charley

Perhaps you could have a great boyfriend here. Perhaps you could lose a friend. I dunno. However, I do know this much: It's been a year, the guy likes, you like him, he's shy. Are you shy? If anything is ever going to happen, it's up to you to make the moves. That much is obvious. Since he's shy, it's important not to scare him. So do something like the other poster suggested. Ask this fella to do friend type activities with just the two of you. You need time with each other as friends without the other friends. As for the advice to kiss him, I disagree. A shy guy might freak out, especially on your first unofficial non-date. (you aren't calling these things dates, they're friend activities) Just go on a friend activity with him once or twice a week. If he wants to pick the activity half the time, that's great. If he doesn't, then you pick it. I no longer consider myself a shy guy in face to face situations with women anymore because I've really grown out of that over the last month. I'm no longer shy to talk to women at all, but am still shy to ask them out. Much progress for me. However, I still understand very shy guys. He'll get more comfortable with you over time over several of these non-dates. The word "date" always freaked me out. So not calling it a "date" helps a lot. As he gets more comfortable and confident over time, he may tell you he likes you (romantically). If he doesn't, then you can tell him eventually, but not to soon. Save the kissing for later because he's shy. Try to go slow enough that he doesn't even realize what you are doing for the first three or four non-dates. After that you can gradually become more forward, but still don't call them dates. The word "date" to a shy person is likely to trigger a panic attack. Trying to kiss him to soon is also likely to trigger a panic attack. Save the kiss for later. This is exactly how my outgoing girlfriends in the past gradually got me comfortable with them. This approach works with shy people. However, someone has to be the sly, yet casual, outgoing person who gently directs things. If both people are shy, then no progress is ever made, IMO. Think of him like a shy cat that wants to be petted, but is scared. How would you get a cat like that to come to you so you can pet it? With patience, kindness, and persistance. Eventually the cat is rubbing against you and purring. Shy people are like that, IMO. I was like that and still am somewhat like that. My point is that you have to bring him along slowly until he is comfortable with you. Don't go to fast or you will scare him. All that said, there is a risk of losing a friend vs keeping a friend plus gaining a boyfriend. Consider this before you decide. Personally, I have plenty of friends and would be willing to risk one friendship against getting a good girlfriend, but that's me. Your situation might be different. Can you afford to risk losing one friend to possibly gain a boyfriend? If so, then go for it (slowly). Charley

One of the managers at one of my two jobs is 10 years younger than his wife. She is 65 and he is 55. They've been married a long time and are still happy. One of my male cousins is 9 years younger than his wife. They started dating when he was age 20 and she was 29. They married a year later. That was 10 years ago. Now he's 31 and she's 40. They have 3 kids and seem very much in love still. I'm sure they will be married for life. As for the attitude of your friends, they are wrong, but their attitude is classic. Most people are accepting of an age-gap relationship for dating and/or marriage when the man is older. i.e. - they are very liberal and accepting when the man is older. However, when the woman is older, society has more definate ideas. I've noticed people are rather accepting for dating and flings, but tend to assume that longterm marriage is not likely. Actually that assumption is not only unfair, but incorrect. Your age-gap is only 9.5 years (I think you said). No big deal. This is between you and your BF anyway. Not you and your brother, or anyone else. As someone else said, you don't know what will happen in 20 years. None of us do. I think you should follow your heart. Charley

ages 21 to 24. That was my last growth spurt. My hat size also went from small to large during this time. So aparently my skull got bigger too. Hopefully, I added some brains. I've noticed that my cousins have grown in their early 20s too. Say from ages 20 to 24. They typically went from 6" tall to 6'3" or 6'4" or some to 6'5". I was the family runt at 6'. Now I'm really the runt after an accident left me 5'10". I think late body growth and maturity runs in my family. We are late bloomers. I also know of several non-related guys I went to high school with who also grew from 1" to 3" in their 20s. All guys of Northern European ancestry like my family. So perhaps late growth is common in Scandinavians? I kept getting harrier until age 25, except on my head, which started losing hair at age 21. All my blonde hair fell off the top of my head, only the brown hair remains on sides and back. What runs in your family? How does your body size comare to your brothers, cousins, dad, etc? Ask them when they last grew taller and/or huskier (fatter doesn't count). This will give you an idea of your potential for later growth and other things.

Depends on the guy and his tastes. For many of us there is more to it than just looks.

It does not appear controversial at all when I last looked at the results. They are unanimously in favor. Why shouldn't women be able to propose? As a matter of fact, they can. What's stopping them? Each of the women I've ever dated asked me out, with one exception. So I see no reason why they can't ask other things. The ring buying question is interesting. I have no idea. However, I do know that traditionally if one friend asks the other to lunch, the asker often pays, or they go dutch. So perhaps the same applies here?

