Pleasedonot5

OP,

It is worth noting that you have an advantage here. You know that something isn't right, so you are in a prime position to work on and fix the issue.

I agree with the others who mentioned that you should see a therapist and physician for help with those ruminations and distressing physiological symptoms.

I guess my only other add is that the worst thing that happens -- let's say your jealous feelings really are indicative of a true threat to the relationship -- is that he leaves you. It has been only three weeks of dating. That would be disappointing and bruise your ego, perhaps, but the world usually does not end as a result of those kinds of happenings. So, that in mind...what is at the root of this, what are you so afraid of?

I hope this helps. 

8 hours ago, AceAlice said:

Hello Everyone.

I have quite the long history of mental health issues that I have battled with for most of my life. I guess with it being RUOK day, I wanted to start a topic about mental health and just how bloody important it is.

Where I live, I assumed that my country had a decent health care system. But reflecting on my previous treatments, I realised that it's really a wheel that keeps on spinning. I realise I am getting bad so I seek treatment. I am put onto a waiting list of up to 8 months, and by then I am a bloody mess. I go to treatment, explain my problems, get "treated" with the same treatment methods that I explained haven't worked for me in the past, give the psychologist the benefit of the doubt because it took me 8 months to see one and I really need the help, end up stagnant, try to find a new psychologist, go onto a new waiting list and convince myself I will be okay and the next psych will help me. Rinse and repeat. 

I'm not a doctor but I do like to do research, and i'm quite sure that having recurring depression for 14 years when you are seeing psychologists, doctors and psychiatrists isn't normal. I appear to function pretty normally from the outside, but I am constantly fighting myself. It's a damn nightmare. Speaking of nightmares, I haven't had a decent sleep in close to a year. I am struggling to keep the façade of normality up.

I was in a bad place last year, but there was reason behind the madness. Now I am slipping again and I can't find a source for it. I know sometimes you have good and bad days but gee, it's 4 bad days followed by 1 or 2 good ones. I recently started seeing a psychologist who is also a doctor. He is exploring the theory that I have been misdiagnosed for years. He wants to get me in to see a psychiatrist, but that won't be happening for months, as there is a waiting list for appointments. It's better than nothing, but I can't help but feel that if I was physically ill I would be treated much sooner than with mental illness.

Awareness with mental health has come a long way, but we still have a long way to go. Have you had struggles like this? What did you do to get the treatments you needed? Any advise, stories or rants are welcome.

Hi OP,

Those waiting lines sound absolutely dreadful. I am sorry you are dealing with that. "Universal" healthcare systems in some countries use "queuing" (long lines) to keep costs down, and surely you are a victim of those cost containment measures where you live. In my country (U.S.), healthcare is almost instantaneous by comparison but way more cost prohibitive. I like the system here better, but I guess that is because it is the proverbial "devil I know."

I am curious: what are the symptoms of your mental health issues? 

I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). I have been prescribed a variety of treatments in the past, from xanax generics, talk therapy, and antidepressants. Therapy was almost always a net positive, but it did not fix the underlying problem on its own. Xanax was merely a bandage and I did not like the way it felt. The antidepressant (Zoloft, an SSRI) was dreadful: it caused sexual dysfunction, dizziness, and eventually strong suicidal ideations (which stopped when I stopped the medication). 

Recently, a new doctor prescribed me a purely anti-anxiety medication called buspirone (a.k.a. BuSpar). It has worked like a charm. I am generally anxiey-free around 90% of the time. It has been a game-changer. It does not work for everyone, but it has worked for me. Perhaps it is worth discussing with your health provider. 

I hope this helps. Life is difficult, often especially so for those of us with mental health issues. Stay strong, OP. Reply if you have any questions or need to vent. Also, feel free to private message if that works better for you. 

OP,

Are he and his purported crush in a relationship? If so, he is off limits.

If not, he is displaying clear signs of interest in you, but perhaps he is not confident enough to make any direct move. If you are interested in him, then you should reciprocate . If the signals continue to be mixed, be more direct in expressing interest. 

I agree with other posters in that his talking bad about his "crush" is not a good character trait. If he is saying this about her, what will he say about you? Unfortunately, speaking from experience, lots of people are into gossip and taking things emotionally/personally at 17. No excuse, but that level of immaturity is pretty common at that age, as people are still learning/developing. Certainly, there are other guys who will not talk crap about others... But  this number of guys will surely become more plentiful in your 20s.

