Pleasedonot5
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Posts posted by Pleasedonot5
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Hey, OP.
Welcome to ENA. Sorry you are going through the pain of heartbreak.
It is often easier to describe our exes as evil, blameworthy, or unstable, but it is not always a fair interpretation of events. You will not see it this way now, but the about the main thing she did "wrong" was break up with you. As far as you know, there was no actual infidelity. Further, without a medical diagnosis, it is not fair to speculate and call her a narcissist.
The more appropriate "story" from what I gather is: you two were doing okay. Then, she moved 1,000 miles away, which put a strain on the relationship. Because her needs were not being met (probably by virtue of the distance), she became interested in someone new she saw. Her attraction to Mr. Groomsman, plus the short spat at the wedding, gave her the push she needed to break up with you. She is now dealing with the loss of "security" that your relationship represented; hence she is still in contact with you while she tries to enjoy single life.
You are allowed to feel heartbroken, to grieve, and to be angry. Personally, I empathize most with your anger about that she is telling you about other guys while you are heartbroken. Everyone deals with loss in a different way, but that is pretty ***ty. I suggest politely limiting or ending contact with her. Failing to limit or cut contact will only cause you needless suffering.
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Having emotions is not useful to the current situation, or currently conductive to logical rational thought, which is to be patient and wait it out.
Hmm... maybe you mean something different, but I don't think this is the takeaway. You experienced emotion - information which told you something was not right. You spoke up to your partner. That was a solid thing to do. It sounded like she was receptive, no?
I agree that now that you have told her, it may be that you have to wait a week or two before knowing whether she has taken the information to heart. Patience is probably good, sure. But the emotions you experience will continue to guide you. They will tell you whether all is well or you are still feeling dissatisfied at that time.
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I do not think you are being needy and overbearing. You have been dating for some time now - she has even introduced you to her family. It's safe to say that this has passed "dating" and is now a "relationship" - right?
If so, you are allowed / encouraged to communicate your needs to a significant other. And since you are only seeing one another once every week or two, irregularly, there is probably room for more stability. Another poster suggested a weekly "standing date." Introducing one day per week where you see one another might provide you the stable level of interaction/intimacy you want or need.
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I tried. I honestly, really, earnestly tried. I gave more to this relationship to try to make it work than I ever have in my other relationships. It just wasn't working. We are incompatible; and I saw the effort on your end fade. I tried my best to explain all of the reasons to you during the breakup (wanting/not wanting kids, COVID differences, sexual incompatibilities, and a range of other reasons). I hope that you do not hate me and that, in time, you will not misconstrue my character or think me a bad person. However, if it helps to make me a villain, then whatever you need to do, I guess. I hope you come to realize that we are both better off this way. I hope you move on maturely and without vindictiveness.
I am rooting for you and hope you root for me too. Please, take care of yourself and stay safe.
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OP --
I really must emphasize that speaking to an attorney is a necessary step here to protect yourself and the kids, both legally and financially. You do not need to seek divorce right away. Seeing an attorney for legal and financial self-preservation is not a step toward divorce if you are not ready for that.
What you additionally fail to realize here is the age-old maxim that significant others often come back after you have seemed to leave and move on... Even though seeking an attorney or doing so and filing for divorce may seem unpleasant, when you remove that financial and emotional security from her... when the separation becomes "real" so to speak, the chance for reconciliation is probably higher than when you allow her wean herself off of you and the kids.
16 hours ago, rs5674 said:The kids think things are normal. They dont seem to think anything is wrong. They see it as mom just got a job somewhere else. She spoke with the in the last week and they think she is great and has a great new life. They love her more than me and dont understand what is happening. They think I am the lesser parent and I cant tell them the facts. Meanwhile she is out dating and drinking and being very hostile with me when we do talk.
This is self-pity and irresponsible conjecture. You are feeling this way because you think she is out there having fun while you are solely suffering with the loss. That little laugh your youngest had on the phone the other day or week? You are fixating on insubstantial things like that to support your conclusion that you are the lesser parent in their eyes when no such conclusion can reasonably be inferred from that. You are the kids' father. You stayed. They do and will continue to love you, I promise.
