catfeeder

Exactly. I'd quit trying to diagnose anyone else as my distraction from the fact that nobody who is healthy themselves would tolerate this person in their life. So why not put those research skills into action and find a therapist who can help you to figure out your own issues. I'd start by walking away from the mistreatment as my first step toward my OWN mental health. Head high, and trust that you will thank yourself later for making the right choice today.

I'd be kind whenever our paths cross, but I'd move my focus forward and not allow my preoccupation with the guy to derail me from starting my future TODAY. Playing friendzies isn't really in your best interests, and if you won't look out for your Self, then who will? Head high, and move FORward. You will thank yourself later.

This would say it all for me. I'd rather be alone with optimism that I'm free to find my RIGHT match someday than sell out for less than I want and deserve just to meet some arbitrary timeline--from people who are NOT living my love life FOR me. Skip the pressure you're putting on yourself to cater to anyone else's calendar. Love yourself enough to believe that you are valid and worthy on your own, and hold out for the RIGHT partner. Because if you don't love yourself enough to get that--and relax into it--then nobody else will be able to love your enough to make you happy, either. Trust your gut. That's your first and foundational message to your Self that you are on your own side, and you will thank your Self later. Head high.

In your shoes, I guess I'd let our discussions teach me whether the guy intends to bring an improved effort--and then shows me by walking his talk, or whether he's pointing to his diagnosis as an excuse to mistreat freely. The rest would be irrelevant until I learn these things. Head high, and write more if it helps.

You can't argue someone into wanting to behave as they don't wish to behave. Threats on top of that will gain you zero. Have you noticed? I'd learn from this as I move forward. Head high, we all learn from living.

If I would feel a need to snoop through a lover's phone, that alone would tell me all I need to know. Relationships are supposed to help us like ourselves.

I have plenty of materials in my home that I consider 'opposition research'. If you like the guy and have been finding simpatico in the last 3 months, it wouldn't make much sense to jump to conclusions. However, if you've been on the fence about him, then there you go--perfect reason to ditch the guy.

I would interview, and when it's time to ask questions, I'd ask about their Covid protocols.

Anyone in charge of your promotability at work has access to your personnel records, so a piece of jewelry is irrelevant. For anyone to believe that they've been misinformed, I would think of the opposite scenario: staying ringless even while married. But lots of people in certain work situations do that regularly to avoid safety, hygiene or damage concerns.

I think she genuinely likes working with you and enjoys you in that context, but outside of that she felt an awkwardness. Maybe because the thing with that other guy developed. But then spilling your guts sent a message that anything outside of work would become too 'meaningful' to you while she's not ready for that. Sounds like bad timing followed by too much-too-soon. I'd keep your work relationship fun, but I'd skip any ideas about asking for more. She knows how you feel, and if she's ever up for that, she knows how to communicate it.

These were my questions, too.

I would contact several of the suicide prevention hotlines on the Internet for suggested plans, and I would follow the most helpful steps that they suggest. I would also ask them for referrals to resources that are local to me so I can contact them for THEIR suggestions. One of these steps may include advising ex's friends and family that I believe she could be a danger to herself, and I would suggest that they contact one another and make a plan, because I need to pull away. I believe that further contact from me would be more harmful than helpful, and she may need around the clock attention from them or from professionals they may wish to designate. My heart goes out to you, and write more if it helps.

How many people have you met in person from the dating apps? Most people are NOT our match. The whole point of meeting is to screen out bad matches, and that requires a thick enough skin to withstand the search for a needle in the haystack. The goal isn't to compete with anyone else, it's to find the person who attracts you AND views YOU through the right lens. Odds are, that will NOT be most people. Same is true for all of us. Hang in there, and head high.

Yep, it's a toughie. You may want to tell her that you'll only worry more without hearing directly from her doctors, and that's why you're asking. If she'll let you do that, you can stop worrying, and you'll feel more capable with your own family. I have elderly parents, and they're always more cooperative when I frame everything as doing me a favor rather than pushing for compliance for THEIR own good.

Hah, I understand the feeling. I didn't thank you, but I did praise you, and you deserve to be praised and thanked. You may need to have your Mom's providers contact her first to give her consent before they can discuss her care with you--so make room in your schedule for that. Head high, and yes, thank you for looking out for your Mom.

You can't fix her Dad's covid or anything else she's grieving. Believing that you can implant lasting changes to her feelings about such events is a bit disrespectful to her and unnecessarily frustrating for you. I'd also avoid advertising when I intend to go watch a game or do something enjoyable. It's not that you can't go do those things, but saying so sends the message, "yeah, it sucks to be you, but since I'm not you, I can go enjoy myself and tune you out..." I realize that's not your intended message, so just don't go there. It will have the opposite impact you'd hope for, because it specifies when you're removing your emotional safety, so that's exactly when she's likely to feel the most needy. I'd just listen and tell her I realize that I can't possibly understand, but I'm here for you. I'd let her do the talking, and if she reaches a point of sounding spent, I'd ask caring questions that are open ended, which can prompt her to use the rational part of her mind. For instance, "I'm so sorry you're feeling lousy. What kind of self-care things do you think might help you to feel some comfort today?" Grieving people typically insist on feeling lousy, and it's not a measure of their cooperation or respect for you when they don't straighten up and fly right. Her problems are persisting, and so will her pain. Recognizing that instead of trying to change it will be most helpful to you both.

I'm so sorry to hear of this, and my heart goes out to you. Can you rent self-storage until you have access to your new place in which to move your valuables?

