catfeeder

I understand. In my case, if his profile is blank, I won't be interacting with him one-on-one unless he happens to step up in the grocery store. 🙂

Yep, I watch a lot of Forensic Files, so that occurred to me. Even if that's not the case, why create an enemy, which creates a need to look over your shoulder all the time? If I were to run into the AP at a grocery store, and I've made no threats and I didn't attempt to harm him, he's become a nit I can swat away rather than a monster who might slash my tires in the parking lot.

When I enter a new job, my goal is to get along with my teammates rather than pit myself as an adversary. So if someone has been in their role even a week ahead of me, they're my lead. And I tell them where I'm going when I step away from my desk so that they can speak for me intelligently if anyone asks for me. It sounds as though you're intent on pitting yourself against this guy because maybe he's not the nicest guy, and you resent him. If you want to do that, it's not against the law, but as you've noticed, it creates unnecessary friction and will continue to make your work life hellish. Your choice, your consequences.

Not sure where you got that, because it usually happens when I'm by myself. Shopping, or whatnot. The point is, I guess some people are more visually attracted, while some of us are more about how a person thinks. With OLD, it's the profile that shows me that. I've been pleasantly surprised when I meet a person who looks entirely better than their photo. Even with people I'm not dating--I know perfectly beautiful people who look not-so-much in their SM photos. I'm not advocating for OLD in place of IRL My point is simply that IF you're going to invest the time to work with OLD, do it well, or it's a waste of your time and you'll end up on here crowing about the evils of OLD. It's a tool, like anything else--use it wisely.

You either want to step up and consult the best possible representation, or you don't. If you're not going to look out for yourself, who will?

Congrats! That's a big accomplishment. Try focusing on what it took for you to do that, and guide your mind into that kind of productivity. Head high!

I second this. I've had to walk away from someone I loved, even though he didn't manipulate me to make my world very small in spite of his problems. But my world just started getting smaller anyway, and I had to decide whether to allow someone else to take me down with him. You can't fix this for her, she needs to do it on her own, and you may not want to hear this, but you are enabling her problem. That's not helpful to her. Consider telling her that she's welcome to contact you if she ever reaches a point where she feels willing and able to pursue a healthy social life, and if you're available at that time, maybe you can meet to catch up. But in the meantime, you wish the best for her and hope she will pursue intensive treatment to help herself.

I dunno, IRL, conversation is usually the first thing that happens with me, often before I've even gotten a look at the person speaking to me. Somebody will just make an offhand comment about something they find funny, and I might build on that, and along the way we'll have gotten a better glance at one another. I'm not generally looking around for someone to go saddle up to in order to squeeze the cucumbers near them and make such comments. Whether he's cased the place to choose me to speak with wouldn't be something I'm aware of. So that's the difference between real life and OLD for me. Online I'm deliberately selecting a person to converse with, while IRL it's just opportunity colliding with a sense of humor.

Contact an attorney or legal aid about her interference with your child visitation.

Yep. If someone can't even be bothered with their own profile, how much effort will they put into dating?

I'd give him whatever notice is in your contract and evict him.

Thank you for updating us, KU. While I'm sorry for the outcome and the pain you went through to reach it, I'm glad to hear that you are doing well. Wishing you peace and happiness.

I'd leave it alone for now. Too soon. I just had a great night with some girlfriends. We all did the 'got home safely, great time!' texts, but nobody launched straight into planning the next get together. We were tired last night, and we are tired today. Just let it go... you have plenty of time to invite her out down the road.

He doesn't want you to say what upsets you, he wants you to say you're done. You don't need to travel to him to do that.

My heart goes out to you, and I can appreciate that you're hurting. I can only speak for myself. If I were to reach a point where I'm miserable enough to behave like a detective to measure and document a case against my partner, then I'm already done. Just done.

One of the most important things I have learned in terms of handling job stresses is that the workplace is not a therapeutic environment. This sets the proper expectations of others at work and has served me well.

Most places won’t admit wrongdoing because it positions them badly in legal matters. It doesn’t mean they don’t know better, but their actions will not reflect this.

Okay, and it's not likely that he responded well to this. I think he's done, honey. So the question becomes, when will you be willing to let go?

Sounds as though he's either tired of being tethered to the phone, or he's tired of the relationship altogether. How is he when you see him?

There's no way that I'd put up with this for a second. Nobody has the right to discard ANYthing of mine or to yell at me like I'm some idiot. I'd have gathered my things, loaded them into my car, and headed off to a hotel to set up an appointment with an attorney. The woman is a raving hypochondriac. You get to decide how much of your life you're willing to allow to be made a perfect hell. That's up to you, because this woman is not going to change, and you have your whole future ahead of you to build as you see fit.

Yep. Send a gift and be done with it.

I'd stop keeping my confusion to myself and share it with her. Right away, not after she shows up in September. I'd want to open this door of discussion long before I position myself for a month of anticipation and pressure to keep my mouth shut about the most important things that bother me NOW. If the relationship is worth its salt, the two of you can be open, honest and caring about every aspect of your connection. Speaking of future plans and goals makes no sense when you're not even certain that this can ever even become an intimate relationship.

Yes! This is a perfect way to frame this for yourself, OP. You made your own decision to stay there, and you did it for those kids. The people who failed you can be irrelevant to this, and you own the pride of your contribution to the children who benefitted from your decision. Use that pride as your confidence to negotiate a better position for yourself, and you will thank yourself later.

We can't impose boundaries on another person, we can only raise them for ourselves and what we are willing to tolerate from another before it's time to walk away. So if you have boundaries, then use them. You're not going to change this person.

How many of the actual events of neglect or abuse have you documented, including audio recordings or video? Do you intend to move out of this place, or will you stir up a hornet's nest and continue to live with the consequences? How well have you researched CPS in your area, and would you be certain that, should this child be taken into their custody, the outcome would be beneficial to the child rather than causing her more hardship and possible abuse through a foster care system? I'd be careful about how much of my intended efforts are provable with an outcome that will be clearly in the best interests of the child versus my own irritation with this parent, because once a bureaucratic agency is involved, all outcomes are dependent on the skills and abilities of that agency to improve the life of the child rather than expose the child to potentially abusive foster situations and psychological damage to the child.