Pleasedonot5

Well, the brain fog is not getting better. I've noticed it even affects the way I write on here. I feel like I now struggle to put together a succinct, organized string of thoughts or even write grammatically sound sentences. I am not so much worried about how others perceive my writings as I am concerned for myself: this is a sign I am unwell. 

These past few weeks -- but in retrospect maybe the entire summer -- I have had like 2018-era brain fog. Incessant stress and anxiety (prompted by my anxiety disorder) brought on my perpetual brain fog back in 2018. The way I solved it back then was with physician-prescribed buspirone. I started with 7.5 mg twice a day, and shortly thereafter moved up to 10 mg twice a day. I have been on 10 mg twice a day since mid-2019. Perhaps it is time to ask my doctor for the next highest dose, which I think is 12.5 mg twice per day. 

It is ridiculous how one's confidence can be shattered -- insecurities abound -- from one particularly demeaning or toxic experience in bed.

It understandably effs one up to have a long-term friend and love interest laugh at you, tell you essentially that you are bad, and then lose all interest in you from one bedroom experience. Because of that, these last few days it has been difficult to reinforce my confidence. I've been sitting here, kind of depressed and insecure, wondering if my past partners didn't enjoy it either. Maybe it will help to list out counter-examples (in general details - no need to blind my readers) 

- ex-gfs, especially the most recent one, loved it

- someone in college told me it was me and maybe one other guy in her past who could make her feel that good; I know she wasn't just saying that.

- I remember another person in college who very frequently enjoyed when I helped her out like that

- current fwb says she enjoys it

- I'm sure there are more; just experiences that imo seemed to reinforce that I'm at least capable in that department. 

And I'm just thinking, too. I've had some go down on me, and it was alright, or sometimes, even not very good. But that never shattered my interest in someone I cared about or liked. You just tell the person what you like and carry on (or even, stop for the time being, carry on later). K obviously didn't care for me like that, hence the belittling laughter and desire to never do anything again. The interest must not have been there to begin with.

This frankly awful experience isn't a reflection on me, my worth, or even my overall skill/attractiveness.

Logically, that makes sense, and I am a logical person. Despite that, though, I am having considerable trouble convincing myself of that logic deep down. 

Career / School Related. 

My law school semester ended. I gave a final presentation (which was pretty solid). I finished up my last two externship tasks. I crammed for an exam (ironically, it is the only time I procrastinated readings then crammed: the class is called Professional Responsibility. Go figure, lol). Anyway, I did end up learning the material and I think I did well on the exam (we are graded against our peers). I would not be surprised if I earned an A (~top quarter of class).

I was elated to be done with the summer law school work. The work this summer really started to weigh on me. 

Relationship-Related.

Incorporating my last thread starting at this post. So, things turned sour with K. She disrespected me and made me feel awful. I stood up for myself, which is good. Still, this was a let-down and admittedly, when an attractive person laughs at you and tells you you are bad in bed during the act, any ordinary person would have their confidence shaken. I will admit I've been trying to work through ruminations, like what if previous partners were just pretending? It did not seem that they were. But, perhaps this is natural given what K said and how she said it. Oof. 

At least, I know she is not the right partner (come on, who treats others like that?) and I am no longer interested. I am free to find the right person now. I hope I do not end up in a situation (all dates included) like that ever again. Maybe there is a better way of telling what someone will be like before I pursue them. Or, maybe there is no clear way to tell: one simply has to roll with the punches. 

Misc. 

I wanted to share something for which I am grateful.

Content warning: suicide.

Last night, an old friend/acquaintance sent me a snapchat photo of himself having fun with some guy friends at a bar. In college, I stopped his suicide attempt. Someone said so-and-so was not doing well, so I went to his dorm to check on him. He was drunk and distraught. At one point, me trying to talk him down, he moved at himself with a knife. I had to physically restrain him. Here I was, at 18 or 19, restraining an amateur boxer who had a knife for around 15 minutes. Then, his roommates returned, found us, and they were able to help. They called the police (I had no free hand), and the police took him to the hospital. 

Judging by the after-midnight photo of him - huge smile - enjoying himself with guy friends at what looked like a bar, he is doing alright. He would not have had that night had I not intervened correctly. This is something weird to write about, even now. But, it helps me remember I put some good into the world. It reminds me that I am capable of generating even more good for others; this reminder is especially nice when I am feeling somewhat worthless or drained. In a bit of poetry, my friend sent the photo to me just as I was feeling that way: I had just posted about K and last night. I am not suicidal. But maybe he saved me in a way with that picture, even though he does not know it. 

I hope my old friend/acquaintance is doing well in earnest and that he continues to smile that big smile of his.

I went to a friend's wedding reception (which had been delayed because of COVID-19) today. It was fun. There, I was really fun / conversational / funny. 

However, among my friends, I was also the only person who was without a date. 

My FWB person (who is in an open relationship) was there. This time, in retrospect seeing her with my friend hit a little different. Not like...overwhelming jealousy or anything. But yes, a bit of "I wish that were me." We are in a weird spot. 

We I had a talk after about the bizarre situation I described above. I think the sex is hot / fun but I do not want the drama. Also, I need to tread carefully: I may be catching feelings (could also be ego/pride). We said we were good to continue, but it felt a little empty. I am thinking space might be good. 

Man, I wish I had someone (compatible, of course).

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The day also flew past me. I am trying to catch up, but I am immensely tired.

These next few days will be difficult because of law school-related tasks. 

Well, so I have taken a few Ls lately. I have not had a great couple of days. Here is why. 

Procrastination. 

My university-required, unpaid internship is ending. That is good news. However, because of procrastinating, I have / had a few legal research tasks due. Well, I learned a lot about federal copyright law in a short time. Lol. I have one task to go, and I will get it done this weekend.

But, I lost sleep. I'm running on three or four hours of uninterrupted sleep here.

I am not a teenager anymore: not getting my beauty sleep really hurts, man. I'll manage.  

The Fruit Fly Menace IV. 

[I wanted to write "A New Hope" here to follow the Star Wars naming scheme; but if there is a new hope, then it is for Team Fruit Fly, and not for Team PDN5].

I did find an area I had overlooked in my cleaning. There is a mini fridge that I have not used for some time, probably at least a year, maybe two. It is unplugged and is a bit on the larger side so it works as a neat little corner shelf in my apartment. When I had unplugged it some time ago, I made sure all the moisture had dried. Well despite that there was mold growth in there; and I found one of the headquarters of the the fruit flies. Crazy - I would never have thought the empty minifridge used as a corner shelf / decoration would have exacerbated the fruit fly problem. And, it would seem to be sealed enough to keep them out. But I guess not. Of course, I cleaned that mess right away. That reduced their numbers around the kitchen area. However, they are still there. And, they are still in my bedroom attracted to God-knows-what. 

"A" from management called back and said that multiple tenants are experiencing a fruit fly problem. She herself is dealing with the fruit flies too, despite her also being clean. However, she said that the exterminator that the management company uses does not treat fruit fly infestations. So, she apologized and said if I learned of any way that rids of them for good, to share it with management so they could advise other residents. That sucks.  

I do not blame A but management should find a new exterminator. 

There are ways to deduct apartment repairs from rent, such rights are prescribed by state law. And, since we just signed another year-long lease, they are stuck with me - they cannot just elect not to renew now at the first sign of trouble. Maybe I will hire my own exterminator: Orkin, perhaps, and then deduct rent from that by putting it in escrow, as the law dictates.

Maybe I am just being too "legal" again and should find another way. I am very frustrated. Tired too. Tired because of sleep and tired of dealing with something that makes it so I cannot fully relax in my own home. 

FWB - major yikes.

