charley

The problem with anyone giving advice is that it's impossible to know for sure what will happen as the result of any course of action you take. However, if you get to the point where it's intolerable enough that you feel you don't want to work there under those conditions, well then you have nothing to lose. When I get to that point, then I start fighting back. Sometimes if someone says something insulting or attacking to you, if can be an effective method to return that with a challenging question that makes them think about their behavior. This can work for mild jerks who basically decent people, if they stop to think about their behavior. It doesn't work for hard-core jerks. ============== For a mild jerks example, "Why did you say that?" What did you mean by that?" "Why did you do that?" ============== For hard core jerks, the gloves come off and I'll get hard-core in self defense. For example, I would have called the boss from the back room out of earshot and told the boss about her talking to her X-BF instead of working. Then, if the boss cared, she could have come there right then and caught her in the act. For another example, when she left 30 minutes early, I would have called the boss immediately so that if the boss cared, she could have come down there herself and verified that your coworker left early. ============== I would not make any accusation that cannot be proven. In the above examples, the proof is there, if the boss cares to show up onsite and see for herself. I would not report those things now, after the fact, because this other girl can now deny it and you have no proof. Jerks are always liars. So don't make any accusations, unless you can prove them. The above examples make the proof easy, if the boss cares to see for herself. If the boss doesn't care, then I guess it doesn't matter what you do. Now obviously doing anything has some risks to you. Doing nothing has risks too. If the current situation is so foul that you feel ready to act, then do so in ways that can be proven. Then, once the proof is seen, any additional accusations of prior situations will likely be believed because you now have credibility. I'm a nice guy and I want to be a nice guy, but sometimes that's not possible because bullies eat nice people alive. Then it's time to stop being nice and get tough. There used to be couple people at one of two places where I work who bullied me frequently. Guess what? Neither of them works there anymore. I still do. I don't want to fight, but if I must fight, then I intend to win. That requires proof, which requires timing. If you decide to act, then bide your time and wait for the next opportunity, then act at the appropriate time when proof is available, obvious, and undeniable. That sounds mean, but it's really just smart self defense. If you must fight, then be smart and have evidence. The time she left 30 min early was your best opportunity so far. Another opportunity with evidence will come along for sure because bullies only get bolder and more aggressive until you successfully stand up to them. So wait until the next opportunity with evidence. That's if you decide to act at all, which is up to you. However, I suggest you decide in advance if you want to act or not. That way, if you do decide to act, you can act swiftly when the time comes because your resolve is already determined ahead of time.

There's nothing wrong with being the cute puppy of the office as long as your work is respected. I like cute puppies. I also like being the cute puppy when possible. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm only going to say this: An 18 year old is old enough to join the military and die for their country, vote, etc. Shouldn't they then also be old enough to decide who they want to date and other personal decisions? I guess that's my USA perspective. I don't know about the UK, but people are people everywhere. We are more similar than different.

I guess I'm currently in the middle of the age range at work. I enjoy interacting with people of all ages and I learn from all of them and vice versa. I find the difference in their perspectives quite entertaining and educational. We give, receive, and exchange advice, opinions, and jokes very freely. Actually, being middle aged is awesome in that regard. When I was a teen and in my early twenties, I definitely preferred the company of people older than myself, especially at work. I was (at that time) rather mature for my age since I'd grown up fast and early, partly due to starting working 30 hours a week starting when I was 15 and a sophmore in high school. I think that mentally I was age 30 when I was 15 or 16. At my current age of 38, I'm a bit immature for my age since I still think and feel about 30. I mentally grew up to about age 30 and decided that I was grown up enough since my bills are paid and my credit excellent again (after recovering from earlier injuries and repairing credit). Plus I had some other things that kept me a bit socially younger. I see no reason to grow up further since that would be growing old. Currently I like the company of adults of all ages at work and elsewhere. I think once you are grown up enough to be responsible, there's no benefit and some downsides of getting any mentally older beyond the point of being responsible and reliable.

