Steelergal

Hi again everyone- Just needing to vent again and get this off of my chest. Some of you may know my story and what I've been going through. I'm not going to reiterate everything here...just want to write about the latest in the saga. Today is my birthday. It's been a tough day but I tried to keep myself busy and not be completely sad and miserable all day. I haven't heard a word from the STBX all week. I AGAIN resolved to go NC...sent ANOTHER final good-bye e-mail on Wednesday and left ANOTHER final good-bye voice mail yesterday. I told him that my b-day was a good time for me to resolve to move on and get over him since he won't answer me about definitely wanting the divorce. I told him I figured that actions speak louder than words and it's time for me to let go. That was tough....I cried alot after I left that message. I did not expect to hear anything from him today but this evening he sent me a text message...something like this..."Happy Birthday! I know I am a jerk whether I wish you a happy birthday or not. I've been thinking about you alot today! I hope you can have a good b-day. I'm sorry." My heart flip-flopped when I read that! WHY does he keep doing this to me? What does that mean? BUT...I stayed strong and I did not respond...and I will not respond. That is a very big step for me. I do not think it is sincere and I think it is just manipulation again. I wish he hadn't sent that though. It put a damper on my day when I was trying NOT to think about him. One additional update....I did find out this week that both he and the skank were fired from the company they were working for...for very sketchy reasons in my opinion...just a coincidence??? So maybe he is starting to realize how badly he has screwed up his life??? Well thanks for listening friends! I truly appreciate it! PS-I am trying to make it through the whole day without crying...although I started to at dinner when they brought me a piece of cake with a candle and everybody sang to me. I HATE going through this!!!

My recommendation is to find the phone number for the local women's shelter and contact them for advice. They are trained to deal with these types of situations and can talk to your girlfriend (or you) and advise her on the safest way to deal with her situation. She is lucky to have such a caring and concerned boyfriend like you in her corner. I think it is very important that she seek help immediately as there is so much damage being done to her that she is not even aware of...and there is a good chance that it could become physical. Good luck...

This feeling we have and what are ex has done to us is just as bad as walking accross the street to check your mail and the street looks clear, no cars no traffic, beautiful day, life couldnt be anymore perfect and when we think everythings safe and clear and we're walking accross the street...BLAMM!!!!! an 18 wheeler semi truck loaded with tons of metal comes out of no where to smash us like a pancake.... (I know, sorry analogy but thats what it feels like for me..LOL) Houdini...I think this is a great analogy! I can completely relate to it...it describes just how I feel! Also, good point about the NPD! I have been on the MSN group site for NPD and it fits my STBX to a T as well. Kind of scary....

It really is pathetic that I would even entertain the thought of getting back together, isn't it? That probably shows how little self-esteem and self-respect I have. A counselor that I am seeing at the women's shelter said that the years of verbal and emotional abuse have me brain-washed into thinking that I should tolerate this behavior...I'm conditioned to it and want to only see the good I thought was there because that's what he trained me to do. Scary and a little overwhelming to me....

Thank you, thank you, thank you....for the replies, advice, and support! It is soooo helpful to read all of that. I am going to print this thread out and keep it with me for strength. When I go back and read my list over, it does look pretty horrendous. And I didn't even include everything!!! The funny thing is that..as far as finances go...he did not even provide that for me. Throughout our entire relationship, I was the bread-winner--making at least twice what he did. And I provided all of the benefits. Thanks to my income, we were able to have the lifestyle that we did. He was also able to do whatever he pleased and I supported him as far as encouraging him with advancing in his career and going to grad. school. I put my career on hold for him. In fact, I quit my full-time position in August and went part-time so that I could do more at home (since he was working full-time and in school), to transition because we were getting ready to have kids, and because I wanted to eventually make a career change. We were still making alot of money but he felt like it got too "financially stressful." It really wasn't; we just had to cut out alot of the extravagant stuff. Of course, right after I went part-time was when he did all of this crap so I was completely stuck. I couldn't go back full-time at that point. I feel like he made me more dependent on him financially than I had ever been and then dumped me. I carried him for all of those years and when it was his turn to step up to the plate, he bailed on me. My earning potential is actually far greater than his so no...I don't miss that about him! He went through our money like it was water....and then threw a tantrum when I tried to curb spending and get us on a budget! As far as the friend situation, I just know that he is very smooth and manipulative. Luckily, where we were living...people caught on very quickly to the type of person he is and did not fall for his lies or believe the things he was saying about me. However, I am concerned about our friends from college that he is trying to manipulate back. They have never seen this side of him and find it hard to believe. They just remember how fun he was back when we all lived in the same town. So those are the ones that I am worried about. Although he did pretty much lose touch with them once we moved a few years back...but now he is so anxious to "rebuild" after I have worked so hard to maintain those friendships. I think that those friends will feel more torn with what to believe and might fall for his little act. OK...I'm rambling again...mainly I wanted to let you all know how appreciative I am of your support!!!