Hope this helps.

OP,

Unfortunately, I've seen or heard of many of these "yes I will make changes" but then they make no changes situations play out. It is frustrating when partners seem to hear you out and agree, keeping you on board, but then they take no concrete action. My last partner was this way. I am sorry you are going through this.

How does sex between you go, in general? Are you a giving partner, or is he helping you out most of the time? Do you two discuss sexual kinks and interests openly? Is there something he would like that you could be doing but are not? Perhaps there is something you could do or change here that might do the trick. 

It would be unreasonable in my view to direct him to stop watching pornography. It is his private time. Pornography is usually not a slippery slope: not sure what you mean by that. People watch pornography all of the time yet never cheat. However, if overuse of pornography is adversely affecting his desire to be intimate, then it is reasonable to discuss this overuse. 

Some posters have suggested he may be homosexual. He may be. It is almost certain that he isn't entirely straight. But he has sex with you and seems to enjoy it. So, there is perhaps more support for that he is bisexual or, as one dating site describes it, "heteroflexible." If he is indeed bisexual or heteroflexible, then I think your relationship is capable of surviving the revelation.

I agree with the other posters that this requires another, last, talk. You two should discuss what might help. Further, ideally this talk puts him on on implicit notice that the relationship is in peril, because your need for intimacy is not being met and he does not seem to be taking action to alleviate your reasonable concerns. 

I hope this helps. Best of luck, OP.

6 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

I agree! It was today and we were on the phone. After we hang up I realized I didnt like it. If it happens again I will call him out on it. 

Since it happened today, why not just call him up now and tell him that what he said bothered you? 

6 hours ago, Loralora said:

Thanks everyone for your answers! 

Yes he is the doctor. We are both doctors and super busy. He works more than I do and is much more busy than I am. But I still think that no matter how busy someone is they have time to be intimate with their partner if they wanted to. Him working so much is not an excuse. I think the flame is burned out a little, especially after having a baby.

I would never hire a private investigator or put a gps on his car...I take it the OP was being sarcastic. I would never take myself down to that level if he would find out he will think I'm a stalker and crazy and will probably want a divorce.

Besides anytime I want to see his location I can..thanks to facebook nearby friends feature it shows you excatly how many km your friends are from you if they allow location on their phone and my husbans always has his location on. That doesn't help cause he can be at work and still cheat if he wanted to.

I think if he was really cheating with time I will find out without any of that private investigator stuff.

I don't know I guess I will talk to him about it...that I don't feel comfortable with us having so little sex and him being so overlygroomed down there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think saying, "I am not comfortable with you grooming and us not having sex" is the right call. First, saying that is unreasonable: it is his body and he can groom it how he pleases. Second, it is secondary to and dependant on the actual concern. You would not be upset about his grooming if the two of you were having regular sex. So, therein lies the primary problem. 

Rather, you should communicate your concern that you are not having enough sex, and it makes you worry that the flame has burned out between you two.

Hey, OP. Sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you came here to vent instead of keeping all of that bottled up inside. 

What action is your partner contemplating taking?

I left my first love for the last time because she decided to move across the country for six months even though she knew it would result in a break up. Maybe I (and others) could relate to the specifics of your situation. 

OP, sorry you are dealing with these worries. 

Sure, shaving for another woman is possible. There are other possible explanations, though. Had he been shaving during the summer months? His recent grooming may just be pattern that he has continued. Or, maybe he wanted to shave to feel attractive/clean/better about himself. 

You wrote that he has lied or flirted in the past. I am curious to know what you mean. Without more information on those circumstances, I don't think you have enough information to conclude that he is cheating. 

Based on the information currently provided, there are major problems in this marriage that will not be resolved through analyzing his grooming activities. You both are not having sex and you do not trust him. You both need to work on these items somehow, otherwise the marriage may not survive. 

14 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

Well, someone who heard my age shortly after meeting me for the first time (was a few years ago too) remarked 'bloody hell, you must have had a tough paper round'.

For those that don't know, that's a British expression that means you look a lot older than you are.

