catfeeder

And when you've raised this with her, what was her response?

Some people just don't do well with birthdays, and I agree with Andrina that projecting our own desires onto the behaviors of others who don't operate the same way or process sentiment the same way is a setup for disappointment, so why do that? I would decide whether my own behaviors are motivated by truly wanting to express to friend my gratitude for her and my wishes for her, or more by hoping to model for her the behaviors I want her to adopt. I'd give this careful thought. Really careful thought. Because if I decide that I'm acting out of sincerity and WANT to continue behaving as I have, then I would do that. A gift is a gift, not a contract. However, if I decide that my primary motivation is to model behaviors that I wish from her, and she has obviously failed to pick that up from me, then I'd just stop doing that and making it a thing. A simple social media wish of happy birthday will suffice going forward. Another thing I've found helpful is, given that your birthdays are close, you can announce to her on the first that you BOTH get to claim the whole month as your birthday celebration time, and you'd like to schedule a mutual celebration with her. The actual dates don't need to matter.

Oh, Seraphim. I hear, and I'm so sorry you're not thrilled about your new place. You might consider it a psyche-safety net to consider this a temporary home despite not knowing what circumstances might prompt a change, or when. From there, you can challenge yourself to make-shift spaces as you might for a vacation rental, even while you consider ways to right-size furnishings, etc. to grow more comfortable over time. But no, there isn't anything helpful about others telling you to love what you don't love. Sometimes people offer such suggestions to help them SELVES feel better, as it's discomforting to hear that someone is unhappy with what you hoped would be such a great move for them. A good example is Freshman Misery--that first semester where a college kid wants to drop out and go home. Very few parents say, "Sure, do that!" Most tend to encourage a longer wait-and-see period, even while cautioning against shutting down to adopting potential joys. Head high, you can vent here at any time friends and family don't prove satisfying.

Simple, and I don't know why you're surprised. He already ditched the relationship by taking up with her in the first place. Your message to him when you took him back was, "Okay, I'll put up with that." So, he did it again. You can blame the drinking, but that's not going to change, either. So consider this your time of liberation to 'find yourself' and learn why you'd ever settle for a drunken cheater. Once you're clear abut that, raise your bar. Consider hiring a therapist to help you navigate the process, they're trained in this stuff and can teach you how to avoid working 'around' your self esteem problem so you can work ON it, instead. Head high, his loss, your gain. Transform this into the BEST and most productive time of your life, and you will thank yourself later.

Speaking only for myself, if a partner ever threatened to leave me, I'd be the one carrying out that threat. My needs + his needs = sometimes it's his way, and sometimes it's my way. If he were to threaten to leave me for trying to claim some 'my way' time, then I'd consider him someone best loved from far away. Not just because he's inflexible, but because he's a manipulative bully. That's not the kind of relationship I'd want, so it's not something I'd cater to in any way, shape or form--ever. Negotiation is fine, but a threat to leave? Not okay. Period. We're done.

If someone isn't willing to set up a quick meet in public over coffee to check one another out, I don't even bother with them. In lockdown, that would mean a video call. No meet, nothing left to say. It makes no sense to build a fantasy around typing.

It's strange that you'd put up with cheating and mistreatment from a guy, but you'd call someone who has offered thoughtful time and advice rude. Your priorities need adjustment.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll opt to quit beating yourself up. When we really want someone or something, that can blind us to the harsher truths about them. But that's not based on some personality flaw in you, it happens to everybody, at one point or another. So how we respond to the experience is what makes--or breaks--each of us. We either gain new tools for moving forward with more confidence from a lesson learned, or we stay stuck from the barrier we create 'around' the experience. Consider exactly how 'broken' you'll allow yourself to be--and for how long. Consider his worthlessness, and decide whether you'll choose to be damaged OR resilient in spite of him. Your best revenge is to adopt a goal of making yourself proud with your resiliency and ability to bounce back from this. You CAN create a learning tool from this that will serve you as you navigate FORward and build a fabulous life for yourself. The guy can be a blip on your radar, or he can be your symbol for squelching yourself, playing small and deciding that you're too damaged by this experience to push beyond it to find BETTER. I hope you'll shoot for pride over ego damage and opt to THRIVE instead of hide. Head high, you can do this.

Settle your current business before pursuing something else, or you'll come off as disloyal. That's not attractive.

There is no way that I'd be confrontational or punitive toward this friend of 7 years. Part of maturity is recognizing and honoring the limits of our friends, and these limits will shift along with various priorities over time. Sometimes friendships diverge for a while. You've already recognized this pattern with this friend, so why are you surprised? New relationships are referred to as a 'honeymoon period' for a reason. Am I saying that she's 'right' or that you need to like this? No. I'm only raising that when we have enough friends, we'll make our own rounds with them and focus more on the ones who are most available at a given time. This friend doesn't qualify right now. I'd focus less on her to avoid torturing myself with unrealized 'shoulds,' and I'd trust that in time, she is likely to include me more as her honeymoon bubble bursts or grows boring, and outside stimulation is more welcomed. If not, then you'll already be involved with your other friends to the degree that it won't matter so much. Head high, I DO sympathize, but I would consider expanding my reach out to other friends who might better qualify for your time at this moment.