You do not need to suffer silently. Continue to post on this site, and if financially feasible, see a therapist. If not financially feasible, often universities' counseling programs offer free counseling to members of the public - perhaps there is one near you, or one through which you can remotely connect with a supervised student-therapist. In time, also, you will need to approach this issue with your kids. There is nothing wrong with the truth: it is what it is. And the truth will set you free.
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Literally every other post on my social media is bashing white people and men.
Look, not everyone with those descriptors are hateful towards your skin color or gender. Stop being hateful to others!
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The Scorch Trials... before that, Tangled. Lol[emoji23]
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When I see people who look like you, I find them so attractive. If only I could go back and tell myself what I know now. If only present me could date past you.
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Having to choose between apartments that are above my maximum rent budget, and unsafe areas.
The only place that met both criteria was full for several months.
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Feeling this today too. Hang in there.I do things my way. You don’t need to tell me what to do. Pee off. -
Emcee misannounced the class of the ballroom event for Cha Cha... So upon listening to the emcee we missed the semifinal round. We would have been called back to finals and probably placed top three (we made it to the finals for every other newcomer dance). Funny how they look out for other dancers by calling out their numbers if they are missing, but didn't call out to my partner and me. Great job emcee and line captain [emoji34]. Unfair.
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Department chair of the department currently about to cost me $3,000 in their screw-up (I'm working on it, it's well documented) is being an unhelpful, unethical, and hostile snot. His ego is really annoying... I could sue over this... How about you just solve the problem instead of being difficult.
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A resident who does NOTHING but sit around waiting for her local government leaders to make minor mistakes so she can derive satisfaction from calling them out publicly. Literally, not joking - that's what she does. THAT'S what is annoying me today. Embarrassed my boss and me in public over something small that was my fault. I'm less than a month into the job. There's being a vigilant citizen and then there is humiliating the new guy in front of all of the elected officials in the room. (Insert long series of swear words here). Now I'm being CC'd in emails from my boss.
I've literally done everything else right (despite busier weeks than usual for the office, for my FIRST weeks), now I can't wait to be treated like I am helpless. It was literally not sending an email for someone to post something to the website. It was not legally required. I was never told to. I have done every other one right.
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I'm not quite at the point where I can genuinely wish you well. I'm mostly competing against you now.
But anyways, good for you on being accepted to the doctorate program.
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Two Graduate midterms due this weekend. Ballroom competition and my partners and I haven't practiced enough. My main ballroom partner and her boyfriend are annoying today and I had to drive with them to my least favorite university. I'm overtired and I have to get up at 5:30 am for the competition, while staying up (it's currently 11 pm) to finish a midterm.
Finished my two stupid part time jobs today that were causing me 150/100 blood pressure (I'm 22 and a healthy weight). But now worried because they were working me to the bone today and I forgot to stop at the credit union for a deposit slip for the new full time job I'm starting Monday. Too many things all at once. I'm going to explode.
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Seething for you.You got the promotion! Well, you kinda got the promotion! Well, you may or may not have the promotion. If you see an opening you're interested in go ahead and apply and we'll get back to you.I put in a complaint with HR.
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My fearful avoidant attachment style is annoying me today! Gah, I only want people I cannot have, and then when it's possible to have them, I am no longer interested!
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I'm missing you again today. Again, I wish you could see me now. It's 2 years out and I am so much better now. I wonder what our relationship would be like if we reconnected. Though you'll probably get engaged to the new guy.
He'll never dance with you like I did, or be able to dance with you like I can now.
Does he have deep intellectual conversations with you?
Does he make your heart race like I did?
Is he focused on your athletic and career success like I was, actively connecting you and presenting you new opportunities?
If he's not those things and more, and is just a pretty face, goofy, with a career then what are you doing?
Come back home.
You won't. I know that. And I won't contact you while you are with someone else. I just hope I find you or find someone else like you again. If I find someone like you, whether you or another, I will not let them go again. Lesson learned.
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I still think of you sometimes. I wonder what life would be like if I showed you how great I can dance now. Maybe we could have danced together. I wonder how fun it would be if I showed you the new things I'm into, or if you saw the improvements I've made. I think that would have been great.