As pointed out by a previous poster, there are beautiful women of all hair colors and no guy is likely to turn down a beautiful woman who is interested in him, regardless of her hair color. That is true. However, who is he more likely to approach? I've felt for a long time that beautiful brunettes are much easier to approach and start a conversation with than a blonde of equal looks. By contrast, a beautiful blonde probably (almost certainly) gets so much attention from aggressive guys that she could not care less if I approached her. In fact, she might rather not be bothered. Actually, that is not always the case because over the years I have met a few beautiful blondes who liked me and showed interest. My first GF was a natural dark and gold blonde. We had the same hair and eye color. However, in general, I think my feeling is correct based on years of observation. A local platonic lady friend of mine told me about some study that was done in our area about whether attractive brunettes or blondes were more open and friendly to being approached by a man. She said the study found brunettes are generally more friendly and appreciate some attention, while blondes by contrast are getting to much attention and don't need or want more. That agrees with my personal experiences. So I (and probably other shy types) am much more likely to approach an attractive brunette, than an equally attractive blonde. There are exceptions when a blonde is outgoing and friendly to me and then I will engage in conversation, but that's when she initiates it. If it's up to me to initiate, then I'm going for the brunette. However, I do think blondes attract a lot of aggressive men who like a challenge and the competition of many other guys swarming after her. For less aggressive guys (like me) the brunettes offer the attraction of likely being friendlier and not having to compete with a swarm of aggressive guys. Of course, if the woman approaches me, then all bets are off and hair color does not matter. That said, I really do find brown and/or black hair with or without red or blonde highlights extra attactive. Yet an attractive blonde also looks good to me, even though I probably won't approach her. I think that a change in a woman's hair color not only has a likely effect on how many guys approach her, but also which types of guys approach her.

Actually, I read the first page of posts before I made mine. I don't have time to read all the pages of posts. You asked for opinions. I gave you my opinion. Your age is relevant because if you were 17 or 18, I wouldn't be suggesting you help your mom pay the bills when you live with her. However, at age 24, you should be helping your mom when you live with her. Likewise help your GF, if you live with her. And provide that help cheerfully and without complaint because it's the fair thing to do. I was helping my parents with their bills starting when I was 15 and onwards until I moved out of their home at age 22. I was buying most of my own clothes and shoes starting when I was 14. I worked part time beginning at age 14. I worked 30 hours a week starting when I was 15 and still in school and I graduated a year early. I had more discretionary money than my parents at that time. I'm not suggesting that you do anything at age 24 that I wasn't already doing starting at age 15. i.e. - pay your share and not complain about it. I don't intend any offense to you. That's just how I see it based on the first page of posts as I read them earlier.

I only read the first page of posts. So I'm basing the below on that. It is legally and morally her place because it's her name and credit on the line. She signed for everything. It's her credit that goes crappo if the rent or bills don't get paid. Credit damage can plague a person for 7 years. It's her credit on the line, not yours. Also, you lived there for how many months without even paying anything? She's not only putting in half the money, but she is fully responsible with regard to legality and credit. Yes, the place is her place, unless you can pass a credit check and get on the rental agreement and consistently pay half of everything. Even though it is her place with her name on the rental agreement, you should still be paying half, if you live there. This is your solution: either pass the background and credit check with the landlord and get yourself on the rental contract officially with your GF and pay half of everything; or move out and get your own place. Splitting the difference is not working for you or your GF. If you go back and live with your mom, then be a man and help your mom pay the bills. Don't mooch off your mom as a way to avoid life's expenses because your mom has expenses too. Welcome to life as an adult. I don't intend any offense with the above. I'm just telling it like it is (based on the first page of posts). Be fair to your GF and your mom.

That's a great one.

My only thought on setups is that they make me very extra nervous and freaked out shy. Why? Because it's not natural to meet someone with all that pressure and expectations and fears. It's more natural to meet someone casually without initial thoughts of dating beyond whether you like their looks. At least that's my opinion.

How can there be such a thing as love at first site? Lust at first site for sure. But love requires an attachment and appreciation for the person's personality. That takes time together. Anyhow, that's my opinion and I'm stickin to it.

Bingo! Well said.

