sunshine34

I was feeling wonderful yesterday. I felt empowered, confident, happier... today I miss you and I’m feeling sad and lonely. Not for who you are and how u were to me, because that was sincerely awful. But for the fantasy and dream I had for us that never came true. The one where we travel together and play in the snow.. where we can be free and happy. Where you let yourself love me. I think that is the worst part of all of this for me, that I convinced myself you were holding back, that you really could let go and love me. But when I go back and read my notes from October , I realize it’s always been this way: that you aren’t holding back, I’m seeing something that isn’t there. It’s dangerous how romantic unfulfilled love is. How alluring and painful it is. The words do hurt , the ones I can’t forget.. “I never told you I was going to marry you. You knew I was an ” that conversation was so bad, I think I’ve blocked out parts of it in my mind. Selective amnesia because it hurts too much to see how little you cared about me. I think maybe you just liked how much I would’ve done anything for you , you liked the power you had over me.. you knew I would do whatever you wanted and I was completely yours. Totally and fully, without it being reciprocated. I’m upset at myself for letting it drag on, for letting me fall and now have broken pieces when I knew this all along about you. That you are right about, and I take responsibility for staying.. I guess I really believed one day you’d let go , as if there was some sort of wall you had up to begin with . I think maybe you’re just an evil, selfish person.

This is my sanctuary, this is my place to go to vent, to refresh , to be around others that are hurting too and that somehow makes me feel less alone, so thank you ena for existing and especially this thread. It’s like a place where I can stand out and blend in all at the same time. Anywyas, I finally pulled the plug today. No more limbo, no more sadness , no more begging and pleading you to just give me what I need. I’m not really sure why you stayed with me when you didn’t give a about my happiness. It’s riveting when you are the one breaking up w someone but it’s so clear u are the invested one.. I woke up this morning nauseous , nauseous and anxious because I was sick of not knowing how you feel and what was going on... I poured my heart out to you telling you about my vision and my dream of us working... not only did u ignore it and reply with morning but you scolded me for texting u... saying we have to have the conversation in person and I told u even when we did the words never came from your mouth. You told me next time... brushing me aside bc for u, it didn’t matter if we ever had the talk, you were totally fine. So when it’s about me, oh well, it can wait. My anxiety and nausea took over and I no longer could continue to only care about u and ur needs... told you we had to talk today via FaceTime.. I try and u tell me u are at a client lunch , were u with a client ? I don’t know... later u finally call .. telling me Again basically scolding me that u can’t handle this conversation and this drama so I just tell u, u won’t have to. This is our last talk and I just want closure.. if u can just tell me none of that dream was true for u. Finally u admit we just have different priorities and u don’t put that person first, “I have to look out for me bc no one does” and honestly I’m satisfied just to hear u tell me that u can’t give it to me.. conversation takes a turn and u tell me I need someone to baby me and an old dr... then the call drops and I try u back and ur on the other line...I text u saying I loved u and that u can’t even bother to say goodbye to me. You answer with your usual tone of exhaustion. I tell u how I have u everything and u have me nothing and u say I gave u nothing but then I tell u I’ve been asking for the same thing for months and U also admit you can’t give me that , which was all I’ve wanted to hear u say... so I can give up hope and know I fought until the end for you. I guess I’m harboring guilt for going out the last time we broke up and how u said that changed u and ur perception and u were never the same.. but knowing there’s nothing I could have done to make it right, makes me feel at peace. Then u went back to being annoyed w me so I just said listen this is the last time we are speaking can u at least say something nice . U said fine Jen I’ll do that for u, whatever u want, I’ll fake it for u.. then all u could say was that I was a good person and u liked me.... can’t even talk about how gut wrenching it is that I can write messages like this about u and that’s what you say about me... then this is where all the truth comes out. I say next time maybe just let the girl go sooner... why did u keep seeing me when u knew what I wanted and that U couldn’t give it to me? U use ur usual bs bc I like to spend time w u and then u uncover some bs saying I never told u I was going to marry u, u knew I was an .... shocked. Not even really sure what else to say to that. Then u literally psychopath ally try to mix in casual conversation asking me how my day was and where I’m traveling that my face doesn’t look red from laser .... I’m telling u I love u and u crushed me, I’m leaving and this is how u respond... but IM the crazy one ?!? At this point I know there’s nothing else to be said... ur basically saying I can do whatever I want I do whatever I want and I said oh so there were other women ? And u brush it off. At this point knowing that is irrelevant ... outcome is the same, u don’t love me, u don’t care about me or my happiness , u see no future, u don’t want to be with me. It’s over. I’m sure over the next few days I’ll be sadder. And there is a weird part of me that will still be checking my email in case u say something but I do feel like I’ve seen ur true colors ... what could u say? Why would u say anything ? U just let me go and honestly,’for the right reason . U aren’t the guy for me. Also, a stupid part of me wondering if ur testing me.... if this is all to see if I would go out w another guy again... but I know that is ridiculous and not the case I just don’t really understand what happened from me going away until now. I guess again it doesn’t matter. The truth remains the same. I need to heal and find out how to get what I want and what that looks like . Thank u ena community 😚🤗

