catfeeder

I love your screen name, BTW. When we're speaking of adults and not middle schoolers who keep themselves in the dark to avoid admitting not knowing something, then why the mystery? Simply state what you're looking for out of dating--up front--when you meet a potential date, and then ASK that person whether what THEY hope to find aligns with what you hope to find. From there, you've opened an ongoing conversation as you move forward to easily learn where you stand with this person at any given time. I mean, sure, it's a bit premature on date number 2 to declare feelings and ask whether that person sees a future with you, but to keep dating someone only to WONDER instead of simply asking? That makes no sense. If you keep dating someone that you really like, there's nothing stopping you from saying, "There's no pressure here, I'd just like for you to know that I've stopped dating other people. This doesn't mean that you must do the same, but I'm a one-person-at-a-time dater, and I've really been enjoying our time together." Then listen. Either they feel the same, OR, they will convey that they're still playing the field. If it's the former, you've gained some clarity about where you stand, but if you opt to stick around for the latter, you're positing yourself to be kept in the dark. It's about communication for clarity rather than the messy kid stuff of guessing games. Good topic!

At what point might it have occurred to you that this guy is not a good match?

You're not giving it 'a fair shot...,' you're over-investing. That may come off as desperate. As for the lack of connection, if you're going to date, you'll need a thicker skin, because MOST people are NOT our match. We do not connect with most people. Finding a 'connection' is like finding a needle in the haystack--it is RARE. This doesn't mean that it's impossible to find, but if you're going to be hurt every time someone doesn't want to FORCE a match, then you are going to suffer needlessly, and a lot. Unless and until you can grasp that ONLY the RIGHT person will be able to 'see' and appreciate your unique value--which is exactly the thing that makes her the right match for you--then you will doom yourself to self-torture over and over again. We all need to date a lot of people before we stumble across the right match. That doesn't speak of any deficiency in you--or in anyone else. It's a level playing field. And if you think that this comes from someone who doesn't understand, I'm much older than you, and I've always been single. it's not that I 'cannot' find dates or even a relationship, but rather, I'm happy enough solo to hold out for the RIGHT person. Even then, I may not marry. Ask yourself whenever you see an elderly couple enjoying one another whether or not they may have just met. Never assume that happiness 'must' come before a certain date. That will drive you nuts. Head high, and do whatever it takes to change your mentality to move beyond desperation. Because frankly, it's NOT ATTRACTIVE, and it will harm your chances with anyone who might have otherwise enjoyed getting to know you if you weren't so single-mindedly focused on forcing a match.

I'd stop making this about him, and I'd make it about caring for myself, instead. Why stay with him?

If he's been like this for 10 years, what is changing for YOU today? Are you considering leaving him? That would not make you horrible, you know.

Yes, I think it's natural because there is no deadline on how long it takes to grieve the loss of a relationship. Unfortunately, rebounding into dating another too soon before your grief is completed can teach you the futility of hoping for another to heal you or distract you from what you must complete for yourself.

Why invest so much in a stranger? Why not invest instead in setting up first meets over coffee with women locally, so you can learn whether there is any chemistry before you even date or spend too much time online or on the phone building fantasies 'about' one another? Dating is all about screening OUT wrong matches, and there will be more of those than a rare 'connection'. Most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds. Everyone views others, themselves and the world through a unique lens. Love is rare, and it's supposed to be rare. The goal is to strike a match with someone who 'gets' you, and who owns the right vision to appreciate your unique value. That will NOT be most people--but it's not supposed to be most people. Like a needle in the haystack, it's about finding the right ONE. Head high.

There's no 'wrong' decision you can make on your own behalf, but I'd be sure to adopt the most favorable perspective on my choice. First off, my best defense is full agreement and leaning IN to own any and all family accusations. For instance, I tend to respond cheerfully to comments such as, "You did this-or-that..." with, "Yes. I. Did. ...and I'm a horrible person for it!" Or, "You think that's funny..." with, "Yes. I. Do. I'm a freakin' sociopath!" Nobody can really argue with me, because I won't argue back. "Well, I think you're irresponsible..." "Well, I think you're RIGHT." Try arguing with that. Secondly, if I opt to feel obligated to be somewhere on a holiday, I stop fantasizing that a given day 'must' be special so I must feel lousy about my big sacrifice. Really?? No, 'I' get to pick how I feel, AND, I own my own calendar--I can make ANY day special, especially when I'm not paying top dollar to travel during a big gouge, AND I can celebrate any holiday for as many days as I wish, with whomever I wish, 'around' that obligation I've voluntarily elected to take on. Sooo, for my birthday, I claim the whole month! I start celebrating on the first with some people, I join others in their celebrations of their own birthdays in between, and I celebrate with others at the end of the month. Why not just claim the whole month or two for YOUR holidays, and if the one DAY or two you devote to your cranky Mom falls on the actual day, then goodie for her--and you. Spend the week before or after with BF, or celebrate for as long as you wish. I realize that it can do something to your head to be around someone who's negative, but that's exactly why I choose to respond by killing them with kindness, humor, and blatant demonstrations that I don't take their grumpy comments seriously. If they choose to keep dishing, I will continue to make fun of them for that--OR, they can join me in some levity and a challenge to enjOy themselves. Life is shor...

