catfeeder

It's just the next excuse on top of the last one you used. When a relationship no longer works for you, THAT is the point at which it no longer works for you. Projecting a breakup date into the future beyond that point only prolongs the misery and keeps that person tied to you for reasons of YOUR own. Ever notice how you feel euphoric after, say, a difficult dental or medical procedure is over? That's the liberation you are denying yourself. The ending may not be such a relief to her, but it IS the kindest and most beneficial thing you can do for her to start learning how to build her own future--over which YOU will no longer be involved. Could that be the real thing holding you back--do you need her to need you? Or, do you really need her regardless of not being happy about it?

I see and appreciate your struggle to hear the comments rather than automatically dismiss them, and it's natural for defense to be our default reaction to disagreements. It's all okay. Support is not an all-or-nothing deal. Sometimes it p's us off. This is the stuff of experiences that not only teach each of us, but these outcomes position us to best help the next person through it. And you will be that person for the next person you care about who can't see their own blind spot. It's easy to get stuck on the one quick moment of a guy being smug with you--I get that. But it's not the problem. It's a symptom of a larger problem, and it might be helpful to view that guy through the lens of a messenger who 'life conspired' to send you. He represents the finger-wagging neighbor who yells to all of the kids, 'Sure, it's fun and games until somebody gets hurt!" Then Johnny gets a stick in his eye because he didn't heed the warning. If your fevered panic in the mall was representative of how you drove behind the wheel, you can possibly put those pieces together and understand that this is NOT about the guy. It's about your need to slow down and heed the rights of others who are just living their lives and NOT imposing aggression on others in public places--because that is NOT acceptable--because someone CAN be harmed by that, despite your intentions. Warnings first come in whispers. Then they come in barriers. Then they come with a sledgehammer. Heed the warning, and avoid needing a sledgehammer to alter your life FOR you. Head high--and we ARE on your side.

Yes. This is less about training myself back into civility when in a panic, and more about recognizing that not only does the rest of the world not 'owe' me any behaviors that would cater to my self-entitlement, but rather, my lack of checking self control can only put myself and those unfortunate enough to be around me in danger. Panic is irrational and must be dealt with BEFORE a life-altering accident happens as a consequence. There is no justification for aggression while behind the wheel or toward other pedestrians while on foot. It's a direct cause of criminal outcomes--whether by provocation or by accident. So getting REAL about that rather than spinning and fuming to justify it is not just the mature and rational thing to do, it's the only way to stay out of eventual jail or bankruptcy. I just took my elderly mother out to a mall today. As we approached an escalator, she froze and said, I can't step on that. Had I been holding onto my Mom during that ride while some self-entitled brat decided that a measly few seconds were more important than our safety, I can't say that I would have responded kindly, either. Panic puts others at risk, and if you sense that they do not respond well to it, you may want to consider WHY--and sit with that for a while. I can only promise you that you will thank yourself, sooner rather than later, for changing your lens on this issue. That man did you a favor. Seize it.

You recognize that you're triggered, so that's a good thing. It means that just as you can talk yourself into over-personalizing the interaction, you can also talk yourself into de-personalizing it by making whoever-she-was irrelevant. For instance, what if it was a nurse or dietary aid who had answered and reported that your father had finally reached a state of comfortable sleep, which they did not want to disturb. Would you be okay about ringing back later? Remember the purpose of your call--to comfort HIM with the fact that you are thinking of him and wishing him well. The rest is noise and can be dealt with later. Accomplish your main goal first. You'll have plenty of time to deal with the emotional stuff later. Write more if it helps, and head high. You can do this!

I'd ask myself, if the guy had been balancing on the step with a walker or cane, would I have still insisted that he destabilize himself to let me pass? How can I know whether someone on an escalator is in pain or strong enough on their feet or in their vision to maneuver without risk--just because I've opted not to control my own impulses to possibly cause harm to another on a notoriously dangerous machine? Or, I'd try this: The people in front of me on an escalator have just as much right to be there as I do, and unless I'm willing to drop my self-centeredness for long enough to ride the thing with others safely, then I present a danger to us all, and I really have a LESSER right than they do to be there. This is the kind of stuff I use on myself to step out of my own way and staaaap personalizing the world around me.

How can a complete stranger make you feel worthless, when he or she doesn't even KNOW you? Why would you project that much power onto a total stranger?

I like this ^^^. No need to turn this into a 'case'.

You haven't even overcome the first things that broke you up, so his vaccination status is irrelevant. Don't distract yourself from the real problem.

