catfeeder

My heart goes out to you, and congrats on walking away. I can only speak for myself, and I understand the desire to seek comfort in viewing oneself as having been taken advantage of--but it's a cold comfort at the expense of my own agency. I've encountered similar situations where I was invested for my own private reasons, as with your investment in the students who benefitted from your efforts, only to have trusted people fail to step up on my behalf as promised. Yet, I refuse to cast myself as victimized, because that would be failing myself in building the confidence that I would gain by learning from my own choices and decisions in the matter. This isn't about 'blame,' which offers me nothing, but rather, a review of my own life skills and a desire to increase those, especially in terms of resilience and responsibility for handling challenges and recognizing the potential fails of others. From there, I can go forward with a confidence I didn't own before, as opposed to viewing myself as being at the mercy of external circumstances and the lousy judgment of others. You can either choose to benefit from this experience, or you can sink yourself by externalizing all responsibility for the outcome. My guess is, you're smart enough to choose wisely. Head high, we all learn through living, and I hope you will soon gain from this opportunity to negotiate huge gains in your earnings and job satisfaction because of this outcome.

It’s not that you can’t leave him, you won’t. Whenever you apply such helplessness to yourself, change the word “can’t” to “won’t” for accuracy and to take your power back. From there you can make a better decision.

With millions of people in the world, there’s no reason to put up with anyone who behaves like this. Raise your standards.

Sounds like the wife is hyper reacting to your relationship with your mother and projecting that onto your belongings. I bet if you brought in placebo luggage and belongings that were never exposed to your Mom’s home, wife would react the same way. Consider staying in a hotel, air B&B, or the home of a nonsmoking relative next time you visit. But don’t tell wife. Then see how she behaves on your return.

I get that. I wouldn't misuse the occasion to make it about me.

No, I would not attempt to misuse an innocent person's milestone as an ultimatum to her parent. Either attend the event at face value for any internal reason you so choose, or decline the invitation for any internal reason you so choose, but don't attempt to leverage your niece's occasion for your own purposes. It's bad form and invites bad consequences.

No, I would never send this. Once you put something in writing, you lose control of how it's perceived, circulated or published. Your feelings and reasons for them are your own, and there is no occasion benefitting an innocent person that is appropriate for grandstanding.Your niece doesn't know about this toxic battle, and she should not be used as an excuse to engage it further. Either attend or don't attend, but focus your reasons as internal and don't spray black paint all over anyone else's milestone.

Yeah, I can appreciate that. I love art festivals, and I'm often wrong about the artist. I hold a bias toward the person who makes eye contact or seems most friendly and willing to discuss the work. In my mind, anyone else is a support person. But it's often the support person who engages me, so I end up meeting the artist after that exchange, and I go through some confusion. Okay, but wait--sometimes there will be someone there who seems a bit busy and uninvolved in the exchange, and this makes me assign THEM as the artist. Or, the artist isn't even present at that moment. So I just try to be open to being taught about the vendors, the artists and their relationships. It's part of the fun for me, but really, I don't intend to offend anyone. I understand. Sometimes showing up is just a placeholder move. Consider challenging yourself to see how fun you can make it rather than sinking your energy down to circling a drain. I've surprised myself with this challenge countless times. Sometimes things are just so bad it's funny. Sometimes I just like making fun of how bad something is, and I end up having the best time I could NEVER have fathomed. Awww, I understand. Didn't you develop a favorable relationship with his grandmother and father? Could you possibly contact one of them to inquire about him? Maybe you could arrange to meet somewhere when one of them has him, and surprise him with a 'chance' meeting? This wonderful boy will always think of you fondly, and you might be able to parlay that into some kind of relationship when he's old enough to make his own decisions. Meanwhile, no matter how you slice this, getting L out of your home was the best outcome regardless of price. I'm so happy your current roommates are working out and helping you to. live a peaceful life. You have earned this. You deserve this.