So, one of the most bizarre things happened to me yesterday. I am friends with someone with whom I have been in a FWB arrangement over the past few months, after my last relationship ended. Since the last time I wrote about my friend, she has made earnest effort to appeal to my sexual interests. I appreciate that. In fact, I have been having a lot of fun. 

This friend (22F) is in an open relationship with someone else. Her partner is actually also my friend. It is kind of peculiar, I know. But, I know for certain that everyone is cool with it, and so am I, so.

Yesterday, I went over her house (she lives with parents) to have a "work and study" day. She studied for her school, and I did my unpaid externship work. We indeed worked for like 7 hours in her spacious basement. In the last ten or so minutes, we started being flirty and it led to a makeout session. She was on top of me but everyone had their clothes on. Well her dad sneakily comes downstairs (no door noise, no steps, nothing) and sees us. Okay, a bit awkward, right? Naturally. Well, he comes over and says he needs to talk to us, what were we doing, what the heck. Okay, not good. Well, we say oh, sorry, we were making out. Though her parents do not like the guy she is in a relationship with (that guy is an awesome person; but anyway), they know (but disapprove of) that she is in a relationship. They did not know she was in an open relationship. So, he thinks she is cheating. She starts to skirt around the issue, but I was like, wait... come on, hold on, tell them the parameters of your relationship: this was not cheating or betrayal. So, she does tell him. Obviously, her parents knowing about an open relationship (which apparently they did not know about) is better for both of us than them thinking she's cheating with me. I can understand being like "hey, guys, what is going on, you are in a relationship..."

But any "inquiry" should have stopped there. Instead, the dad calls the mom downstairs and they launch into this bizarre inquisition of their daughter's sex life. Telling her to explain our involvement, testing her honesty, asking what is up with her and the guy she is with, what is wrong with her, they know she is having sex, etc. She actively lied about her involvement with me and other people, etc., pretty much everything she was saying was not true. That put me in a tough spot, because I do not lie. But, I was not about to get my friend in more "trouble" (she is a grown woman so this whole thing, again - so unexpected). When they motioned to me to see if I would lie too (they were that confident that she was lying), I just said that I do not comment on my private relationships with women, but I know that our actions were ethical.

They then did this weird religious (different religion / upbringing) oath thing in front of me. So, they do this whole promise / tell the truth thing. My friend dug deeper into the lies during this oath.

Anyway, just my writing this out feels bizarre. I was still and quiet because at first the dad said he wanted to talk to us. Then, the parents were sat between the door and me (this was almost certainly not intentional - but it did scare me a bit).  So, I felt an imposition to stay for this hour-long inquisition into my friend's sex life and then when they left I said goodbye, thanks for having me, sorry, and pretty quickly saw myself out. If I had to do it again -- well I would probably want to leave earlier but I do not know what I would do. That was so unlike anything that has ever happened to me. 

Anyway, that was wrong of them. I again, understand the "whoa, wait are you not in a relationship, daughter." I understand the confusion about open relationships. But they are wrong because they ended up being so weirdly interested in controlling their daughter's sex life. They snooped her stuff (that came out in the conversation); they snuck down to catch us; they embarrassed her by doing that to her in front of me. On the other hand, this whole situation would not have happened if they knew her relationship was open and she did not actively lie throughout it all to cover it up.

And, she is still my friend. I am not sure about the status of the FWB interaction after that. But I am worried if she lies through her teeth like that (which put me in an awkward place - and at times her willingness to obfuscate made me look bad): what else is she going to lie about. Of course, I am not in that family (thank every possible god) and I do not know what it is like. I will try not to be too judgmental, but, yikes.  

Now, I am on the family's persona non grata list for sure. I do not have committed expectations for this friend. However, we mesh and I'm sure a future was possible. Now, that possibility would be almost impossibly difficult. And well I do not usually sleep with people if I do not have some baseline attraction/remote possibility with them. I cannot say "oh, I am hurt" by all that. But, it does leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

I do NOT want to experience something like that ever again. That felt like a mixture of criminal court and high school parental inquisition. I am 26 for Pete's sake. All this over two twenty-somethings making out a little. Yikes, oof, and ope.

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I think I'm going to hang out with friends and have some wine today, lol. Maybe cry out of pure cringe and confusion. TBD, lol.  

Anxiety / Brain Fog

The Fruit Fly Menace III: Revenge of the PDN5

I called the landlord this afternoon and asked to speak to A, as she has taken care of me since the start of my tenancy. I explained the following, near verbatim except said more casually:

• Hi , A, I am dealing with a problem in my apartment and I think I need management’s help.
• I am a well-behaved tenant. I am clean and organized: I am very "type A," as you know, and keep the apartment in tip-top shape –- as the lease requires. I clean pretty regularly. 
• Not too long ago fruit flies entered my apartment through no fault of my own. I have taken reasonable steps to deal with the nuisance (traps, deep clean of apartment) but they persist.
• I fear they may be coming in through a hole in the apartment or via an adjoining tenant (as our ventilation is stacked in the bathroom -- maybe they could be entering this way). 
• Are there ways that management can help me resolve this issue without charging me $500? I did not consent to the fruit flies entering my apartment and I do not think they entered by my fault.

She said she understood that it was not my fault. She is a tenant here too and had fruit flies one year - and it was not her fault either. She said that fruit flies are tricky. But, if I heard her correctly, she said that management would not charge me. (If I misheard, oh well, not like I can stop it anyway at this point). 

So much for my anxious "legal rights and duties"-centric brain. Lol.

A will call the exterminator that the management company uses and see what options are available, then she will call me back.

Exercise.

I was right about needing a "destination." Something about having a gym to go to which is two miles away has increased my motivation. Since I had been sporadically working out over the past few months, my initial few workouts  did not put me out of commission for a few days this time (that usually happens when I go back to the gym for the first time in a while: I typically default to my intense cross country / track-and-field workouts. Then, I overexert myself the first week. I am glad that did not happen this time). 

I have gone to the gym in the evenings consistently since 7/25. I have done cardio for an average of 1.5 miles per visit. I did chest/triceps, back/biceps, abs, and shoulders/some triceps over the last few days. I feel so sore, but it is satisfying. 

I can feel some of my analytical brain coming back. The clearer I feel, the more I seem to respond in "active" voice (subject-verb-object) and succinct sentences. And, my posts become more outlined and organized.  

Awesome! Dancing is so fun. If I come across any videos I will have to share. I do very much enjoy that couple I linked who dances bachata sensual.

I have picked up bachata, salsa, merengue, and parts of cumbia from social dancing over the last few years - unfortunately in my ballroom club we rarely focused on these dances, since they were not tested in competitions. I really would like to learn more moves / techniques in those types of dances: they are the dances most commonly played at Latin social dancing clubs.

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I live in a temperate climate. It is summer here now; they seem to be at their worst in the summer months. 

I think I have had enough of these fruit flies. I am doing legal work for my university's legal office. My supervising attorney there (without giving me actual legal advice) recommended I just call the landlord. She said I would be surprised at how reasonable landlords can be when they are dealing with nice and reasonable tenants. I would like to think that that is me. 

Either way, if they charge me $500, I think I am willing to live with that - it hurts since I am living off of money I have saved up over the last few years, but it does not break the bank. I cannot live like this anymore - and I feel like I have taken all reasonable steps on my own to deal with the pests.

I think my strategy is that I will not give too many details. I will mention that I am clean and organized and keep the apartment in tip-top shape. I will mention that not too long ago (this stretches the truth but I cannot say I have been dealing with them for months based on my lease) fruit flies entered my apartment through no fault of my own. I have taken reasonable steps to deal with the nuisance (traps, deep clean of apartment) but they persist. I fear they may be coming in through a defect in the apartment or via an adjoining tenant (as our ventilation is stacked in the bathroom - they could enter this way). I plan to do this over the phone with my favorite management person, A (she looks out for me), and take note of the important details of the conversation. 

