What you did hurt me. You said sorry as though you had brushed lint off of a strangers jacket. You never looked at me lovingly and told me that you regretted what you did. You called me horrible things and expected I was going to be someone else. You are cruel and arrogant. You are haughty and bitter and you are not truthful. The girl you are with today will be happy because she sees the fake you. The you that has charm and charisma. The you that is fun and alive. You are inside a blank and empty vessel and your appreciation level is insatiable. If you are not the center of the attention, you are empty. You are a peacock - showing your plume but you are not beautiful. I loved you more than I have ever loved anything and you spit on me. You threw me away like trash into a rat infested dumpster. I hate you for what you did to me. I hate the words you used to describe yourself. You are plug and play. No one will ever see the real you until they fall for you and then you become Dr. Jeckle. I hate feeling this way. I hate wearing pain - the parasitical pain that you said that I was. I took nothing from you. I never asked for a thing and now she will be getting all of the good from you - and It was I who deserved it. I didn't deserve your ugliness. But - like I said - for two years she will have the time of her life - you aren't even going to try on a few girls. You will fill your cup with the immediate adoration. you will have fun. you will have fun. and then you will turn into the ugly that you are. I must must must let you out of my head. I must must must stop thinking about you. I want to crush you right now. If i were a man - I would beat the snot out of you for what you did to me. You are a coward. I would love to put on a gi and kick the ever loving crap out of you - and leave you to lay and rot. How can I have loved you so much. How can i have loved you so much to have lost so much of myself. I have never hated anything in my life. Never.
And for all these words - I don't hate you. I must mentally beat you out of my head. And when I have left you to rot, as you have done to me year after year after year, How will I feel. I feel sick. pulling myself out of your entrapment and letting go - I feel sick. I want to explode. i want to release this anger - I have so much anger. I am so badly hurt. I hate what has happened to me. My dreams are gone. My trust is gone. God have mercy on my spirit. Let me out of this internal horror show. My insides are on fire. I don't care about plug and play. I feel sorry for her. Yes - she will have fum for a while - but god help her. I am not angry at her. She is innocent. She hasn't got a clue what he is. He is a Narcissistic Man with Boarderline Personality Traits and he is an abuser. He will shoot you down when he is finished. I read somewhere, that his purpose on earth was to teach women about themselves. I agree. If it wasn't for him, i wouldn't have learned hate. I wouldn't have researched abandonment. I wouldn't have screwed up my son's life either. My poor child has become a bitter and cynical soul. He has amazing set of boundaries - where he got them i don't know. Not from me. I love my child. I hate that I let him see such horror in my marriage. I wanted to leave when he was small but he begged me not to and so I stayed. i should have taken my child out of the situation but I was too scared to be on my own - I was too tired from working so hard and i thought that my husband was going to rescue us. He did provide a lot of wonderful things - it wasn't all bad - but it was bad. I am afraid now again for my future. Will I be able to make it on my own. Yes. Am I really tired of it. Right now yes, but in time - no. I want the nager to go away. I think I need to go find a club to release it. I need to take kick boxing or something. I need to beat it out of me so that I can breathe. I am afraid of hurting myself or others - I am not relaxed. I am angry.
this goes out to the cosmos. It is a rant, a tantrum, a primal scream. Nothing more.