See a local rape councilor and take a women's self defense course. One of the things they teach is assertiveness, in addition to self defense. You need more assertiveness. I specifically recommend a women's self defense course because they will cover things that specifically affect women. After you complete the women's self defense course, joining any martial arts school might also be a good idea. My sister has been grabbed in Safeway parking lot on two occasions over the last 2 years. She was attacked by a perv in Japan when she was an exchange student there. She fought them all off. She never had an official self defense course, but had 18 years of experience fighting with her older brother (me). So she is quite assertive. I also taught her some self defense things and I used to make her practice when she was in Jr. High and High School. Even now I just recently bought her two bottles of pepper spray and insisted she use one for practice, the other for carry. She accidentally sprayed me with the practice one. COL and LOL. Wait a minute - that better have been an accident. I'm guessing you don't have any older brothers. If you did, you'd probably already be assertive. Your frightened behavior was not your fault. You were just scared. A women's self defense course would be really good for you. NotToGreen and I have agreed on some things before, but this is the first time we've ever been in near unamimous agreement. I'm not so sure about the biting stuff. I think a very assertive "NO! Get out NOW!" might have been enough. A women's self defense course will teach you those things. If the women's self defense course teaches biting, then bite. You should hear my sister yell, not to mention the mean elbows, knees, and kicks she throws. She always knows where to hit a guy too. A women's self defense course will teach you all these things and more. Probably teach the use of pepper spray too. Some very assertive yelling is usually enough to convince the attacker you're not an easy target. Often that's all that's needed to make them leave. A women's self defense course will teach you.

I'm just going to give you some very simple advice that is the best advice that anyone online can give, IMO. See a local rape councilor and discuss the situation with her. That is the best thing, IMO. Then that local councilor can suggest what other steps you should take. The local councilor will know your situation better, know exactly what questions to ask you, will know the local culture in your area, will know your local and state laws. thereforeeee, see your local rape councilor. You can likely look them up in the white or yellow pages. A high school or college guidance councilor could also direct you to a rape councilor. You don't have to be in school to see a school councilor. Good luck, Charley

You might be great together. Try it and see. It could be a fantastic short-term relationship. Might be a great long-term relationship. Try it and find out. Who cares about office gossip? My sister was a 25 or 26 year old college English teacher. She married one of her older students who was 27. They met during the very first quarter she taught. They have now been married for a few years and have a kid. They are very happy. Point being, have some guts. If worse comes to worse, can't you or he get another job? FYI - my sister could still teach at the same college, if she wanted to. However, she got a better job elsewhere. She's still on good terms with the college. Just be friends at work for a while. You can see each other outside of work and no one needs to know. Then if you like that, then you can come out later. I once had a really nice older girlfriend. I was 23 and she was 36. My only complaint is that she kept our relationship permanently in the closet. I wanted to come out, she didn't. Otherwise, it was the perfect relationship. You should go for it. You can use discretion by dating outside work and just being friends at work. That can be fun for up to a year. After that, if you still want to be together, you'll have to be open about being a couple in public. i.e. - you'll eventually have to come out, but not right away. Let their envious tongues wag at work or wherever. The women will only wish they were you. The men will wish they were him. Have some courage. Be true to yourself. Go for it.

he's not mature, that might be fun and exciting for you, so long as he's nice. Possibly he may be very mature. Either way has the potential to be very good for you. As for his sowing wild oats: He may not be like that. If he is like that, then he'd probably happily sow them with you. ;-) Either way has the potential to be very good. I think you'd be good for him in any case. The real question is, "Would he be good for you?". I think he might be. That's up to you.

I said I "notice". I didn't say I "stare". There is a huge difference. Also, take into account that you are from CA where you probably see more skin per week than I see all year. WA has nasty weather 10 months of the year. The other 2 it's nasty a fair portion of the time. Sunny weather is an event. As a result, the women are dressed from head to toe most of the year. A pair in front of me is an occasion. How could I not notice? I said I notice. I did not say I stare. I'm not blind. ;-)