On 7/26/2021 at 11:31 AM, maritalbliss86 said:

That is so hard to figure out with K... women are confusing sometimes.  But overall, it sounds good.

I do think the best thing you can do is try to not care so much.  Sounds like you're already doing that.

I understand though that dates like that can mess with your head.  

Yeah. 😕 The moment that sticks out most in my mind is this one: 

Quote

 We gave a few-seconds-long hug, but after that few seconds she seemed to move away (as a person would if someone were going in for a kiss and the person did not want it - I was not going in for a kiss though)

Maybe she was worried about me going in for a kiss (like I said, I was not going to do that - but maybe I was too affectionate). Either way, I think that is most revealing of her interest level in me. 

She may just be trying to "get back out there" after her relationship had ended. I am a fun guy to go dancing with, and we were able to be flirty. My overall feeling is that she does have interest in me (making a future a possibility) but the interest level is not high enough at this time.

On 7/25/2021 at 8:39 AM, LaHermes said:

For you PDN.  Love to dance bachata.

 

Oh my goodness! Their footwork is awesome. Someday, I will be this good. I might steal a move or two from this couple.  

I did not know you danced! Bachata is so fun. 

On 7/25/2021 at 8:58 AM, LaHermes said:

The fruit fly menace.  Fruit flies can appear in the cleanest environments, often drawn by a bowl of ripe fruit on a table, for example. Mind you, I haven't seen those in years.  

Thank you. Yes, they must be clinging to the tiniest crumb or food source. I cannot for the life of me figure out (1) how they are getting in, or (2) on what they are sustaining themselves. 

I do not have fruit in my apartment at the moment - but I have read that in a pinch they will find any organic food source, even mold/mildew. So, I have tried to deep clean the apartment. I have seen a reduction in fruit fly activity, but they are far from gone. They are centered around three places in my apartment.

1. the kitchen (possible attractions are the drain, coffeemaker, and miscellaneous crumbs) 
2. the bathroom (possible attractions are mold/mildew), and
3. my bedroom (possible attractions include a sporadic crumb or two - this one is most baffling).

For (1), I have repeatedly cleaned (bleach, baking soda and vinegar, and boiling water treatments) and blocked entry to the drain/garbage disposal, cleaned the counters, sink, coffeemaker, toaster, etc. and set out five traps. For (2), I have at least twice deep cleaned the entire bathroom with bleach and warm water treatments. I eradicated hidden mold in my shower, toiled, and even some light pink mold on the ceiling I had not seen before. I have one trap in the bathroom. For (3), I have vacuumed everywhere, including under the bed and behind a bookshelf, kept food items out of the bedroom trash can, thrown out an old tempurpedic mattress pad. I have three traps in my bedroom. This one, as I said, still baffles me. 

OP, thanks for your reply. 

I understand you think it is unlikely that you will get back together. That is probably true, practically speaking. However, that has little bearing on your path forward. If you want to reconcile under certain conditions, I think it would be counterintuitive to keep that to yourself. 

Apologize for the wounded outburst if you haven't already. Accept her apology for blocking you on social media (that she apologized and unblocked you makes me think she is struggling too). Mention that you need space (i.e., no contact) from her to heal and work on yourself, but that you are open to talking about getting back together if she ever wants to talk about that. Then, I recommend going into no contact mode, unfollowing her on social media, changing her name in your phone to "Patience, EitherDare0," and continuing to move on. 

Doing this, you put everyone on the same page with regard to your intentions. You leave the ball in the ex's court - there is no "what if I did more." You also get the benefit of out of sight, out of mind, which helps healing. And using this strategy, you know you tried your best. 

I struggled moving on from an ex, call her E, for years. She slept with a friend and close associate of mine shortly after we broke up, and that felt like a betrayal at the time. We might have gotten back together, if it weren't for all the complicated emotions surrounding that situation. After the years passed by, I was still grieving. My pride/anger prevented me from seeing that I still wanted her and that relationship. I sent a letter in 2019 that did not blame and did not pout, but openly stated my feelings for her and desire to reconcile. I am proud of that letter: I think it was dignified and respectable.

She never responded. As time went on, I realized silence was my answer. But hey, after sending the letter, I knew I tried my best and made my intentions known. She did not want to reconcile (when I sent the letter, I thought she was still with a boyfriend - turns out later I found out they had broken up and she was single at the time - still no response). There were no more what ifs. Understanding that I did all I could do, the dreams decreased in number and potency. 

The thought of that relationship sometimes stings. But only just stings, nothing more. I think finally giving my best showing (then staying NC, of course) gave me the closure I needed / never received in any other way. 

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Other last-minute notes:

Yeah, dreams are rough. The most painful dreams I had of E were either deeply symbolic (e.g., being together in a burning house), or sometimes us just talking and laughing. I think the latter type hurt worse. 

People need to think before making major decisions, such as whether to break up with a partner. I would not call a failure to disclose / act out all relationship doubts a lie.

I agree: it does seem like the distance played a pivotal role in her decision to end the relationship.

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Hope this helps. 

The dreams are really rough, OP. They can mess with you for whole days at a time... I'm sorry you are going through that. This relationship clearly left an impression on you. Now, it is over and you are dealing with immense loss. The dreams are one way that loss manifests. 

Of course, this hurts because someone you love has been lost: she has chosen to leave you. This feeling of loss is unavoidable, and it is the type of loss that heals "in time." When people die, their loved ones grieve. Break-up loss is similar. Either way, it takes some time but healing from this type of loss will happen.

There are reasons that people hold onto lost relationships in ways that significantly delay the healing. A few I can think of off of the top of my head are that (1) you still see a possible future with them, i.e., this does not seem like the end of your "story" (most times the break-up is the end of the story), (2) you feel like they were your "best" and it is difficult to see finding a good relationship again (this is usually false), (3) you do not understand the reasons why the relationship ended, or (4) you feel guilty for having made a mistake or misstep in the relationship, which contributed to its end.

In my experience, some of the reasons above relate to knowing the reasons she chose to leave you. Were you being a jerk? Were you clingy? Did she have needs you were not meeting? Is there something in the relationship you were not doing that she wants in a partner? Is she freaked out by close, loving relationships for some reason? Was she thinking your relationship was doomed because you were soon to be long-distance?

What do you think, OP? Did she tell you the reasons? Or, can you infer reasons (ones that are better than that she has some sort of pathology)? If the reasons happen to be those within your control, then perhaps you can fix them (if that is something you want to do). That helps to find closure - and, if you want reconciliation, this would be a crucial step.  

Moving forward, are you open to reconciliation? Is that what you want? Or, are you totally against the idea?

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 I suffer mostly in silence.

Do not do this. Talk to your friends and family. Thinking "I do not want to burden them" is a mental fiction. Most people understand that others go through hard times. And people like being there for their friends and family, generally speaking.

If there are no friends in whom you feel comfortable confiding, then see a therapist. Several universities in the U.S. have free counseling, even for members of the general public. If therapy otherwise would be too expensive, then you can check out one of those programs. 

Of course, if all else fails, you are welcome to post/vent here. 

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Had a few ladies want to meet up, but I am showing zero follow through.

Hey, silver lining is you are getting matches on dating apps! I am not bad-looking by any means (I have no issue with women in person), but I almost never get a match/response on those apps/sites. So, you are doing something right. 

That said, slow down. You are not ready to date yet, as you are not over your ex. There is no rush: there will still be compatible matches for you when you have healed and moved on. 

So, I mostly had fun over the last couple of days. 

Anxiety and Brain Fog

Exercise. Just my luck, I signed up for a gym membership intending to go to there immediately and the place was temporarily closed for a few days. However, I ran two miles and danced for hours on 7/24. Today, 7/25, the gym reopened. In the evening, when I was done with events for the day, I went to the Planet Fitness for the first time. For the price I am paying, it really is a bargain. There are plenty of amenities: lots of equipment, cleaning stations, and actually very few people. I ran two miles on the treadmill: ~14:30 total time, then did a chest and triceps workout. It was great to get back into an actual gym!

