catfeeder

I'd keep things friendly but stop making any plans to see him outside of school. If he invites you, just turn him down and say you don't have the time these days.

Anyone who's experimenting with going off of their meds is just not relationship material at that time. This doesn't make him a villain, he's just not stable enough to be in a relationship. If you can't tell whether your own trust issues are interfering with your ability to know whether someone is behaving suspiciously or whether you are projecting leftover stuff onto them, then you're smart to get help.

Where do you get that? Nobody's making you out to be a villain--we're just trying to caution you against making the guy into one.

If someone were to offer you a million dollars, would you be able to identify the reason why your mother is so upset with you? From there, decide whether developing an eating disorder and emotional problems are worth putting pride in front of a simple apology. Your mental safety net can be that instead of playing the villain in your family, you can go with the flow until you earn enough money to move out on your own. None of this suggestion is to invalidate your position or your feelings, but rather, it's a challenge to recognize whether you have the resilience to survive and thrive regardless of what others think of you in order to achieve your own eventual ends. Head high, think long range, and write more if it helps.

If someone were to tell me that they were only 10% in with me, I'd be gone. So the rest would be irrelevant. Just because someone who dumped you is sorry for how they treated you, that doesn't automatically make them good relationship material today. Some people are just messed up. As a grown adult, you have the observation skills to recognize that. If you choose not to use those skills, well, look what happens. I'm sorry you're hurting, but learning some discretion power could be a great outcome from this if you're willing to do that. Head high. We all learn from living.

You're learning the hard way that attempting to leapfrog over to some 'savior' isn't going to liberate you. Anyone who would take up with someone who is already married or in a LTR isn't exactly of reliable character. BUT, he's doing you a favor by jerking you around. He's teaching you the importance of standing on your own. Address your current relationship on its own merits. Either you're in that, or you're out--and if you need help getting out, contact a woman's shelter for counseling and a plan, or reach out to your local hospital's social service department for a referral to a case worker who can help you leave safely and address any financial barriers to making your exit. From there, you'll build the confidence to use discretion in who, exactly, you'll allow into your life. Someone who is unreliable won't rank with you, much less become someone you'd count on for a total life change. Head high, we all learn from living.

Oh, this is progress. It feels pretty lousy, doesn't it? (((HUG))) Hang in there, Kat, and stay with the therapy. Let it get messy. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable and unhealed during this time. If you can be brave and keep walking, it will clear up, and you will thank yourself later. You're right on target for your age. People tend to believe that adolescence lasts until age 18, but the fact is, we don't outgrow it until our mid 20's. So you're coming 'of age' and you're experiencing growing pains--of the body along with the brain synapses of emotional awareness and tuning. One thing that helped me break the cycle of low self-respect prompting a boredom and a ditch of anyone who would be low enough to think highly of me was this metaphor I heard from a speaker on trying to market yourself to the masses, hoping that someone of importance will see you and validate your worth: "People standing on city streets seeking a taxi will only notice the cars with their service lights ON. This doesn't de-value cars that are driving under that radar--they're just operating outside of that scope. So decide whether you are trying to SELL to passengers who want to use you for a ride, or whether you prefer to trust that people who can see and appreciate your unique value--the few who will 'get you'--are the ones who will offer you true simpatico and become part of your life." So question: who, exactly, do you admire--and why? The 'why' is really important, because if its about buzz and followers, go beyond the superficial and get clear about what matters to you. Being 'alone' is not a sentence, it's a right of passage. People who fear that state fear the very growth that will liberate them from people-pleasing and desperation to cling onto others. Once you can reach some comfort with yourself solo, you will amaze yourself with your resilience and discretion in who you'll regard as a good match for you versus the many you'll allow to drop away early. Most people will become a 'no,' or at very best, an acquaintance. This is just natural odds. Very few people make good matches, as friends or as lovers, because very few people offer the simpatico that views us through the right lens. That just speaks of their limits rather than of any reflection on you. Your value already exists. You don't need to 'earn' it, you just need to learn how to appreciate it over t.i.m.e. The more you can do this, the more you will trust your own judgment on who really belongs in your life--and you will grasp that most of the people do not. Head high.