Well, I have noticed there is a lot of truth for that with the average man and woman. However, not everyone is average. Many people are exceptional. Personally, I fall in love as much with my eyes and ears equally. Someone else said that women also have certain looks they like in men. That is true, but they are usually much more liberal, easy, and reasonable in their wants. I've observed that many women are often interested in a man's looks with regard to how he presents himself. i.e. - clean vs. dirty, GQ vs. nerdy vs. tough guy, etc. Many of these preferences that women have for looks are really outward indications of personality. So even when women look at a man's looks, they are really looking for his personality by visual indicators. So even here she is looking for personality within the looks. So the looks are simply a clue to personality. The man's looks are usually not her end goal. However, for some women the guy's looks are the end goal. It depends on the woman. In some ways, men and women are the same. Men also look at how a woman is dressed and presenting herself to get a visual indicator of her likely personality. We all have this in common, IMO. However, men also look rather closely at women's body parts. For me it's face most of all, and legs when I can see them. I don't worry about her bottom because it's automatically good if her legs are good, IMO. I'm boobs optional. So I don't care much about boobs, but if they're in front of me I can't help noticing. This whole mindset is not the same as when most women look at men. It just isn't the same thing. So in some ways we are different. However, let me state that I'm seeing those things as part of the woman and I see her as a person. Some men just see body parts, which is disturbing if you think about that. For the record, looks count for me equally with the other things, brains, personality, etc. To me these are about equal in priority. If I must prioritize, I'd put looks last, but I don't want to prioritize. Oh yes, let me add that some men do like smart women. In some ways men and women are similar. In some ways we are different. It's nature. That's how we are made. However, some men, and even some women, get carried away with body parts. Am I right? I read in some other thread where women were discussing whether or not to dump a boyfriend for having a small willie. So who's getting carried away there? That body part obsession mentality affects many men and some women. To any woman: Correct me if I'm wrong, but is your objection mainly about men who just see body parts? Is there more to your objection than that? I'm not sure I fully understand. Please enlighten me. Charley

When I was 23, I was asked out by a 36 year old lady. She was the best girlfriend I've ever had. Good memories! I can honestly say she permanently changed my outlook on life for the better. Get to know him a bit first as the other posters suggest. I was close friends and weight lifting partners with the 36 year old lady for 6 months before she asked me out. Then, if you still like each other, then go for it and don't feel guilty. You will likely be the best he's ever had. Possibly the best he ever will have. From the younger guy's point of view, there is something special about an older girlfriend. He might be the best you'll ever have. I'm not talking about sex specifically. I mean all around best. You will likely find it a more egalitarian relationship, not to mention extra exciting. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your age difference is tiny. It's not even an age-gap, except in your mind. Get over that and go for it. This assuming you still want him after being friends for a while first. Your age difference is so slight that this is really a similar-age relationship. I don't think anyone would notice or care. If they did, they'd likely just be envious of both of you. ;-) Age is not the real issue. It never is. The real issues are compatibility, attractions, and personalities. No reason for guilt. Try to enjoy yourself. Charley ======================================================== P.S. - Quoting you: "...he'll miss out on the whole dating thing in his mid-twenties." Not so. I think you are the best part of dating for him in his 20s. Don't make him miss out on you.

I don't know if you're a geek or not. I don't think it matters really. Why worry about it? Some women think I'm a geek. Some think I'm cool. I don't care either way. Some women like me. Some don't. That's normal. I don't worry about it. Make a reasonable effort, but beyond that don't worry about it. Also, some women like geeks, but you'll most likely find those ladies at a bookstore or library, or similar place. If you really are a geek, you need to be in those types of places to meet an appropriate woman. As long as you are clean and reasonably well dressed, that's what matters most. Anything else is details. There's someone out there who will like your details. Being good at conversation helps a lot, but sometimes isn't necessary. Same with confidence.

Don't be afraid to take advice from younger people. They sometimes know a lot. Experience does not come from age, it comes from having experiences. Most of the people younger than you have more dating experience than you do. thereforeeee, they are qualified to give you advice and help you. Don't limit who you listen to by age. Also, don't limit who you date by age. Women who are most likely to like you are likely going to be younger than you, IMO. i.e. - 5 to 15 years younger. However, one your age might like you to. Just don't think about the age-gap. It doesn't matter. If she likes you and if she doesn't care about an age difference, then neither should you. Don't restrict women by age. That limits who you can be with. That said. You've got to start with the basics. In my opinion, learning to talk to them is the first step. Practice makes perfect. You won't succeed everytime. You just have to keep trying. Even practice talking to other men is good because it still gives conversational skills. I have a lot of relationship experience, but only some dating experience. i.e. - I don't go through large quantities of women, but rather I try to do well with one. Also, I'm somewhat shy in face to face situations with a woman I want. As a result, I haven't dated all that much. So I do understand your problem(s) to some extent. Another good starting point is to make both men and women friends in your area, if you don't already have them. You can get conversation practice with them and advice to. Not to mention another benefit. My platonic lady friends are often wanting to fix me up with some nice girl or another. That said, I'm not sure what else to tell you, except that men and women friends can help a lot. You have to get out there and try to meet people. One possible place to start is joining a church because then you can meet lots of people who are likely to be friendly. If you already belong to a church, then change churches so you can meet a new group of people. I'd recommend the biggest church you can find because then there is enough population there to have many available women of various ages. Warning - Some people in churches, especially some women, can be the worst gossips anywhere. I think this is because they lead boring lives and have nothing better to do, combined with a weak character. So while there are many nice people in churches, some are not nice. This is also true at work, in a bar, or anywhere in life. It's still worth making the effort though. Don't let bad people keep you from the good people. The bigger the church, the less the gossip, IMO. This because they've got more interesting things going on. I don't want to discourage you. I'm just saying get out there and try, but use some caution too.

