it you can ignore it.

For those of you familiar skip to section 2

Section One

The Couple: 3 years together. lack of acceptance by both of the other, keep wanting the other to change. she wanted me to stop smoking, diet, take care of details. I wanted her to address being closed off emotionally and intimatly. But we both stayed, both are stubborn. a lot of love existed (still does for both). Best friends, always fun and compatible in most situations, complimentary values and beliefs.

The lead in to break up: work and family have been very hard. I became more frustrated and worried as my fathers health declined and business failed. I tried to find any kind of work but always have money problems. She has dealt with this for two years. loaned me money, meager trips. Has dealt with it fine. I became more frustrated with her lack of growth and used it to avoid moving in. as time moved the last four months i pulled back a lot and complained more.

The break up: I said it when i got back from putting my dad into a mental facility. Will this ever change? she said no and left. being passive aggressive she waited until she couldnt handle it anymore and split. then changed it to two months deciding period.

After Break up: devasted went to her a week in and said i would change, i had been ungrateful, unwilling to do work different, and uncommital, she said i still need two months. then a week later starts calling, and finds reason to hang out, finally after too many hours of this i ask "whats up?". she says still deciding. I dont like it much, im sad, she feels bad. I say dont call unless you want more than friends (she followed up next day with have to be friends right now, dont want to get your hopes up). then starts calling immediately afterward to chat. Sheesh i ask for a week of no contact to find a job.

Section Two

Week 5 since break up

Update: the week of no contact i requested has passed and i am working actively to forgive myself for not showing up more. I am realizing this is the hardest part of letting go right now. As long as i play the "if i only had... insert whatever here" this would be different. a deadly trap and leads to obsession.

Since the break. i have treated it as a break up but very hurt, sad, confused and obsessing. i dont like the obsessing part at all and have seen how destructive it is personally and to SEEING the relationship accurately.

Have been doing no contact (me not calling, no flowers, no emails, no text) since week one. I am respecting her space but also hoping that she will miss me enough to reconsider. This is catch 22 though, i have to act as if everything is fine, until it is.

Working on making the changes around work and lifestyle, but not tying as much to getting her back, i am actively trying to project until it is real, that i am ok and will be ok.

So she called, over one meaningless thing and about her computer. Then she started asking questions, how are you, are you going out a lot (no dating questions) i turned it over to ask how she is. she seems sad and lonely, wanted to be sure i had her new office number, etc. I felt very comfortable sending the "im ok, how are u" message. I got off early but she clearly wanted to keep talking, she didnt know if it was ok to call me after i had said wanted no contact, and the week had expired. i told her it was ok. anyone see anything here let me know, i am treating it as just a phone call. One thing that concerned me was she seemed initially worried that i was ok. i have to live with that and just um, be ok.

What i am learning

that they arent having the time of their life after

that sad but true some people love us but cant be with us

that obssession is a killer for moving on, self and reconcilliation

that i must forgive myself because she cant and even if she did it wouldnt remove my regrets i must do it.

that hope and no hope are dangerous either way in a situation like this

What I want?

to have that chance to show up, to see if both of us BOTH are now willing to compromise more now that we have seen what alone looks like. It may not work out, but its my wish.

Hey guys

first off i feel your pain. mines gone a month now. sad truth we have to plan like they arent coming back. its that forever concept that kills us. so my advice to us all is to act as if. meaning we cant let go right this moment, but we can start planning for it.

Its painful, but they are only women and there are more. there is no one perfect match, mine had problems and i had a hard time accepting them so in my case hopefully the next one wont have them.

acting as if:

work out

go on a date

keep reading your negatives list, except this time accept that those things really were true.

be nice to yourself and put down the beat me stick. regret and remorse will only make healing longer.

hate them if you need to for now, knowing that you wont later

forgive them if you can becuase you are also forgiving yourself

put anything that is theirs into a bag and throw it into the back of the closet

go for walks, a lot, be outside whenever you can

find old friends (dont talk about, if they ask tell them you dont want to talk about it but when you are ready you will)

put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it real hard when you think of them. it actually works.

put away any pictures of her

put away any special items that remind you of her

remake your bedroom a way you like it, changing the space can change the mind

I am tired and frustrated. Girl of three years, i made mistakes and have owned them to her. She left with a "two month deciding period". during that time i have done no contact then set boundaries when she called a lot and is "still deciding". I am afraid that the open endedness of this puts the whole thing on her terms, and is damaging to moving on and/or reconcilliation. She has not really gone over her reasons why.