Dear Cynder, No, the world would not be a better place without you. Sometimes we need to fly on instruments when we can't 'see' our own value at any given time. I caught a line in a TV skit where one friend says, "Nobody appreciates me," and the other friend replied, "Of course we do! I appreciate you," and the first friend responds, "Now see? That doesn't do it for me..." Sometimes we just don't feel like we matter to the RIGHT people. I understand that you were dealt a really difficult hand and there are times when you feel exhausted. While you're not alone in that, it's also true that nobody else's pain diminishes our own. Nobody else's perceived value diminishes our own, either. In this age of digital boasting, it can feel like so many people have charmed lives while we struggle with a huge gap between our vision for ourselves and our reality--or worse, we've lost the ability to envision anything promising at all. I don't claim that aura or spirit readers are hooey, but I believe that they can project degrees of superstition and ignorance onto their perceptions that are hardly helpful. Carrying the metaphoric darkness or demons of your upbringing only speaks of your resilience rather than saying anything at all about your intrinsic value. Hang in here with us, Cynder. Our most painful times tend to blind us to anything but pain, and our ability to appreciate the simplest joys is temporarily squelched. These are the times to reach for your pride in resilience and to trust that there will be joys again if you can just keep moving. (((HUG))), Cat

My heart goes out to you, and I'm sorry about your stress and your folks. Getting help is not selfish, it's one of the smartest and kindest things you can do. Seeking help from a professional actually relieves both you and your family of a burden, because it allows someone who is trained in this stuff to offer you some options while still allowing you to choose how they can best help you. If you're like most people, you don't know HOW to go about getting help, or you're too afraid to approach someone you know. That's why calling a suicide prevention hotline is a great idea. They can ask just enough information to find the right help for you. Write more if it helps, we're on your side.

What I'd take from his message is, "I'm not relationship material right now. I'm too sick, and I'm just trying to survive." Finding offense in that wouldn't even occur to me. I'd be more concerned with whether or not he actually CAN survive. The last thing I'd want to do is come off as angry at someone for being too sick to deal with me. Maybe not everything is about me?

If you're in school, that's a sandbox where everybody switches places until they find their long term fit OR until they're bored playing on campus and start dating outside. Whenever I had my eye on someone who was focused elsewhere, I just figured I'd either have my turn someday, or not. I did NOT try to pull his attention my way. I could see how obvious that was when people tried it on others, and I didn't want to embarrass myself like that. I learned over time that turning my focus onto other guys did bring me happiness, and I was able to put my crush on a back burner. Over time I forgot about him. By the time he sought me out, I wasn't as interested. I dated him, but I could see beyond the rose glasses I'd worn earlier, and he was no big thrill.

I would not lay this on anyone. It sounds manipulative--like you're setting up a trauma over an imagined thing. Well, nobody can do anything with that but feel creeped out--so don't do it. Instead, I'd just tell her the truth about having just worked through a family issue and realizing how important it is to tell the people who matter in your life how much you appreciate them. Beyond that, just keep working with her on your group and in it, and if an appropriate time opens up, ask her if she'd like to grab a coffee or a walk with you. It's best to learn over time whether someone who is important to your over-all social life might be attracted to you beyond a friendship. Intensity could scare the woman away, so I'd avoid going there. Instead, I'd test whether she'd be open to seeing you to any degree outside of the group. If not, then there's your answer--and don't push it. If so, then don't overplay that with intensity. Keep the 'flow' you're both enjoying.

My heart goes out to you, and I'm sorry for your pain. Consider why diagnosing her is important to you. Would it give you some peace to believe that something is 'wrong' with her? If so, you can do that--it's not against the law. It's just not really useful in bringing you closer to the kind of answers that could actually help you to move forward with any degree of confidence in your own resilience. A breakup, in and of itself, is the real message. You could opt to make that about devaluing yourself, OR, you could read it as, "She doesn't own the capacity to view me through the right lens. And I deserve simpatico with someone who really 'gets me'." So she spared you a bad match. You didn't waste your time, you enjoyed what could be enjoyed with someone who owns her limits--but she wasn't your real match, and when you're ready, you will find THAT person. Head high, and make it your private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this fabulously. This doesn't dismiss your legitimate grief, but it does set you up to look FORward instead of backward, and your best revenge is to find your own path to happiness.

You could take some pressure off of yourself by going through the application process as a 'placeholder'. Once accepted, THEN decide whether you'll actually pursue the courses--and if so, which semester you'll want to begin. Meanwhile, start fresh on questioning which degree you might want to pursue, and why. Since your trajectory has changed, so might your ideas about what you'll want to study--or not. Reconsidering, say, the concentration could open up new pathways from what you'd been thinking before. Also, I don't buy into the whole 'now or never' theory. That's a self imposed threat based on echoes from others, and it's not always accurate. Nobody else is living your future for you, so nobody else gets a vote. I left my bachelor's half completed in my 20s and resumed it in my 30's. By my mid 40's I'd completed 2 associate's, a bachelor's and a master's. I wasn't motivated in my 20's, but a decade later I was on fire and carried a 4.0 through the rest of school. What was barely palatable in my 20's I ended up loving in my 30's. Head high. Whatever you choose will be right for YOU.