Anecdote/good memory: as I finished my run, my area was hit with a severe weather / possible tornado alert. The rain was coming down at a sharp diagonal and in droves. A few of us in the gym gathered around to watch for a minute. After a brief silence in the conversation, I asked, "so, anyone want to go for a run...?" The others laughed. That was a nice moment. The awful weather subsided just as my workout was finishing.  

The Fruit Fly Menace II. My new traps have caught dozens of the little buggers. And, as mentioned in a previous entry, the apartment has been thoroughly cleaned. I am being careful not to allow for any new potential breeding grounds (i.e., not throwing food in the trash, running the garbage disposal regularly, that sort of thing). That said, though they are reduced in number, they are still here. I am wondering if there is some important area I am missing or have overlooked.

Relationship-Related

K and Friday Night. Previously, after my last thread regarding K, I resolved to give a little time and not put so much emphasis on any "moment." I was (and am) not sure about her level of interest in me. I recollected that I find that a potential romantic partner's lack of interest in me is a major turnoff. It might sound obvious, but to many who end up "friendzoned," it is not obvious. I do not often find myself in the "friendzone," because I typically have no desire to be with someone who is not interested in me. "The one" will see me as a potential romantic partner; and those who do not are not "the one." 

I think myself more adept at determining interest when in person (rather than at a distance), so I resolved to go with the flow. I knew I would see K at an upcoming social dancing event (August 6), and I planned to see if the chemistry was still there and if she was showing interest. If it felt right I would ask her for drinks, dancing, or some other date. If she did not show interest, I would not. Well, on Thursday, she (pleasantly 🙂) interrupted my go with the flow plan: she invited me to go with her for a meal and social dancing on Friday evening/night. I said yes. We determined where we would be going for food, and then Friday came and we went. I paid for the meal; it was around $30. We had solid conversation this time around. Then, we went dancing: we danced with each other a lot but others too (this is normal for a social dance event).   

 Overall, I would call the night a success: I had fun, and, any way you cut it, I have better information now.

Factors possibly indicating interest:

• She asked only me out for the meal. 
• We were amply flirty with one another. (Lots of innuendos, teasing - once she kissed my hand because I had cut / bandaged it; that sort of thing).
• We complimented one other's looks on occasion. 
• We seemed to gravitate toward one another throughout the night. 
• When the dances had ended, she waited for me to walk out. She said she would stay with me because I was a little tipsy from the wine I had brought. [Unfortunately - I like the guy - but another guy from the club stayed and spoke with us]. I could be wrong but it felt like more than politeness, but rather a desire to stay and chat for a bit.

Factors possibly indicating lack of interest:

• Though she invited only me for the meal, she did invite another few (guy) members of the club to the social dancing. She could just have wanted a "group." It is fun to dance with a variety of people.
• During a fairly "sensual" type of dance called bachata, she moved closer, embracing me in sort of an arms-over-the-shoulder hug type of way. I moved closer, moving my arms to a sort of more sensual embrace as well. But, then she moved away and joked about it, like "this is too much haha" or something like that; she did the same with a particular swaying/"grindy" move which looks kind of like this. So, that was fine, we just danced the bachata in other ways lol. [That said, toward the end of the night, she said she was okay with the move; she even flirted to see if I could "keep my composure" lol]. 
• After the aforementioned end-of-the-night conversation between K, a guy from the club, and me, I said I had to get home. The guy left, and K and I got into our cars, which were right next to one another. She looked at me for a moment, and then I motioned for us to go back out. We gave a few-seconds-long hug, but after that few seconds she seemed to move away (as a person would if someone were going in for a kiss and the person did not want it - I was not going in for a kiss though).
• When I texted her the next day that "Hey, thanks for inviting me out yesterday. I had fun. 🙂" she just replied "Thank you for coming out."

Other notable information: 

• She did explicitly mention she was still grieving while we were at dinner. She and her ex-boyfriend broke up a matter of weeks ago, so this makes sense.

My overall take:

• There is still at least some level of interest between her and me. She thinks I am fun, and she flirted with me a lot. That said, she is grieving her most recent relationship. Additionally, some of the things I mentioned above (and just my gut feeling) say the interest level is not at its peak / exceptionally high. 

Moving forward:

• I think it is best not to be overenthusiastic. I paid for dinner and brought wine for the both of us (for the dance event - not the meal. I did not present the as a romantic gesture but more of a BYOB let's have fun dancing, you're free!! gesture. I regularly bring cabernet for the ballroom group but this time I brought cabernet and an inexpensive pink moscato). I was flirty, and for what it is worth I showed interest in her. She may need time to heal, clear her head, and determine what she wants. There is a possible future, but I am not going to rush it / be overenthusiastic about it. Back to going with the flow, I think. 🙂 

FWB. My friend was receptive when I spoke with her about feeling like just a booty call. She wanted to make efforts so that I do not feel that way - we discussed plainly what would help. One of those items was that we would do one of the things I like sexually soon. Tonight, I tried to start a fun conversation, and she played along for like fifteen minutes, but around 9:45 p.m. she mentioned she was tired so she was going to go to sleep in in ten minutes or so. She apologized (and eventually with several messages) and then she herself pointed out that this probably did not help considering our last conversation. [I think she is right]. I told her that yes, it was a let-down; but, in fairness, I had not asked what she had going on that night. This is more of a "venting" paragraph -- it can sting when a conversation like that stops abruptly. I think I behaved appropriately; but, yes, this was frustrating. 

10 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I'm so happy you're starting a journal!  I love reading your outlined posts LOL, and I've found it nice to have your own little place to ponder things, with or without interruption of others' thoughts 🙂 .

But for the above quote... that is actually a common thing with college groups unfortunately, I'm surprised you haven't encountered it before (consider yourself lucky!).  It's normal for things to escalate quickly and then become toxic in my opinion because 1) some personalities more prone to high-emotion/low-reasoning ability are more drawn to that kind of environment, 2) people at this age don't usually have the scope of lived experience, and are sometimes less likely to want to see the other side's point of view.

You don't have to take my advice, but after seeing many people go through something similar to what you've described, I think those student groups can cause more trouble than they should for the students so mentally caught up in them.  If anything, you may just want to step back a little if you ever can (now that you're in another office, possibly not implementable right now).

But of course things like that would cause high anxiety... and more importantly, it's purely a distraction to the goals of your life.  I know it may look like it can help, but I've seen it harm more than help in many cases with friends and family who all had at least one very bad experience in this way.

(...)

If you can find a way to mentally be so relaxed and also busy with important, good tasks, you'll find yourself not caring as much - if you do decide to stay.  Their petty nonsense will register in your brain for what it is - pointless and non-deserving of your attention.

Get out in nature as much as you can.  Take a lot of mental breaks if possible.  Make sure you're fit and healthy and eating good foods... you probably already are since you sound like you take life very seriously, but I'm just pointing out different things that affect anxiety in general.

A lot of it just comes down to being so at peace and also occupied that you just don't care what they're saying/doing/etc. and you press on with what you have to get done.

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I like that you share my affinity for organized posts!!

I agree: though I will put in effort to improve the organization and the university where I can (see my "no" vote on a Board-level tuition recommendation), doing things like debating about whether Israel should exist is not productive - and their one-hour questioning of a way to facilitate electronic public comment was a little much. 

I have been in student government associations before (my undergraduate and graduate study). Though there was sometimes a clash of personalities, interpersonal conflict, and inexperience, overall there was usually a way forward: there were structures in place for people to make a meaningful difference. I have been elected to the new group and there are no such structures; unfortunately, this group is not receptive, generally, to fixes of this nature. 