She has called twice today, no message. My gut tells me its to end it (uh hem, offically) dont know.

in an email (i dont know if we need to meet or not, everything has been said) this is to turn a "deciding period" into more my terms.

"you know how i have felt and that i wanted to work this through because i believe we are worth it and i love you. But this has become very unclear and i have to start treating this as over so i can move on.

It also allows me to start taking care of past business with you, paying you back and returning your things. So for me im taking the pressure off of waiting for a decision.

I wish it had been different, i wish we had maybe fought more or made harder lines to cross over to get here. I have to ask if something happened while i was gone to make your decision so fast, or was it just too much? you can answer that or not, i was curious because you changed so much when i got home.

You also dont have to answer this email. I could tell you about the regrets i have and what i was willing to change but you know those. I will miss you."

I feel pretty solid about it, its just the sending im nervous about.

thanks guy i was having a particularly bad day and felt it was important to share the dark depths of my despair so i could see it and fix it.

this whole waiting period is actually a result of my asking for an alternative to a break up. bad idea.

Your advice is awesome both of but MAR you are dead on and its what i would hope i could say to someone in my shoes.

I am feeling sorry for myself, and its that aspect that makes me angry, that i am/have and not picking me up. I just got slapped this last year pretty hard and trying to land on my feet.

but thanks

Today is hard

its been al ittle over a month since she said bye. I am so scared right now that i gave away so much power and that i am loser.

I have struggled with work for 2-1/2 years, im 42 and things had looked good when we met. then within six months i was borrowing a lot. the economy flattened my business.

She asked for two months instead of full break up after i asked first day was there no other way? that was her solution. she picked up her clothes, made arrangements for her stuff and was gone.

I was so blown away, i had just come back from putting my dad into a dementia facility.

so why am i scared? i feel like a 42 year old loser, i am attractive, smart, funny and work hard, but the finances have been really bad. its all i think about and my pride is leveled.

I also sent a message of "its not ok to call if you just want to be friends" she had sent me an email saying "i dont want to get your hopes up" and "we have to be friends for now". she had been calling a lot during the third week and pushed to get together and hang out and go to dinner. It finally was too much and i asked "whats up?". she said still deciding.

Spoke to a common friend (more hers than mine) who basically said i sound pathetic when i asked if this two month thing was smoke or real, meaning was she really confused and deciding or just wanted to keep me dangling. the friend harped on the fact that i was willing to make changes, and didnt i want anything more out of life than this? hobbies, goals.

I got angry and said how in the world do you get that picture? i am afraid she is projecting that image to my ex. im hurting but im not pathetic, but it really bothers me this may be the perception.

I have been doing no contact (my not calling) since the break, except to call her and ask her for a week of no contact. now i am scared that she is done im a loser and that even my little hurts have shown i am weak and not worth pursuing. i am very down right now. can you tell? I miss her so much it hurts so bad. i needed her help now and im lost.

I feel that i overreacted to the whole break up and lost any grounds for easy contact by saying im not ready to be just friends yet. I struggle with calling but it would just make me feel worse to hear her not caring about me anymore, no i dont know what she is feeling but the cautions from her are scary. i am afraid i blew it by protecting my feelings and look weak.

i know you feel snubbed but if the end goal is to be together isnt that enough? but i know the feeling i used to be the planner but felt sometimes like others were more important.

If you are best friends, you could say something. make it simple like: "when i try to organise something for the 3 of us its easier if i know your plans, when you call jon theres a time delay for me." be funny about it dont make it a big, deal, if shes a friend she will respond well to it.

I understand i used to be shy, i dont know if that is your thing or not.

here are some things i learned over time im 42

dont look for friends look to be a friend

put yourself out to help someone else

to be interesting be interested

do you smile? people like smiles

point out things about people that are positive

does this sound like you are out giving ego strokes, maybe but you are also getting them back over time. its hard to break out of being lonely and alone, the point is people dont respond well to will you be my friend?

its better when you are one and then they realized they want you around more

listen to peoples problems and joys, take time out to help someone else, two things happen you make a friend and you feel less lonely

once you start over time you wont realise how many friends you really have