catfeeder

While I agree with this, I'd stop telling the story. Don't feed the beast. It would have sufficed to say, "Covid impacts on the business." You've taken every responsible action toward moving yourself FORward and away from an emotional investment in gnawing an old bone. You've trimmed your resignation down to a liberating statement that requires no more involvement with this company beyond transitioning your project knowledge. It's up to them whether to take you up on that, or not. If not, walk free. If so, stop indulging your peers and step up to model a graceful exit. Each of them can opt to do the same for themselves, or they can keep playing in the toxic sandbox that you've chosen to exit. One reason that it's customary to withhold information about your next move is because the gossip vine is treacherous. It can backfire on you if you cater to it. Use the right lens to view it that way, and you will thank yourself later. Head high, and enjOy this time. I'm certainly enjoying it for you! And BTW--no, you would NOT have been deflated by the turndown of Job 2, because ... Brooklyn. 🙂

It's customary to delay answering such questions--from ANYone--until you are settled in the new position, so don't feel pressured into saying anything beyond, "I'll be happy to let you know when the time is right.

CongrAts, Jibralta! Well deserved!

Yep. People in customer or vendor facing positions have been taught that these relationships are important. Some go a bit overboard in catering to these relationships in the hope that good feedback will reach their bosses. I don't say this to discourage, but rather to remind you that these relationships ARE important, and there's nothing to be confused about in that regard. If you want to float such a comment as suggested by Lost, Pay Attention to the response. If it's not overtly encouraging, then hang it up and get back to business.

Hello Luv! Try considering each of these pulls as confirmation of your value. Then place your focus wherever you see fit at any given moment, and enjOy. In your corner! Cat

Hello, Luv. I wouldn't take it on myself to address the pressures of anyone else, since this is a learning experience for each of you. While it's a pressure valve to vent to others, it's also a burden to involve yourself with their stuff. You have your own. Focus there, resolve YOURS the best you can, and stay in the mindset that this is only temporary. Hang in there! We are with you, Cat

Oh, I sooo understand. I've found it helpful to stop measuring my successes externally, and I take them privately, instead. I set myself a bunch of little milestones and carrots for rewarding myself as I complete certain things. From there, whoever notices or doesn't becomes irrelevant as I meet my own goals and rewards. I started doing this when I was a consultant to avoid seeking approval. Instead, I'd rock my own world, and whenever I landed an external payoff, it was like icing on my cake instead of something I longed for. So glad the interviews are opening your vision and inspiring you! Keep the faith, dearest J! Cat

Yep. I get it. Sometimes I ruminate just to reach my own exhaustion with the puzzle, but most especially when the problem has 'appeared' to work against my favor. It's only later that I recognize that my sacrificial 'loss' was actually THE important signal to take my first step toward gaining my own 'WIN' in a different way. While it can be excruciatingly frustrating whenever I can't save stupidity from itself, this has been the experience that inspired my sig in this forum. Sometimes the real lesson for me has been the futility of trying to bend people to my vision of what is right for all, when the real solution is pulling back to allow for others to show me how well they will sink or swim without my influence. I've been pleasantly surprised many times by how well my peers have been able to navigate the slings and arrows of bad bosses of their own accord--often in ways that have taught me a thing or two. My intentions have always been in the right place, but when those run counter to the needs of others to take the long road and the hard way toward outcomes that will best teach THEM, then my railing against that is only a minor gnat to their bigger agenda. It's not that I've been victimized by unfairness, but rather, I've been offered opportunities to observe how well I can navigate the 'bad boss' experience toward my overall gain AND how well I can support others while they do the same. Once I flip that script and see my participation with a broader lens, my fears fly out the window and I'm able to fully immerse myself in enjOying the ride while my days are numbered. I hope the same for you, and keep going! You 'do you,' because you are FABulous! PS: I like to picture bad bosses with those People Magazine black boxes over their faces and captions that say, "Do NOT wear this management style!!!!"