No one. I only meant that we can't. thereforeeee, why worry about it.

Male hair loss is triggered by a combination of two things. The gene for hair loss is triggered by high levels of testosterone. So hair loss is one outer visual indicator of high testosterone. Others are deep voice, muscles, prominent chin, body hair, etc. I learned about this in a biology class years ago. Some men with high testosterone display all the outer visual signals, but most men only display one or a few. One effect of high testosterone is a high sex drive. However, that is not something you can see at a glance. By contrast, greying hair in men is caused by lower levels of testosterone. My womanizing friend Bill, just started going grey. LOL. I'm betting that's going to soon start affecting his activities. LOL. =========================================================================== So maybe your boyfriend has some manly qualities you like? I'm guessing so. There are women who prefer bald or balding men. I have a one platonic lady friend who thinks they look good. I know another who thinks they're better in bed. So your boyfriend's "flaw" may look good to some women, even at first glance. Also, as the RedQueen said, personality is most important. You obviously like his personality.

I'm going to quote myself below. That may appear to be the height of arrogance, but it's not. I'm going to refine and adjust my earlier statement. Actually, I meant who cares what women in general want with regard to things a man can't likely change (like his voice). However, there are other things a man can adjust, if he choses to. Clothes, attitude, approach, what he says or does, etc. So I think those things are very worthwhile to research. However, even then, that is just a general education because each woman is different. I'm willing to adjust myself to an individual woman to a point. However, none of us should have to totally change who we are to satisfy someone else. If that's what is needed, then a different person is what's really needed. This is why my interest in women's common preferences is limited to things I can easily adjust and might be willing to adjust. We can't really change our voices, can we? I don't think so. You can change the things you say. That counts more anyway.

How do we know what the woman in question meant? Maybe she doesn't understand the proper meaning of "clingy". Perhaps he should talk to her about it and ask her some questions.

You requested to hear from women only. So I hope you don't mind getting an opinion from a guy. Mike Tyson always sounded very high pitch like Chris Rock. He ain't no wimp. Just a thought. This is a bit old for you, but Johnny Cash used to make some women weak in the knees with just his voice. That whether singing or just talking. I remember some women making comments about him. Others couldn't have cared. For any question, I'm thinking the answer is "it depends on the woman". That said, I've recently realized it is pointless and impossible to try to understand women in general. The good thing is to understand the one you're with (to the extent possible). So who cares what women in general want? All that matters is what the one lady you're with wants. Besides, you can't change your voice anyway (can you?).

I didn't mean clingy in the same way that you do. I'm sure your definition is the correct one. I've never looked it up. I meant something else entirely. You are right. I was wrong. My mistake. Charley

As always, the RedQueen is wise and correct. However, in this case, we don't really know how she meant it, nor do we know how he feels about it. That's something they need to work out between themselves. In a sense, this is something each couple has to work out as part of building a relationship so they can both learn what the other wants and is comfortable with. Would you agree?

I don't think that's a bad thing in small doses. That's why I said I like mildly clingly, but I don't require it. Women who've liked me would say I'm devoted. Women who've not liked me would say I'm a bit clingy. It's all in the recipient's point of view, IMO. However, I admit that clingy has a negative connotation. A more positive connotation would be "devoted". It's all in your point of view, IMO. Also a matter of what you like. Perhaps we're talking about two different things? Perhaps she meant she's devoted in a relationship. Maybe she meant that and wasn't aware of the connotation? I don't know. Just asking. ======================================================================================= How long have you known her? What has your relationship been with her? Do you feel comfortable with her? Do you like her? Are you attracted to her personality? Are you attracted to her looks? These are things I think you should ask yourself. Don't post the answers, unless you want to. Just mull these things over a bit. Also, did she mean clingy or devoted? What did she mean? These are all rhetorical questions. I don't expect you to answer them online. I only suggest you consider all these things together while thinking on the words clingy vs. devoted. Don't get to concerned with dictionary definitions because that might not be how she meant it. Perhaps you should ask her how she meant it? Perhaps ask for an example of what she thinks is clingy behavior. It doesn't matter what the dictionary or 3rd parties say. What matters is how she meant it and how you feel about it.

Yes. The current photo is nice. I just like the smiley one best.