I agree with this in general, although I do make exceptions for specific elders who are important to me. My relationship with them means more to me than anything else. They are worth shifting my perceptions in the face of some minor discomfort in order to see them enjoy happiness surrounded by full family and without strife. As for anyone else's opinion? It's not on my radar. As long as I have these elders as my guiding light, my focus is fixed, and I am pleased with each outcome and hold no regrets. I don't view a private boycott as having any impact on anyone but me, and it would only amplify my stress rather than serve any other purpose but to upset those who I love the most. So I put my 'lovin' it' cap on, and I credit myself with finding enjoyment in every event that I opt to attend.

I'd make this a 'me' thing rather than a reflection on him. I'd treat him to a nice meal without interruptions, even if that means hiring a sitter, and I'd make this about telling him how much he means to me and how much I appreciate his hard work and all that he does for me and the family. No 'buts' in any attempt to lead this convo anywhere else. Let him soak up your sincere acknowledgment. Let him take the convo wherever he wishes. Learn whether he has any goals, dreams or fantasies of his own. Ask encouraging questions to learn what conditions he believes will help him reach toward any of those aspirations. Ask him whether he'd be open to spending more time together like this. Offer that the two of you can use this time to check in with one another, whether you spend it out on dates or at home. Ask him to plan and arrange the next time you'll spend together. Use that time to build discussions about combining your efforts to work together as a team. Suggest starting with the finances, which you'll begin doing together every month so that you can discuss your shared goals and investments along with any discretionary money you both take for separate savings or spending. Bottom line, build a bridge toward shared interests, then inspire him to further invest himself in managing those. You can also raise you own exhaustion and ask him for his input on how the two of you can resolve it together. 'How' questions are important, because they enliven the rational brain to come up with solutions rather than defend against accusatory statements.

Yes, but make it only one prong of a multi-prong approach to meeting people in various ways. And yes, your profile also should be filled out and reflect who you are. The goal isn't to appeal to the masses, it's to match with ONE person who will own the vision to see you through the right lens. That's the person you want to meet, even if it means meeting many potential partners for quick meets for coffee until you meet the right one. Combine your efforts with any number of sites. Recognize that just about every man out there send a 'Hi' message to every possible woman, so say something beyond that in order to stand out, but keep it short. Mass marketing is great for selling a product to many buyers. That's not your goal. You're merely out to connect with potential matches who, themselves, may be 'average' in looks but spectacular in everything that makes her looks more beautiful to you. Women 'get' that phenomena, and while we don't limit our reach to only men who look like fashion models, saying nothing but the word 'Hi' isn't likely to inspire anybody. Head high, and combine online dating with meetup.org and other avenues of meeting potential matches in person.

No worries, your'e still there. Whatever training you've done with her deserves a followup. Stop by for a check-in to learn whether everything you've covered with her has been tested and works well for her. If there are pieces she hasn't had a chance to test yet, set up a time to revisit, or schedule a time to cover new ground she'll need to learn. Regardless, even if all is well and there's no need to meet again, use this opportunity to tell her that you've enjoyed working with her, and you'd like to reach out to her again before you leave. Ask for her number. Do this before expecting her to just show up on her own for any team drinks. If it's tomorrow night, confirm that she's going, and ask for her number to check in before you leave so that she can go with you.

I view showers and weddings and the like as being about representing my own wishes for the bridal couple or the parents-to-be. I won't contaminate that with any turbulence with anyone else. I'd also factor in any elders who are invested in the beneficiary of the event. If I punk out over a grudge with others, I wouldn't expect them to understand that and think well of me for it. There is no 'wrong' answer, I simply speak for myself. I've showered many a couple or baby even while I'm not thrilled with their parent or other family member. I simply avoid them because this is between me and the beneficiary, and nobody else. Head high, and focus on the beneficiary in a way that doesn't allow any side 'stuff' to interfere. You'll thank yourself for your own integrity.