Well done, Jibralta. I'm in north Jersey, too. While I 'do' Brooklyn for occasional business, there's no way that I'd make that trek every day except for a temporary--and wealth-making--opportunity. I think job location will likely rise to the top of your list of questions to ask in first interviews, ay? Having lots of irons in the fire can help us to learn what to value in the eventual choices we make. It can also take the pressure out of your cooker in your current job. Instead of chomping at the bit to get out of there, you can opt to reverse that focus and view the current stint as an enjoyable placeholder. After all, you don't have the same imagined stakes in preventing your bosses from hanging themselves--and, so what if they try to scapegoat you anymore? They've already dealt you a blow that CAN remove any and all fear of repercussions going forward. So, now, you can just do your job to the degree that it best suits YOU, and without policing your bosses or anyone else. EnjOy that much, and you're golden no matter when you end up making a switch. Fingers crossed, and rooting for you! Cat

It's probably more common than not to want someone we can't have, especially when it's your first relationship. I'm not one who believes in trying to pound the hope out of yourself in a futile attempt to convince yourself that you don't want what you want. Instead, I'd shoot for moving my hope onto a back burner as my motivation to move myself forward. Nobody wants to return to the same exact relationship with the exact same person they opted to walk away from. So, if the two of you were really a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, in order to start something completely new. The only way to appeal to him then would be to have moved yourself forward into a person who has thrived without him. If anything would attract him back, it would be that--not desperation. So? The only way to reach your own higher ground is to drop the rumination in order to focus on your own growth, health, self development, social life, career and finding an interest to become passionate about. The more you pursue these areas of health, the more irrelevant the guy will become. From there, you'll get a win/win, because if the guy comes back you'll be better equipped to handle him, and if he doesn't, you'll have moved yourself forward into health. Either way, you win. Head high, and make it a goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this. You will thank yourself later.

I get that, but you're missing the point. Decide what you WANT. If you want to dwell on the tattoo, you can do that--it's not against the law. It's just going to sabotage whatever else you might really want, unless making yourself miserable serves you in some way. If you want a fresh start with wife, then give that to her AND you. Picture the state you were in when you'd lost her, and decide whether you want to go back there, or whether you were sincere in your inner declaration that you'd give anything to have another shot with her. Giving 'anything' means giving UP using the stuff that she can't change at this moment as a weapon. This doesn't preclude you from working out with a counsellor the issues that caused your split. But if you're going to hold yourself hostage to misery, then be honest with yourself about that. Get the kind of clarity about What You Want that nobody on this forum can give you, then shoot straight for that--and let nothing else get in your way. Otherwise, you're answering your own question. No, it can't work.

You get to decide whether to view it as symbolizing a second chance, or you can grind it into a grudge and sabotage that chance. It's not about what 'we' say, it's up to you.

Sure, or get in the shower first, then invite him. Hey, if YOU are not in the mood for a shower upon awakening, they why is it okay to demand that he 'should' be?

Showering once a day is reasonable. Expecting more than that is ... a barrier. I can understand not kissing morning breath or not wanting to go down on him if he smells ripe. So can't you just avoid either of those acts while incorporating other sex in the morning? Do the rest at better times, but don't kill the morning boner by parenting him into the shower. Free your mind...

Consider which is more important to you: the tattoo, or an opportunity to try again with your wife.

This is how you can stumble across the things that inspires you to push on occasion, only it will be selective and voluntary rather than a constant state of being. I like to call it 'puttering,' and it's one of my favorite things. EnjOy!

Big congrAts, Lost! My best start in the morning is to throw myself straight outside for a long and fast walk throughout my neighborhood. This beats an indoor workout, which I pursue later, because of the fresh air and sense of community with my neighbors. While walking your property can provide the air and beauty side, there's something special about taking it to streets or a park to share the energies of the people who are doing the same thing. This also gives you a platform for planning your day ahead, even while it raises the energy to get stuff done. Another great pursuit might be joining the fundraiser side of your favorite local charities or civic groups. It expands your scope beyond the group itself into your community and learning the needs and issues and proposed solutions from voices not always heard through normal channels. Two of my favorites: 'Roots and Wings,' a local group that supports youth that has aged-out of foster care, and 'Strengthen our Sisters (SOS)' a group that safe-houses abused women. Getting involved in local politics can also help you become part of solutions you would like to see or expand.

Yeah, it makes no sense to say to a liar, "I just want you to lie and say that you'll be honest with me." Sure, that's pretty easy for a liar to do--but where do you expect it to lead you?

I'd raise my bar on friendship. When you strip everything else down, the only thing any of us can offer to another is our word. If you can't trust that about a person, what's left?