I must be missing something crucial, as I don't see any villains in this scenario beyond the coworkers and manager who have been cold to you--and never even offered comfort after the loss of your parent. I'm very sorry for your loss, and my heart goes out to you. It is common during vulnerable times to develop a crush on someone, especially in a position of authority, who has reached out with kindness and has been helpful. This is a typical and REAL phenomenon with therapists, doctors and bosses, and it's a term called 'transference'. Finding yourself in this state is disorienting, because you view and hear everything from this person through an emotionally charged lens, and you can't tell whether their attention is benign or carries the intimate charge you are interpreting This doesn't make either you or him 'bad' or morally 'wrong,' but it certainly makes you uncomfortable. That's exactly why you might consider reaching out to a therapist to help you work through this state to transfer your focus back onto your everyday 'real' life that is so difficult given your grief and loss--and so mundane in comparison to the excitement of a crush. While I can understand wanting to exit a work environment that you find cold and unfriendly, I would not consider your crush on this man's 'savior' gestures during your time of need to be something that you can't move beyond given the right work with someone who is trained in healing grief and transference. This does NOT make you a freak, it only feels that way, and sharing your problems with a professional can help to 'normalize' your feelings away from isolation and assigning more significance to them than is necessary. The 5 stages of grief can feel overwhelming and crazy-making: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance (reference Elisabeth Kubler Ross) and are more like cycles rather than stages, where you can mish-mosh emotions together and keep cycling through them in a chaotic way over and over. Romantic crushes make for pleasurable distractions from this chaos, but as you've noticed, they're a double-edged sword. However, a good therapist will recognize this issue as ripe for your place to start in healing, as it's where you've transferred your focus to avoid the 'real' pain and the mundane. Head high, and write more if it helps.

This is your foundational information about this person, yet you opted to involve yourself with her again, anyway? Her current behavior only confirmed that she's a flake, yet you opted to plan marriage with her? Yes, I'd say that walking away is the best decision you've made, and I'd certainly skip any confrontations with her. You can't 'argue' someone into mental health. Instead, use this as an important lesson to raise your own bar and avoid dating unstable people. Head high.

You built a fantasy bubble around one another's fantasies, yet engaging in real life tends to pop those bubbles. They're not sustainable. It makes no sense to invest so heavily in anyone with whom you can't share real life experiences and learn who someone REALLY is, as opposed to the online facade they may present. Forming a dependency on another's online presence to the degree that any focus on REAL people and life events will cause dis-illusion-ment is not healthy--or accurate. Chalk this off as a lesson learned, and use dating apps to meet local people for coffee to check one another out. Most of these quick meets will result in learning that you do NOT match well, and that's the point--to screen OUT bad matches until you stumble upon a good match like finding a needle in a haystack. Most people are NOT out match. Keep things impersonal until you strike simpatico. Then keep dating that person--IN PERSON--to learn over time whether you are a good fit.

Yes, a trip to get her properly diagnosed IS key, and you don't need to defend your actions to anyone--including your fiancé. But in addition to this, I'd contact her local hospital ahead of time for a referral to a case worker with whom you can meet and discuss the family abuse, your lack of trust in Mom's ability to medicate properly, and a request for a review of all potential services and a plan of coordination to ensure continuity of Mom's care. It's one thing to diagnose and leave it up to Mom and family to carry out her treatment, it's another to ensure that social services are in place to counter abuse and neglect. Mom might also be eligible for rides to appointments, therapies, group or private counseling, and social meetings with others to form a community of support. I'd check into ALL of it. Friendships outside of the family bubble may do wonders for Mom, because she may need social connections that keep her oriented, validated and fulfilled. Write more if it helps, and keep your head high for being a loving and caring son.

How can we help?

Get her diagnosed. If that means arranging an appt with a specialist and making the trip to get her there, then isn't it worth the investment? I'd also seek the services of a case worker in Mom's area to ensure that her care is organized and she's receiving any and all services to which she's entitled. Also, I'd quit catering to mama's-boy implications. Wherever you heard that, it was being used to manipulate you, and you're taking the bait. I'd leave family alone until I have gathered the right sources and info to report, and I'd thank fiancé for her patience, even while I remind her that geriatrics is not her field, you have every right to be invested in your mother's care--and you'd say the same for her and anyone in her family who she loves. I'd make sure that the very voices of criticism that I abhor directed to my Mom are not ones that I permit to drive my own behavior. That means stepping up to advocate for Mom with professionals, not engaging a power struggle with a bunch of ignorants who aren't interested in learning facts about Mom's needs. Head high, and write more if it helps.

It's natural for people to outgrow their first relationship and become incompatible, so this doesn't make either of you a villain. However, asking a monogamous person for an open relationship makes a mess. Have you noticed? It's understandable that you don't want a sexless existence, so you can ask GF whether she is willing to attend counseling with you to learn whether you can add some mutual desire back into your sex life. If she's unwilling to do that, it's up to you to decide whether staying with the status quo or moving forward to pursue your OWN sex life is the best choice for you.

I would avoid spinning this into worry about why YOUR responses might not be right for someone else. View online screening as exactly that--screening out people who would NOT make a good match for YOU. Meeting in public for a coffee to check one another out before investing in a more intimate date is a perfectly reasonable thing. Anyone who's not up for that is just not a good match for you--so they'll screen themselves out. This isn't about pleasing everyone, it's about finding a GOOD match. So don't overthink yourself into a spin about people-pleasing for the masses. Target your wants and needs, and screen out anyone who does not align with those. Allow bad matches to pass early. Have another one on deck to meet. Don't invest too much in anyone during this process, and allow simpatico with the RIGHT match to shake out for you. Head high.