I am really hoping that I saw the light and will never hear from you again. The sex isn't worth the torture day in and day out. Each day I'm depressed bc I feel like I want more than u can give me and I don't ever feel like what you give is enough. I'm always wanting to change u or see something else. U are childish in that u take what I do and use it against me in a manipulative way to do what u want to do. My feelings don't genuinely matter and if I need u, u aren't there. Regardless of how I ask u aren't there for me and u laugh at me. I dk in what world that is normal, or where seeing someone so little is ok. Not expressing feelings. U can't emotionally connect or be vulnerable and u don't let me do it either. My needs don't matter or get met because you want a one way relationship. I think the best part is that I don't have to care anymore . I don't have to be your doll. I get to find someone else, who wants my humanity. Wanfs me to be happy, wants for me not to hurt and if I do, is loving and supportive of me . Who brings out the best in me. Which you do not do. You make me turn depressed, violent, angry, unsatisfied, unfulfilled, alone and u like it. It's ok to destroy me as long as u get what u want and my needs are totally secondary.

I'm sad, I'm depressed, confused, lonely, angry,disappointed,jealous,curious, distraught.. I want to move on this time. We've broken up many times but this one shows me how little u value commitment . I don't want to be hurt anymore and that is what u do to me, whether it's 2 days or 4, it's a constant pattern and I'm somehow doing something wrong always with these insignificant things.. I can't help thinking how any person could please u or how any person could just know these tiny things that u become upset about yet my larger concerns seem crazy to you. MYbe it was all control and u wanted to push to see how far u could get me to go.. I think I went pretty far. I dk.. none of it matters; I'm lying here alone and sad and u are content,happy, unaffected and living your life so clearly being w me wasn't important for u. Thanks for making me waste money on sumphony tickets.. yeah u tell me it's nothing for u, but I bet none of your past mooching gfs ever did something like that for u... completely unappreciative ass who couldn't even buy me flowers or light candles and broke up w me over how I answer the phone... hope this new one makes u happy , clearly I can't

I'm trying to be more truthful to myself and to my feelings, experiences and prospectives. While it is true, had Alfredo wanted to try I would have left you, when that played out I did invest emotionally into you and I felt us becoming close. I guess I can't blame you if that didn't happen for you. I think the part that's hurting me is thinking that none of it was real and everything was a game. A game of revenge and reciprocation.. we got back together on Monday and you told me you were going to cook and asked me to stay over.. I get wine and u aren't cooking. Not only that , right after we have sex u tell me u have to work and I can't stay. The exact thing u told me not to do which is saying something and not doing it. But u know how to play me like a fiddle so I guilt me into needing to understand and support you. The night ends w u mad at me over something I again think is stupid, me trying to open up to u about sexual things and u thinking it's me trying to make u jealous and it wasn't, was talking about me and us . So then the next day I can't see u because I have work things and stuff to catch up on and honestly I didn't want to seem too available considering that u didn't want me to stay w u after an entire week of being apart . Then I was going to dinner w my bro and told u I couldn't talk so u call me and I abruptly answer saying I won't be by my phone so u break up w me.. bc u were calling to complement me on my new job and I blew u off... but the whole thing is so stupid to me. Clearly u just don't care about me bc something so little causes u to walk away right after u tell me to work through things and not just break up.. regardless of what I thought or what I felt, this is your truth. Maybe I need to realize it's for the best anyways because of how much we fought , how little I felt appreciated and how many steps ahead I always was . This never ends in happiness.