Here's another thought. There are also some guys your age who just look young, same as you look young. I'm 38 and I often am asked for ID when I try to buy a beer. In my state, they have to ask anyone who looks possibly under 30. I know another guy age 38 who looks 24 or 25. I went to high school with him. They always ask for his ID. Do you really want a younger guy, or just a younger looking guy? Does it really matter? Either way is fine. I'm just raising some issues to provoke thought.

Well, if they ask your age, then tell the truth, but be casual about it because it's no big deal. If it's no big deal to you, then it probably won't be a big deal to them. If they don't ask your age, then don't mention it. Since you look young and are fit, I think it's entirely possible for you to date younger men. It would also be possible to date guys your age or older since they'd likely find your young, fit look very sexy. However, you've indicated your preference. I understand. Even if you didn't look young, you could likley date younger guys. However, your young look gives you a substantial advantage in that area because you would not visually look like an age-gap couple. i.e. - no social pressures when you are out together. Maybe from his family, or maybe not, but that issue comes later. When I dated an older woman (when I was 23) my dad said something like "Way to go! Now don't tell your mom." If you spend some time with the guy and get to know him, he'll relax with you. Frankly, if I were a young guy, I'd think you were an awesome catch since you have looks and more emotional maturity. Actually, you're an awesome catch for a guy of any age. If I may make an observation, the younger guys I've known who dated older women fell into two opposite categories of guys. The good boys who are kind and affectionate, typically not very experienced with women, and an older woman is perfect for them and you can teach them new things. Also, the bad boys will date older women because they're up for anything. The guys in between those two extremes are less likely to date an older women (I think), but then again, who knows for sure? Anything is possible. The good boys and the bad boys are your most likely candidates, but guys in between might be a possiblity too. Anything is possible if you believe it's possible and go after it.

Some men would date an older woman. Some might even prefer one. Some might not. It depends on the guy. I suggest you get to know him first, if possible, and don't mention your age until he asks, if he asks. i.e. - don't bring the subject up and turn it into an issue. I have dated an older woman in the past and have very fond memories of her. I have a friend my age who is right now dating a woman 5 years older than him. I have a cousin who is married for 10 years now to a woman 10 years older than him. One of my coworkers is married for 20 years now to a woman 10 years older than him. Clearly it can and does happen. The fact that you look young for your age makes it all the more likely. Some guys would not date an older woman. Some would not care about age. Some would find it exciting and maybe even prefer it. It is entirely possible and feasible, if you believe it. i.e. - have the confidence and self assurance to know what you want and go get it.

Hey buddy, I honestly don't think you have a mean bone in your body whether drunk or sober. However, I was not advocating getting drunk (multiple beers). I was suggesting slowly sipping one over an hour or longer. That would relax you and maybe buzz you a little. I'm a lightweight drinker myself - only one drink per week. That's so little that I have no tolerance. thereforeeee, one is plenty for me. However, if you don't want to drink, that's fine. It was just an idea and I wasn't suggesting doing it to excess. If you are anything like me, you'd just get more friendly and relaxed while slightly buzzed. However, we'll abandon that course of action since you don't want to. Another way to learn to be more relaxed is to just keep going out once each week with your friends. Go ahead and be the designated driver since you don't drink. That way you are doing something nice for your friends. After enough times going out, you will start relaxing naturally. I think you sound a lot like me before I was 23. Good student, quiet, good guy, always consciencious, well behaved, the designated driver, and the model of good behavior. Yep. All those were me. Then at age 23 and 24 I discovered alcohol and girls (well only 2 GFs) and had a very wild 2 years. This was like "college boys gone bad" and my guy friends were not exactly a good influence. Good boy Charley was missing for 2 years, until a massive hangover on Thankgiving day that lasted over 24 hours. "No mom, I can't eat because I have the flu (blahhhhhrph!). After that, not another drink for 13 years and bad boy Charley was gone. About a year ago I started having a drink once a week while going out with friends. As long as I stick to one drink per week and no more, I'm fine. Buzzed and relaxed, but fine. My earlier college days level of tolerance faded years ago. I'm now a super lightweight drinker with little tolerance due to only having one a week. I've learned to moderate and it is possible to be a good guy and still have some fun. If a little bit of bad boy shows, that OK in moderation. Last time I went to a club, I drank nothing, except water and apple cider becaue I was the designated driver. My friend was due. She'd been the designated driver so many prior times that I should feel guilty about it. At first I was nervous because I'm not used to being in a club fully sober. However, I soon relaxed. Well, after 30 minutes, I relaxed. Some people who only know me from the club asked me if I was OK. I said ya, I'm fine, why? They said, I looked po'd. I said no, this is just me sober, then a smile and a wink. Actually, when I'm sober I find drinkers a bit annoying. It ain't easy being the designated driver, but it's a lot better than not going out. Keep going out with your friends. Be their designated driver. Then over time you'll learn to relax. Personally, if I'm not going to drink, then I prefer someplace tamer and quieter. Try some various types of places. Practice makes perfect - relaxed.