That's one example I can think of anyway, might sound silly to put so much stock in what one random person a few years ago said but in general people do tell me that I'm unattractive... not like constantly, but more often than I think must be normal; and I've certainly never been told the opposite before.

I wasn't even especially overweight at the time. I mentioned before that even when I'm exercising, eating healthy and all that stuff I'm still fat, just less so... well this was during one of these spells.

Well, maybe you are just big-boned, even when you lose weight. Several of my close guy friends are overweight, one is pretty lanky, and they are all in great relationships or married at the moment. And here I am, at average weight, decent frame/muscles, and I am really struggling in the ladies department right now lol. I think being absolutely ripped or jacked would help any guy's chances, but it is not necessary.

Solid charisma, confidence, a sense of humor, and/or having laudable passions or interests are attributes my friends have to varying degrees, and I think it has really helped them. I think working on these areas would help you, too. 

Now, again, if you have almost zero confidence because of the way you look...well, it would make sense to make certain changes in that area for the purposes of self-improvement, right? The "love yourself" advice is great, but it only goes so far. Rather, I prefer the practical approach: identify what you do not like, then change what you do not like, within reason. 

28 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

Appreciate the suggestion. We actually spend a lot of non-sexual time together. 24 weeks of dating, over a year of know each other all together. We do a lot of activities, whether it be date night though those are getting limited as covid restrictions are on the rise once again. We cook together and even go ride our motorcycles together (a hobbies she picked up from me and loves). In short we spend alot of time together, and honestly I wouldn't want it anyway.  It isn't incompatible sexually, and I'm not sure you understand how it feels to deny someone who is initiating sex. I am worried I will hurt her as when I do, she often goes to the gym the next day and mentions she wants to be fit and look attractive to me. Even though I tell her I am attracted to her. I am wondering if this is normal for some or am I out to lunch in feeling tired of having sex. The actual sex once engaged isn't the issue. And I certainty don't think great sex is enough to keep a relationship together. All other aspects are perfect and I want to know if this is something I need to work on and figure out or if this is something to discuss and work together on. 

to answer directly, yes I am stressed with work right now. With covid restrictions on the rise here work could be affected and business will be slow meaning possible loss of income. 

She absolutely does and if I want something she is more than happy to oblige if she is comfortable with it. And no nothing in my past I enjoyed that I can't do with her to honest. with maybe the exception of one thing? But I'm not even sure I want to do that yet with her. 

I am feeling insecure in my self as I am the heaviest I have been so I know that if I go back to the gym and get in shape that would help and it is already something I am working on. And I do feel insecure sexually because I have gotten so used to the fact that if my partner doesn't enjoy or climax it bothers me somewhere inside me. While I have told her this I hope she does not fake it to appease me. But to answer you question yes. I don't ever feel like its faked but there was one time she did not climax and I think she could tell  I was bothered. It was just an off night where I couldn't last which was very unlike me. 

Work on the things that you can control. If the weight bothers you, go on walks or head to the gym. That might help with the tiredness too.  I am currently working on losing a few pounds (my weight is alright, but I would feel better if I were a little more in shape. ). I am going to the gym and going on runs. I see and feel the difference. It is a game changer, let me tell you. 

Also, OP. Keep it mind that she wants to jump your bones every night. She wants you so bad that she is exhausting you (good problem to have lol)! I assure you that means she is enjoying herself. 

And, news for you, OP. Not everyone needs to climax every time. Your sexual worth is not measured by the number of orgasms you give. Someone could enjoy himself or herself plenty irrespective of climax. Sometimes I could be really enjoying myself but then my body is like, "nope, not tonight!" Usually, I am pretty forthcoming about what I want a partner to do, so the occasional inability to orgasm doesn't make me think a partner isn't doing it right.  

Hey, OP. A couple of things that you might consider. 

(1) In my last few relationships / a recent FWB, I sometimes experienced a lower sex drive. At times, this was indicative of lacking connection or emotional intimacy. I.e., something was bothering me, perhaps, and I felt I was more distant because I had not communicated the way I was feeling. Is there something nonsexual that is bothering you in the relationship? If so, have you communicated this to her? 

(2) At times, partners/I have experienced a lower sex drive due to external stress or mental health issues. Do you have a lot going on, either in terms of stress or mental health issues, in your outside life?