Yes, I understand. the problem with telling a rebounder that you fear that he's rebounding. It's that they, themselves, can't see it. So it's up to each of us to look out for ourselves and become the sane person within an insane situation. This doesn't mean that the guy is a villain, he just has tunnel vision when it comes to his own comfort and his own desired outcomes. The problem there is a blind spot, where he gets exactly what he desires in the moment, only to recognize later that he missed a spot. He's already told you that he wishes he met you later. There's a reason for that, and it doesn't make him a bad guy. But rather than have a discussion that seeks for him to answer correctly and tow the 'right' line in your estimation, the problem with that is that he'll certainly do that--only to discover LATER that it's not the right line for him. This is the issue with rebounders. They own no foresight. This doesn't mean that they're stupid or manipulative, it only means that you're the one with ownership of foresight, despite that what you see runs counter to what you wish were true. So the discussion I'd have is not one of seeking reassurance, because it's not his to give at this time. He can't see what you see. So I'd rather pave the way toward a future outcome that benefits both of us rather than rely on the faulty judgement of a destabilized person. I'd tell him that I can appreciate how and why this is a destabilizing time for him, and I'd like to give him some breathing room to navigate his new need to find stability with his visitation with his children in addition to stability on his own, without his ex's involvement in his life. And so, I'm crediting him with the ability to work through this turbulence, and once he does that, and he feels secure in his solo relationship with his children, he's welcome to reach out to let me know. In the meantime, I'm pulling for him, even while I also heard him when he expressed a wish to have met me at a later time. So, I'm offering him the ability to do that, and I trust him to appreciate that and do his best with it for the sake of all involved.

Therapy isn't like a car wash where you come out the other side all clean and renewed. It's messy, and most people suffer lots of fails in trying to apply what they've learned to real life outside the therapist's office. I'd view this man's attempt to keep you on ice for the 'someday' when he feels all clean and renewed is just that--an attempt to manipulate you in service of a fantasy. While I wouldn't be punitive about it, you have other options that fall in between telling him he's had his chance, too bad, and putting your own life on hold to wait for a fantasy. I would NOT reach out to him, but if he contacted me again, I'd tell him that I appreciate him recognizing that he took me for granted, but it's something I won't allow anymore. I've moved forward, and I'll continue to do so. If he's ever in my area and wants to reach out, if I'm still single, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best. That would be my last communication, but meanwhile, I'd be out dating other men. Head high, we all learn from living.

I get that she's the one who broke up. That's why she felt in control when he visited. Now that he's told her he's involved with you, as you've stated, her reaction is understandable, she now wants distance. And so, I'm pointing out that this is the natural time of destabilization with BF's visitation that naturally would have occurred at the outset of their breakup had they not settled into this comfy sharing of 'the family home' with her present for his visits. This is the destabilizing time in a breakup where people warn about 'rebounding'. A rebound is when a destabilized person leans into a new relationship rather than working through their grief alone and learning how to stabilize solo. BF has never had that. He was able to move his belongings somewhere else and continue his 'family time' with his children AND his ex. Consider doing a bit of research on rebounding, as it's a real thing. The most predictable outcome is that the new relationship is fabulous--the perfect bandage for the wound. However, in time, the rebounder heals to a certain degree and then ends up making a rather typical speech, which sincerely sings the praises of the new partner, even while the breakup needs to happen, because "I wish I could have met you a year from now, because I really should have taken the time to be alone and single for a while to find myself..." Is this the outcome any of us would want for you? No, and none of us have a crystal ball for predicting it, so there is that. But rebounders rarely recognize that they are rebounding--it hits them later, after they've healed to a degree that they recognize that they've leapfrogged. In most cases destabilization is instant because the breakup is instant--and clean. But in BF's case, he continued a pseudo-relationship with his ex in the comfort of his family home, and only now that that's disrupted will he need to deal with real separation. So the question for you becomes, do I want to risk being the casualty of this destabilizing time in this man's life? This doesn't mean, "Quick! Ditch him!" but rather, it can mean explaining why you'll want to pull back a bit and allow him time to stabilize solo while he figures out his new visitation patterns with his children. I can tell you're all in with this man, and I don't suggest that there's anything 'wrong' with that. But if your goal is to help this man even while looking out for your own best interests, you may want to avoid 'leaning in' at a pivotal time for this man when some solo work could help him gain the solo footing you'll both be able to trust going forward. Head high, and congrAts on finding a wonderful man.