Yep, and if not, does it really matter? Decide how you want to live. If suspicion and mistrust isn't part of that vision, then good riddance to this guy.

This powerless victim spiel is just the lie you enjoy telling yourself. You're a grown man. Now you've set yourself up for blackmail, so you'd be wise to get out in front of that by being honest with your wife. She's going to find out from what's-her-name anyway.

A caring and loving partner wouldn't be dismissive of your concerns, but rather willing to work out these important details of a shared future until you reach an agreement. Since he's lied to you before, I'd want that agreement in writing--but my larger question would be whether I'd really want to get married to him. Once you're bound, it's hell to get out. If he flips the table and turns into a bully about religion or children, what will you do then?

When what you do doesn't work, change what you do. Stop explaining yourself. As you've noticed, no excuse works with her, it's just more information she regards as an invitation to share in your life. Quit doing that, and stop taking her calls. Respond to her text with, "I find you too demanding, and I don't want to continue this friendship." Then block her. If she ever stalks you, give her one warning from behind a closed door that leaving now will spare her from dealing with the police.

Whoa. I'd take a step back, Jack. She didn't even need to say that she forgives you. So quit while you're ahead. The only person who can help you to feel better about yourself is you. It might help to recognize that we ALL make mistakes, and most of them aren't all that memorable to anyone else. Blip on the radar of life. So you can make healing easier on yourself, or you can make it more difficult by drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of and imposing further insult on a woman who owes you nothing. If you believe that choosing misery over healing will somehow influence this woman, or keep her tied to you in some way, that's a mistake. Head high, and make a better choice.

Decide whether you intend to pursue anything, or not. If so, don't turn it into a suicide mission with some tawdry confession, just ask her if she'd like to meet you for lunch next weekend. If so, then see her a bit outside of family gatherings and see if it turns into anything worthwhile. If she says okay but then is never available or she says no, the you'll be clear that she's uncomfortable with the idea, and there's your answer. From there you'll know how to behave going forward. Using narratives like this won't help. You can talk yourself into making this a catastrophe, or you can decide that you're adult enough to handle it--and behave accordingly. Everybody needs to deal with crushes. Turning them into mental disasters is NOT a coping strategy, it's the perfect way to sink yourself. Head high, make a decision, then make yourself proud by how well you can handle it. Surprise yourself!

How long have you been unhappy in this relationship, and why do you stay?

If a BF ever said this to me, he'd be history.

I agree with your father--stop trying to mediate. It makes wife furious with you, and it rewards your mother for bad behavior by giving her your attention for it. Even negative attention is attention, and parents can be as manipulative as children--only they're better at it. Figure out ways to bribe wife for cooperating, and one of those bribes can be an agreement to fewer visits or for shorter periods of time--or both. When wife vents, listen and don't try to correct her. You'll get far less resistance if wife feels understood and backed up by you instead of being told she's over-reacting. Tell her how proud you are of her for raising your children to have a good relationship with ALL of their grandparents, and learn from wife what she wants to make this easier on her.

It's not like jumping into a car and being there in 45. You've got airport ticketing and security and waiting...and waiting. In a pandemic. Add that to conflicting schedules, and sure--ya might be able to pull off meeting somewhere--once. But then where does this thing go? A major part of getting to know someone is learning how well that person will integrate into your life and you into theirs. Real life--not an occasional vacation bubble romance where the outside world stops and you're able to enjoy ideal conditions for a week or so. And those conditions tend to prematurely sexualize things long before you'd have actually been ready under real life conditions. Which can blind you to important things. Compatibility is about real people synching in simpatico in real life. Texting, Zooming, FaceTiming--those are not dating. LDR's build fantasies, and while those can be fun, they're also the perfect way to sink yourself when real life can't live up to what you've created in your own head.

Uhm, no. There was never anything 'realistic' about building fantasies with a total stranger online 'around' taking a plane for a date. How would you safely do that, anyway? Even if you pulled it off, what would your dating life be like after that? You can't truly 'get to KNOW' someone without meeting, and you can't date that person without meeting regularly. So keep it local, meet right away instead of digital fantasy-building, and grasp that most people are NOT our match. True simpatico is a needle-in-a-haystack pursuit, and that's true for everyone. Set up quick meets to check one another out and learn whether there's even any chemistry.