I feel like I'm going thru 2 breakups at once and even tho I'm certainly broken in pieces I know that when I rebuild I'll be exactly the person I've been seeking myselfto be... I'm grateful to have learned that there are crucial things I am being hypocritical about and sabotaging myself with.. I can't run around the city partying, drinking my issues away, flirting, acting like a 21 year old party girl and expect a loyal guy.. and then get mad when he's mad at me. Freak out irrationally bc he's not calling me at the exact hour he said he would. I have inner work to do. I'm grateful for that lesson but it doesn't mean I don't feel the pain of rejection that even tho I'm growing you can't stay w me... because I'm too difficult to be worth being with. If you can't take me at my worst, maybe I never meant that much to you in the first place I dk I've adopted such a new mindset about what I wanted this year that I have given up a lot of emotional fundamentals like being there when ur hits the fan... caring about my emotions and state of being. That's probably why I'm in this predicament. I'm chasing people who check my boxes and falling for their outlines not their content. Then when they don't accept me or feel empathy for me I wonder why? I have so much work to do on myself and for that Enlightenment I feel grateful. But I feel pain for freely and idiotically sharing my deepest emotions and weaknesses with an outline and feeling rejection where they can't even confirm it's over. "In his silence , I took my answer"

I'm tired of men. I'm tired of dating and being heartbroken and giving and giving to be manipulated. Two men who I care for two of them do this to me.. both knowing how much ignoring affects me yet twisting it on me bc I'm easily manipulated. Bc I chose to be a nice girl u have to poop on me. Bc I cared enough to do things for you , put you first and value u sometimes more than me, the only person that matters is you. I'm not doing it again. No more. No more love for someone else before me. I'm the only one looking out for me. I don't deserve how I grew up, I didn't deserve for my dad to constantly make me fight for his approval and never get it. So why am I doing that to myself now ? I'm literally letting someone convince me that ignoring me and my feelings is ok. That it's my fault . That I'm screwed up for wanting love too, after giving love. Both of u have ruined me... thank u

I'm angry today. Angry that the last 2 people I was with both think it's ok to ignore me and won't give me closure. That they both think disrespecting me is ok. I'm angry and hurt and pissed that this keeps happening to me bc I'm confused. What am I doing to warrant this ? Giving ?!? Giving myself to someone honestly means I deserve to be stomped on? Why is this so unfair ? Why am I tormented by this so much when they are going on fine . Why can't I just find someone who is equally invested ? Why is it such a bad thing to place a high importance on finding a partner ?!?!? Isn't that the thing that makes life worth living ? Why is it bad that I don't feel fulfilled bc I am alone ? I'm not saying I need someone but I'm effing tired of being alone. What is so wrong w that? I want to forget u. Both of u don't deserve my thoughts or feelings, you're both a piece of .

In some ways I am happy you aren't responding to me bc I dk that I would stand up for what I want. I worry that I would bend to what u want to make it work. I'm sad and hurt bc I feel deceived. U acted so much like u were on the same page, sometimes even more so. I don't think u deserve to be in my brain distracting me, especially as much as you are. U know how much I hate being ignored and ur doing it. I want to forget u and never let someone in so quickly again. Certainly not bend who I am for them again.

I miss you a little today. It's hard. I wish your assistant didn't contact me. I still know this breakup is best for both of us , but it's making me feel bad about myself because of how badly you treated me. I know u are sitting there thinking the same thing , but I've never let anyone cross the lines w me that u did and I'm not only mad at myself but embarrassed in the situation . I dk how I let this happen to me. I have no problems sending her pics for social media bc I'm happy w ur work the work isn't the problem, I just hate that it makes me think of u and is she showing u? Is she talking about me to you? I doubt she is this is probably just routine standard follow up, but it doesn't make me not think about it bc it's personal to me. Even tho I know it's not to you

"When you're lost and alone and you're sinking like a stone, carry on". I didn't think I would be here again this time, at least not so soon. I believed this time we could get it right and with god between us we could go all the way. This last week revealed to me what life would be like with you and how little you feel towards me. Every single day was spent with other people , your family and even when one group would leave we would go to another. We had 1 night together out of 5 and it was spent going to a movie you wanted to see. When I came home from seeing my friends and we talked, granted I was quite drunk but I remember it being a fairly productive conversation. I was feeling you my feelings about still being unsure where you stood because you say things like " I'm still getting to know you" and there's constantly other girls on your phone who I don't know. It kind of felt like progress and then I can't remember granted I was drunk but it was serious to me and u laughed at me. In my face and then I ended up sleeping in the other room. I woke up confused. Sunday we wee in mass and I kept praying about my mom and also showing me my husband because I'm ready and I want my own family. Then the very next. Day our fighting that lead to you breaking up w me happens I think it's a sign. I didn't enjoy being a step mom every day to your kid and watching how your brother, mother and sister adore their spouses but I am more of an accessory to you. It was embarrassing for me. You don't tell me seeet little things or snuggle with me and pillow talk. You even cancelled our one romantic dinner so we could join your sibling who we've been spending all week with. Our relationship wasn't important, I was just someone for u to bring for your amusement. My feelings were irrelevant, you didn't ask about my mom once. Then when we fought u ignored me making me stay up all night on edge and when I reach out to try to talk in person u say no that u have an appointment, no effort to meet before or after. All the effort is me, team of 1, to fix something so obvious that it was your fault but u blame me and then add in some personal jabs. Take a day of ignoring me to even have the courage to break up w me and then its via text not even on the phone. Without any hint of feeling or care for me , just a sarcastic dear jen letter . All of that shows me and tells me I was nothing but entertainment and convenience to you. I'm embarrassed that I had the feelings I did and that I let someone make my opinion so insignificant. I'm hurting and confused as to how all of it seemed real when none of it was. And afraid I will desperately reach out to you, when I know you don't deserve it and you were awful to me. Out of. Loneliness and missing something that really never existed because the memories I have make it seem like I mattered to you.