There are no judges or juries on your love life, so it's not 'too harsh' to walk away. It's self preservation, not punitive. The guy doesn't need to be a villain to have proven himself to be untrustworthy. Regardless of whether he was somehow not seeking an opportunity to cheat, his intentions were questionable, and his judgment is inexplicably lousy. So can you trust him again? Even if you want to credit him with mere naïveté, how can you trust a partner with such horrible judgment? Wouldn't you find it an exhausting disappointment to feel a need to parent this guy through adulthood because you can't trust his decision making abilities? My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry he did this, and you deserve better.

These ^^^ would be the important questions I'd ask myself. What we don't know is, are these your fertility years and you envision marriage and children of your own in your future? If so, it sounds as though you're likely barking up the wrong tree. On the other hand, if you're past fertility and don't envision marriage for yourself, then you may be more equipped to continue sharing this man with his teenage children, and possibly his ex. It sounds as though, up until now, his visitation has been involving his ex at their family home. This may have been comfortable and even enjoyable for both of them while she was under the impression that he was continuing to audition for their return to a 23 year status quo. But now that he's told her about his involvement with you, she's suddenly putting the breaks on their 'contact,' and he'll need to learn whether visitation with his kids outside of the comfy family home is something he'll want to adjust to. So you get to decide whether you're up for the risk of being a casualty should that not work well for him.

I think you missed the key word "not," above, regarding "to be happy..." I don't think Emerson had anything against happiness as a by-product of being useful, honorable, compassionate and making a difference in the world, but the pursuit of happiness itself is not what he regarded as the purpose of life, which is "living well" enough to leave a legacy behind in those to whom you have made "some difference". As for being yourself in the world, this would require us to learn who we are "in the world" by operating within it. That would be in direct conflict with hiding from the world behind video games. His warning about conformity may have had to do with his controversial positions against religiosity and dogma.

You don’t need to break up to get out of that house. Move to your own place, tell her that’s not negotiable, and it’s up to her whether she wants to date you or not. Her debts and cats are her own to manage, and that’s your answer to why you can afford to live elsewhere without her. If she’s able to manage those things without bringing them to your door, then she’s welcome to move in with you. Then let the chips fall, and it’s no longer your problem.

By the time you're ready to throw someone away, you have zero to lose by telling them exactly WHY and giving them the chance to correct it.

What a wonderful outcome, RR, and thank you for posting this. I've often said of some of the most difficult people I've ever met, over whom I've kept wracking myself to muster the patience to manage my own temper, "Well, they may not understand now, but they'll understand later." And I really believe that at some point, maybe even upon death, even the strongest of most stubborn egos will give way and open up to some profound and universal truths. When we are dealing personality-to-personality, that can often mean friction. But when we deal with from the place which enlivens us, we are dealing with our highest intelligence. That intelligence can see beyond the personality straight through to the same intelligence that enlivens everyone. I'm so glad you were able to find that in your Mom and you were recognized by her as well.

Before I'd have a talk, I'd try out a popular child psychology technique. I would compliment her with how happy I am that we've become friends. When I think back to the time we met, I was so impressed with what a great listener she is. I would love it if more of our friends could experience that special skill she has. I'd leave it there with the compliment and learn over time whether she opts to demonstrate better listening. I'd rinse and repeat saying similar things to see if she responds favorably.

Go visit your family and stop pretzeling yourself around appeasing someone who is a manipulative bottomless pit. When you're in the presence of your family and old friends you will feel yourself normalize, and you'll have a whole new perspective about the sickness of this relationship and how you'll want to handle it.

What you see is what you get. Is this really the whole package you'd want to marry into for the rest of your life? You're young enough to find better. Don't waste your best years on a family that is hostile toward you.