catfeeder

FWB's need to end somehow. They're cool and casual until they are not.

Dreams are whispers into our own ear. You may be trying to distract yourself from taking a leap into the permanence of marriage.

I'd stop catering and let her get upset about whatever she wants to get upset about. That's your tool for negotiation. If she wants 'x' from you, she can make a fair trade of giving you 'y,' and if she doesn't want to do that, she doesn't get 'x'. That's just basic stuff. Successful couples negotiate all the time. If she won't work with you on the most basic stuff, then what should that tell you? Either she's in this with you, or you're in it by yourself. In that case, I'd start writing my own rules, and if she doesn't 'like' it, she can rent a room at another hotel.

Right, this is a key question. Are you feeling lousy because you need to tell him you can't do his homecoming?

The key word here is 'repulsed'. In my book, that's a dealbreaker. This woman deserves love from someone who never--not even sometimes--considers her repulsive. Whether that's about her nose or jaw is irrelevant. This doesn't make anyone a villain, it's just a bad match, and attempts to convert it into a good match deprive both people of time that they will never get back to relive again as a do-over.

Yes. Learn the answers to your concerns ahead of time, and you'll be better able to make an informed choice.

This is your answer, and so it's up to you whether you want to continue your investment in trying to convert this guy into more than that. Personally, I'd read that writing on the wall and spend less time with him, more time investing in finding the right kind of relationship for me. This guy is not that, and you'll feel this more acutely once he finds a lover to spend more time with. This doesn't speak of anything undesirable in you, but rather, it speaks of his limited vision, which you cannot change. Head high, and write more if helps.

You're not an employee, you're a contractor. That's your ticket to try out any assignments you please. If you opt for the more advantageous role, quietly let negotiations play out until you have a firm offer and start date. From there, you can inform the current company that you've been called for a project that's been in the works, and you hope to be considered for a return after it's completion. Either your relationship with current company and its need for your skill set will align for this return, or not. Speaking only for myself after 20+ years of contracting, I'd let the chips fall on that and pursue the more challenging, better paying role.

My heart goes out to you. A bigger problem than having our own personal sentence to a condition is to expect a loved one to respond as we would wish to that condition. We can't manage another's response. So, you have choices to make. How well can you shield partner from your condition rather than laying it on him and expecting him to adopt the role of a compassionate therapist? If you cannot shield partner, what other options for a new living situation can you come up with? We cannot force another to understand what they do not understand or to respond in ways that they do not wish to respond. So consider what resources you can tap or whatever else you can do for yourself beyond your dependency on your partner. Head high, and write more if it helps.

I would consider seeking legal advice to learn my best options to protect my assets and protect myself from any debt that is not mine. I'd also learn best way to either evict GF from the home or leave the home. This doesn't mean that you 'must' do any of these things, but learning your options is your best bet. GF sounds 'done' with hiding that she's checked out of the relationship, and I'm so sorry you're suffering this.

There's a difference between being deliberately strung along versus selecting someone who is unsuitable and not ready for the kind of relationship you want and deserve. My gut would tell me that any need to 'hide' me is the wrong situation for me. This doesn't speak badly about this man's wish to appease both you and his children, but rather, he's not in the right position to date. Period. I'd tell the guy that I like him and hope we might date in the future, but for now I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. He can work out his issues with his kids in his own time, and if he's ever in a more favorable position for dating he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. This leaves your door open even while it frees you to find someone more suitable. Head high, and write more if it helps.

We each get to choose our own limits, and yours are never wrong for you. Good job, and I hope your next investment works out better.

If you find yourself always walking a tight rope or a mine field to determine whether someone is having a good day or a bad day, then they are not your 'partner,' they are your adversary. I'd get out of that mess, quickly. Nobody 'must' be the villain or the AH. Some people are just mentally ill or otherwise not capable of participating in a relationship in any kind of healthy way. You can cater, you can strive, you can do your own 'healing,' but unless and until you recognize that some people are best loved from far away, you are spinning your wheels. You can't heal another. It's not even helpful to either of you for you to try. He's lost respect for you and takes you for granted, which is why he can run right over you whenever he feels like it, and you put up with that, which means it will only keep happening--regardless of what you 'say'. I'd take the quickest exit, and if your therapist hasn't recommended this or isn't on board to help you do this, then I'd hire a new therapist while you are at it. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Here is your answer. Even if you can manipulate her back, that would just be setting yourself up for the same breakup, different day. If the woman ever decides that she made a mistake and DOES see a future with you, she'll have no problem letting you know this, regardless of how you reacted to the breakup. Rather than trying to squelch any hope of that (if that's even possible) I'd put it on my back burner as a comfort while I move forward with my own self development to build a future for myself that I can be proud of. That's a win/win, because if ex never wants to reconcile you'll have made great strides in healing, and you'll grow confident in your resilience. If she ever does want to reconcile, you'll be better positioned to negotiate that rather than feeling like a one-down sad sap who hovered in grief and never grew from this experience. Head high, and write more if it helps.