(3) Is she taking care of you in the bedroom? Do you have fantasies or kinks you want to try out that you have not tried out yet? Were there certain activities in your last relationship(s) that you really liked that are not happening now?

(4) are you feeling insecure sexually? I had a nightmare sexual experience recently that obviated my sexual confidence for a few weeks. During that time, I did not want to have sex, even with a recent fwb. I mention this because you mention others might have faked orgasms (it really doesn't sound like that from what you described imo). Are you sexually insecure? Did something happen recently that made you doubt your ability to perform?

(5) it is possible everything is great and you just have a slightly lower sex drive. Or you are just tired, as you said, lol. I don't think it would be bad to take a day or two off every now and then lol.

-- 

Lastly, I agree with @Wiseman2's suggestion that you spend more nonsexual time together. Taking the time out for romance and emotional connection seems important to you (see your comments about quickies, for instance). I feel similarly. I find that nonsexual time together (romance or just hanging out, deep conversation) ultimately helps in the bedroom. 

42 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Rose Mosse oh yes, well alive. They're the main topic in my therapy.

They are toxic and all I can do is see them as humans and agree to disagree with them. When I talk to my mom specially, I'm often reminded by her that I'm a failure and that she always wants me to be something else- even if I say that I'm happy with how things are and that I appreciate her concerns.

Regardless of that, talking with her reminds me of my trauma and reinforces it. So, I'm learning to deal with it slowly and see it for what it is. I'll never be enough for them, but I'll be enough for me.

Our contact is limited for very much the above reasons.

Dealing with a toxic family is incredibly difficult. I am sorry you are dealing with that. I have a difficult past with my family, too. No doubt, that past has shaped many of my behaviors and interactions with other people. Only in the last few years has my family life become non-toxic, and actually, loving. But it took me many years to get there. 

It seems like you might have a gimmick (essentially, a socially exploitable need) to be enough that requires you to "keep the peace" or explain yourself in your interactions with your parents, and therefore, the people who act coolly around you. That need gives the other person, in this case your mother, control over you. One example of this is that you tell your mother that you "appreciate her concerns" after she lambastes you with criticisms. You politely and in quite a friendly way respond, allowing her to act that way unfettered. 

You do not appreciate those concerns, so you should not say that you do. Maybe, the next time you have to interact and she makes you feel like a failure, the opposite approach: telling her you do not appreciate her words, enough is enough, and she is not being a good mother to you when she acts like that- would be better. Or, maybe then leaving/ending the interaction/working in some other social consequence would work too. That might help you break the gimmick/game cycle in which you seem to be caught. 

Of course, my advice could be totally off, but I am hoping this advice and the video linked therein do help in some significant way. 

19 hours ago, DoesItEvenMatter said:

I recently went through my husbands phone. I found messages of him messaging a girl asking her to be a rope model so that he could practice rope tying as he wants me and him to do more of that in the bedroom. I was out of town when he messaged a girl. It isn't someone that I thought would be considered a close enough friend to practice anything like that with even if he didn't have any sexual intentions with the encounter. She declined his offer but I still feel so uncomfortable that he would even think it was okay to ask someone that. He was upset that I feel like it's hard to trust that he had no hope of the interaction turning into anything sexual. Am I being crazy? I have often wondered if he is faithful to me, I just don't know what to do. 

Every reading of this situation presents your husband as a culpable party.

I do not buy his "innocent" reasoning for asking the woman to be a rope model for him. Even if his reasoning taken at face value (it almost certainly should not be), that would make him a simpleton who acted inappropriately. This is because of a well-understood social expectation for exclusive partners: it is inappropriate for a partner to ask for a sexual act from another person. Even accepting his reasoning, would this be cheating/infidelity? Probably, yeah. It might be a less culpable version of events, but it is still culpable. 

Personally, given how unlikely I think it is that he does not understand the boundaries of exclusivity, I think the most likely true interpretations are that either (1) he wanted the person to send him pictures tied up so that he could get himself off (essentially sexting), using that he just wanted to practice rope-tying on you as a pretext for the kinky photos, and/or (2) he wanted to meet up with her for sex, using that same pretext. Either would be infidelity. You should probably proceed accordingly. 

Updates since the last entry. 