First step in liberation from bitterness is Self kindness. Objectively, I don't view anything you've believed or done as 'stupid'. You are a bright woman who worked in a culture of high toxicity, and you suffered a devastating loss, for which my heart goes out to you. You responded to the loss with a move toward self-preservation by removing yourself from the toxic soup. The toxic boss, who not-so-incidentally created or sustained this culture, was the only one to even acknowledge your loss, and he offered overtures of kindness from a position of authority. When you recognized that this created a different kind of toxicity for you and operated once again out of self-preservation, the guy pulled back his attention and took his offers of help off the table. What we don't know is, were those offers merely over-compensation in the form of some view of himself as a 'savior' that he would have forgotten about anyway, or was he making overtures to lure you sexually, only to drop you once he recognized that he set himself up for legal trouble? Either way, HE is beside the point--the place was full of bullies, one of which was him. While no doubt such a place is traumatic for anyone, it's especially no place for one who is grieving. None of this makes you 'stupid,' it makes you smart and resilient for getting your Self OUT of there. Hold your head high, and keep writing more if it helps. Most of us encounter at least one "DON'T" model of awful companies at some point in our lives. We can torture ourselves about it, or we can take pride in our ability to recognize such a culture and GET OUT OF THERE. I vote for you to adopt pride rather than bitterness. Which do you believe would serve you better? Head high.

While I think it's healthy to build different kinds and degrees of friendships and acquaintanceships that meet different needs, speaking only for myself, I get only ONE lover--at least at a time. So for me, the term 'simpatico' means everything. That's someone who 'gets me'. Unless I feel THAT kind of click with a potential lover, then I'm not willing to participate beyond whichever date spells out for me--even if it's a first meeting--that I could never enjoy true simpatico with this person. If you're comfortable being single, then you're not desperate enough to try to make mismatched puzzle pieces fit. You won't string anyone along, because you get that dating is not an obligation, it's voluntary, and it's THE time to get to know someone well enough to learn whether you're a great match--or not. Allow bad matches to pass early.

Some people like to learn from hindsight, while others dive right back in to live out trial and error. The problem with leapfrogging from one relationship to another is, there's no gap for hindsight. And hindsight is like a magic onion of layers and layers of insight--and foresight. Skipping hindsight leads to blundering around, never knowing, exactly, what the mistakes actually are. You will develop a far, far better and more astute talent for discretion the longer you allow for patience in some solitude. You'll not only learn WHY you don't need to leapfrog straight into another relationship right away, but more importantly, HOW going solo for a while can make you relax and become less susceptible to love-bombing from freaks and manipulators. Embrace the learning that will occur naturally by backing off and trusting yourself solo. It's like uncovering a blind spot, and nobody else can do this FOR you. Head high, we all live by learning--but only if we pipe down and relax long enough to 'see' the lessons.

Who is the audience? The offices are likely to welcome any openings as they usually have waiting lists of people who want the care before the year end. So 'sound reasonable' to whom? (((HUGS))), Cat

I would not do that. I'd break up with BF because our relationship doesn't work for me and I want out. There would be nothing productive or necessary in telling him a word about my ex.

That album WAS a symbolic gift. A thoughtful and lovely one. If I help someone, it's because I want to. It's a gift, not a contract. Inside, I trust that my generosity will be paid FORward, not 'back'. The only way that I could justify my time and efforts as a gift would be to never mention it in any context beyond telling this person after an accomplishment how proud I am FOR them (rather than OF them, to avoid claiming any ownership of their accomplishment). Either I'm all-in, or I'm a pass, regarding anything I wish to give. Beyond that, I don't think of it as 'my' effort, I think of it as supporting someone else's effort--to make of what they will. Head high, good karma is rarely instant--so don't look for it.

My heart goes out to you for your loss of your Mother. There is nothing about this keyboarder that comes off as worthy of meeting, much less spending time building fantasies about. Involving yourself emotionally with a stranger on your screen spells enough dissatisfaction in your own life to reach for the distraction of fantasy. As you've noticed, the fantasies you build 'about' a total stranger can wreck your head, because the mundane stuff of real life pales in comparison to the bright and exciting stuff you can make up in your own mind. You'll need the discipline to redirect your focus onto exploring whatever real life interests or talents you've been neglecting to develop. On top of that, dealing with grief is always harder than reaching for fantasy. So consider reaching for therapeutic help or a support group, or ANY means of moving your focus onto tending to your real life. This cyber 'thing' is just a symptom of a larger problem. Otherwise, you would not be susceptible to it. Write more if it helps, and trust that we all learn by living.

Are you all still in school together? That's the only scenario where nobody can help but cross paths with one another. Beyond that or shared children, there's no way that I'd stay involved with anyone who has voluntarily re-involved himself with an ex. That's not moralistic finger-wagging, it's practical. I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be comfortable with it, either. And what is a relationship for? To build us UP, not make us feel lousy. I'd view this through a different lens. It's not about playing cool to keep a guy who is doing what I secretly feel is disloyal in order to not come off as controlling....skip that. My lens would present this question to myself clearly: is this how I want to feel, and is this how I want to live? My answer would be NO, and so, I'd tell BF that I realize he can do whatever he wants, and if he wants to be involved with his ex again, he can certainly go do that, but I need to walk away while we all still think highly of one another. And I'd mean it. Head high.