You are not required to diagnose or prescribe or announce your readiness--for anything. There is no rule book to break or some judge and jury to sentence you if you make a mistake. You can only decide privately what you WANT to try out and learn from. You are the only one who can experiment with your own process. Nobody else is living your life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote. If you feel happy receiving texts, then receive and respond to them. If you are willing to allow yourself some moments of pleasure in the company of another, then do that, let the chips fall, and then embrace the mixes of emotions afterward as part of your grieving. If those emotions allow you a pass-through to a better place, then consider them part of your healing process. If those emotions lead you to a darker place of suffering, then consider them a signpost that you need more time on your own. From there, you can gently explain this to the new guy, and ask him whether he'd willing to pause and possibly catch up with you at a later time. There are no RULES, only learning as we go. If you sense that you're leading yourself to a better place, go there. If you sense that you're leading yourself to a worse place, stop and take a breather. Head high, we're all in your corner.

The most important thing I needed to learn regarding relationships is that I do NOT need to 'build a case' in order to exit one. You don't need a 'good enough' reason that some imaginary judge and jury would agree with in order to leave a relationship. You are 'allowed' and 'entitled' to choose your own vision of your future as you see fit. A partner does NOT need to be a villain in order to justify leaving a relationship. In fact, you do not need to justify your choice to anyone. It's not only allowed, but common, to outgrow a relationship--even with a perfectly wonderful person. This does not make you a villain, it makes you a human. Most importantly, you do NOT need to 'sell' your partner on the idea of accepting the breakup. That's not your job. Your job has limits, and that's to act in your best interests and trust that in some way, shape or form, this action doubles as also acting in his best long-range interests--and you don't need to be able to define those. Do not make the mistake of operating outside of your scope in order to appease partner or try to soften the blow no matter how much you still love him and wish him well. That's messy, it will backfire, and it's not of any value to either of you. Trust that partner is a grown man, he CAN thrive again if he chooses to do so, and he is perfectly capable of finding resources or reaching out to family or friends if he chooses to do so. HIS capabilities start exactly where you choose to stop catering and start allowing HIM to step up to look out for himself. You are not in charge of another adult, and any remnant of belief that you hold as your responsibility to take that charge is not accurate or helpful to either of you. Head high, and write more if it helps. You CAN do this.

I would caution against this, unless it's to state that you have already left, and you are gone when he reads it. If so, keep that short--as in one or two sentences. I would NOT put any details in writing. Period. There are many reasons for this. Once you put information down in writing, you are no longer in control of the message. You have no idea whether or how it can be used against you in the future. It's a permanent record that can be altered, shared online, copied to a landlord or debtor--or enemy. Emotional stuff in writing can also be used to harm you. You cannot know how it will be interpreted, and a temporary impulse is captured as frozen in time--and while you move forward to heal and may have forgotten some of the points you've written, your ex can be stewing over ONE LINE in the letter and work himself into stalkish or otherwise harmful behavior. Letters offer zero payoff once you've already decided to exit a relationship. They can only be used as ammunition, and there is no point to offering that. Head high, and write HERE if it helps, but keep it off of paper or text messaging.

Glad to hear that you enjoyed your date. I'd keep reminding myself to avoid pursuing outcomes to make OTHERS happy. Go at your own pace, allow yourself to feel what you feel, regardless of whether the emotions are fleeting or stay with you. Trust your gut to avoid voicing the fleeting stuff to invested loved ones. You can vent those here or to someone more neutral than the friends who may be pressuring you. You can choose at any point to put the dating on hold. Just knowing that that's always an option can take some of the pressure out of your cooker. This may allow you to continue, OR, it may be a simple signal that you're not ready. If you opt out of continuing to see the guy at any given moment, even if you do like him a lot, you can explain that your current need to halt may be temporary. Ask if it's okay with him that you contact him down the road when you're feeling more confident, and if he's still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up. No need to burn bridges, but that doesn't mean your door must be completely open like a floodgate. Take your time.

If you're a good customer and tip well, she has a vested interest in you. She may be more astute about that than her coworkers.

Is the shift work voluntary for more pay, or can you opt for another work schedule? Have you considered hiring help with child care? I'd ask wife to give you some clarity about what kind(s) of solution(s) she wants from you that she believes you are not hearing. Gather this information, and maybe we can be of better help.