Ahhh. Interesting you mentioned that one. Even as a very shy guy in the past, I did show interest in how things were going for her and her activities, even though I hid my direct interest in her. This would be a good one to look for to distinguish between shy vs. indifferent. Also, if he appears to have given up on you, it might be that he just gave up on himself ever asking you out. Like he's still interested, but doesn't know how to proceed. I've given up like that before, even though I was still interested. I'm past that now, but at one time... At some point, you can have a heart to heart talk with the guy. Sometimes that's best.

To me personally, the word "indifferent" means "not interested".

Shy people who are interested are nervous. Look for signs of that. Also, they give signals like approaching, then backing off. Think of a shy cat that wants to be petted, but it's afraid. It starts to approach you, but then it get's scared and backs away. You'd recognize that behavior in a cat, wouldn't you? I know that people are not animals, but we share many common behavioral traits. How do you get a shy cat to allow you to pet it? Gentle persistance and coaxing over time. Keep trying, but don't be to aggressive. In your other thread, it sounded to me like you were doing many things right. If you do eventually succeed, then it's likely that you will have a man who is affectionate with you and only you. Like a cat that likes to be petted by only one person and won't allow any others to touch it. I think a guy like that is romantic and loyal, if you can get that far. Indifferent people are very confident because they don't care because they have no interest and nothing at stake. Again, think of cats. An indifferent cat who does not want to be petted consistently avoids you or ignores you and never approaches. That is indifference. Some people will say that I'm over simplifying by comparing shy people to cats, but I think I'm correct. Most people over complicate these issues, IMO. It's really a simple thing. Shy people have tempermants similar to a cat. Some people like cats, some don't. Some people like shy people, some don't. If you go a few months and don't feel satisfied with your progress, then it's time to talk to him about your mutual feelings. Tell him how you feel, but try to be low key and relaxed so you don't scare him. Give him a couple minutes to digest that. Then ask him how he feels about you. If he likes you, then ask him out to lunch or some casual thing. This is what my first and third GFs did with me. For those who don't have the patience for shy people, that's fine. You're entitled to your preferences.

Funny is good. I think sincere is also nice and I like to change it up between the two so things stay fresh and interesting. Besides, I want her to know that even though I joke around, I do seriously like her. I've observed that some of the ladies in this thread are talented sweet talkers and/or comedians. I've had fun in this thread and some good laughs reading the ladies posts. Thank you ladies. In the past, I've had a couple creative GFs who enjoyed this sort of thing and were talented at it. I enjoyed receiving it as much as giving. One of them was better at it than I am. I enjoyed being outdone.