Yup, OR, "Anyone who believes that they can do this faster, cleaner, or better is welcome to step up to show me how it's done. Until then, the complaint department is closed."

Then your answer to that is to stop engaging and go silent, too.

Do you want to get back with her, or do you want out? If you want her, stop being nasty when she contacts you and ask her if she wants to work things out. If she says no, then say nothing, end the contact. If you do NOT want her back, then just stop contacting her and stop responding to her contact.

Leaving your own apartment to let her have at it with him isn't going to win her back. If you want your stuff or you want your home, lay down your ground rules, and get them. She'll respect you more for THAT than for acting like a doormat.

Porn, schmorn. I wouldn't care 'why' someone would expect to keep me in a sexless relationship--it just wouldn't happen. Why jump though hoops because someone won't give you what you want and deserve in a loving relationship, when you can just tell him when you expect him out of there?

Do you want to be in your marriage, or do you want to be out of your marriage? If you want out, just get out. If you want to stay married, look for another job, and get rid of the jerk who makes you feel lousy.

When your name is on the lease and you're paying rent, nobody can tell you that you're not 'allowed' to be there. Two options: Tell her you intend to pay the fee to cut the lease short unless she gives you untroubled access to the place whenever you want to go there--for as long as you wish, even to sleep there. Otherwise, set up a date to get your stuff, and tell her that you'd prefer to do this without a police escort, but if she gives you any trouble, that's what she's facing, because it's your lease. Trying to be a 'nice' guy isn't going to get her back. Stand up for yourself, and if you want to keep the place, tell her a date by which she needs to be out of there. Period.

And you go along with this?

Good observation. I think you're right. Even during GOOD times it's natural to feel a bit out of one's element when surrounded by strangers who are all connected to one another with shared history and inside jokes. One of the most helpful things I've learned to relieve 'spotlight' pressure from myself, even with close friends and family, was my decision to make every outing about them-not-ME. This not only relaxes me, but it moves me out of my own way. I understand that this can sound counter-intuitive and passive, but the opposite is true. Active listening is a skill, and while it may not impress people with all kinds of fabulous information about you, it impresses them with how they FEEL being heard and valued by you. That's the stuff that will, ultimately, help you to feel valued as well. People will be receptive to what you have to say whenever you DO want to speak of yourself, because you've set a precedent for the kind of intimacy that has no need to compete to be heard. Head high, you are not alone.

When someone demonstrates their capacity for disloyalty, believe what you see--not what you want to hear. I'd leave new guy to deal with her and focus on someone else.

There's a difference between using conflicts to negotiate better outcomes versus turning a spouse (or his family) into adversaries. I would have asked husband, "If you want to allow your Mom to set the timeline, are you willing to get the baby ready while I catch up?" Cleaning up the house to impress MIL when your hostile attitude toward her and husband overrides any other impression isn't helpful. I would have left the place a bombshell to demo the help that I need. Then whoever tried to rush me would have been assigned a job to help out.

Good! This was smart. That's all I'd say about it. Then I'd give him a kiss and offer him a plate. If he didn't want the plate, I'd return it to the cupboard, fill my own plate, offer him a glass of wine or whatever he drinks. Whether he accepts that or not, I'd move my own plate to the table and start eating. Not everything 'must' be a power struggle.

Holing up to watch gore won't help you to like people any better--just the opposite. And when you hate people, they sense this and avoid you, so you'll only end up hating more. Why not try breaking this cycle by exploring other interests and learning whether you can find some common ground to like about someone else?

Speaking only for myself, I'd want to mention it early to get it off my shoulders and relax. If someone wouldn't want to date me because of it, I'd want to screen that person out early--not after I'm already invested.

This is exactly why I wouldn't even bother telling him anything. I'd just stop contacting him or responding to his self-interested breadcrumbs. Who wants to settle for crumbs? Moving on isn't going to position you to 'lose' anything. He's not giving you anything to lose. If he suddenly has some kind of eureka! moment, believe me, he'll have no problem letting you know this. Sticking around to remind him that you're invested doesn't help the situation--it's hovering, and it's not attractive. (Sorry.)

I dunno, I tend to enjoy attending weddings alone. If being at a wedding together with BF is important to you, then make his friends wedding your place to do that. Meanwhile, enjOy your friend's wedding with all of YOUR friends... Uhm--unless THAT is the really the issue. Maybe you're a bit jealous that he has a closer bond with his group than you have with yours? I wouldn't harm my own relationship over this, but that's just me.

When I love someone and value our relationship more than being right, I tend to sense when my best intentions are making someone angry. From there, I stop doing that thing. So my best takeaway from this would be to keep loving girlfriend AND respect her limits. That means allowing her to learn her own stuff in her own time, and let her evolve from that as she so chooses. Stop. Picking. That.