The most important questions I stop and ask myself whenever someone drops a message on me that I view as hurtful are, "What is the motive behind telling me this? What am I supposed to DO with this information?" These are also the first questions I ask that person directly. When I can work these answers through to see that the message CAN be constructive rather than hurtful, I can credit the motivations as helpful, and I'm a step closer to learning how to accept criticism from the right place. Does this translate to your case? Unfortunately, no. Your partner's motive is to knock your vision of loyalty along with your confidence in that vision--and yourself. And what are you supposed to DO with that information? You can't become 'other people'. So your options are to join HIS vision of your Self as less valuable than others, OR, you can nix that idea and make a plan to not only value your Self, but to rescue yourself. You don't need to voice your plan until you are ready. Your plan can be formed based on best possible inputs from people who are experienced in helping others to rescue themselves--legally, emotionally, physically and socially. For instance, I'd seek legal advice to learn my options in my location for self protection, asset division and the most helpful steps to take to execute any options I may select. I'd also seek an appointment with a counselor at a women's shelter or domestic violence prevention group, or even a counseling referral from the case work department of my local hospital or a clergy member. Point is, you don't have to go through this alone. Just because partner has turned into an abandoning jerk, that doesn't force you to go along with that ride. I'd pacify him until all of my ducks are in a row to dump him and heal. Head high, and write more if it helps.

One of the most important life lessons to grasp early is that people react to circumstances differently. We can't project ourselves into another's shoes to claim that we understand them, or worse, that we can fix them into responding as WE wish. When I encounter someone going through a difficulty, I adopt my most gentle approach to let them know that I care, and I'm available to help--or to back off--whichever they prefer, AND that they can change their mind about their preference at any given time. I'm here. Then I shut up. I listen to them. If their responses is silence, I listen to THAT. I don't try to coax or cajole a different response from them. I might send a card or message or gift, but I won't word it with an expectation of a reply. You get to decide for yourself whether to keep someone in your life who has a coping style that makes you unhappy, OR whether, for your own head, you'll want to pull away. Sometimes pulling away can be temporary. It can be your way of allowing their pull-away to just 'be'. If they change their mind and want to seek you out, you can decide whether you'll want to re-open that bridge. No choice you make for YOUR SELF is wrong. Projecting expectations of another person onto that choice is what will drive you nuts--so don't so that. Head high, and write more if it helps.

This doesn't make you a horrible person, but it makes no sense to deprive this woman of a future with someone who can view her through the right lens to adore her--looks and all. Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's natural odds. We all have unique vision, and true simpatico happens when we and our potential partner BOTH view one another through the right 'love goggles'. Otherwise, we suffer the struggle of trying to fit the wrong puzzle pieces together. Sure, we can trick ourselves for a time, but the overall picture won't come together--ever. So why do that to yourself--and her? Nobody can tell you that a breakup is easy, but the longer you stay, the more 'false' you'll continue to feel, and the more time of your life you'll deprive both of you that you can never get back again to relive for a do-over. Skip that. If you need the help of a therapist to help you through this, then hire one. People have no trouble hiring a plumber to fix pipes or an accountant to handle their money, but when it comes to one of the most important impacts on quality of life, expert help can make all of the difference. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Aww, I understand, but NObody does this. 'Everyone' is too tall of an order, given that everyone owns a unique lens through which they view the world and everyone else. That's why good friends are rare. That's why good lovers are rare. It's not because 'good' people are rare, the majority of people are good. We each just have limits on our focus. It takes a rare chemistry and simpatico with someone who views us through an equally rare lens to stand out as 'meaningful'. Everyone else may be lovely, but transactional. They're fine, even enjoyable while in front of us, but they don't quite make our radar when we're off focusing on our own immediate needs. That's typical, and it doesn't speak badly of you OR the people who are more focused on their own self-interests rather than a loving feeling toward you. Business is, indeed, business. Especially regarding something as important as property. So don't beat yourself up trying to be a star, but rather, trust that you have your own innate and unique value. You'll learn over time how to better synergize that with clients--and the best way to do that is to quit the idea of a 'show' and quietly deliver, instead. Move out of your own way and allow your ego to sink to the back burner while the more intuitive part of your nature asks important questions then goes quiet to actually HEAR and understand your clients. (As opposed to trying to make an impression.) From there, while you may not impress with entertainment value, you'll certainly be appreciated for your keen talent by demonstrating that you've listened carefully and can show properties that contain special details for your clients. Or you'll impress your sellers with your ability to find good matches for their home. Nobody wants a Broadway star when their focus is on something as important to them as their property. People want to be understood and helped. Your ego must recognize this, and it will stop giving you such a difficult time. Meanwhile, relax into Who You Are. You've taken on a mature role to handle at such a young age, and that speaks wonderfully of your intelligence and eventual, if not immediate, capabilities. You'll serve yourself and everyone around you well to adopt the role of a Student who can humbly allow everything and everyone to become Your Teacher. When you're a GOOD student, your rewards will appear over time even while you take your fair share of knocks to keep that ego in its place. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Well said. I second this.