Sorry you're going through this, Jibralta. Since you are already journaling, you might consider channeling that writing into something preventative--meeting notes that you send via email to clarify a given manager's position. This practice has protected me on every project during 20+ years of consulting with various incompetent or unethical bosses, and it only takes minutes to COA. ----- Hello ____, Just a note to summarize our discussion this morning and to clarify my next steps on the issue of ___ on the ___ account. I presented the following issue: ______ I offered the following options: 1) ____, which has the advantage of ____, but I voiced concerns about ____. 2) ____, which may not be as advantageous in terms of ___, but it addresses my concerns about ____. You've approved Option 1 and view possible negative outcomes as negligible. So, as discussed, I have begun our work on this option, and I will keep you apprised. Thanks, Jibralta. ----- Anything that hits the fan afterward is less likely to bring you trouble, because the manager is aware that you've documented it prior. However, if he or she needs a reminder after coming out sideways on you, you can forward the email with the timestamp, and cc anyone else involved in the admonishment. This professionalism tends to warn people that they can't set you up, so they tend to avoid targeting you as a scapegoat. Once you put stuff in writing, your emotions will find better stuff to focus on. Head high.

Just checking in to wish you, your nephew and your brother well, Bolt. Thinking of you since I read one of your posts yesterday. (((Holding you in my heart.))) Cat

The idea behind walking away isn't to throw him away, it's to preserve any future potential by allowing him to stabilize on his own. From there you'll learn whether he'll want to pursue a commitment with you when he's ready, in which case you can trust that he's fully IN. Isn't that preferable to hanging on only to doubt that the reason he's still with you may be that he invested prematurely, and once he started to doubt his course, he ended up sticking around for the time being just to avoid hurting you? I see people above debating the calendar rules after divorce, but the reason I raised backing off to avoid positioning yourself badly as a rebound is this: That's the place he needs to live through--enjoying being single--before both of you can fully trust his investment in you as a valid choice beyond leapfrogging from one commitment to the next. This isn't about you deciding whether you can trust his judgment, it's about HIM being able to trust his own judgment. That's not something we can manipulate into another by sticking around and hanging on. Head high, and read my sig.

Separated is still married. He's not even dating material, much less relationship material. I'd tell him that I adore him, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If he's interested in pursuing a committed relationship with me after he's stabilized in 6 months to a year after his divorce is finalized, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best. It makes no sense to set yourself up as a rebound. You'll only see worse than a wobble at some point; you'll get a speech about how terrific you are, but he really should have invested in stabilizing in his single life before getting involved with you, and that's what he needs to do now in order to 'find himself.' Skip that, remedy the bad timing, and trust that if the two of you are really a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground in the future. If not, you're allowing life to teach you your answers and you'll be better prepared to screen men more carefully as you move forward. head high.

Yes! You've noticed the difference between holding a view of yourself as someone who is damaged and perpetually in future need of repair versus someone who's handling imperfections just as well or even better than everyone else. Your inner dialog is the most important and foundational thing to address, because it impacts your perceptions about everything else. When you can catch your critical default voice and switch it to the voice of an empowering coach, you will talk yourself into viewing everything external in more neutral, if not more inspiring ways. It's been a life changer for me. Adding humor has been my own best neutralizer of slings and arrows. A cranky boss will have me cracking an inner joke about HIS misery rather than absorbing his mood as a reflection on ME. I'm no longer quick to pile anyone else's negativity to my own plate--they can keep it. My own focus remains cheerful and I continually tell myself little helpers, such as "I've got this..." or "I can do this..." throughout my day. I start my mornings with a decision about the kind of day I WANT to have, and this sets my intention that nobody else can penetrate. This doesn't mean I'm never rattled, but my recovery is pretty automatic because my ~habit~ of self talk steers me in the right direction instead of drilling a deeper hole for myself. Consider adopting your therapist's encouragement that you're doing better than you might imagine. There's value in viewing your feelings not as something that happens 'to' you, but rather something you're in charge of managing. From there, you can credit yourself for owning resilience as a life skill rather than always pitting yourself 'against' an intangible threat to your happiness.

Never heard of her. She may not have credentials, but if you find her to be an appealing 'life coach,' then no harm in engaging in the free material. How much would be the layout for such a course? The main benefits of in-person therapy are professional diagnosis and monitoring, keeping you accountable, and it's subsidized by insurance. There's nothing 'wrong' with adding additional methods of self help. They can offer creative ways to make changes, but then, reporting those to a therapist who knows how to orchestrate the best overall and lasting outcomes is ideal. One good combo plate of self development AND counseling is to take courses at your local college. Your tuition covers mental health counseling on campus, and if you turn out to be in deeper waters than the counselor can manage, she or he can refer you to the right specialist.