catfeeder

I believe that goodbye emails, no matter how beautifully written, come off as self-serving, manipulative and overly dramatic. Not exactly the farewell I'd want to shoot for. There is no position to stand on when a romantic interest is involved with another lover. Her behavior speaks for itself, and so mine would, too--I'd move my focus onto attainable goals, and I'd forget about releasing a piece of writing into the universe that I can never un-do. I'd rather maintain control over my own thoughts in ways that I will never regret later. Head high, write here instead of 'there,' and trust that you will thank yourself countless times for keeping your dignity and your privacy in tact.

Moments of clarity, no matter how fleeting, are never wasted. They teach us the state to strive for, and they give us the contrast to our usual state. I'd take the messages you've found so helpful to a therapist, and start THERE with what you've told us. You're doing great work! Think of what you could accomplish--and the leaps and bounds you could make--if you worked with someone who is trained in this stuff! Head high, and write more if it helps.

The problem with continuing to play friendzies with someone who has voiced a romantic interest in you is that it's no longer a friendship. It's you trying to be friends with someone who has an agenda. The guy is your frienemy, not your friend. He's nursing hurt while trying to manipulate you, and his resentment comes out sideways. You don't have the same investment in this guy, and so it may not have occurred to you that he has one of two focuses at any given time: to either one-up you and knock you down--or convert you to a lover. Anything that doesn't fit into one of those agendas is merely incidental. So what are you doing with this guy? Whatever it is, it's not working, and it's costing you peace of mind and time you could otherwise be investing in REAL friendships or a REAL lover. Head high, and THINK.

Given the degree to which this can impact your social and dating life, I'd pursue two things: treatment by a doctor with a prescription to help to quell stomach upset. Regardless of whether I'd ever need to reach for it, it would be a psychological safety net to know that I have it at the ready. I'd also get a referral to a good therapist who has specialized experience in this area. People have no problem hiring a plumber, a mechanic, a tax expert to handle areas of their lives in which they don't own expertise. So why would this be any different? It makes no sense to try to live such important areas of your life 'around' such a condition, when you can address the condition itself, instead. Head high, and write more if it helps.

How much research have you done to learn whether you'd even be allowed to work in Canada? I wouldn't change my whole life for someone who hasn't even recognized a true commitment to me, forget that. Sure, it would be convenient for BF to have a built-in GF in his new place, but that's hardly something I'd translate into anything meaningful for me.

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. ((((Holding you in my heart.))))) Cat

I'm sorry you had to see that. Breaking up with someone who has done nothing wrong sometimes means, "...another time in the future might have worked, but right now, I want freedom to play..." And so, this doesn't mean she had the other guy on deck, necessarily, but she's certainly enjoying her freedom to play. Breakups rarely if ever mean, "I intend to keep myself on a shelf for a potential reunion with you." You're both at an age where people outgrow relationships in favor of exploration. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or deceptive with her, it just means that this woman was not ready to share a 'forever' investment with you. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Typical of people who are spending a holiday engaged with real people in front of them. I set my phone on charge to be with family and missed a ton of messages--with zero concern about that. I answered them later. It makes no sense to take the temperature of others through texts. They have a real life going on. They drive, they play, they interact--so let go of the texting and engage your OWN life. The fastest way to chase someone away is to make them the center of your world. It's not healthy, and healthy people want healthy people. Head high, and text her on Wednesday to learn whether she's still available to meet.

The way he treated you while you were in labor represents ALL. He criticized you and wanted to go seek HIS rest. ***? There is no dealing with someone that far gone, and I admire your strength to recognize this, Lotus.

Yes! There is a huge difference between getting stuff out to confirm them for yourself in the context of having taken the action to buy yourself some degree of objectivity versus dwelling in stagnation. You are climbing in ascent rather than drilling yourself down deeper, and it only makes sense to reflect in ways that can build pride in your resilience--even if that means reaching for the skills of a professional to bolster and guide your efforts. Meanwhile, WE are here for you, any time you can use a sounding board. I agree that the term narcissist is overused, and while there are degrees on a spectrum of narcissistic personalities, your ex fits the bill to the most bizarre and the cruelest degree. Anyone who would fault a woman in labor for crying, regardless of whether from fear or pain, is pathetically sick. I'm glad you've recognized that no degree of effort on your part could have possibly moved such a person even a notch toward empathy, and now your efforts can be focused on starting fresh and healing any traces or remnants of damage that this man has caused to your psyche. Cheers to you on the first leg of your journey!

