catfeeder

Hello Cynder, sorry you're feeling lousy. How long was Ex broken up with C before she was involved with you? Given that Ex was voluntarily making plans to build a life with you right up until she bolted, this doesn't wreak of her running straight back to C due to some perceived deficiency in you. Instead, it sounds like what people who are unhappy with themselves often do: they leapfrog around. Since their current situation hasn't magically healed them, they back up to retrace their steps to the last fork in their road to learn whether the other road might have been hiding their cure. While this may not have been her intention at the time she fled your place, over time she may have wondered whether rejecting C's controls could have been where she went wrong. So she explored that only to re-learn that, no, C really was intolerable. She may need to back up even further to learn that there really were no magical cures that she missed somewhere along the line.

My heart goes out to you. Why do you believe she's so angry?

Never a good idea to talk a date into ANYthing. When there's resistance, it's a no. Respect that, and consider getting to know your dates on a human level before trying to get sexual in any way.

No. That's the kind of convo that would only make her REALLY uncomfortable. Just back off, and stop being pushy. Over time the rest will fall back into place. People are stressed around the holidays, and attempts to take more of their time only add to that stress. She's being kind, but since you recognize what you've been doing, just do her a favor and just stop doing it. Head high, and read my sig.

Welcome, Denise. Your story is inspiring, and thank you.

I wouldn't be attracted to someone who didn't make my son a priority over flirting or who'd keep other patients waiting for his own agenda. I'd find a new doctor, then I'd report him.

I would NOT do it. Once you take the job, there's no way out without hard feelings, and it could really hurt the son. Unless you are wild about spending the rest of your adult life in this career, at this location, there is no way that I'd even consider it. I'd thank friend for considering me, but I don't consider the role something I'm trained for or could do for the long haul. Hold out to find something that is socially, emotionally and developmentally fulfilling. If you can't afford to wait for that, take a temp job you can exit at will. You will thank yourself later.

Other than my closest work friends, I'd limit gift giving to cards, even if that.

How did you find out who she is? That's your starting point for finding ways you can be introduced to her or socialize with some mutual friends over time. Key word is 't.i.m.e.' because if you try to rush this, you'll come off as creepy rather than desirable. Be patient, and learn ways to get to know her before acting out, or you'll blow it.

Don't you envision yourself with someone who 'get's you'? Look up the word 'simpatico'. Hold out for that with someone, and you will thank yourself. This guy is not HIM.

You can form crushes in another workplace, too. So speaking only for myself, it's never made sense for me to believe myself powerless over my own focus and allow a crush to dictate my professional life. If I want to be honest, I ALONE own the power to avoid conflating any given workplace with my personal life. I'M the one who is in charge of the lens through which I'd only find another crush somewhere else unless I can address the issues that cause the behavior. I started observing my myself and my motivations through a more objective lens: Was I finding ways to get closer to this crush? I fessed up and nixed those. What concerted efforts could I make to develop friendships and interests outside of the workplace? In your case, could you ask spouse to work with you to find other couples in your neighborhood to befriend and enjoy? Could you join a cause, a club, a parent's group, or another form of social commitment where you develop confidence in your self discipline and what you model for others--including your children? I'd also join couples counseling right away, and if the counselor didn't assign us homework to pursue happier, more social and more productive couple activities, I'd join with partner to assign those to ourselves--OR I'd find a better counselor. Healing is not for spectators, it requires our participation. We are less susceptible to forming crushes when we avoid the kind of passivity that seeks out a 'rescue'. Head high, and write more if it helps.

While it's good that you recognized rebound territory, did you stick around to play in that sandbox, or did you walk away telling her that you like her and she can let you know when she's dating material in the future? If you stuck around, then you are, already, her rebound distraction, and you'll just keep getting the same answer from her for as long as you're willing to be her band-aid. Instead of waiting, I'd tell her that I like her, but I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. She can take all the time she needs to deal with her past or get comfortable solo, and if she ever finds herself up for exploring a committed relationship with you, she can let you know. If you're still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up. Head high, and respect yourself.

Ding! Ding! Ding! DinG! The problem for me would be less about where I stand with this guy and more about why I'd commit this much of my time to someone with whom I feel discomfort speaking openly. I believe in pre-date (first meeting) or first date disclosure about my own agenda and reasons for dating: I'm seeking simpatico and eventually a committed relationship with someone who 'gets me' and is willing to share intimate parts of himself and his life with me, just as I'm willing to do. I'd ask questions and listen and learn early whether he's dating for the same reasons as me, and whether he's a possible match for me--or not. If not, I'd enjoy the rest of our date, but it would be our last, as I don't believe in trying to 'convert' anyone. If I'm dating someone who's agenda aligns with mine, then do we enjoy 'simpatico?' If not, that's another dealbreaker for me. If so, then open communication would be continual and include subjects such as our dating likes and dislikes, who pays and reciprocity, feelings on affection and sex and our internal timelines or standards for degrees of intimacy, feelings on controversial things like religion and politics, needs for alone time, family and social life and comfort with including another in those areas--and when. None of these subjects would be off limits. So finding yourself in a rigidly distanced companionship with someone makes no sense. RAISE THE SUBJECTS YOU WONDER ABOUT. If you believe that this relationship is too fragile for that, then what should that tell you? Head high, we all learn through living.

Why ask us, when you can just ask your friend if she'd be willing to introduce you?

Self absorption. "I" had a dream, so YOU should cater to my brain fart. Sorry to sound dismissive, but I just don't find anything impressive about a guy who'd tell a new girl that he has trouble remaining faithful to his current relationship. That's like saying, "I openly own the capacity to be self-serving and disloyal, so do you want to be my GF?" Ick. Sounds like you both had a love affair with HIM.