FWB.

I had been feeling kind of gross because of the FWB. Yes, my FWB partner was a FWB and that means sex. However, we are/were friends first and foremost and not just "side pieces." I was feeling like a side-piece, because I would only ever get an hour or two of afternoon rendezvous. Sexting when it worked for her. Less underlying emotion/connection than before. Again, it was FWB. Not that she did anything wrong, but I was feeling gross and so it was not working for me. I called her up, we talked a bit, but I ended up expressing some of my concerns (how they were the same as a month ago), and though I was on the fence about continuing (the sex was good), she started to gaslight a little. E.g., even though she would tell me / express to me that she was even (really) romantically interested in me at times, now she started to say "well we know it would never work" and "we knew the deal going in." Well, that made me make up my mind. I just told her that well, I think we should just be friends. It isn't working for me for the reasons I mentioned, and we are both going to be really busy anyway.

Since then, funny enough, she has made more time to contact me. She has called me with insecurities about how I am feeling about her. I think I want to stay friends, even though she is putting more time in and seems to be a more available friend (she still wants FWB). 

As a result of breaking off the FWB, I do not feel gross anymore. I am lonely. However, I do not feel more lonely, because I was not getting much attention in that interaction anyway. Maybe now I can focus more on making friends and finding a potential relationship partner. 

Fruit Flies

Activity has been very low, which is good. Today, small fruit flies appeared again around my bedroom. I reapplied tape to cover the possible openings, Maybe they had found a way through. I also purchased one of those toxic insect killer patches/strips. They are safe for use in places, like areas for piping, attics, etc. where people do not spend a lot of time. It would work behind the closed panel in my bedroom. I will do this if they stay this time - the reason I am not going to do it now is because I do not want the hassle of reapplying lots of tape if I open the panel. But I will if I have to. 

At least there has been some success on this front.

Law School

Law school classes started back up: this is my second year in law school. I like my professors: I have two professors I enjoyed from last year in a total of three classes. The fourth course has a new professor, but he seems nice enough. 

I was frustrated this week in part due to the following factors:

1. Lack of sleep: I needed to adjust to the new sleep schedule.
2. Not very many law students seem to head over to the student center (as I do) for coffee/lunch after class is dismissed. I find that strange: where do they go? At least I made a new friend, call him Dan, and sat with a classmate or two from my first year here and there. Thursday (yesterday), I had probably the most conversation of the whole week. 
3. The university has strict COVID-19 protocols. I think most of these protocols, i.e., the vaccine mandate, the daily screening app we fill out, are fine and make so much sense. The mask mandate makes some sense given the possibility of Delta variant breakthrough cases, but the enforcement of it (e.g., when I am sitting alone or just studying with one friend) is annoying and makes less sense. There is a policy or two which do not make sense, which I will speak to in (4).
4. I had a plan to make a visit of every day that I went down to campus, which is each day Monday through Thursday. That included at the university's recreation center, which has a gym, locker room, and showers inside. The mask mandate applies to the fitness center area, too, so I planned to run outside and then lift weights indoors afterward. Of course, since I would go between classes or before a 40-45 minute drive home, I would need to use the showers, lets I be sweaty, sticky, and smelly during campus business. However, on Monday, the recreation center staff informed me that the facilities were all open but the showers were closed. I reckon even with masks, people are in more danger of possible Delta variant breakthrough cases in places where they are interacting (speaking with one another, breathing heavily, in close proximity) than in an individual shower stall. What does the university think we do in the showers? It is inconceivable that anyone would want to interact while in an individual shower stall. I wrote to the director of the facility on Thursday to encourage him to open up the showers for the reasons aforementioned. I was kind, professional, and persuasive - except for one part where I called the policy frustrating and nonsensical lol. Turns out the director agrees and has requested twice from the university's health committee that it allow reopening of the showers. He said the shower would be open within minutes of hearing back from the committee. Glad to know I am not the only one frustrated by this lol.

Friends / More

I want to make friends / potential romantic connections at the law school or the university as a whole. It is a bit difficult to make new friends when everyone is masked up and mostly keeping to their small groups. However, I think that (1) law students do not seem to be going en masse to the main student center for coffee lunch between classes and (2) maybe inherent in the way I am acting, I am not putting out "friendly" or "I am single and ready to mingle" signals.  