Based on my experiences with a cheating husband over the last 6 months or so, I agree wholeheartedly with the above posts even though it is probably not what you want to hear. I hate to say this but I now believe that if the person has the potential in them to cheat once...they are going to end up doing it again and again....it's like they either have it in them or they don't...and your wife sounds like she does unfortunately. Also....to Northalius...something in your post really clicked for me... I believe liars doubt themselves, by knowing they do not have a good story to come up with on the spot, so they want to run away. The guilt kills them so much. My husband has refused to talk to me in person or over the phone about anything. He will only e-mail. And he wants to e-mail all of our friends to explain his actions rather than talk to them on the phone. I didn't understand this until you wrote that. If he had to talk on the phone, he would have to think too fast to keep up all of the lies. He can carefully plan and manipulate by using e-mail, huh? That is why he is planning on e-mailing all of our friends to defend his actions..because he can set it all up to look good. He is so sneaky...I hate it! Thanks for the insight!

Well...mine is a long story and if you are interested in a background please look at my original threads but here is what happened in the last few days.... Because I enforced my husband's financial responsibilities per our separation agreement, he sent me very nasty e-mails accusing me of not being able to be trusted, sneaky, manipulative, crazy, etc and said that he hated me and did not want any contact other than business-related from me. So I resolved yesterday that I would go NC because I just can't handle this treatment from him anymore. I am so depressed and crushed that I just can't take anymore of his emotional roller coaster. So yesterday I sent him a good-bye e-mail and left a phone message saying that I am going to respect his wishes and I will be leaving him alone and that I am heart-broken and all I ever wanted to do was love him and be married to him. But he made the choice not to be with me so I will move on, as painful as it is. I thought that I was doing what he wanted. But then today he sent me 3 e-mails. In two of them, he said that he was confused about if I still want to try to work this out after everything that he has done and that I have found out about him and this other girl. I was like * * *??? I didn't even think that option was on the table for him anymore. He has never come out and answered me as to if he is fine with getting divorced and if he doesn't want to be together but I figured that he had made that pretty clear from his actions. Of course, the pathetic part of me that still has a glimmer of hope was like "Could we really work it out and be together again?" It actually made me feel happy for a moment. BUT...here is what he has put me through.... *was extremely verbally abusive and neglectful to me last summer *was having an emotional affair with a girl he supervises at work *lied to me and manipulated me in regards to affair *did not communicate with me about problems in our relationship...confided in HER instead *bad-mouthed me to friends and family behind my back *lied to counselor in couples counseling *told me out of the blue he didn't think he wanted to be married to me anymore and moved out to hotels and ran up our credit card *treated me like crap during that time and would not take my calls or talk to me about anything...basically ignored me while he continued the new relationship....I was a complete wreck and could not even function *would not discuss finances, selling the house, or splitting possessions *began physical affair with her *refused to give her up to work on the marriage *put me in a financial and emotional position where I had to leave my house, my job, the city we lived in (to move in with my parents), and all of my friends *has made every step of this separation hell as far as being financially responsible *will not communicate on the phone to discuss our relationship in any way *I am in counseling and a support group for verbal/emotional abuse as it seems he was abusing me for years which was destroying me and causing anxiety/depression/migraines *all of my family and my/our friends hate him for how he has treated me *his mother was sending me threatening e-mails and phone messages *sends me e-mails blaming everything on me and manipulating me to get things *lied to me about not being with the other woman after Christmas...said maybe we can work things out...but then was caught in the act by PI *has admitted to a full-fledged relationship with this girl (who is also married) and is living with her, sleeping with her, and caring for her baby *has not shown a shred of respect for me in months OK...I think I could add even more but that is long enough...you get the picture. So am I crazy to even consider reconciliation at this point? Why would I even want that after all he has done to me? Why do I miss him and our marriage so much? I know I need a reality check here! HELP! Another thing he brought up in the e-mails that is stressing me out....he wants to contact our friends to try and "rebuild friendships". I have found out that he was slandering me to people before and even though people have stuck by my side and think that what he has done is heinous....I am afraid that he will steal those friends from me again. He is very smooth and manipulative. He hasn't spoken to any of these friends in months (didn't even tell any of them we were splitting; I had to do that) and I frankly don't feel like he deserves those friendships after the way he has treated me and everyone else. Some friends that he e-mailed when all of this started saw right through him and just were disgusted with his lies and manipulation. But I am worried about these other friends...which are more of our mutual couple friends. I have worked hard over the last few months to restore these friendships and now I feel that he is going to swoop back in and take them from me again. And some of these friends...he was lying to them about the affair..but yet they are still willing to be friends with him? I don't get that! So does anyone have any advice on this situation too? I hope I am making sense explaining it. Basically I am very afraid of what he is going to say about me and how he will twist the situation since he has done it before. OK...this is way too long...thanks for listening to my vent!!!