I'm doing much better now -- great enough that I don't need a relationship and I can be myself. In fact, the thought of a relationship with someone new scares me. It may be because of how poorly our situation went, or it may be because no one has given me the fireworks you gave me yet. It will happen - or it won't - but I'll be just fine in the meantime.
I hope you're doing well.
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My emotions re: you might be duller now that I have started externalizing my emotions on sites like this. But hey, you can still go to hell. (:
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I hate you. Hate hate hate you. You're vile for what you did. The success you coasted off of me, the treasured friends, organizations, and groups you stole. The fact that, despite that, I can't let go because our relationship was what I wanted. I never had the chance to have the unfettered space that I needed to realize that, because you muttled everything with your vindictive actions post-BU. I can't let go because you made me feel it's my fault for leaving you. WELL, it's your fault for sleeping with my close friend and colleague. It's your fault for giving up on us with your vindication. Your fault for not giving me the space I asked for, and coming to all my organization's events so I couldn't enjoy them. Your fault for talking to my friends, so I couldn't just have my own support system. Not mine for needing space to figure things out. That's a load of bull what you did, that two years down the line I'm not over us, and I bet your smug little mind thinks you were totally justified. I hate you, and I hate that I cannot bring myself to utter any of these mean words to you. I'm too polite in real life, and enotalone is the only place I can say this. Go to hell. I hate you, and I wish somehow I could be doing better than you. You don't deserve how well you are doing.
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I messed up and I never should have left you. I'm still thinking about you and me, even 2 years later.
I wish I knew how you were thinking/feeling after the break-up at each stage. For some reason, I feel like that would help a lot. I don't think you'll ever give me that explanation, though.
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Danielle,
I can't believe what you did. It was so out of character. You betrayed my trust so bad and made my life a wreck. You broke my heart and shattered my trust, you ruined some of my close friendships, and you took an organization I was professionally involved in from me.
Our relationship was perfect. I'm sorry for breaking up with you, but I needed it at the time. Had you not slept with a (former) good/close friend of mine, there is a significant possibility that we would be together and happy - able to work through any issues we had the first time, which admittedly were minor, although I needed time and space to rebuild myself.
You could have chosen any of the other 20,000 people on campus. Why one of my closest friends? Why did you ruin all possibility of trust, closure, and freedom from resentment for us?
If you still want something from me, do NOT expect me to pursue you. This is going to take trust and forgiveness in both ends - if you want this to work.
If not, have a nice life. And try not to take satisfaction in the turmoil in which you've thrown my love life and emotions.
Sincerely,
Zack
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If you really wanted me back like you said you wouldn't be acting like this. I know this is an emotional time but there's no excuse for acting like a child and trying to make me jealous, especially with all the history we had. I wouldn't do that to you. Even if it's unintentional, then it's childish. Grow up. Some people are seriously clueless as to how others' emotions work. Jealousy and acting out solves nothing -- just makes problems. It just makes you look like a child and it's frustrating because that's not who I initially dated. I really want things to work between us, but I can't because the feelings just aren't there anymore because you're different now. You're cooler (but still different) in person but behind the keyboard you're a whole different person. Regrettably, a lot of people are like that, I just thought you weren't one of them.
Perhaps I need to let it be but seeing someone sabotage their case like that just makes me cringe.
My God, social networking sucks. I need to stop looking at her twitter page.
Gutted Right Now
in Relationship Advice
Posted
She misses the "security" that you and your past relationship represent. So, she texts you to feel better when single life is not going so well. My advice: do not engage. Let her feel this loss too. If you do engage, I suggest politely asking for space as you try to heal and move on from the relationship.
Yep, all pretty typical. Maybe she'll think about that for a long time. Maybe not. The best thing for you now is to politely limit or cut contact, and try your best to move on.
I am sorry she was unnecessarily specific: that must have really stung. So, you know who it is. It does not sound like they are in the same vicinity. Additionally, it seems like you do not need to interact with this person regularly, so there is the silver lining. Consider blocking him on all of the socials while you heal from this.
I reckon most of us have had an ex jump from us to someone else. You will recover. Regarding your "toxic mind," I am not sure if I know what you mean. But, I assure you that it is normal to feel pain, to fixate, and to ruminate at this time. Try not to "stress about the stress," as that will only cause more suffering. Your current state of mind is just information: your body/mind is not enjoying this loss.