catfeeder

I think you're working way too hard to justify not wanting to see Kevin. Part of maturity is learning how to adopt different kinds and degrees of acquaintanceships or friendships over the course of our lives to meet different needs. Unlike when we were blank slates as kids and could fantasize that one bestie is our EVERYTHING, we solidify into our own personalities, and not everyone will be our cup of tea. So having a tennis friend who's lousy at conversation, and a movie friend who disagrees with our politics and a confidant who hates crowds and won't go to events or parties with us means respecting the limits of each person who adds a little 'something' to our lives and social calendar. So why hold big expectations that a long-term friend will continue to satisfy in all of the ways that they once did? Friendships, just like people, change OR stagnate OR diverge over time. Sometimes they roll back around into new relationships that look nothing like they did before but contain aspects of shared experiences as a comforting base. Rather than fighting with yourself to burn a bridge, just move your focus beyond the guy. If he ever reaches out to see you, indulge in learning whether there are ANY aspects of your shared experiences that might bolster a limited relationship where you visit and reminisce on occasion or do something else that's productive and rewarding. Otherwise, consider that analyzing someone else is often a distraction from focusing on more productive pursuits. It might serve to help us feel holier-than-THAT-one, but what is so important about that?

I would avoid making any decisions or demonstrating any behaviors that will get me into deeper acrimony with husband's family. I'd behave as the most cheerful and satisfied wife and mother for a while, even as I plan a visit home to family. Once I've set up that timeline during my best behavior, I'll be better positioned to negotiate with husband whether he wishes to join me and baby on the visit, or not. If not, I'd take the trip without him. I'd lean into the trip to actually learn whether I'd be much happier back home or not. I'd be willing to make room for 'not'. If not, then it's a win/win, because I'll no longer have a fantasy 'pedestal' of my old life interfering with my current ability to CREATE my happiness where I live now. If I decide based on the trip that home really is where I long to be, I can cross that bridge based on a actual information rather than preconceived ideas. Maybe I can negotiate with family some help with expenses to visit more often to get refreshed, even while I pursue a reinvention of a new life--with new friends, a new job, or whatever else it might take to fulfill me where everyone can get a win? Give REALITY a fair shot and see what you can learn before inventing the highest mountain to overcome.

Yes, yes, YES! I'm sure that Bolt wasn't feeling exactly fabulous even before this incident, and had she operated from a place of defense in a room full judges, she would have amplified rather than minimized the problem. Often, less is more. I try to avoid a mentality that positions me to 'tackle' someone else's perceptions. That can set me up for overkill on something that will evolve into last week's problem--then last year's problem--even as I simply hold my ground on professionalism and competence. Crosshairs tend to move around to multiple people, and for reasons we likely will never know. It's up to us to operate in ways that make that focus on us temporary as opposed to hooking and grabbing that focus and amplifying it with protests and unnecessary drama. Test how well you can 'roll' beyond an unfair incident, and learn whether this might benefit you better than amplifying the incident.

Yep, exactly. It's not about denying reality, but rather adopting resilience as my motivation. I don't operate well if I allow my own inner whiner to drive my perspective. It will never lead me to where I WANT to go. When I can lift myself UP by adopting the behaviors and attitudes of people who I admire, my whole approach to professional challenges ends up surprising me, AND before I know it, I've either resolved a situation OR it has resolved itself without my intervention.

I'd skip this. If I own my own ticket, I'd sell it or give it away. If he owns the tickets, then I'd scrap the idea and make my own plans without factoring him in.

Good topic! Speaking only for myself, the only feasible answer to someone wanting time away IS 'all the time they need' because there's nothing we can say or do to change that outcome. I mean, sure, we can tell them how long we're willing to wait--but wait for what? A reversal of feeling like you don't want to be around me? What's in that wait for me, denial? Telling someone that they are accountable to ME for the amount of time they want away from me is not only counter-productive--it's a false assumption. Other than with legal marriages or domestic partnerships, and all relationships being voluntary, nobody is actually accountable to anyone else who doesn't WISH to be. Any withdraw on that wish is it's own answer, and so it's on US to make our OWN choice as to whether we want to impose a limbo on OUR SELVES, or not. In my case, not. I'm never 'in' something without an equal 'in', but this doesn't mean I'll knee-jerk an instant bridge burn. It's not about saving face, which most people regret the moment they slam a door shut, but rather, it's about seeing beyond dis-illusion-ment and accepting accuracy. If my terms aren't acceptable to another, then backpedaling to reduce my terms and accept whatever scraps are offered to keep someone in my life is its own problem. I'd rather walk away while be both still think highly of one another, and if our paths ever cross on higher ground in the future, then I'll be in a better mental and emotional place to grasp whatever new perspective this might offer. Anything less than that is ...well, not what I want.

Have you identified any pre-requisite courses that you'll need to complete at the bachelor's level first? I'd meet with a dean at a local university to go over my transcripts and learn where my current credits fit as foundational coursework for the grad degree versus what's still missing. There are usually gaps when layering grad school on top of an unrelated degree. From there, I'd consider the cheapest local, online way to attempt those gap courses first. This will teach you several things: how well you can integrate the coursework and how well you LIKE the coursework. Address your gaps first, then make more expensive choices from there.