It has been a year without much social interaction - so maybe I need to cut myself some slack.  

Miscellaneous Law School

I am in an elections law group. I have former experience (2-3 years) as an accredited election administrator in my state. So, I have some connections with election practitioners. Around when I joined the group, and in the summertime when I was dealing with very heightened anxiety, the group President spoke with me about some events he wanted to do. He wanted my help with them. They are lunch events where he wants practitioners to speak, and ask Q&A. I agreed to help. However, it has turned into me agreeing to more involvement than turns out I am comfortable with. I hate event planning. Relying on my connections for an unclear presentation purpose also makes me anxious. In addition, I do not know on what topic to have them present. The President did not give me a clear answer either. Also, perhaps most importantly, I have learned zero from joining this group. However, the group is now relying on me to put on this event. And, the President asked me to reach out to the people over a month ago (my bad, but I was also dealing with more important things - and a mental health crisis - at that time). Reaching out for clarification now would probably make him think, "you have not asked them yet??" And he would be right to think that. 

Frankly, I want to leave the group, since it is a burden and I am not gaining any knowledge from it. However, I agreed to help plan these events, like it or not. I do not want to burn bridges with potential legal connections. 

I think I will reach out to one of my connections, a county election practitioner and my mentor, and see if he would be willing to talk about what he does and how the county helps municipalities with election administration during a lunch hour. If he asks for clarification on what exactly to present about, I would just need go from there. 

Writing this out makes the task less scary. I think I will just send an email right now.      

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I personally would not make those comments to this person's partner if I were the OP.  He already knows there is modern science. He knows he could seek treatment if he chose to.  He knows others with mental health issues work or pursue gainful employment with everything they've got.  And then some.  He knows she knows how it feels.  She's told him that ad nauseum. And shown him. He doesn't care.   If I were to do the "last ditch effort/one more chance" sort of thing I would say:

I feel our arrangement is unfair and I need a change in the arrangement if we are to continue living together and being together.  Here is what I need. In the next month, I need to see that you have spent every day looking for work and I need to see that you've emailed resumes, followed up, and obtained at least a few interviews.  I need to see you pursuing jobs you can do right now for the meanwhile whether it's fast food or Starbucks or customer service. 

Yes, this is an ultimatum because I feel I've done far too much to support us financially.  I'm very tired of all the extra work I am doing to provide for you financially.  So by next month if you don't have a job or at least a job offer you are planning to take and start ASAP I would like you to move out. I will help you look for a place and I'll consider helping you with first months' rent.  

We've already talked too much about your mental health issues.  You are an adult and you can figure out how to look for jobs and work at a job while also seeking treatment for your mental health issues. I am happy to help you as  far as discussing which therapists you've considered and like that but you are an adult and if you want to be with me I need to see you step up to the plate in a big way.

I think you are capable of giving your own similar advice without the need to contradict mine. Please simply reply to the OP with your own advice in the future. 

On 9/2/2021 at 12:50 PM, saifox234 said:

First time posting something like this online. Just don't really have anyone in real life that I feel comfortable talking to about this. 

My partner (26M) and I (25F) have been dating for 5 years now and I really love him and want to marry him but there's one pretty huge issue in our relationship. I've worked for the entirety of our relationship while he's maybe worked a total of 1 year between different jobs over the past 5 years. I understand because we were both in college but now that we've both graduated nothings changed. 

I work 50+ hours a week with 1 full time job and 1 part time job. I pay our full rent, internet, groceries, pet supplies and any other expenses because he won't get a job. He said that he's looking and I've trusted him for a while but it's been over a year and a half now and I feel like im drowning in finances. I can't afford anything for myself. I can barely afford my medication and car payments and I'm so tired of having no savings because I'm using my entire income to support myself, my partner and our pets. I might even need to get a 3rd job once I have to start paying my student loans back.

Any time I try to talk to him about it though he just shuts down. He has severe anxiety and I suspect he also has agoraphobia which the pandemic has just made worse so I understand to a degree but I also have diagnosed severe anxiety. I take medication for it and went to therapy until I couldn't afford it anymore. He refuses to get help and I just don't know how to talk to him about it.