I can only speak for myself, so this doesn't attempt to tell you what you 'should' do. Either I can trust someone, or I cannot. That fact becomes clear when I'm honest with My Self. Sure, I may WANT to trust someone who my gut tells me that I can NOT, but trying to fool myself about that becomes it's own form of torture. Same is true the other way around. Either someone trusts me, or he does not. His behaviors will tell me clearly which is the case, and I can either suffer the anxiety of fooling myself about that, or not. At some point with either of these scenarios, my tipping point will become apparent, and the biggest question becomes, "Is this how I want to live?" That quality of life question supersedes all else. Some people are best loved from far away. Peace and the inspirational possibility of finding someone with whom I'll enjoy simpatico and in whom I'll have no doubts about love AND loyalty are more important to me than holding onto someone who causes me pain and distress. As I grow older, that choice becomes easier and faster. My ability to rule out bad matches has become a no-brainer because I've built a foundational happiness solo. Trading peace and happiness and future possibilities for someone who causes me anxiety makes no sense to me.

Speaking only for myself, if someone I wanted to date ever said something like this to me, he'd be history. There would be nothing complicated about that.

When someone shows you that they own a capacity for disloyalty, believe it.

Why tell him anything at all? Your answer is no, and he's going to need to accept that regardless of not 'liking' it. I'd refuse to be bullied into trying to 'sell' him the idea that I don't want to date him. No means no.

I like this ^^^, but rather than make it about taking a break, could you possibly use a FB post to redirect people to find you on another site?

So he's already got a rep among your co-workers, and you get to decide how much of your own participation you'd want to disclose to HR versus keeping the mistake private while the guy eventually hangs himself. Speaking only for myself, I'd take the the priceless lesson learned about dating coworkers, and I'd put my eyes back on my own paper to focus on building my career through professionalism. Head high, we all learn from living.

My heart goes out to you. One thing to remember about bullies is that their behavior speaks of them, not you. It's natural for your after-struggle to include fantasies of launching the best possible comeback to put them in their place, but that only speaks to your discomfort in your own behavior for having not transformed into some super-power that can 'fix' what's wrong with THEM. You simply can't. So let yourself off of that hook. You'll never change people who view themselves as so fundamentally inferior that they must resort to abusing others who they secretly view as superior. Attempts to respond to them would only position you as a bigger target, because bullies who befriend bullies to build themselves up can only boost their own perceived value by showing off in front of the other bullies. So don't play. Winning that war is not only just a fantasy, it targets the wrong problem. Your problem is not them--they are their own problem. Your best revenge is that they will always have to BE them. Your job is to hold your head up, and if your paths cross again, you can smile knowingly, trust that they won't ever disappoint in displaying their own perceived inferiority, and make your escape as quickly as possible without saying a word. Boom! Done. The faster you can teach yourself how to minimize the importance of these people rather than inflate it, the quicker you WIN. So that's where I'd work with your therapist. I'd write down the most self-shaming things you've been too resistant to disclose, and I'd challenge myself to reveal at least one of those things per session. I'd create a reward system for treating myself after each session that I disclose, and I'd include a giant bonus for the courage and self-accountability to actually TELL the therapist your plans for this challenge. This, along with a goal of minimizing the importance of these bullies, will reduce your shame in direct proportion to the empowerment you will feel from your successes. Head high, and write more if it helps. You don't need to suffer this stuff alone.

Sorry to say this, but you're already repeating yourself, and he's not going to stop. BF knows he can just keep fooling you because you want so badly to believe him. Even though he's done this before, you were primed and ready to go after this second girl or third or fourth to show her that you're even more gullible than she is. Getting angry isn't going to control anybody. BF is going to do whatever he wants to do, and if all he needs to do to get away with it is let you rail and fume for a while, then that's a small price to pay for going straight back to messing around with the next girl.

Well, since you withheld evidence of your interest, he likely read that as disinterest, and then, boom! Done. If you're not willing to be encouraging by matching a guy's slightest show of interest with your own, then you're going to seriously limit your dating pool--by a lot. What, exactly, IS the big risk of letting someone know you're interested? I mean, what's the worst that can happen? (...that isn't happening already...) The easiest way that I learned how to demonstrate interest is to treat potential dates with the same degree of welcoming curiosity that I treat most new people I meet. I'm warm, I ask open ended questions to encourage them to talk about themselves, and I observe how enthusiastically they are willing to engage. Sure, some people are distracted by other things at a party or event and may not engage to the degree that kicks off big simpatico, but in essence, I've risked ZERO. I've offered kind attention that might pick up and pay off later, or at the very least, I've made a new acquaintance that will either blossom someday or be forgotten. No harm, no foul. Head high, and consider, exactly, what you're afraid of.

He showed his true colors all the way back at the very first time he asked you for money. That's what we are all trying to tell you. That's not acceptable--EVER. That would have been the time to not only guard your wallet, but to get thee to a ladies room, call someone you trust to come to your location, and walk away with your trusted person safely to never take so much as a message or a phone call from this guy ever again. AND, from the safety of your trusted companion's home or that person in yours, Google then contact your local domestic violence agency to speak with a disinterested counselor to learn how to guard yourself against a potential stalker--because ANYone who would come into your life and ask for money is not just 'unacceptable,' he's a mental case and potentially dangerous. If your coaches and therapist have not said these things to you, they are worthless and also taking your money while offering no value. It means they don't want to risk offending you so that their gravy train isn't halted. Consider finding a better 'support' system--one in which you are being supported rather than supporting 'yes' people around you. Head high, and write more if it helps.