I'm sorry you're going through this. For my own mental health, I'd consider several things: 1) I'd credit my mother, as a fully grown adult, to choose her own degree of concern and her own choice of arrangement with my father. I'd make an internal pledge to avoid contributing strife for my Mom by raising this issue with her any further--she's given me her answer, and I need to respect it--and HER. 2) What can I do as a member of my Mom's household to make HER life easier and more cheerful? I can bring light to her life, I can be helpful around the house, I can help her with errands and make them fun, I can treat her to girlie time and do stuff with her. 3) I can remind myself that living with my parents beyond graduating high school has been voluntary rather than a sentence. I am free to leave and live wherever I wish--and so nobody OWES me any behaviors that cater to MY definition of morality. 4) I am responsible for developing MY SELF socially, spiritually, financially and creatively. I will not use my upbringing as an excuse or a distraction from moving my focus where it belongs, on THIS. Head high, and move TOWARD something that will make you proud of your resilience and accomplishments rather than opt to stagnate in a focus that is unproductive.

I would never ask someone how much time they need away from me. Especially someone who has never established 'us' as a couple in the first place. The guy didn't give you the answer you wanted in terms of your relationship status, and if I read your post correctly, that's what caused the problem. So instead of adding MORE of a demand for answers from this guy, I'd just move my focus forward on finding myself a better match. If this guy ever comes back around, you can cross that bridge, but if he doesn't, then you will have already made great strides in moving on. Head high, and try to grasp that most people are simply NOT our match. That's natural odds, not a reflection on you or your desirability.

I would avoid approaching this from a 'should' perspective or a defensive push-back position. I'd avoid displaying a victimized mentality in any way. Instead, I'd ask which milestones had triggered the audit. From there, I would ask this manager what 'I' can change about our process to make sure that preliminary drafts or other documents are entered into our system, such as current issues being addressed, to ensure that we are not audited prematurely again. If she suggests actions that are beyond my scope or otherwise out of my hands, I'd ask whether I can schedule her into a meeting with me and those responsible for these actions in order for her suggestion to reach the right people. I would do the OPPOSITE of adopting a surly, cold or shamed demeanor. I'd carry a confident and cheerful attitude around the office as though this just rolled off of me. I'd adopt the assumption that everybody knows of the unfair conditions that exist within management, and I'd demo that I'm well-seasoned enough to just play through regardless of what gets thrown at me. I'd watch to learn who gets targeted next, but if it continues to be ME, I'd read that writing as an invitation to move on.

My heart goes out to you, Rchubn, and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. A strategic move might be to consider ways that hating the daughter less might end up being a ticket to future closeness with your Dad and his side of your family. What has you estranged from your Mom's side? You are NOT insignificant. You are being challenged to find your own value, and I understand that knowing this may not make it less painful--but it can help to build your resilience. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Do you really believe that a higher classification would disqualify you for an entry level job?

What's this about? You "can't," or you "won't" learn? This is the one thing that will keep you dependent. I'd start here, and the rest will follow.

You've been together 10 years, and you're worried about her now? What's stopping you from marriage?

I'd consider everyone I meet as a learning opportunity. From this one you've learned to screen out rebounders. Those are people pretty freshly out of a breakup or divorce, and all you need to determine who those are is a calendar. Rebounders don't consider themselves to be such, so don't rely on THEM to tell you whether they're ready for a relationship or not--they are not. In fact, lots of them rush right into insta-love and suddenly YOU are the love of their life! Until you're not. He hates to tell you this because you're such a fabulous person, but he really should have taken more time solo to find himself... Classic. It doesn't make him a villain, but it tells you that YOU are responsible for screening, not the guy. So do your due diligence. One of the first questions to ask a potential date is how long it's been since his last breakup. A few months after a few years with someone? Not a good prospect. Head high, we all live and learn.

I have no idea. What's your barrier to the better accreditation? Can you accept the lower while working toward the higher?

Yep. Sounds like you're looking for a reason to next him. If you were all that into him, something this inconsequential wouldn't be a big deal.

I dunno, there's more than a month between now and Halloween. Maybe he's just trying not to lose touch before then? I'd skip responding when it's not a good time, then I'd text whenever I fee like it. If he's okay with this, that will be apparent. If this is not okay with him, you'll figure that out and decide it's time to find a different date for Halloween.

BINGO! You're in law. You know how expensive this would be to get out of. THINK.

Your definition of 'all' is limited to those you've failed to screen out before involving yourself. Your picker is off. Fix THAT, and you'll feel fine holding out for the RIGHT match. Meanwhile, pop your fantasies about current guy ever stepping up. He's not going to become the partner you envision for yourself, but you don't really need us to tell you this.

How long has it been since his divorce was finalized?

Would your parents allow you to go?

I can't speak for you, but this would be a no-brain dealbreaker for me. If you're not even invested in the guy, why would you even consider putting up with this? I mean, even if I was invested, the life skill of walking away from mistreatment is something I've never regretted--ever.

Guilt is the opposite of a good motivator for change. Attempting to instill guilt in others through accusations will succeed in making them feel lousy--about YOU, not themselves. If you continue this cycle of forcing a desire in everyone to eject themselves from your influence, what will that solve? There is zero payoff to the way you are handling people. (Have you noticed?) I would honor Mom's wishes to avoid getting dumped on about others, and I'd make my time with her fun and enjoyable--and about HER-not-Me. People can sense when you hate them--and that's not an incentive for inviting you to be around them. I'd rethink that position, and I'd become the change that I wish to see.

Can't speak for you, but this would be a no-brainer YES for me. Walking away from mistreatment is a life skill that you will thank yourself for perfecting.