My heart goes out to you. As painful as this is at this moment, you will thank yourself later for learning from this early and avoiding future harm to you and your baby. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Yes, this sounds smart. Trying to force a fit is smothering and would have the opposite impact you'd hope for. I'd back off, let her figure out where she stands without any influence from you. Read my sig, and write more if it helps.

Are there other issues in your marriage? Are you affectionate and emotionally intimate and do you have a sex life outside of sleeping hours? Have you considered joining him for cuddling until he's asleep before going off to your own bed? It's one thing to put off addressing one's health issues, and it's another to stop caring about a partner and one's marriage. Sure, the problems are semi-related, but for the sake of clarification, which is the problem here?

For my own head and healing, I wouldn't try to build something out of breadcrumbs. If someone is my 'ex,' he's part of my history, not my present. Some people are best loved from far away.

What is it that you WANT to do? I'm sure something has occurred to you by now...

Where's the 'comfort' in being with someone who makes you unhappy? I'd stop thinking of the ex with that term, and I'd stop seeing him instead. New guy is aware that you're rebounding with him, and I'd avoid buying into the marriage BS with him. He'll show you a whole new set of problems in time, and it will occur to you that leapfrogging from one guy to another robs you of the opportunity to 'find yourself' and make better choices.

That comment doesn't come off as rude to me, but rather forgiving. He's normalizing the thing so you won't feel lousy, AND he sounds predictive as though he intends to keep seeing you. I wouldn't sweat this.

This would be simple for me with zero arguments. I'd go visit my family, and I'd never see her again. She's a hypocrite, and she makes you feel small. What's to love about that?

Are you willing to plunk down money for an expensive trip without at very least meeting up with her first to learn more about her--and how likely she might be to flake on you?

How long has it been since your last breakup?

Part of the problem with early intensity and constant text and phone connection is that it's not sustainable. It creates a fantasy 'vacation' bubble that suspends reality for a time even while it 'must' get popped by real world events at some point, in which case, whoever is under the pressure from those things pulls away to focus on them. That leaves the other flapping' in the breeze, wondering where the happy-bubble went. In all of your writing, you're focused on day-by-day if not hour-by-hour, and so any breaks he makes from those early all-encompassing convos seems like big giant gaps to you. In reality, they are hours or days, which most autonomous adults are fine with navigating by turning their attention to the rest of their lives. So consider this a combo plate of being overly-focused even while the guy's real life has popped the temporary bubble you shared--his children, catching up with the work he couldn't have been doing while goofing off with you for so many hours, his own health--it's a LOT that has crashed his party. I'd pull back, offer occasional kind words of thinking of him, but otherwise leave him alone. He's having a big scare right now, and it does sound like you understand this.

In your shoes I wouldn't devolve this into an issue of who is 'right or wrong,' but rather, I'd ask, 'What do I WANT'? If what I want is to keep this woman, then I'd back up and recognize that it won't happen unless there is something in it for her to keep her happy. I'd ask whether she's open to couples counseling, and I'd learn ways to negotiate what she wants and needs in exchange for what I want and need from her. If what I want is to eject this woman for her disloyalty, then I'd put the emotional stuff aside to reconcile later as I operate on practicality: meet with an attorney to learn my options and the best steps to take toward each option. Then make decisions based on REAL information rather than emotions alone. I'd skip the idea of trying mix keeping her AND holding onto a grudge for her disloyalty. Those two things won't mix to form anything successful--just torture for both of you.

I just caught this. The loss is hers. While your heart may have been invested in the person you believed she was, she is a transactional person who disposes of people who don't perform to expectations. That's not a friend, that's someone you don't need. Head high, and good job on your civility at work.

Great comments from the folks above. The fact that you were willing to re-change your plans to accommodate new information would have meant a LOT to most people. This coworker opted to internalize a simple error as some kind of disloyalty, and that's not okay. The cardinal rule of adult friendships is: respect the limits of one another. Instead of respecting yours, she went punitive. That's also not okay. While I'd have the coffee or phone chat, I'd do so with an aim of keeping the arm's length civility at work in place without a need to say it. While it's not likely but possible that co-worker might confess a recognition that her reaction was a mistake, I'd thank her for that. I'd tell her that my heart has always remained open to her, but I won't say that I'm any less fallible than I was before. I'm likely more so, and I'll never be up for any pass or fail tests that would render my friendship disposable.

It's not your job to cure another's depression or make him into a better person. You saw that his limits were all about sex, and his ploy of keeping you as a friend is a placeholder in case he gets an itch for some casual sex. The guy is right--you don't deserve his mistreatment, you deserve to find someone better. You can't find better when you're willing to settle for scraps. That's the thing to change. Decide what YOU WANT from a relationship. Discuss what you are looking for UP FRONT when you meet someone, and don't settle for anyone who isn't looking for the exact same thing. Consider putting off getting sexual with anyone until you both learn where you stand with one another--and where you want to stand with him. You'll thank yourself later for not bonding too intimately, too early, with anyone who is ONLY willing to spend time with you IF you offer sex. That's the kind of guy to learn how to screen OUT rather than trying to convert him into your fantasy. That's a recipe for getting used and getting your heart broken. Head high, and write more if it helps.