I remembered something a guy friend once pointed out to me when we were both about age 23-24. He was ugly, but had a steady stream of beautiful GFs. I was very good looking at that time, but had only about 1% as much success as he did. FYI - 1% of his large number is not so bad. He gave me some advice. He said that rock stars are typically the ugliest dudes on the planet, yet they typically have amazingly hot babes. (His words.) I'd like to add that older rock stars usually look like they've been put through a food dehydrator. Yet... That's right, beautiful women their age and younger still want them. He then went on to say that looks are a different thing for men than for women. What a man says and does and his attitude count FAR MORE than looks. The rock stars being one example of that. That does not mean you have to have a bad guy look and attitude. That wasn't his point. Hey, Donald Trump is a babe magnet in a clean cut way and I don't think anyone would call him handsome. Before anyone yells money, no it ain't so. It's his attitude they dig far more than the money. My looks have dropped over the years from very good looking to slightly good looking due to time and injuries. Never the less, I have more potential right now than ever before because I'm finally coming out of my shell. Confidence in a man counts ten times more than looks, but the confidence has to have some real substance behind it. Women might care about looks somewhat when looking at a photo because they have nothing else to go on, but if you were standing right there in front of them talking to them, then it's 90% or more on your personality. I think women use a man's look as a clue to his personality, rather than an end in itself. That's why I think it's helpful if your look suits your personality. Other than that, I don't think a man's looks matter so much. However, we all want to look as good as we can to gain any extra boost possible.

One of my favorites for joking around with a GF is "babalicious". I think I forgot to mention that one earlier. It also goes well in a sentence with other pet names starting with B. =============== Now for a totally sincere compliment (I might say to a new GF or potential GF): You're so beautiful, you scare me. What I mean is, I like you, but I'm shy (at first). That is a true statement when I'm attracted to a woman, but still feeling shy, yet beginning to loosen up just enough to say it. Later on she is going to be surprised, maybe even shocked, when I turn into a cross between Dr. Suess and Spike Lee. Surprises are fun.

What's a 5/10?

Well, as with anything, I'm sure it all depends on the woman's preferences how much looks matter. Also, each woman has her own tastes about preferences for looks. i.e. - her own idea of what looks good. I can tell you this, I was a "pretty boy" when I was 23 and 24. That attracted many women, but then my lack of ability to talk to them wasted nearly every opportunity. FYI - the term "boy" does not have a negative meaning in the Northwest like it does in the South. Around here it just means young. So I have no problem referring to my former self as a boy. I'm still reasonably good looking today, especially for my age, but I know I don't look half as good as I used to. Guess what? More women like me now than before. I think that is because I'm more relaxed than I used to be and improved and still improving at talking to them. I also have heard from some women that they don't want a guy who's better looking than she is. So maybe slightly good looking man is better than very good looking. Maybe. All depends on the woman. As a man, what you say and do counts far for than what you look like. You appear good enough looking to approach any woman. So it's now all about your behavior. If you made eye contact with the camera and smiled, I think you'd gain points in all areas - looks, confidence, friendliness, etc. There are other behavior issues to. For example, I'm not a player and don't want to be.

I think it's like Baskin and Robbins Icecream. They have 31 flavors because different people have different tastes. Various women have various tastes. Years ago, I had a long blonde mullet that touched my shoulders. That was in style then. I recall some women liked that. Most did not. A hair style should match your personality and overall look and persona, IMO. The long mullet conflicted with my otherwise angelic and GQ looks. I was sending mixed and confusing signals with my angelic face and long hair. It was really funny when I would wear my motorcycle jacket and my hair, jacket, and bike all went together, but there was my angelic face in the middle of it. Being funny is good. Looking funny is not. I cannot pull off the bad boy look and trying to made me look stupid. For other guys it works and suits them. Longer hair works for some guys because it compliments and cooincides with their overall look and attitude and this works for those women who like that look. Later I had a blonde, clean cut, slightly short businessman looking haircut and still a full head of hair. I recall that being rather appreciated. It looked clean cut, businesslike, and suited my personality and overall look. No more mixed signals in my looks. I remember some women telling me they like it. I was then projecting an angelic, good boy appearance, which is naturally suited to my looks and attitude. Later (and currently) I have the same clean cut, slightly short businessman looking haircut, but now with thin coverage on top, good coverage on sides and back. Also seems to be appreciated because it suits my face, clothes, and attitude. I've had some women tell me they like partly balding guys or bald guys and that I look good. I miss my hair, but I'm not going to worry about it because someone will think I look good no matter what because women have various tastes. Besides, I'm tall enough that no women can see the top of my head anyway, until I sit down. Just because long hair works for your friend does not mean it will work for you, but it might. Try it and find out. Your results will vary. Some women like one thing, others like another.