csa39

I have been reading so much about infidelity (books, internet etc....) and people are so split on this topic. Statistically speaking, if BOTH parties are willing to work on things after an affair there is a 85% recovery rate (I've read as high as 90%). It is not easy at all but why are some people willing to try and others just throw in the towel. In all honesty, I was very happy with my life and 'content' with my marriage. Looking back, of course, vision is always 20/20. I now realize that what I lost is everything I could have ever wanted. The minor flaws that I saw in my wife (bossy, somewhat demanding, big spender) is really not the reason that I had the stupid affair. I honestly think I was high or just plain manic and downright stupid. I felt like I could do anything, accomplish anything ---- I was living my days with so much energy. Then it all hit me at once -- this was horrible, this is so wrong, why are you doing this & I became a complete anxiety driven mess, hooked on Xanax for a quick calm me down and of course my wife got suspicious and that's when the * * * * hit the fan. She has said to friends (and it got back to me) that I was a crappy husband and father ---- I know this isn't true because I used to be told constantly that I was the greatest father and she was so proud of me. She has told me directly that I let her down on other occasions and the affair was the straw that broke the camels back. Some of my friends and family tell me that our marriage would have ended regardless --- I don't believe this for a minute. It ended because I had an affair & to her there are people who cheat and people who don't. That's all there is to it. Those are her exact words. As for the OP, the only thing that's getting to me is that this ruined my life and marriage. I did this to myself -- nobody made me do this. Nobody held a gun to my head. I made the choice and went with it. This is what is keeping me up at nights. She immediately filed for a seperation and said she didn't want a divorce. Then had me served with divorce papers and restraining notice unexpectedly 1 month later. I take full responsibility for my actions but I did not file the papers. I can't get rid of the anger I feel towards her --- I know it's irrational and I'll keep trying but it's not getting any easier. If I could find my own happiness, this feeling would go away but I'm not there yet.

See, this is where I'm getting stuck. My shrink is telling me that I am taking "too" much responsibility for this and it takes 2 to make or break a marriage. If I keep beating myself up over this and not realize that fact that she is not willing to work at it I'm going to end up in a mental hospital somewhere. We're all human and we all make mistakes, I take 100% responsibility for what I've done but how does someone get past this type of guilt and regret. I'm looking to her to make my pain go away where I should be looking at myself --- I know all this -- it's just putting it into action that's the problem.

I've told her and tried to show her countless times over the past few months - via phone, email, gifts etc...... Everything you can imagine. She couldn't be more clear - it's over, the marriage is 100% over is what she's said. Leave me alone, stop emailing, stop calling etc....... So I stopped and the only thing I feel right now is anger and regret.

Yes, she has no problem talking just about the children. She still wants me in their lives but to tell you the truth I honestly think it's just to give her a break -- I don't know, I know she loves those boys with everything she has and wants to do what's best for them. What is best for them is an intact family where Mommy & Daddy are both there for them 24hrs a day. We never fought in front of them -- come to think of it, we never fought at all - their was our first problem, very unhealthly with minimal real communication. She's already had her counseling and sounds as happy as can be now. Another devastation out of all this is that she was incredibly close with my parents and my 2 sisters. When all hell broke loose & she found out about the affair, I told my sisters to try to be supportive of her as she was going through a hard time. Things started getting awkward and then when my sisters found out she was trying to sell my parents home through the courts and banned me from my primary residence, they pretty much told her that they would never step foot in a house that I was banned from. In other words, she was out of their lives because of the way she was acting. I wish I could move on but I guess I'm just not ready yet or at that acceptance stage. The divorce is not final but will most likely be within 2-3 mths. I honestly don't think she's hurt anymore and that she's moved on without a problem. Her only concern right now is financial and she'll try to get every dime she can.

That's all I'm saying also. Just for the kids - it is so hard on them. I realize what I did is a horrible thing (although at the time I didn't think anything of it which is just so stupid). I've read so many books that show that with hard work and counseling over 80% of these marriages not only survive but thrive. That is where my anger comes from --- believe me, I am more angry with myself because I lost everything from my actions. I am trying so hard to put away any animosity towards her but I just can't. It sounds selfish and horrible but I just can't do it. Yes, yes, I know --- if this family was so important to you, why were you such an *****. I don't know, I don't know --- I'm an idiot I guess, I had a manic episode (like 1 shrink told me). I made the mistake of a lifetime & if I don't get over this soon, I'll never be a good father to my little boys. I'm not going to sit here and say that we had the perfect marriage --- maybe on the outside it appeared that way but we lacked intimacy and more importantly communication. I mean real communication about our needs and wants. I am not even saying to repair this marriage for our true love but at least give it a shot for the kids. These kids need both of their parents so bad and being a weekend Dad or whatever it's called is never the same and everybody knows it. At least try for the kids sake. OK, I made the worst mistake ever & caused this breakup. Then why in the world do I feel so much remorse --- she knows how upset I am and she loves it, I can't keep crying in front of her because it gives her too much satisfaction. Also, she didn't run out the door. She kicked me out through a legal loophole (order to show cause) - which she even admitted was bogus. I am living with my parents. She tried to sell my parents home (which my STBX and I own) and she is trying to get every penny she can from a business which my 76yr old father has been running for the past 8 years mostly to benefit my STBX and me (the business is in my name). So yes, I'm pissed at her and as you can imagine even more pissed at myself for causing this mess. But, I've said it before and I'll say it again, the decision to leave and tear apart this family is 100% hers and not mine. I made the mistake which I will be paying for for the rest of my life but she is running up legal bills and breaking up a family without as much as 1 attempt at counseling. GOD help me, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry ---- I truly believe in my heart that GOD has forgiven me. I can't forgive myself and I honestly can't forgive her --- it's a real mess to say the least. BTW - I appreciate all the replies even the brutally honest one's that attack me. Maybe this is what I need - a good kick in the * * * and some persepective on the whole situation.