My heart goes out to you, Lotus. It sounds as though you and your child can benefit most if you can disabuse yourself of your husband's complaints as anything you've done 'wrong'. Those remarks came from pure selfishness rather than from an invested partner. He was a roommate with zero commitment to partnering, and his views of your struggles as an imposition on him are appalling. It's natural for us to internalize criticism from someone we hope will love us. While you are intellectually able to recognize the ridicule as unfair, the emotional impacts are deep, and your decision to leave was your first step toward healing. The actual act of leaving is another giant step, and while congratulations for that may sound out of place, you deserve acknowledgment for your strength and courage. I'm holding you in my thoughts, and I'm wishing for you to find joy in your resilience and ability to bounce back from this experience. I sense an intelligence and determination to create a wonderful life for yourself and your babe with lots of love and happiness. Moving your focus away from trying to win the love and support you deserve from someone who is devoid of the ability or desire to give it will help you to flourish, and you will thank yourself soon enough--if not today and every day. Head high, and write more if it helps. I would love to hear more from you, and I'm sending you loving, supportive energy for strength. (((BIG HUG))), Cat

Since you already know the term 'love bomb,' what else did you learn about the behavior that makes it so unfortunate to buy into?

My own private rule: never sleep first, then ask questions later. This isn't some kind of moralistic rule, it's practical: Since I bond when I'm sexual, I need to get to know a guy long enough and well enough to learn where I stand with him and where I want him to stand with me BEFORE I get sexual with him. Since 'casual' is not what I want, any guy who is not willing to get to know me as a human before getting sexual screens himself out as a bad match for me. That's simple--not complicated. You can keep pretzeling your mind 'around' the fact that this guy no longer responds as you wish, but that won't change the facts. You can't manipulate someone into wanting what he doesn't want. He was quick to get sexual because he had nothing to lose--HE wasn't invested in going forward with you, so there was zero risk for him to offend you by trying to sleep with you early. If you want to believe that you can manipulate the guy into wanting what he demo's that he doesn't want, then you re the one confusing your SELF. You can do that if you wish, it's not against the law, but it's not a great strategy for recognizing the truth and learning from it to make better choices going forward. Head high, we all learn from living.

Deciding whether to socialize isn't an all-or-nothing deal. So it makes no sense to impose discomfort on yourself for not throwing yourself into being a social animal versus getting your feet wet as you see fit over t.i.m.e. My best healing has always come from spending simple time with loving friends and family where I make the time about them, not me. Since I don't feel up for a big demonstration of pretending to be healed and whole, I find myself a bit quieter but more engaged in listening to loved ones in ways that I couldn't HEAR before. There's something about grief that tenderizes us to the feelings of others, and this can usher great bonding experiences with those we've taken for granted. Allow yourself to demonstrate your appreciation for the people in your life who matter, or the people who CAN matter, like neighbors and community, while your ego is on the sidelines. Often it's moving ourselves out of our own way that can teach us things about 'the subtle' that we cannot appreciate when focused on our own business. That's one way that grief can help us stretch beyond ourselves, and we are forever changed. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Sounds like you're reimposing superstition on taking the trip. What do you believe is accurate about a reconciliation proving more compatible in December versus March? If you want to attempt to reconcile then do that. If you don't, then whether or not you take a trip is irrelevant.

Delays can happen when there are key decision makers involved that interrupt the process. I've learned this the hard way, but delays don't always mean a lack of interest. On the hiring side I've been kept on pins and needles by higher-ups while fearing that I could lose my first pick candidates while they delay finalizing. It's a tough process for everyone. Hang in there, and fingers crossed for you!

I wouldn't wind myself in knots over text messages. If I liked a guy and wanted another date, I'd ask him if he'd like to join me on Date, Time for whatever I wanted to do with him. If the answer is no, I'd hang back to learn whether he proposes another time. If not, he wouldn't hear from me again, and if so, I'd see him on our second date. Boom, done. Stop the madness. 🙂

I can't imagine staying involved with anyone who's given me ONE dealbreaker, much less a whole list of them. Nobody here can diagnose GF and tell you how to make her better. You get to decide how long you want to remain in a relationship that you describe as suffocating and 'killing' you. If that's how you want to live, then that's your choice. If you decide you want out, then consider speaking with any one of the domestic violence prevention agencies online to get advice on the the best plan of exit from this person.