Dear Limichelle, Yay, YOU!!! Just as nobody deserves assault, nobody deserves the degree of suffering that they don't know how to avoid inflicting on themselves afterward. You ARE resilient, and you are finding--and working--your own path, and you are inspiring. Whenever you have a not-so-great day, remind yourself that we ALL have not-so-great times, and you are allowed to view any such moments as 'stuff' you will navigate in your own time. It's never 'backsliding,' as nothing can take your progress away from you. It's always just unhealed places speaking their truth, and it's okay to not be perfect all of the time. Healing is a process, and each and every stage of it matters--and not just to you. Every step you take in the right direction gives you the strength of experience to help the next person. Every time you post here, you have no idea how many people you help. Thank you for thinking of us! Cat

I would have just said, "Okay," and met her for our meal. Why make her feel lousy, when I can just return the gift or give it to someone else? I'd be more annoyed with myself for not being gracious enough to let her off the hook. As for why she would raise exchanging gifts? Maybe she had the warm and fuzzies for you at that moment and it sounded like a good idea. Once the wine wore off, she wanted to kick herself. We all do stupid stuff sometimes. I'd go and enjoy your time together, and don't allow small stuff to blind your generosity of spirit and your reasons for loving this friend. THAT is what matters.

In general, depressed people rarely make good lovers. In general, depressed people rarely make love. Basing your self esteem on the love and affection and sex drive of a depressive is like tossing your SELF into a trash can, and then blaming him because you won't step out of the thing. Depression being an actual chemical (and therefore physical) condition, asking a depressive to raise their bar on making you feel sexy and valued and loved is like asking someone with a broken leg to climb a mountain. So given that depression is a condition that slows the body and mind to varying degrees, some depressives can't muster the energy to work or even bathe. Others with milder depression white-knuckle their way through daily actions and some can even hide their condition from others. But not everyone who is depressed is negative. Some depressed people have been able to claw their way out of situational depression before it turns chronic. They do this largely based on holding optimism and a belief that they can do it, regardless of whether they use medication or not. However, the fact that this guy heaps negativity on top of his depression is a double-whammy that does not bode well for his ability to ever offer you the happiness and sunlight you want and deserve from a partner. So while none of this makes the guy a villain, it also doesn't make him good relationship material. You resent him for any sex being on his terms, but those are the only terms by which he's capable of 'performing'. Lots of depressives, if they own any sexual desire at all, tend to opt for masturbation rather than a lover because there is no pressure to 'perform' for another. You can resent this guy for wasting your child-bearing years, or you can get clear about who is actually wasting this time. All relationship being voluntary, what you see IS (and has always been) what you get with this guy, and unless he demo's a willingness and an ability to get--and work--the help he needs, it is not HE who is wasting your time. My heart goes out to you, and write more if it helps.

My quick and easy fix would be to mind my own business. Nobody owes me reporting on their private love lives. These are colleagues, and they each own the right to keep their own personal involvements to themselves. Just because someone asks me a question, that does not obligate me to answer it. I'd flip that around and accept that just because I ask someone a question, that does not obligate them to answer to me. I'd be friendly at work and whenever our paths cross, but I'd keep my eyes on my own paper. Head high, and focus on finding someone else to date.

I dunno, when I'm in a bad mood, I'm still careful not to come out sideways on the people around me. I might be kind and engage a bit of small talk, say, when someone first comes home. But then if I want to be alone, I'd just say, "I hope you don't mind, I'm feeling a need to be quiet for a while, and I'd like to go onto my bed and read for a bit." There's no need to come off as hostile only to resent a person for not responding well to that. If you're not happy living with someone, consider a plan to live alone.

It's not that high-self esteem won't 'attract' predators, predators will try ANYone. Self esteem is the one thing that immunizes you against them. You'll recognize them and walk away instead of engaging them. Advice from Grandma: "The problem isn't that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't think enough of yourself to avoid picking up the snake to play with it." Head high, and keep on moving forward.

Yuck. And nope. The guy sounds like a snot, and I probably wouldn't have tolerated his self-entitled cruelty beyond date 1--if that long. You will thank yourself sooner rather than later if you'll raise your bar, and drop anyone even remotely like this guy EARLY. Head high, we all learn by living.

For the record, I view this kind of statement as crude and abusive, and it has no place in this forum. That's my spine talking.

I'll come back after thinking about the 'guard up' question, but no, it was not too much to mention losing your job. It's factual, and if you can't discuss realistic facts, then all else is pretty irrelevant right now. I did want to offer what I'd say to my Mom if she responded to my talk with an ex the way yours has. I'd tell her, "I appreciate you caring enough to be invested in how much this breakup has hurt me. So please keep that concern about hurting me in mind when you speak to me, because by showing deliberate disrespect for gender pronouns, you are also showing disrespect toward ME. And that hurts me a lot coming from you." "Also, you may want to consider how it disadvantages not only me, but you, when you believe that you can impose conditions on my future choices and behaviors by acting out and being mean to me. The message that sends is that I cannot confide in you without consequences, and that is going to make me tell you LESS about my life and my thinking rather than more--so understand that those consequences only harm both ways."