I'm worried that every time I talk about this problem everyone will just say to break up with him but it's easier said than done. Other than financial problems, our relationship is great and I love him so much. 

How do I talk to him in a productive way without him completely stone walling me?

"Hey, [Partner], we need to talk. Let me tell you what I am feeling first and then you can respond. 

I understand what it is like to have an anxiety disorder or mental health issues. It can feel absolutely awful. However, we have to make the best of it. Modern science has developed a variety of treatments, which you could start the moment you decide to help yourself. I have chosen to seek help for my anxiety disorder. Since you have not taken active steps to start a treatment for your mental health issues, I am left to conclude that you are comfortable taking no action for yourself, and for us.

I say, for us, because your mental health issues are a major obstacle to you making an effort to find gainful employment. Currently, I am working fifty-plus hours per week and footing almost 100 percent of the bills. Despite that, I am barely keeping us afloat. To make matters worse, my student loan payments will become due shortly, and this will make our financial situation even more difficult. The way things are financially between us is unsustainable.

If our relationship is to continue, you need to seek treatment for your mental health issues. After you do so, I need to see you make an earnest effort to obtain gainful employment, through (1) use of our alma mater's career office (for resume, cover letter, and interview help), and (2) completing and submitting applications every week until you find a job. 

If I do not see this effort, our relationship is in deep trouble." 

1 hour ago, Afireblue said:

Hello! I had a random contact from my latest ex...

We "tried" to stay friends on his request, but I couldnt do it because I still had feelings for him. So I would reply to his texts but I never initiated and one day the messages stopped coming for 1 month. Today randomly he sent me a photo of a place we used to visit for dates, it was like "our place".

 

Why do people do this? is it ego? loneliness? is he getting of probably knowing that this will get my attention?. 

Any opinions?

It is difficult to tell. Exes will get back in contact for a variety of reasons. Some reasons include: 

- they are curious about you or your remaining interest in them, so they send a breadcrumb to gauge your interest

- they feel the sting of you moving on, so they send a breadcrumb to keep your interest

- they miss you as a person

- they miss you as a partner

- they feel lonely

- a mix of any of the above

In my experience, it is most often because the ex intuits that you are moving on, and it stings that they no longer have your interest. So, they either try to reassure themselves by reaching out, or try to keep your interest by doing the same. It is difficult to discern for certain, though.

Regardless, it is obvious that your ex's picture made you think of him, though. If you do not want to be reminded of the ex, consider blocking him on that social medium (I prefer doing so with an explanation, like, "I need to block you on here so that I can continue moving on - I do not mean anything bad by it. I am open to talking if you change your mind and want to reconcile, otherwise I plan to stay out of contact."). That way, he will not be able to send other messages like that, but he will not be offended and will know where you stand. 

It appears that you have had two dates, excellent conversation, and he is showing signs of romantic interest (but not over the top, which is good). To me, he seems to view you as potential long-term partner. 

I do not agree that there are red flags here, nor that you need to be merely a passive participant in this new dating experience. Either he may ask you out again, or you could ask him out - if there is something in particular you would like to do with him. 

If the social media chatting concerns you, during the course of one of the social media chats, give your phone number and tell him you prefer sms texting or a phone call. 

Congratulations on the solid few dates so far, and I hope it continues to go well for the both of you. 

I am really sorry this happened, OP. You neither deserved violence nor death for what you did. He could have simply broken up with you but he grievously injured you and threatened to kill you. 

You should consider:

* Reporting the threats, if you have not already, to the authorities.

* Seeking other resources mentioned here, such as at a women's shelter. 

* Obtaining legal counsel - you would probably be entitled to recover medical and emotional damages in a civil suit.

* Getting a personal protection order. In some jurisdictions, a personal protection order may, if permitted by a judge, come with a temporary concealed carry permit. Perhaps that is something you should consider obtaining: this person has already shown you what he is capable of, and he has expressed intention to kill you. 

1 hour ago, Carnatic said:

It's something I keep meaning to get round to doing. I need to visit my regular hairdresser though, in my home town where my parents still live, because I trust her not to just tune out while I'm talking and then give me 'generic guy cut #1'

Great. It sounds like you should make an appointment (or plan to visit, if no appointment is necessary) this week?