I feel broken , foolish and alone. Here I am back in my childhood home to pick up my dog bc of your lies. Right now I should have been in Colombia recovering from surgery.... tbh part of me is really glad it didn't happen bc now I am realizing how little you cared for me. Last night at my friends party I was the only single one.. everyone else is married or engaged and while I felt sad in some ways in so many others I felt happy. That I wasn't tied to a mediocre life. Even tho my parents didn't have it all, they raised me right and I know from this weekend u don't care about me. I'd rather pr someone to do a job then continue hurting over you to have the best person do it. I don't quite understand the point in you pretending w me.... is it a fun backup? As a 45 year old man you'd think you'd be sad to. Be alone, I guess not. I guess all the success keeps you warm. I dk. I feel lousy and confused. Why do u say you will call , u miss me only to ignore my messages, read them and not call? Why not just be honest and tell me you're with someone else or you don't care or. Whatever the truth is ... I think you just honestly believe bc I have money u can treat people however u wish and it is ok. I'm not okay and this isn't ok..... I'll just see someone else for my consult and when I'm healed find someone who will actually give me attention and listen to me since that was way to difficult for you. I'm sick of feeling like I need something from you or to wait for you bc honestly, u don't deserve it and you aren't worth it. So what if I'm a few lbs over weight , exercise and diet can fix that. You're inability to connect cannot be fixed. That also doesn't make me less worthy of love or affection. Whatever the purpose you held in my life, all it is now is disappointment and keeping u does nothing but upset me. I can let go of you and my broken Allergan dreams. There is something better waiting. Farewell

I'm not sure if what I'm doing is healthy... I'm actually quite confused by myself.. while away this weekend it feels like a segment of my life, like this wonderful dream. This piece that only exists when together filled with hope and love and peace. Calmness and security. Like I'm part of something bigger. But when we are apart my brain can't handle it and sabotages me... it's odd bc I do trust u, but today something happened and now I am feeling awful and Confused... we talked in person about talking more while apart and we have been which is great but only 2 days away and I feel so disconnected from that place.. while in it it feels like we are strong enough to be a team on quite literally all levels , building a business together a life a family. Then when apartit feels awkward for u to tell me about struggles I have going on I feel a pinge in my stomach like I don't know what to say and u sound like I'm not saying the right thing and I can sense you're uncomfortable. As usual a rush to get off the phone and then u say see u tomorrow which was confusing for me... so i text u to clarify if ur leaving for sd tomorrow and u say yes and then I ask who u are seeing and u kind of brush that away so I ask if u mean ur seeing me this weekend v u say only if u want and I say yes of course I thought that's why u said see me tomorrow. I feel like it's in my head and I'm sabotaging myself but I don't know how to stop..

Finally thought I had stopped my destruction and found someone who seemingly cared for me... finally officially started dating someone who really all along wasn't a good communicator but now it just hurts more bc we are a couple. Not sure when I'm going to seee him and he does this thing where he ignores my questions and replies w something off topic. Not sure why. Just know I want to scream and hide and just give up on dating. Give up bc it's exhausting give up bc in tired to be willing to pour everything into something and continually be broken down time after time left wondering why? Why am I so disappointed w anyone I choose to date ? Why can't I find my spencer and y can't I love myself enough to get it ? Why is it taking so long and will it ever happen??

Got home to Miami today after 3 weeks... Landing was a bit sad, bc I thought for sure I'd be seeing u when I got back.. also somehow delusionally thought I'd get a message from u bc maybe the reason u ghosted me was bc u wanted to talk in person.. not. It was just bc u don't care and it was easier to ignore me. Maybe now I'll accept that and be able to stop thinking about you every second I'm not focused on work