10 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

On your FWB situation, yikes!  Reminds me of why I was so happy to find someone compatible and marry ASAP and settle into a wonderful, calm yet insanely passionate love life with my husband so young!  I hated dating and all the games people play... and I would never have been good at just FWB probably.  

I hope you find the relationship you desire.  What happened with that girl you were interested in?

I am glad you found your person. 🙂 That is what I want too. I want someone compatible whom, eventually, I can marry. A passionate love life with a spouse sounds amazing, lol.

The FWB is something fun in the meantime while I keep my eyes open for a significant other. I have had FWBs in the past that blurred the line between FWB and a relationship, but this one is clearly in the "FWB" category, which is good. And, it does not take up a solid portion of time (that I could be using to go on dates, for instance), because we do not see each other all too often. I would say this interaction is in the category of fun for now. 

In regard to your last question, "K" and I recently went out for a meal and social dancing (she invited me out)! I have mixed feelings about how it went, but I had a lot of fun. Your post on my last thread about this topic was very helpful: I have followed a substantial portion of that advice. 🙂  

I will likely discuss the night out with K in my next entry.

On 7/23/2021 at 7:45 AM, LaHermes said:

I love that song PDN. It does sort of get into your head. Look up his version of The Girl with Faraway Eyes". You'll like it.

News for you. Those fruit flies apparently have same DNA as humans (I am simplifying here). Was half listening to radio documentary as I worked last night about scientific research into these creatures.  

"Fruit fly: 60 percent identical

These tiny winged creatures share common genes for many biological processes involved with growth and development. In fact, nearly 75 percent of genes that cause disease in humans are also found in fruit flies, making them good models for the study of human disease." (NASA)

They're about to become genetic models for astronauts."

Haha, yes. Fruit flies are very helpful for scientific research. Unfortunately, they make terrible cotenants. None of them pay rent and they keep trying to room with me! I'll have them evicted yet!

On 7/23/2021 at 10:25 AM, boltnrun said:

Wow, I love all the cleaning!

I too am a "clean freak" and take a lot of satisfaction from a clean home. I live alone partly because I haven't met anyone who values a clean home as much as I do.

Glad to see you had a good day!

Thank you! Yes, I am that way too. My future spouse will benefit: I will happily be the one to clean up after dinner, etc. It is a nice way to contribute - but also, if I clean it, I know it will be clean. So, it works!

Quote

You have motivated me to look for a new toaster!  Mine is old and the crumb catcher doesn't seem to want to get clean either, like your old one.

Awesome!

boltnrun and PDN5, keeping toaster manufacturers in business since 2021.  

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

That clause pertains to pets.  The fruit flies are not pets. Therefore, they are required to mitigate them as they are an infestation.

Thanks. I think that is a reasonable reading. If I can rid of them myself, like you did with the bed bugs, then I will not even bring it up to the landlord. Don't want to give them even the chance to ask for my money!

8 hours ago, LaHermes said:

I'll be reading you PDN.  You always make valuable and insightful contributions on the forums. 

Thanks, LaHermes. That was nice of you. I very much enjoy your contributions (and song suggestions) as well. 

I'm not waitin' onnnn a laadyyy. I'm just waiting onnn a friend!

I blame credit you for that song being in my head!  

Well, I turned what started out as an awful day into a fairly productive one. 

The fruit fly menace. I went shopping to arm myself with cleaning supplies. Since I recently learned that fruit flies will feed on mold in a pinch, I resolved to deep clean my bathroom, where I observed light mold. 

I mixed some warm water and bleach into a spray bottle. The work in the bathroom took a while - there was more mold/mildew in hidden spots than I had originally observed, but it was so satisfying to eradicate it. In addition to spraying, I washed my shower curtain and liner. My bathroom now looks bright and clean. 

I bought a cheap, fruity wine from the store. I substituted traps with fruity wine and dish soap for my apple cider vinegar traps. Hopefully, they'll be just as effective - but in any case they'll be without the pungent odor of the apple cider vinegar permeating my apartment.

My previous toaster was cheap and there was no feasible way to get the burnt-stuck crumbs out of the bottom. I figure the pests might be attracted to the crumbs. So, I bought a new toaster for around $20 and threw the old one out. The new toaster was a low price and still looks more modern than my old one - with a more intuitive design/tray removal.

I took out the trash, cans, and other recyclables. Though I had been washing out the cans, I figure better safe than sorry. 

I thoroughly cleaned my sink and coffee maker. 

As of this post, there appears to be a reduction in evil fruit fly activity. 

This was a satisfying cleaning day for the type-A, organized PDN5. 

I am going to give myself props for this one. I really worked hard on this today. 

+1 move to fix anxiety/brain fog.

More importantly, 5,000 point-deduction to team assh- I mean team fruit fly.

FWB. I communicated my concern to my friend in a respectful and respectable way. She was more receptive and reassuring than I thought she would be. She asked what she could change so that I would not feel like just a booty call or "side-piece," as she put it. I offered a few suggestions and we talked about them. 

I am glad I communicated my concern. It is better to communicate with dignity than to be resentful in silence. I count this as another success that turned today around.

Gym membership. I purchased a gym membership at Planet Fitness, for a solid price. I have been meaning to get back to a gym for a while - though I have a few dumbbells, resistance bands, a jump rope, and of course, my running shoes here, I think it has been difficult for me to see this apartment as a place for exercise. I feel hopeful that having a destination where I can exercise be better for my health, including my recent anxiety/brain fog. And, if I stick with it, being in shape will definitely not hurt my chances of catching the eye of Ms. Right, lol. 

--

Bonus points: K (from my last thread) messaged me and asked me to go for a meal and social dancing with her tomorrow. I accepted but she did not have a restaurant in mind. So, I'll / we'll come up with one tomorrow lol. Good news - that was a nice mood boost.

Thanks, Bolt. 🙂 I will give effort to keep this going. I find it helpful to put my thoughts out there instead of keeping them buzzing around my head. 

In regard to the lease, well, let me know what you think. The pertinent provision seems clearly adverse to my current situation:

Contract Stuff:

"49. ANIMALS. No animals (including mammals, reptiles, rodents and insect(s)) are allowed, even temporarily, anywhere in the Apartment or Apartment Community unless the owner has authorized [sic] in writing. If an animal has been in the Apartment at any time during your term of occupancy without consent, we will charge you a $500.00 fee for deodorizing, shampooing and flea treatment, in addition to all of the following..." (Emphasis added).

[it goes into terms clearly related to pets, which would not apply].

There is no other provision plausibly related to pests explicitly mentioned in our current lease agreement - including exhibits, addenda, etc.

In contract law, most courts are persuaded by the "ordinary and plain meaning" of words/phrases. It seems ordinary and plain from the above that insects are not allowed in the apartment and that I will be responsible for treatment if there are insects in the apartment. In my state, which is looser in the way that courts interpret contracts, I may be able to argue the provision is ambiguous since it seems to imply that it is only about pets or animals brought voluntarily into the apartment. However, if my landlord could not be persuaded, they would charge me and then I would have to either (1) refuse to pay and go to court. Practically speaking, my lease is due for renewal soon and they would likely not allow me to remain if I did press the issue. Either that or (2) pay the fee. 

As fun as it would be for a law fanatic like me, I have no desire to go to court over this: it would be more expensive than just $500. Plus, other than the present issue, it is pleasant to live here and I do not want to move.

I might be able to get this fixed on the landlord's dime, if it can be shown that other tenants in my building - or a defect caused by landlord's negligence - are the cause of the infestation. The adjoining units ARE connected via one of the ventilation units. In that case, then, the landlord would be violating an implied duty, habitability or quiet enjoyment: either is a material breach of the lease. Of course, again, it would not go to court, but they probably wouldn't push the $500 charge.