I can relate.... How people describe me (not my description): Tall, skinny, very pretty, smart, trendy, great career with lots of money, very moral, outgoing, lots of friends, from a good family, sweet, caring, kind-hearted, responsible, honest, great wife, good cook, very loyal The girl my husband left me for: Short, very big butt, white trash/skanky look, likes to wear hair stuff that looks straight from the 80's, has cheated on her husband multiple times, got pregnant from one affair and had an abortion behind his back, has a kid, makes no money, hated by co-workers, snobby, cheats, lies, manipulative, irresponsible with her child Soooo....do you think I believe even one of those things people say to describe me? Nope....I am convinced that she is better than me and nobody will ever be able to convince me otherwise. Why else would he leave me for her? Who would give up the person in the first description for the one in the second description? So yep, I know what it's like to feel insecure and compare yourself. I do it every day. My self-esteem is shot. Sorry I have no advice for you...just empathy for how you are feeling. :sad:

Let me share my experience with a cheater with you... *Fall 1995-He and I started dating, fell in love, never felt this way before, etc *Fall 1996-I went away to grad school. After a few months of long-distance, he started acting weird, would not communicate, I found out through mutual friends he was cheating and we break up. He said the girl was just a friend he turned to when things were rough with us and they only kissed. *Winter 1996-I am so heart-broken that I take a leave of absense from grad school and move back to the same city as him. He comes crawling back and says he only wants me and he just got stressed by the pressures of the long distance. He SWEARS it will never happen again and it was a huge mistake...please forgive him...he'll never hurt me again, etc. He completely cut off communication with the girl; actually did it in front of me on the phone to prove himself. I took him back. *Spring 2001-We get married. Soooo...we worked through it and nobody can believe it and we beat the odds...just like your sister and brother-in-law, right? It was just a one-time thing and we grew closer from it and now we should live happily ever after because we survived that huge obstacle, right? RIGHT??? *Fall 2006-Guess what? He did the EXACT same thing to me again, right after our 5 year wedding anniversary. Started acting weird, stopped communicating, thought he was cheating on me but he said she was just a friend he turned to when times got tough with us (of course he never talked to me about it). He was actually having an emotional affair...which led to a physical affair...I left him...and now they are living together (even though we are still married). So the lesson I learned is....ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER! And of course, I have been finding out that he did much more than kiss the girl in 1996 and that he has lied to me about other girls along the way. I could shoot myself for taking him back the first time! EVERYONE told me not to, but I put those love blinders on and thought I knew him better than everyone else and that it would never happen again because he loved me! I completely regret taking him back. In my mind, I have wasted 11 years of my life on someone who did not ever respect me or appreciate me. I think that cheating is an indication of a person's character and that they will do it again and again...especially if they know the person has forgiven them for it in the past. It especially bothers me to hear how she is quick to blame you for her immoral actions and decisions. This sounds just like my husband...it was NEVER his fault! So, I am sorry to sound harsh but please kick her butt to the curb so that you are not writing this same advice to someone years from now!

I am going through pretty much the same thing that alivejp is. Here is what I have been told about the process by my priest (Roman Catholic).... The divorce is the legal part of the ending of the marriage and the annulment is the spiritual part. The divorce means that the marriage is over in the eyes of the courts and the annulment means that the marriage never existed in the eyes of the church and God. That part made me very sad. Once my divorce is legally final, then I am to meet with the priest and start the process of annulment. He said that it is a booklet of questions, etc that you fill out and then submit. It is reviewed by a bunch of different people and then the other ex-spouse has a chance to argue it or approve it. An annulment in the Catholic church takes about a year and a half. Based on my experiences, my priest said that the church will have no problem granting an annulment. He said that my husband's behavior shows that he did not take the marriage vows seriously so there never really was a true marriage. Plus there is his adultery which also is a justification for an annulment. It makes me cry just writing this.... Anyways, my advice would be to go and talk to a Catholic priest as soon as possible to discuss your options.