If you have a serious weight-loss goal, I understand putting off buying a ton of clothes until you reach that goal.

However, your justification for forgoing a decent haircut is not very compelling, if I may be blunt, OP. It is not pointless to make a jump from, say, 50% attractive to 60% attractive, just because you would not make it to 100% attractive with that one step.

Giving yourself a haircut (as I am doing today:D) is not for everyone, sure. But are barbers/salons/whatever you call them open where you live, OP? Or, do you have a friend or family member who is proficient at giving haircuts? 

Even if you want your hair to be long for now, you can at least have someone shape it up! 

OP, glad to see you are walking and biking. That is great. 

There is no need to compare yourself to the "trendy" people at bars. They may be having fun that night but they each likely have problems of their own which you do not have to experience.

Regarding hating the way you look... I know the warm and fuzzy advice would be "love your appearance the way it is." But your appearance brings you pain. You are not Sisyphus: you can change the things about your situation which cause you suffering. So, a "grin and bear it" approach here would be reality-denying masochism, in my opinion. 

I find the opposite view more appropriate here. If you do not like the way you look right now, change the things about the way you look which you do not like, within reason. Get a nice new haircut, buy some new clothes and shoes. Keep on exercising. I am sure there are other things you can do, too. 

OP, have a physician evaluate you for anxiety. The symptoms and experiences you described are similar to (albeit more severe than) the ones I experienced when I first developed anxiety, which was around your age. I have generalized anxiety disorder. 

Some tactics that may help your situation:

Help Communicating / Interacting with Your Partner

- Visualizing. You want to have a conversation with him about the way you are feeling. Before hanging out and having the conversation, close your eyes and imagine yourself having the conversation with him. Picture yourself doing well at it. This is a technique used by performers, athletes, and laypeople alike to "practice" before an important event, performance, or otherwise. 

- Debunking. You are currently letting all of these worries and self-criticisms roam around your mind unfettered. Your negative self-talk ("what if I am not good enough; what if I screw up; etc.") acts as your own personal prosecutor. Well, if you put yourself on trial, you need a defense attorney. Argue back against your negative self-talk. ("Well, he seems to like me and I can tell as much because reasons xyz; it is so unrealistic that he would leave me because I communicate that I am anxious; etc.").

Trying to ignore the negative self-talk/fears is a fool's errand: ever try not thinking about something? It is the best way to ensure you think about it all the time. Instead, let those thoughts in and then "debunk" them. It really diminishes the power of those thoughts. 

Alleviating Anxiety Symptoms

- Grounding. When you experience symptoms of anxiety, such as fear, worrying, panicking, that burning feeling in your chest/throat: (1) look around and identify five things you can see. Mentally tell yourself things like, "I can see the clock... I can see the painting... etc. (2) Listen and identify five things you can hear. Mentally tell yourself things like, "I can hear the humm of the air conditioning... I can hear the people talking nearby... Etc." (3) Identify five things you can do as you do them. Mentally tell yourself things like, "I can move my wrist... I can flex my abs... Etc." as you do those things. 

This should temporarily help alleviate symptoms of anxiety. It is like an anxiety "first aid" that works like a charm. 

Paradoxical Intention. This is another mindfulness technique which may help alleviate symptoms of anxiety. For this technique, try to feel one of your anxiety symptoms. For instance, one of my main anxiety symptoms is a burning or tightening feeling in my chest/throat area. I actively, mentally try to induce the burning or tightening feeling in that area. Paradoxically, it goes away. 

--

To reiterate, though these strategies may help, please see a physician and have them evaluate you for anxiety.

I hope this helps. 

OP, I feel ya. I recently had my anxiety medication adjusted. Can confirm: medication adjustments can be a rollercoaster. Sorry you are going through that. That said, you are not feeling this way only because of the change in medication. These are real, valid fears, concerns, and anxieties and you should acknowledge -- not downplay -- them. 

Are you currently in therapy, OP? Seeing a counselor who practices cognitive behavioral therapy may help you make productive changes, work on the low self-esteem, and change some of those self-destructive thought patterns. 

--

Side-note, OP. You are introspective, thoughtful, and moral. I am a complete stranger and I can see that. Those are generally considered to be great qualities in a person -- and I would put those characteristics in the "attractive" column. Give yourself a little credit.