Misc. Fruit Fly-Related:

The pests are localized and in number enough that if a maintenance person entered the apartment, they probably would not notice. But spend enough time here and they are everywhere. My traps have killed hundreds of them but there are always more - and I have no idea where they are laying eggs. 

I do not have fruit in my apartment. I have coffee grounds, but I've sealed it up in Tupperware so there is no way for them to access it. My garbage can has a lid, but even if they were getting past it right now it is empty. There is some light mold/mildew in the bathroom, but it is light and I am finishing the cleaning of this today.

They are really bad today and I am already having an anxious day. I feel so bothered. 

Hey, ENA. 

I am going to be starting a journal. I am hoping to find a place to enter my thoughts. I have nearly always found that when I have an outlet onto which I can give my thoughts, I actively seem to organize the issues in my life. As a result, it helps me to do and feel better.

I will list out categorical areas in which I feel I am experiencing stress, worries, or anxieties. Then, my subsequent entries will try to solve them. However, I anticipate that several entries will involve impertinent venting. 

If you choose to reply, keep it constructive. Do not debate me here. 

PROBLEMS

Anxiety, Brain Fog

This summer, my anxiety has heightened. After a while, it has become difficult for me to even string together a set of coherent sentences without feeling like I am making a bunch of grammar mistakes. I would say that the anxiety heightened in May.

Schedule. In late May, my schedule changed from a fairly consistent, manageable schedule to one that was totally reversed. It went from starting in the mid- and late-mornings (around 10:00 a.m.) and ending late-afternoons (around 4:00 p.m.) to starting in the afternoons (around 1:00 p.m.) and ending late at night (around 9:00 p.m.). It changed because I started an unpaid (yikes) internship - the university requires the credits and proscribes payment for the work (double yikes). The university offered these summer classes solely at night. The good news is that this schedule will end in about a week. I will choose a better schedule for this upcoming Fall.

Student Advocacy Stresses. At a previous university, I was the leader of the student body and accomplished quite a lot. This time, I ran for a normal member position on the new university's body. I had ideas for what to fix. I have a bachelor and master degree in administration - and I knew this student government was lacking in several key areas. So, I developed a compelling platform, campaigned, won an election, and started on the body with around 20 other individuals. Unfortunately, not only was this body lacking but it became toxic and explosive almost immediately (something - honestly - I have never experienced in student government work). We opined on a controversial Israel-Palestine issue over three controversial meetings (a little out-of-scope: the statement that some wanted to put out on recent happenings in the Middle East contained some resources for students, good, but was also one-sided and unnecessarily vitriolic). This topic made me so anxious: doing the right thing would be a poor political move; doing the smart thing politically would be morally wrong in my opinion. So, I did the right thing and broke from the mold. That soured some relationships but earned me some "reasonableness" points from some students, university administrators, and etc. However, there is a newspaper article being written about the topic. Unfortunately, this pointless debate we had as a student government will likely end up being that one "breaking news" article that gets me criticized when I am running for an actual office in the future. 

There are some upsides. I am on a budgetary committee at the University Board level. I was able to vote "no" on a televised Board-level tuition increase recommendation, which felt valiant. I was wearing a power blue suit, and looked great. I asked a pointed, salient question about the university's reserves (I know best practices from my master's degree). It will probably score me a few points in the long-run - and this is the type of work/advocacy I enjoy. 

Afterward, I attempted to make a common sense and best practices fix. Throughout the pandemic, most organizations who allow for public comment (either discretionarily or because law requires them to do so) adopted procedures for electronically addressing the body. Ours did not. So, I proposed a procedure informed by state guidance and local government practice for allowing this public comment at electronic meetings. Based on initial pushback, I had to give what I would describe as a "department head-level presentation" for a relatively simple and common sense fix. [In context, I had to put more work into this than when I proposed a procedure change at my previous full-time job. That was a televised local government board meeting and my proposal passed 7-0 - no hassle]. My proposal at the student government ended up passing unanimously, but it took an hour-long presentation, PowerPoint, supporting packet, and discussion on "free speech" caselaw (my proposal was not about changing our free speech procedures - a few members wanted to screen and preempt speech they found distasteful - yikes) to get it passed. 

I am doing good, important work to simply allow the student government to function so that it can actually do work that matters effectively. But, all this B.S. stresses me out. I get that I am 26 and I am coming into this student government as guy with some experience among 19- and 20-year-olds who have not done this before. I try to leave my high confidence at the door - but this group is openly loud, hostile, and quite ignorant. It is difficult that I have to give a mile to get an inch in the right direction. [I have developed rapport with one of our deans, who sits as an advisor (and has been doing so for around 15 years). He said this group is the most toxic, without hesitation].

For these reasons, I have thought about quitting. I am planning on staying though because the student body elected me and I have a duty to them. Though it might be a hassle for me, the student body benefits most when I nudge the student government in the right direction. 

That said, the "student advocacy" point has increased my stress levels overall and may be contributing to the brain fog, so it deserved a major mention.

Sleep/Insomnia. I cannot sleep until like 3:00 a.m. or 4:00 a.m. I am most often a night owl, but that is getting ridiculous. The last time I had this sleep schedule, I was in my teens. It is probably not helping anything. I take benedryl some nights as a sleep aid, but lately it has lost its potency. I also have a calming tea - but that has not seemed to work lately. 

Freakin' Fruit Flies. I have a fruit fly infestation. I have cleaned every nook and cranny of my apartment - behind and under the fridge, underneath the stove, etc. I vacuumed my apartment, wiped everything down, took out the trash, set out new fruit fly traps, put vinegar and baking soda down all my drains; detached and looked into my garbage disposal/pipes (they were not there), wiped down any moldy areas in my bathroom, and more. Look, for a single 26-year-old guy living alone, I am very clean and organized. I do not understand why the fruit flies are here. If I tell my landlord, the provision in the lease that pertains to animals (including insects) would cause a $500 cleaning charge. I do not want to give the landlord $500, but I do not know what to do to keep these freakin' pests away.  It is so difficult to live in a place where I cannot rest easy/relax because a fruit fly will buzz around my ear, land in my food, or land in my hair. I cannot relax. That is probably contributing to my anxiety. 

Career

I know where I want to take my career, ultimately. I want to make a difference in a higher political level, either as a state legislator or a judge/justice. I joined law school for several reasons, but most notably because I believe that if I am going to change or rule on the law, I should learn it. Therefore, law school was and is a necessary condition for my ultimate career goal. 

The question is, how should I tailor my career in the intermediate term in a way that (1) serves my passions and interests, (2) is something at which I am skilled, and (3) builds a solid network and reputation for my ultimate career goal.

My education and previous part- and full-time work has been in the realm of public administration / local government. Therefore, a focus in municipal law makes sense: I would start in that area with more understanding than most, especially with regard to my state's most critical municipal statutes. However, while I would be thrilled to be the municipal guy, and guide a city, township, etc. toward best practices and away from liability, I am not interested in just finding excuses for poor business practices: I have seen this happen quite a few times. It is also difficult to be "passionate" about local government. I am definitely interested in the idea of a municipal practice - and I am interested in the substantive components of municipal law (e.g., public-sector accounting regulations, land use development, landmark public body legislation, etc.), but it does not stoke the flames of my deepest passions.

There is also criminal defense, in which I seem to have developed what I would describe as an "initial burning passion." I believe firmly - especially in our society at present day - that people deserve to have a competent defender to protect their liberties. Too often, our barbaric system of justice puts offenders behind bars for entire lifetimes - or puts innocent people who were in the wrong place at the wrong time behind bars. This deserves a countermanding force - and I would love to be that force. So, I am passionate about the idea. Also, I can foresee that this would serve me well in a future political run. However, in the U.S., criminal defense attorneys are often overworked, underpaid, and experience low job satisfaction. I would need experience in this field, perhaps doing clinical work, before I would be able to confidently alter my career trajectory to focus on this area. If it is not for me, I would want to know this now, before I put my municipal experience / path on pause. 