Speaking only for myself, nobody else is living my love life FOR me, so nobody else gets a vote. If I found myself surrounded by friends that sound snipey rather than having my best interests at heart, then that would speak of my choice in friendships. I'd take a closer look at that. Meanwhile, I'd be observing my own relationship with this guy in context, and I'd learn over time whether his living situation appears healthy for him and his family, or whether it comes off as dysfunctional. I'd also learn whether this situation supports our relationship versus interfering with it. I'd make my own choices from there.

There's no way that I could keep a crush on anyone who'd be disloyal to a current partner. That's just...yuck. You can keep fooling around with someone who makes a fool of someone else, or you can recognize how unattractive that renders a person--and cure yourself. You get to pick.

There's a big difference between being warm versus prying or acting like a clown. Lot's of degrees between those states. I've worked in tech for many years as a consultant in various corporate cultures. I'm a warm person, and that comes through regardless of how cold any given coworkers might be. If this has ever caused anyone to question my competence, then my competence has won over time, and I've been happier for it. I like the idea of reading the room and conforming to the right degree. However, I've never lost my confidence enough to have lost my smile when I speak or my humor when inspired by a circumstance--and never at anyone's expense. I've come to learn over time that I have the ability to set the climate of my team and my environment. That comes with confidence, which is a learned skill. It's not something to decide ahead of time. That would be an imposition rather than a natural outgrowth of work relationships that become trusting over a course of t.i.m.e. EnjOy your new position, and congrAts! I hope you'll post more to this thread about your experience.

I'd be really disappointed in the judgment of person B, who couldn't wait 5 lousy minutes to ask what the gift was. If I'm A, I'd ask B to return the wrapping to the way it was found, and that's the last I'd say about it to avoid ruining my day if I'm on my way to an event. If this argument represents typical behavior, I'd question how much of an investment I'd want to make in someone who I can't trust to act like an adult. That's just not how I'd want to live.

Oh, honey. I can't imagine what this is doing to you, and I'm holding you and your Mom in my heart. ((((BIG HUG)))), Cat

Sister is not the problem, she's just it's loudest representative. Love is never enough when it comes to someone who is overly enmeshed in a sick family dynamic. This doesn't automatically mean that this guy won't break free, but I'd hold off on any future investment until he demo's the backbone to do so--and he follows through, successfully. Does he also work in a family business? What does BF view as the advantages to buying family property as opposed to any other property? Red flag: if it's all about making 'them' happy, I'd rethink how involved I'd want to remain. How would you feel about committing yourself to living with this guy if he chooses to go ahead and buy this family home?

I would go to the dinner. I've already posted my overreaction to a stupid comment that I could have overlooked and allowed to speak for it's own ignorance. Now is my opportunity to recover while everyone is willing to play nice and overlook it. If I don't take this opportunity, then I'm the one making a monumental mountain out of what I could otherwise treat as a nit and move beyond. If I use this opportunity properly, then I'm making next event doubly difficult. I'd skip that. Whatever 'stress' I want to assign to my dealings is of my own making. I'd skip that, too, and I'd minimize the importance of these people. I'd enjoy pleasantries at face value for my husband's sake. I'd stop projecting expectations onto IL's, and I'd overlook anything I'm tempted to interpret as snide. I'd quit choosing so many mental battles, and instead, I'd just rise above the battlefield--to peace. I'd consider that some grandmothers are 'grandmas' while others are 'auntie mame' types that just aren't all that interested in babies. Sure they might fake it for those they wish to impress, but close family gets to see the reality of their disinterest. Some 'mame-types' start bonding as the child starts developing a bit more into personhood, others will keep arms length until the child grows into someone resembling an adult with whom this person can relate. Others, still, may just never really bond, and that speaks of them, not your child. It's fortunate that you're gifted with a far friendlier and more loving family. For your husband's sake, don't project that onto husband's family and complain when they won't rise to that bar. Head high, minimize the importance you place on husband's family, and always allow HIM to deal with them--and without your influence. You and he both will thank you for that later.