Well I already have the lawyer since February & of course it's draining me financially. I am the one that needs the counseling but now I can't really afford it. Just seeing her in counseling is going to put me over the edge - I just know it will. I'll turn it into a marriage counseling session. She doesn't really have hostility towards me as a parent and indicated that I can see the kids as often as I like --- but she puts her own restrictions on it (actually her lawyer pulled a quick one on me). I can only visit them if there is another person present in the house (which there most always is anyway). I am also living with my parents now which is absolutely horrible --- having the kids here is a nightmare to say the least. I need heavy meds and intense counseling - I have no doubt. I'm working on restoring my faith in GOD and reading as much as possible on this -- everything happens for a reason, it may be a black cloud to me right now, for months or even years to come but something good will come of this. It has to.

I feel for you - I really do. I am having such a hard time finding posts of people who had affairs and truly regretted it --- most of the time, I just read that the husband/wife had an affair and just moved out. I know I am a great father as well (she's told me that so many times)......I am having such a hard time being a 'real' father without my family. I am in your exact shoes my friend....I want my family back and I don't know what to do and deep down inside I know it will never happen.

Believe me, I've tried that. I've tried to tell her to consider the kids and the affect that this would potentially have on them and she is convinced that they are 100% fine and will be much better off without us living together. Maybe she's right. I, of course, disagree with her. I can't beg anymore, I can't try to make amends, my family absolutely hates her because she's literally trying to destroy them in the process (joint property where my parents live she's trying to force the sale of it). It's by far the most pain and anguish I've ever experienced in my life -- I've lost 50lbs and can barely function anymore knowing that I'm responsible for all of this. I know I have to forgive myself and move on, keep busy and keep positive. I went crazy and ruined my life in the process. I guess people do get past this but I just don't see how --- hopefully someday I will.

Thanks all for their replies. I guess I am just so disgusted with myself that I can either turn my anger inwards (depression) or turn it outwards -- I know I have to heal myself first before I can be a good father to my children -- I'm still working on that. I just can't believe that I could be so stupid. I remember 3 times in my life (in my early 20's) when I've had opportunities to be with girls but I knew they were in a relationship. I ran away quickly because I could never do that. Now I take the greatest thing in my life and destroy it over what? It just doesn't make any sense. Doesn't remorse mean anything? Doesn't our past history together mean anything? I'm sorry - but I still don't understand how someone cannot even make an attempt at reconciliation. I repented, GOD forgave me already, I still cry on a daily basis. I can honestly say that if she were the one that cheated I would NEVER just walk away. If she were willing to cut off ties with the person 100% and beg for forgiveness and go to therapy 3x's week I would at least give it a shot. BTW - the affair ended about 1 month before she found out. I ended it. Not that it makes any difference.

I cheated on my wife for a period of 7 weeks with a friend of hers --- she found out about it once I started having panic attacks and like a complete lunatic over the guilt I was feeling. This happened back in January and I still have not forgiven myself for what I've done. The sickest part of the entire thing is that I never ever thought about the consequences of my actions. It was an addiction and nothing more. We have 2 incredible boys (5 & 2) and I still cannot pull it together. She filed for divorce back in February and is going after everything I have (business, home, etc......). She filed a bogus "order to show cause" to kick me out of the house (even the judge questioned why he signed it). I begged and pleaded for a second chance but she will not hear of it. My only dream in life was to be in a happy committed marriage with kids and a house. I had all of that and now it's all gone. I'm not making excuses for myself -- what I did was horrible, it never should have happened and I'll regret it for the rest of my days no matter how many anti-depressants I'm on. Why am I so furious with her? I have no right to be furious with her -- do I? I've always been there for her, we built a beautiful life together and she won't even consider any form of reconciliation. She's moved on so quickly, she's so happy now. Can't people get second chances? I would do ANYTHING in the world to get her back & live with my kids again. I have no desire to be with anyone else and I don't think I ever will. I would wear a GPS tracking device so she knows where I am at every minute....I would sign document stating that if I even touched another woman she can take 100% off all my assets. I would do ANYTHING. All I can say is "what the hell was I thinking". My shrink seems to think I had a manic episode (although I'm not bi-polar), but how am I ever going to forgive myself for this? I also don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her for not at least giving it one ounce of therapy of attempt to reconcile. They mean the world to me and I made a horrible mistake --- why can't that be worked on ---- or am I being completely naive.