I have signed up for my university's voluntary pro bono program to help me obtain clinical experience in this area.

The tentative plan is to pursue experiences and classes in both areas.

Love, Relationships, & Sex

FWB. I am in a FWB with someone who is in an open relationship. However, this FWB just started medical school, so understandably, she is busy. We are friends first and we have been good friends for a while - however, though we share similar sexual interests, I do not think this FWB is serving me anymore. I am pretty open when it comes to sex - however, I think some level of emotional connection or rapport should be there (I am mature enough to handle it); if it is pointless sex, I do not really enjoy it. This person, U, has essentially relegated me to the person she calls sometimes and hits up for sexting (mainly for her benefit) late at night (I don't like feeling like JUST simply a sexting/quickie booty call). Though we have had some level of emotional connection or rapport in the past, I am not really feeling it now. It is difficult to feel that - and thus enjoy the sex - when one has clearly not made the "med school cut."  I do not know what to do about this, but I will communicate my concern and see if there is any satisfactory way forward. If there is not, then I will just go back to being friends with her.

Relationship. I want a relationship. I am obviously not good at dating apps. I am better at making connections in person. I feel like I am at a point in my life where I could be the best boyfriend I have ever been: I am looking forward to it. That said, I have not found anyone. I am keeping an eye open but cannot help but feel a little lonely. 

Life Is Suffering

Preface: I am not suicidal. If I was, I would consult a professional. Still, life causes me stress because of the way it actually is.

Ever just sit around and observe how awful our set-up is? We come into this world without anyone consulting us first. Then, you have a few ignorant years until you are thrown head-first into many of life's sufferings. Break-ups, familial deaths, anxiety, back pain, etc. Producing and eating good food comes at the suffering of sentient animals. Medications that can make life blissful and euphoric are illegal and/or will make one detrimentally addicted. And then one of life's purported blessings, children, is a but-for cause of suffering. 

People try to get around this by conjuring up metaphysical paradises. All our worries will go away once we are there! Yeah... without evidence, I will not buy it.

As far as we know, we suffer and then we just die. Many of life's blessings are actually covered in the blood of innocents. That's really messed up, when you sit down and think about it. C'est la vie.

What keeps me going is the concept of duty. Yeah, I suffer. However, I am not the only one. I have the opportunity to reduce the suffering of others, I should take it.  

1 hour ago, EitherDare0 said:

I would love to get to that point. I am trying. Constantly reminding myself what I thought she was before was an illusion. It's so clear to me she is a narcissist and potentially even Bipolar. It's actually scary listening to trained professionals talk about it because she hits every marker.

I am sure in time I will thank my lucky stars I got out before I did. But I guess because I am more of an empathetic person, and truly love her deeply, it's hard for me to see what she is or is becoming, of course helpless in the process, and now heart broken. Questioning if any of it was real, if it was a lie or act. Trying hard NOT to overthink things, especially the past. 

My most recent ex says I am a narcissist, too.

It is interesting how many rush to ascribe various pathologies to ex-partners. In many cases, all the partner did was end the relationship. Surely, that does not warrant a diagnosis. 

The story is much simpler than the one you are telling yourself. First, you were into one another and you started a relationship. You enjoyed each other's company for a while, maybe even fell in love. Then, for reasons you know or reasons you do not, she lost interest and fell out of love. She processed that for some time, then she decided to end the relationship in the way least painful for her. Now, she is seeing other people to help her deal with her grief or loss. Or, she is just enjoying her single life since she no longer owes any duty of faithfulness to you. Or, both.

This loss has caused you immense pain and suffering. You deserve compassion because you are suffering so much. I do sincerely hope your suffering does not last long. And I do not envy your situation. I have been there before and it sucks.

That said, you will gain nothing - minus momentary comfort - from casting blame and ascribing pathologies to your former loved one. You impede your healing when you cast blame, diagnose, and vilify your ex. And if you are anything like me, you will feel awful in the long-run knowing that you did not handle the situation in the right way. 

I think there are several things you should not be doing at this time, which you have done:

• You unloaded blame and vitriol onto her for all of the hurt you are experiencing.
• You have acted like she is in the wrong for sleeping with others while she is single. (It is difficult to see - no question - but she owes you no duty of faithfulness at this point). 
• You have said she has various psychological disorders like narcissistic personality disorder and bipolar disorder. You do this instead of acknowledging that she is a flawed human that simply fell out of love and ended your relationship. 

None of this is healthy. In fact, it is immature. It will only impede your healing and burn bridges. I realize you are in pain and this may sting to read but you should alter your behaviors and your perspective moving forward.

In my opinion, moving forward, you should:

• Save face. Apologize for your recent vitriolic outburst. Say you are struggling with healing but what you said and did was not fair. You wanted to let her know. 
• Politely explain that you will still need to block her on everything in order to heal and move on, but if applicable, you are open to reconciliation if she changes her mind and here is how she can reach you. 
• Work on yourself physically. Go to the gym every day. Run (or do cardio) often. Buy a new wardrobe. Get a new haircut that makes you feel like a million bucks. 
• Work on yourself mentally / socially. Post on ENA. Find out or infer why she fell out of love with you and fix those items (maybe it was the way you were acting - maybe it was something else). Find a new social hobby or activity. Meet new people. 

--

This is tough love advice, but remember, I am posting for your benefit. I hope this helps. 

Grr... I shouldn't have clicked on your Twitter page. I was looking for an old joke to share with friends on my own profile, and I saw your old comment in that thread. Then, my curiosity got the better of me and I looked at your page. 

Of course... why am I surprised. Since the breakup, you've retweeted from a "Narcissist Support" page or group. And, you've made other pointed posts (about how people who hurt you always having an excuse having the problem and not wanting to improve). A bunch of stuff like that. I'm not sure if you know what you are doing or if you are actually that deluded. We dated for a long time and I treated you right. I am a human being with an active mind and heart. Your criticisms are not just unkind - they are plain wrong.

I will find someone better: someone who communicates - someone who doesn't rationalize loss by thinking people are narcissists - someone who doesn't drag others down, even their "enemies," in public - someone who won't ever try to isolate me from my family and friends - someone with goals and ambition - someone kind - someone with similar values. 

Someone better. Now leave me alone.

Hey, OP. Sorry you are feeling this way. For context, I am a 26-year-old man. 

I was nodding along to some of the points in your original post. I felt similarly at 23: family getting older, time passing by, leaving college and heading to the real world. Not quite old enough to be respected in a profession, seen as the old person by college peers. It can be stressful.

Re: time. Yes, there is nothing we can do to stop the passage of time. But we can spend time with family and friends, support them, and treasure the time we do have. That time will run out is an unfortunate part of life. But it is also relieving. We do not need to deal with the stresses of life forever, nor do our loved ones. Let that thought bring peace, not just trepidation. 

Re: age. When I was reading your post, I at first assumed you were 29 by the way you were talking. You are 23. Even if 30 were old - it's not - I very commonly find people in their 30s youthful and attractive. It sounds like you still find yourself youthful and attractive, too. Your 30s will not be a barrier to your love and happiness. 

Hope this helps. 

OP, 

Thanks for the reply. 

It is relatively easy to get into the habit of vilifying or demonizing our ex-partners. However, it may not be fair or accurate to do so, and doing so may impair our healing. Looking at a bad situation as it is usually seems to help me come to terms with it. 