Teardrops... Thank you for sharing your experiences so vividly. My husband had an affair and left me...and now that I am out of the marriage (not by my choice) I am slowly realizing that I was in an abusive relationship. I am still in the denial stage but so many things that you wrote about I could have written as well. That really started to make things click for me. For example, what you said about not being able to read a book or magazine....I had never related that to the abuse. But I had always been an excellent student and I used to love to read. All of the sudden it was taking me an hour to read one chapter of a book because things just weren't sinking in. I also started to have problems with productivity at my job because I couldn't focus and I was always checking over my work thinking I had done something wrong. I used to excel at that job but things just started to change. I thought I was going crazy or something (which is exactly what my husband told me) but now it is like pieces of a huge puzzle falling together. The abuse was destroying me from the inside out, wasn't it? My family and friends said that I turned into someone they didn't even know anymore. I had no self-esteem or ambition left in me. Then he said he didn't like me anymore because I had become a weak person with emotional problems. I never had problems with anxiety and depression until after we were together. Maybe it was because he made me that way? He essentially made a mess of me and then threw me away when he was done. At least you were smart enough and strong enough to walk away. I never would have....

Did you ask her why there are LONG phone conversations if there isn't anything going on??? That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. If someone were harassing me, I would just hang up and I would definitely tell my husband about it. If it kept happening, I would report it to someone. Why continue the calls if they are only harassment? And why erase all of the numbers in the phone if it were nothing to hide? It just seems fishy to me. But only YOU can decide if you want to take your wife's word on this or not. Just trust what your instincts are telling you....even if you don't like it. Our instincts are usually right. I have learned that the hard way.

Unfortunately, I am going to have to agree with ILP and Dako. "Yes, she is cheating on you. Whether it be physically, emotionally or both... you are currently sharing her with another person." This is based on my recent experiences with a cheating husband...it just sounds too similar to me! And I'm sorry because I know it hurts sooooooo badly. When I confronted him, my husband became "irrationally angry" and indignant. As the saying goes, the best defense is an offense. So watch out for that type of reaction as it really worked on me for quite awhile!!! I think it's OK to look at phone records if you are not getting complete honesty from her...and I don't think you are. You deserve to know the truth and not to have things drawn out any longer. I'm so sorry that she is doing this to you. :sad:

Thank you to everyone who posted.....there are a lot of things that really hit home for me in your words. It's so nice to be able to communicate with people who truly seem to understand. The weird thing is that I still can't seem to accept as fact that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship! Every time that I come close to being able to say it and mean it, I doubt myself all over again. I feel like I am just trying to make myself feel better by making my husband look like he was bad because I am upset about him leaving me for another woman. I then convince myself that the problem in the marriage was me and my being emotional, oversensitive, twisting things around to make myself look good, etc. It's hard to explain... My counselor, my priest, my family, and my friends all keep telling me that I was in this type of relationship and that I need to believe it so that I can heal. But something inside me just won't agree with it. I have so many emotions tearing through me these days that I don't even know how to start untangling them....I think that I am really falling into a bad depression about all of this. Of course, my husband is off with his new skank girlfriend living it up and not even missing me or feeling bad about anything. Eleven years that I dedicated to him and making him happy and this is what I get. It really truly sucks. "You're going to get to a point where the thought of being back with him is going to turn your stomach."---I hope that you are right about this! Everyone else seems to be happy for me that I am rid of him but I am just so sad right now!

It's funny that I finally got the chance to log back on here after a few weeks as I've been out of town and this popped right out at me. I had a very rough day emotionally....I signed the separation agreement in front of a notary today and it completely tore me apart. I came home and wrote a 4 page letter to my husband as a good-bye and have been debating whether or not to send it for closure. I do not even want a response from him; I just want him to know how I feel about the crap he did to me. It is much too long to post here though! I just feel like I want him to know that I have finally realized that I am a great person, I was a wonderful wife, and that I am NOT to blame for him having an affair and breaking our wedding vows in so many ways. He has put the blame on me for months and I was believing his lies and manipulation for all of this time. I want him to know that he was wrong on so many levels for the things that he did and it is ridiculous for him to keep pointing the finger at me. I may have not been perfect but I did NOT cause our marriage to end. He did that all on his own. I guess saying those things to him just seems freeing to me in some way. Hmmmm.....