In most cases - at least in my experience when I've broken up with somebody - I tossed and turned for weeks, if not months deciding whether to break up. I might have communicated problems as they arose, but I didn't outwardly change all my behaviors. And after it was done, I felt relieved that months of indecisiveness or anxiety were finally over. If that's a common enough experience among "dumpers" (I suspect it is), it could be that after or about the time she moved away, she started having serious doubts. And you clearly did not see those second-thoughts displayed outwardly. Internally, perhaps she struggled with the decision of whether or not to break up with you for some time. After she came to terms with her decision, she broke up with you as quickly as possible, giving the appearance that she broke up with you out of the blue. And now, she could be relieved that the decision has been made, and / or simply enjoying single life.

This doesn't seem to me like a story of betrayal or infidelity. It isn't a story about an evil, narcissistic ex-girlfriend. It is a story about a regular, imperfect ex-girlfriend who lost interest in her relationship with you and broke up with you in the way easiest for her. And it sucks.

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I understand you are going through a lot of pain, but still worth saying that you don't "deserve" break-up sex. As far as I know, that's not very common... And I know you are missing her in that way but you shouldn't want that. If she prepositioned you for break-up sex, she would be essentially using you to get off and taking advantage of your emotionally vulnerable state. A hug was appropriate and reasonable. At least, it shows a basic level of respect for the "dumpee" (you).

In regard to keeping in contact - on this thread, many posters have advised you to cut off or severely limit contact. You will never move on if you are constantly in contact with her, always being reminded of your ex. Additionally, being in constant contact with her will allow her to gradually and comfortably wean herself off of you while she looks for others. Please take care of yourself by cordially limiting or cutting contact. No small talk; no pleasantries. You can tell her that you are open to reconciliation if she ever wants to talk about that - but you need to try to stay out of contact in order to heal and move on. 

Hope this helps. Keep on moving forward, OP. 

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I am not sleeping well, I am not myself. I do not have much joy. I am not outgoing or confident like I generally am. I constantly find myself reminiscing on good times. Memories, and questioning how and why this happened. The only good in all of this is I have been working out a ton and trying to self improve. 

Sorry you are going through this, OP. You are dealing with a lot at the moment. Heartbreak is not easy. 

The self-improvement and working out is a productive step toward moving on. Keep it up.

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But I feel hopeless. I don’t think I’ll find another woman who ticks the boxes for me like this one did. So much good and potential, so swiftly cut down without much warning. All I do is think of her. Fight the urge to talk to her. Constantly reminding myself that there’s nothing I can do. No grand gesture. No winning her back. I know how she is, I am sure there is a few guys already lined up at her door. And she cannot be alone so I know she’s talking to someone. 

Break-ups are generally not easy for anyone, and people respond to loss in different ways.

You have listed several adverse possibilities - but they are only possibilities. There are infinite possibilities. You do not / will not know how she is doing currently and you cannot predict your own future.

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the smart, rational person would think I deserve better. To forget this biotch. But, my heart is still invested. I foolishly miss her and want to help her, even though she deserves nothing from me. 

true heart-break is probably the worst thing ever. I feel so alone. Obviously none of this is helping me improve. I even have a very cute girl highly interested in me, but I feel like a wounded, maimed baby deer. Broken and defeated and not at all interested in anyone else. 

I lol'd at "biotch." Anyway. 🙂 

It is not foolish to miss a recently gone ex-girlfriend, especially if you were deeply invested in the relationship. Do not be frustrated that you are not ready for a new relationship or other type of interaction, no matter how cute the person showing interest is. You are only three weeks out from tremendous loss and still fixated on that loss.

Yes, the pain of losing someone dear to us is probably one of the worst pains we will ever face. Most/all of us posting on this thread have gone through a tremendous loss like this in our own lives. For instance, I remember my first love, call her L. When L broke up with me, I was a wreck. That loss is what first brought me to this forum. I was fixated on the relationship I just lost and the idea of her, probably for about a month on-end of just incessant, unescapable ruminations, all day every day. It was figuring out what went wrong and coming to terms with it (including my own mistakes), fixing those things, self-improvement (like working out and being more social) that eventually got me over that loss. L and I eventually reconciled, but it was after I felt better, and I know now that I was not even fully confident in getting back together at that point. After some time, I ended up breaking up with L.

I emerged from that darkness and gloom (and others, since) as a wiser and more resilient person. Others have, too. You'll get there too, in time. Keep up what you have been doing. It gets easier in time if you do the right things, I promise. 

OP, from your last thread, it seemed like your needs weren't being met. Is that still the case? From the last thread you told us that you communicated to her and asked her to be a little bit more active in the relationship. Did she listen to and take that feedback, or do you feel like it has been ignored?

Thanks for your reply and explanation. I see better what you mean.

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I don’t even really remember the guy. I am sure I met him but definitely don’t know him. I won’t have to cross paths. I won’t be near any of them fortunately. I did notice they aren’t Facebook friends anymore. I am not going to bother asking, but I assume she felt guilty and blocked him. I am pleased if she did. I’m not naive enough to think she will run back into my arms. She may even be talking to someone else. But if she broke contact with that guy it alleviates the sting some. 

Okay, good news. But, it's probably best to block Mr. Groomsman and either unfollow her (if you have self-restraint) or politely block her. As a general rule, visiting the ex's Facebook page will only bring pain.

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I developed it around 2010-2012. So many failed attempts at dating. So many being one of many guys. I fall hard. So I’ve had a lot of issues with girls who just aren’t as serious about me as I was them. But mentally I am screwed up from all the games and toxic bs. 

thought for awhile there it was gone, but then my 5 year relationship took a turn when I found my GF sending nudes to others on dating sites. So that reopened a gaping wound of untrusting. Of toxic thoughts like others romantically involved with my girl. 

Sorry for your traumatic experiences. There are plenty of people out there who (1) want a committed, loving relationship and (2) will not betray you. Perhaps you have been investing your time in the wrong people, or leaning into romantic partners who pull "games and toxic bs" (that said, people like you with a "gimmick" to exploit are commonly required in order for those games to work). Have you ever tried working through why you are naturally selecting those types of partners, or why you are commonly finding yourself in those types of situations, with a therapist? Since you are grieving hard at the moment, you may find therapy both helpful and insightful.

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So naturally when I think of what she told me, how she likes this other guy, my mind goes to overthinking toxicity. Like it convinces me he probably flew to visit. Or they are hooking up. When in all reality it’s probably just is or was casual snap chats or texts. And again it seems like they aren’t FB friends already, which means knowing my EX she probably blocked him out of guilt.

(...)

rationally I shouldn’t think about any of that. I try to distract or tell myself that’s silly. But toxic overthinking isn’t just so simple as “just don’t do it!” 

Rumination and repetitive thoughts are common parts of the human experience, especially when one experiences a significant loss. I do not suggest you try to avoid the thoughts. Reason being, it is oxymoronic to try to consciously pretend a thought isn't there: the best way to ensure a dreadful thought will continue to float unfettered around your mind is actively trying not to think about the thought. So no, it's not that you just shouldn't think about it. The thoughts will happen. But you can decide how and under what conditions they stay. 

My favorite strategy for addressing these repetitive thoughts is debunking. I allow the thoughts in, and then deconstruct them by acting like my mind's defense attorney. I might think "wow, I am really unattractive." Playing devil's advocate/defense attorney, I could then reply, "I am reasonably fit. I went on a date last week. [Person] asked me to a formal dance event last week. [Other person] you gave me flirty eyes this morning. Obviously, you are capturing the interest of the opposite sex, Pleasedonot5..." You, of course, would tailor it to your speculation/repetitive thoughts about any what-ifs, hypotheticals, or ex's activities. If it doesn't work, well then it doesn't work. Other strategies like reframing, activity, expression, or mindfulness may work better for you. 

I think you might benefit from this video on repetitive thoughts, which goes over the topics I just discussed. It's a long video, but the content is helpful. I sometimes listen to the author in the background or just before bed. 

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I may have over-extended the scope of my reply, but I genuinely hope it helps lessen your suffering in some way.